2019 in 12 Photos

I feel like I say this every year, but I think my largest accomplishment of 2019 was being even less on top of things than I was last year.

True as it may be, I still can't deny there were plenty of amazing moments along the way. And the ones that were complete fails? Well, they at least make entertaining stories later on.

In 12 photos, here  they are: the Unremarkable Files memorable moments of 2019.

In January, the kids enjoyed our annual gingerbread house smash. We went sledding in -1 degree weather and finally figured out why we can't arrive at church on time. Not that it helps.

I wrote a 6-month update on giving our high schooler a phone (well, it's technically our phone that she's permitted to use as long as she follows the rules) and the best way to stop refereeing your kids' fights.

I also wrote descriptions for TED talks my preschooler could give and a sarcastic post inspired by watching my children picking apart their lunches and realizing they don't know how sandwiches work.

Visiting an ice castle in February was a fun experience for everyone, except for Phillip and the child who threw up on him in the gift shop.

These 7 funny text exchanges between Disney characters were mostly likely prompted by a viewing of the original Little Mermaid, where I had the horrifying realization that Ariel has no fingernails.

My absolute favorite project on the blog this year was working with my kids to create this video Why Moms Can't Practice Mindfulness. (They were total naturals at demonstrating why.)

I also wrote about our family's Valentine's Day traditions and how parenting sometimes means getting woken up at 6AM to look up booger facts online. Parenthood is weird.

The children kept themselves busy by vandalizing the sofa (pictured above) and I was the sickest I have ever been with a stomach bug. When I recovered, I humiliated myself in front of the high school health teacher and attempted to cook vegan meat which went exactly like you imagine.

If you'd like to know more about what I was up to all month, please see this visual representation of all the ways your kids will push your buttons as well as this alphabetical list of reasons my toddler has cried. It may help you to understand.

My children tried (and failed) to be diplomatic when I made disastrous rolls for Easter dinner, we dyed Ukranian Easter eggs, and my teenager proved you can find absolutely anything on the Internet, including someone playing Canon in D on a rubber chicken.

On the blog, I wrote about the top 5 most awkward situations I've been in (believe me, it was hard to narrow them down.)

I also created these 13 hilariously appropriate sympathy cards for parents. Please share one with a friend when the right occasion arises.

For my 36th birthday I was thrilled when Phillip bought me a new set of dishes to replace our broken ones... and even more thrilled when he served me a brownie and ice cream inside them and told me he got them on clearance for $11.

I went to a friend's college graduation, dropped my phone in the toilet, and ranted about the Thomas the Train book from hades that my child brought home from the library.

I wrote an article on all the weird food my 3-year-old served me from his play kitchen, unhelpful tips for date nights after you have kids, and some slightly more realistic inclusions for your next Mother's Day coupon book from your kids (save it and send to your husband in 2020.)

School let out and we started our educational summer vacation. By the end of it, my kids had learned all about the countries of New Zealand, Poland, Vietnam, Panama, and Rwanda, and I was completely exhausted.

There was a 16th wedding anniversary, bushes that looked like poop emojis, and more poison ivy than I ever want to deal with for the rest of my life. Phillip tricked me into singing a duet in front of everybody and apparently I have nightmares about things like buying a new couch now.

I also have NO IDEA what I'm doing parenting a teenager. None.

A good part of July was dedicated to an epic family vacation to the West Coast. After two weeks, we came home from an Evans family reunion and a tour of the Oregon/Washington coast with a ton of memories and dirty laundry.

I was proud to win the award for World's Meanest Mom for refusing to let my kids eat popsicles for breakfast, and even found the time to write a killer acceptance speech for the honor.

The older went to visit their grandparents for a week and we all drowned in leftovers because I have no clue how to cook for a small group.

The 7-year-old started horseback riding lessons and I was diagnosed with cutaneous lupus after a biopsy where I almost passed out, and the kids were late for swimming lessons every day.

My writing style was described to me as "passively-aggressively funny," which I kind of like and am in the process of trying to fit on a business card, and I wrote this recap of the odd jobs I've worked in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

In September the kids started school again, and I may or may not have tried a few of these back-to-school spells and incantations to avoid head lice. Lice is probably my #1 fear as a parent.

I mused at the disappearance of the parenting village and how hard it makes 21st-century parenting, tried to stain the deck while the little kids tried to help, and solved the mystery of a sneaky Wal-Mart delivery guy who left footprints in our newly resealed driveway. We're on to you, man.

After a decade of devoted service, our master bedroom closet gave up the will to live, so that was fun.

I was thrilled to join the elite 1% (it's probably not what you think) and pleased that cod liver oil doesn't taste as bad as I thought it would.

I forget most of the time that our family is what many people would consider freakishly large so I don't write about it that often (to me it's just everyday life,) but I decided to write this post about 7 big family misconceptions that I was told many times hit the nail exactly on the head.

With a whim and a coupon, I walked into Great Clips and cut off my hair. It turned out to be the best haircut I've ever gotten, according to my husband.

I looked at some cute baby pictures, took my family to get Christmas photos taken and cleaned up pee in the studio, and discovered that my 3-year-old apparently knows how to change a toilet paper roll. That was weird.

The highlight of December, and probably the highlight of my entire life, was a trip to Florida. Getting out of the New England cold during the winter is an out-of-body experience.

At home, I introduced the kids to Chuck Norris jokes and gave away a copy of a Christmas board game called Stella Nova (congratulations, Amanda!) I watched a lot of Christmas movies with the kids and enjoyed all of them that weren't The Polar Express.

I finished off the month by creating these motivational posters for toddlers and rounding up my 10 funniest parenting memes, and now I'm ready to settle down for a long winter's nap.

I read that was a thing in one of my kids' Christmas books.

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7 Quick Takes about Christmas Accomplishments, Chuck Norris as a Motivational Tool, and Empathizing with Charles Dickens

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

Well, Christmas was amazing. As usual.

I just love the whole feel of the entire day. Before opening presents, we all gather in a room to read Luke 2 and pretend not to hear the younger kids complaining.

Then we open presents one at a time, and the kids like figuring out a silly order in which to do it (reverse alphabetical order by middle name, rainbow order by what you're wearing, longest to shortest hair, etc.) Each one plays with his or her new thing for a while until it's their turn again, and it's one of the most relaxed and fun days of the year.

My biggest accomplishment, which I'm positive I'll be bragging about for the next 12 months, is that I ordered a total of 4 complete outfits for the girls and they all worked. Let me repeat that. I ordered them online, and all of them:

• got here on time
• fit
• looked cute
• were acceptable to my teenagers (they actually liked them)

If they gave out awards for motherhood, I would win one with this.

The other highlight of Christmas morning was this police officer costume for my 3-year-old. Between him and his brother, this dress-up outfit didn't hit the floor all day. Someone was always wearing it. The one thing I didn't realize was that one of the accessories that came with the uniform was a police whistle.

So I'm deaf now.

—2—

We enjoyed our usual Christmas traditions, some more quirky than others. I enjoyed reading about some of yours on Facebook. What about the rest of you?

Our kids draw names, but instead of getting their Secret Sibling a present, they do something nice for them every day of December and then reveal who they are on Christmas Day.

I have to help the younger boys with this but my 8-year-old did this totally independently and I loved the reveal card she made for her dinosaur-loving brother:

Of course we miss days and definitely don't do perfectly at the Secret Sibling thing, but the closer I get to 40 the more I'm like, "You know what? That's okay." I've heard this about 40. I'm excited.

Another of our more unusual Christmas traditions has been dubbed "the Annual Evans Family Christmas Light Contest That Nobody Knows About."

On Christmas Eve(ish,) we drive around and look at Christmas lights, and when we come across a spectacularly decorated one we leave them a plate of cookies and a thank-you note for putting so much time into their light display.

The kids all love it, mostly because we deliver the cookies and note ding dong ditch-style, so the excitement is pretty palpable as they're all yelling "Go! Go! Go!" in the backseat while Phillip peels out the moment the child delivering the cookies sprints back and hurdles into the car.

—3—

One thing we did differently this year was our Christmas tree. Most years, we go to a Christmas tree farm and cut one down ourselves the day after Thanksgiving, and we make kind of a day out of it.

But for some reason our Saturdays were always busy (including one where I was in Florida, and I'm not complaining about that) and it just didn't happen.

It turned out to be fine, though, because if you just go to the place down the street on Christmas Eve they'll give you a tree for $20, which is a great deal for a live tree in New England.

My least favorite part of the Christmas season is decorating, anyway, so I didn't even mind doing it this way. Maybe we'll make a regular thing out of it.

—4—

The high schooler has quite a bit of schoolwork to catch up on over the break, and Phillip and I have been experimenting with different methods to encourage her to keep working hard.

My favorite is sending her a motivational Chuck Norris joke of the day via text.

This was the first any of the kids had never heard of Chuck Norris jokes before (e.g: "Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, he just decides what time it is" "Chuck Norris was once denied service at McDonald's so he roundhouse kicked it so hard it turned into a KFC") and they thought they were hilarious.

Every time we sit down to dinner now, my 5-year-old begs, "tell us some more Chuck Norris facts!"

I seriously thought about going online to find a What Would Chuck Norris Do? bracelet for every one of them for Christmas, but decided the shipping costs would have been exorbitant. So maybe I'll just put it on the wall in vinyl lettering or something. I'm looking into it.

—5—

Last night we watched a very entertaining movie called The Man Who Invented Christmas, and I highly recommend it.

It was the story of Charles Dickens writing A Christmas Carol, and I really liked it (I always like movies about writers.)


I haven't yet looked it up to see how historically accurate it was, but I can vouch for the fact that his reaction to constant interruptions when working (slow blink with a touch of eye roll) was 100% authentic.

Seriously, it's the same face I make every time I try to do anything around here.

—6—

I wrote once in a post called "Never, Never Have I Ever" that I've never bought a Magic Eraser.

Well, I bought one and I am an idiot.

Why did I not do this before?? Magic Erasers are totally magical, and I love them. They erased the grubby handprints all over every wall in this house, which soap and water don't even touch. We've tried.

It's quite possible that this is like microfiber... I've been burned before. At first I thought microfiber was a miracle fiber with super-cleaning abilities so we bought a microfiber couch and chairs, only to realize they stain easily so they always look dirty.

Of course, last time I was in a furniture store I saw zero microfiber couches but places are still selling Magic Eraser, so it's probably legit.

—7—

I always look forward to this lazy week between Christmas and New Year's. With the exception of my high schooler (who is working hard because Chuck Norris can divide by zero!) we all have nowhere to go and nothing to do. We're just going to watch some Christmas movies, take some hikes, and play some games.

And if I'm honest, another reason I look forward to this time is that when kids misbehave, I can indignantly declare "Alright, no more [insert privilege here] for the rest of the year!"

Except this time, I can threaten to take a given privilege away for the rest of the decade. That's special, people.

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7 Quick Takes about Decorating Like It's 1899, Knowing How To Party When School Is Cancelled, and Revoking All My Previously-Held Notions as a Parent

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

As of yesterday morning, there were no Christmas decorations up in our house. Zero.

It's been on our list, but to be honest I just don't enjoy the decorating process (although having them up is nice) and it keeps getting pushed back. The kids have been asking me if we're even going to celebrate Christmas this year. Of course! I just... haven't gotten around to getting the boxes down from the attic.

Anyway, yesterday we finally pulled out the garland and the stockings and decked the halls. Of course, we still don't have a tree.

I saw that the farm stand down the street has now marked their trees down to $20, and probably if we just wait until Christmas Eve (which we basically are, at this point) they might give it to us for practically nothing. So that's kind of my plan.

Waiting until Christmas Eve is what people used to do originally, anyway. The Christmas tree was put up on December 24^th and left up until The Twelfth Night on January 5. In fact, people thought it was bad luck to put it up earlier.

So we're not hopelessly behind on life, we're just traditionalists.

—2—

We have been thinking a lot about Christmas, though. We've been talking about the Nativity with the kids, watching Christmas movies and The Nutcracker ballet, and wrapping a ton of presents.

Phillip and I just finished a major wrapping session on Wednesday night and left all the flattened Amazon boxes (thanks for making our Christmas possible, Amazon!) in a pile on the floor to deal with the next day.

When I stepped out of the shower Thursday morning, I discovered the 3-year-old had spread them throughout the house and used them to make a track for his cars. He'd also constructed some sort of finish line out of the empty cardboard wrapping paper tubes.

One other funny story is that one of the boxes was completely empty when we opened it, except for two of those squishy air pillows and a packing slip. But not  the actual product on the packing receipt. (Phillip and I learned from 2016, when we waited until Christmas Eve to wrap everything and discovered several similar mistakes it was too late to do anything about.)

—3—

This week my kids had another snow day, and I wasn't happy. We've blown through 3 snow days this year already, and winter here doesn't even properly start until January...

Last year, our school district tried out a "blizzard bag" program where instead of tacking extra days onto the end of the school year every time school is cancelled, the kids just do a packet of worksheets and stuff at home to make it up. I really liked it, but apparently others didn't because we're not doing it this year. Sigh.

Anyway, it's fine. We'll be in school until July at this rate, but whatever. It's fine.

Besides, with all the free labor suddenly at my disposal during this last snow day, taking everything out of the kitchen cabinets and cleaning/organizing all the contents went a lot  faster.

(I think when I die, the thing my kids will remember about me is that I was a really fun mom.)

—4—

Regrettably, I introduced my kids to the bad version of O Holy Night. I knew they'd think it was funny, but I didn't anticipate that they'd play it 1,000 times on repeat.

I really should've seen that coming.

If you don't know what "the bad version" is, then you've never heard it. You'd know. Honestly, I don't even like listening to it, it's so cringey (for those of you who don't have teenagers, "cringe-y" means "so awkward it makes me physically uncomfortable.")

The kids were playing it one night and Phillip turned to me and said, "You know, it sounds like that guy is actually a trained singer trying to sing as badly as possible."

That piqued my curiosity, so I had to look it up. The identity of the original singer is kind of a mystery, and the version that went viral years ago is just audio and has no credit.

But I found it! I found this video by the original creator, and I actually feel better about the song now knowing it's truly just a guy joking around and not an innocent man who's been made a Christmas laughingstock.


The funny thing about this video is that if you watch it on mute, his gestures and facial expressions suggest that he is Feeling The Music to the n^th degree and he sounds just like Josh Groban. Just mute your screen and watch starting at 7:52, then go back to that point and watch it with the sound. You'll die.

—5—

My 8-year-old has been into drawing cute animals lately. She found a lady on YouTube who does step-by-step videos, and she's been studiously copying many of the designs.

More focus than I've seen on all homework combined, ever.

They are really stinking cute, though, aren't they? 

My daughter showed me this picture and said, "she also drew a cute poop smiling next to the animals, but I thought I shouldn't do that one."

I respect her decision-making skills. 

—6—

After hearing about our struggles to get my underweight 5-year-old to eat a little more, my mother-in-law bought us this plate.

My son calls this "his maze plate."

As a general rule, I don't believe in stuff like this.

I've never understood pushing kids to eat more than they want, and I raised his four older siblings on the philosophy that they'll eat when they're hungry and won't starve if you're regularly serving them food.

My 5-year-old, however, is the same size as his 3-year-old brother and up until we started encouraging him to eat more, he used to complain of mysterious "belly aches" that must have been hunger pains.

Even when he's hungry, he seems to think eating is just too boring to be worth his time. (Which is exactly the way I feel about sleeping so I actually have a lot of sympathy for the kid.)

Maybe it was because he was a preemie who started out on a feeding tube and never truly figured out hunger. I don't know. This is why I always say if you think you know what you're doing as a parent, you don't have enough kids. You're eventually bound to get one who disproves every one of your brilliant theories.

This kid sat down and ate an entire piece of toast and 2 eggs. Mind blown.

So anyway, these plates have been a lifesaver. We never make him finish if he says he doesn't want to, but if he just feels "meh" about being at the table this encourages him to stay focused.

My mother-in-law bought it at a local kitchen store, but I found a few similar designs on Amazon here and here (affiliate links, in case you want to buy them for Christmas!)

—7—

Speaking of Christmas, I wanted to share this short but sweet video:


I promise we won't all be as theatrically happy as they show in this video. We'll just be a bunch of regular people who love Jesus Christ and would be happy to have you with us.

On that note, I want to wish you all a merry Christmas. It's truly hard to express what I feel when I think about my Savior — not just what He did for me, but also how much He does to guide, correct, and improve me on a daily basis. I'm not sure what my life would look like without Him, but it would certainly be missing the most amazing parts.

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7 Quick Takes about Dream Vacations, Santa Confusion, and Some Good Old Puns about Pears

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

I don't want to make you jealous, but I just got back from the best vacation of my life.

I went along with Phillip on a business trip, and it was awesome.

Of course, three nights of uninterrupted sleep and four days of showering with no need to yell several times through the bathroom door "WHAT IS GOING ON  OUT THERE?!" would've been magical enough, but his business trip was in Florida, which meant I went from this:

to this:

Sigh.

Even now I can enter into a Zen state while washing the dishes if I think about how this was my life 72 hours ago...

—2—

By the way, I highly recommend tagging along when your husband's business trip is a multi-day conference at a swanky resort.

Phillip was in talks and workshops from 8 to 5:30 every day, during which time I walked on the beach (I may have been levitating) and laid by the pool (I may have been having an ecstatic out-of-body experience.)

After his workday was over we'd meet up and he'd ask how my day was. I'd try not to rub it in by saying dismissively, "Oh, I just watched the sun set from the hot tub. How was your meeting?"

I guess I wasn't very successful at not rubbing it in.

—3—

I came home a day before Phillip did, so when his flight got in I went to go pick him up.

Despite my best efforts I was, of course, late.

"I'm so sorry!" I said when I pulled up to the curb, where Phillip was freezing in his sweatshirt waiting for me. "There wasn't any gas in the van so I tried to take your car, but the wipers were frozen to the windshield so I needed to scrape the ice off, but I couldn't find the scraper and by the time I found it in the kids' ball bin I was so late I just ended up taking the van anyway, and when I tried to call and tell you my phone died in my hand."

Phillip just laughed and said, "Welcome back to your life."

—4—

In our family we "do" Santa, but Christmas is primarily a religious holiday for us so we don't emphasize him very much. Anyway, I realized this past week that my 3-year-old didn't even realize that Santa is a person/character.

We were at toddler morning at the roller skating place, when an employee dressed as Santa stepped out on the rink. Surprise!

"Look!" I said to my 3-year-old. "It's Santa!"

He looked in the direction I was pointing and said, "He's hanging."

I had no idea what he was talking about so I said, "Santa is right there! Do you see him?"

"Yeah, he's hanging."

Then I realized he was talking about the Santa decorations dangling from the ceiling overhead, and he was looking right through the random guy wearing a red suit on the skating floor.

You guys, he had no concept of Santa as an actual humanoid figure that walks around and talks. He just assumed Santa was a Christmas decoration we put up in December.

So whoops, I guess we never really explained to the 3-year-old how Santa works. I gave him a barebones primer and we approached Santa, and do you know what he asked for? A "wrapped-up toy."

Well, that one should be easy.

—5—

Because Phillip is in the bishopric and they work together at church, the bishop (the leader of our congregation) gives our family a gift at Christmas.

Phillip and I were still in Florida when he dropped off a fancily-packaged box of pears, so when we came back my 8-year-old pointed to them and told us, "Apparently these are from the bishop."

I laughed and repeated, "A-pear-ently?"

Which turned out to be a mistake because she then told that joke about 97 more times.

—6—

My 13-year-old's violin lessons are a half-hour drive, but we got stuck in an accident slowdown on the freeway this week. We sat there for so long I finally had to just call the teacher and say we weren't coming.

It was pretty fun to sit in traffic for 30 more minutes until we reached the next exit and turned around for home.

Maybe it was actually a good thing, though, because my daughter's bow wrist has been giving her a little trouble.

Her teacher suggested resting it until Christmas, which seems like a long time for someone as dedicated to the violin as my daughter, but it could be worse. She said she hurt her wrist when she was earning her master's in violin performance and had to delay graduation so she could rest it for 6 weeks.

—7—

Okay, I'm going to voice what may be an unpopular opinion here. Or maybe everyone secretly agrees with me: The Polar Express is creepy as heck.

I'd always heard was a cute movie about the magic of Christmas, and was sad that my older kids wouldn't watch it. Every time I suggested it they'd moan, "No, not The Polar Express! I watched that in school and I hate it!"

I should have listened.

I watched it with my younger kids and about 10 seconds in when the main character opened his eyes, I heard my 5-year-old whisper, "Creepy..." That should have been my first clue.

Why did every scene look like a clip The Sims? What's with the hobo? What's with the 12-year-old taking coffee from a hobo? Why all the horror movie marionettes? And most importantly, why was every single character a clicinally depressed store mannequin possessed by the spirit of Tom Hanks?

Seriously, I just can't with the animation. Those people were dead inside and their faces will haunt my dreams. (Strangely, this trailer of The Polar Express redone as a horror movie actually made me feel a little better.)

Just to clarify, when I asked last week for Christmas movie suggestions on the blog and Facebook, no one suggested The Polar Express. You guys are too nice to have done something like that.

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Top 10 Funny Memes about Parenting from 2019

It's that time of year when we all look back at how we've grown as parents over the year... and then try not to laugh when we think about all the ridiculous kid-related shenanigans that have gone along with it.

Enjoy my 10 favorite memes and vemes created by yours truly in 2019. And remember, sharing is caring!

10. The "overcrowded browser" analogy needs a little tweaking. (Click here to see the video that inspired this meme!)

9. Just a little back-to-school wisdom for the other parents out there.

8. Riiiiiight about 4:00...

7. Thirteen-year-old me had no idea my mom was doing it back.

6. May is approximately 864 school days long.

5. And in the winter, it's hot chocolate!

4. I know this is utter nonsense, but Imma just let 'em finish and see where it goes...

3. To my neighbors: I'm really sorry.

2. When you're not a spring chicken anymore.

1. Well, good for them. The answer is still no.

If you liked these, share your favorites on social media and check out my favorites from 2018, 2017, 2016, and 2015!

And after that, you should probably get up and check on your kids. They're leaving you alone for a long time and that should make you very suspicious.

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7 Quick Takes about Snow Days, Something to Think about Next Time You See the Nutcracker, and Alternatives to Getting Dentures

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

Congratulations to Amanda, the winner of the Stella Nova game giveaway!

In case you missed it, Stella Nova is a fun family board game focused on the birth of Christ and it's perfect for playing during the month of December. You can see my family's review or go to the Stella Nova website to learn more.

If you're not Amanda and didn't win a free copy of Stella Nova, all is not lost! You can use the button below to get 20% off Stella Nova (regular price $39.95) in plenty of time for Christmas.

—2—

We got a foot and a half of snow earlier this week, totaling two school cancellations on Monday and Tuesday. This was directly after they'd already had several days off for Thanksgiving, so we were living it up.

The kids were joking about how we'd had Saturday about 5 days in a row, and we had no idea what day it actually was or where we were supposed to be. We mostly just sat around playing and watching Christmas movies in our jammies. It was pretty awesome.

—3—

As is our Christmas tradition, I took the kids to see The Nutcracker.

Just before the ushers came down the aisles with gigantic protester-style signs with a 'no pictures' sign that I really wanted to take a picture of but didn't.

It was my 5-year-old's first time. He was so intently focused, way more than certain 8-year-olds who were melting out of their seats with boredom by the end (to be fair, I've always felt like the second act dragged a little.)

He looked confused when the Nutcracker removed the bulky mask over his head, so I leaned over and whispered, "Look at the Nutcracker! He's a prince now!"

The 8-year-old heard us, looked the dancer up and down with a grimace, and added: "And I can see his buttcrack."

Those white tights just don't leave much to the imagination, I guess. (And dang it if I'm not going to think "The Buttcracker" every single time I see the ballet now.)

—4—

The 3-year-old is suddenly calling everyone "stupid" when he's mad. (That's actually a step up because he used to hit everybody instead. Baby steps, people.)

Phillip put the kids to bed when I was at church youth activities this week, and he said the 3-year-old was not happy about it. Their conversation went like this:

"I want Mommy."

"Sorry, Bud. She's not here."

"I want Mommy."

"She's not here."

"I want Mommy."

"She's not here."

He paused to consider this, then said, "I want Mommy."

Not knowing what else to do, Phillip put him down and said, "Fine. Go find Mommy."

With all his 3-year-old bravado falling away, he wailed "She's not here!" and collapsed, grief-stricken, into Phillip's lap. "You're stupid!"

I laughed and told Phillip not to feel bad. That very morning the 3-year-old called me stupid for not making him waffles from scratch for second breakfast.

—5—

I need some input or advice here. Backstory: I grind my teeth in my sleep (I clench them, actually) and need a mouthguard so I don't wake up with headaches.

I had a legit one made for me by a dentist a long time ago that I really liked, but a few years ago it got stepped on and broke in half.

I just about choked on my own tongue when my current dentist said a new one would cost $776, of which $0 was covered by insurance.

So I explored other options.

I bought a cheap over-the-counter boil-and-bite mouthguard, which was okay at first but it was so big and bulky that after a while it started to feel like I was sleeping with a tire in my mouth.

I did a more expensive ($100) Internet thing where they mail you a kit, you make a mold of your teeth and send it back, and they mail you a mouthguard made of flexible, soft plastic. It only lasted a year before I wore it out.

So then I tried another over-the-counter brand made of hard plastic, but I can't get the fit right.

I even considered just paying for the expensive dentist-made guard, but mine says he only makes soft guards which are the ones that wear out and need to be replaced every year or so, so that's out.

I'm about to give up and just get dentures. Any other suggestions?

—6—

Over the long (long, long) weekend, the kids and I watched The Muppet Christmas Carol, and even though we watch it every few years, I forget every time how much I like it.

When my 8-year-old asked what 'humbug' meant, my 13-year-old told her, "It means 'whatever.'"

I love how she can translate 1800s Dickensian English into modern-day talk.

—7—

Speaking of Christmas movies, I'm in the market for good suggestions. I want to watch at least a few more good ones this month, but in a family of 8 everyone's got opinions and someone's always vetoing every choice.

We tried A Christmas Story and the kids thought it was boring.

It's a Wonderful Life puts me in a stupor of existential despair.

I love Elf but the kids refuse to watch it, claiming that his social awkwardness brings them physical pain.

The Jim Carrey Grinch movie is weirdly sexual. I don't get it.

Home Alone was the biggest failure of all: the kids were begging with actual tears in their eyes to turn it off, which I guess is understandable because most of the "funny" parts are things that would actually kill someone in real life.

I could go on, but I think you get the point. What are your favorites?

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