For Those About to Shop, We Salute You

These people are too happy and the Internet is a lie.

Something that truly amazes me about parenting is our capacity to forget.

As soon as you leave a particularly challenging stage, mom-nesia wipes your memory clean like it never even happened.

This is helpful when you're considering giving birth a second time, but not, for instance, a few Saturdays ago.

Now that 3 of my 6 kids are old enough to babysit, I rarely take a gaggle of tiny humans grocery shopping anymore.

But for some reason I can't quite remember (again with the mom-nesia,) I loaded up the 3 youngest kids in the minivan one fine Saturday to do just that.

By the time we were finished, I was ready to drive the cart off a cliff.

It all starts the moment the automatic double doors swoosh open. First, no one wants to sit in the shopping cart; then everyone does. After intense negotiations, I situate the 3-year-old in the seat and the 5-year-old in the basket of the cart, and we roll to the dairy aisle with my 8-year-old skipping alongside.

The 3-year-old yanks on the seat belt in the cart, becoming visibly upset. "This seat belt is too small!"

"You don't need it," I explain, beginning to wonder if it's too late to abandon the cart and just go home to live on half a stale English muffin and five ounces of milk. "That's for babies. You're a big boy and besides, you're wearing a big coat."

"I want my coat off!"

WHY DID I SAY THAT?

The 8-year-old, meanwhile, flits around me like a hummingbird. "Where's your list? I'll read the list!"

She rummages through my pockets and purse while I remove the 3-year-olds' coat and buckle the seat belt for him, which he immediately begins trying to unbuckle.

I find the shopping list and hand it to her, reminding the 5-year-old to sit down when the cart is moving or he'll fall out. He remains unconvinced.

"I can't read your handwriting!" the 8-year-old complains, turning my list this way and that like Gaston looking at Belle's book in Beauty and the Beast. "You have really bad writing, Mommy."

"I can't un-BUUUUUCKLE it!" the 3-year-old yowls like a wounded animal.

I look around in despair, realizing that we will literally never leave this grocery store, or even this aisle, without divine intervention.

The 8-year-old, having abandoned the idea of reading my chicken scratch grocery list, is sitting on the rack at the bottom of the cart, directly under the 3-year-old, who is kicking her in the head. "Hey!" she yells. "Stop kicking me!"

"There's nowhere else for his feet to go," I say, exasperated.

We stop for a pep talk in the bacon aisle. "Look, guys: we are never going to leave here if you don't help Mommy. No buckling seat belts, no kicking anyone in the head. Do you want to stay here for the rest of your lives?"

They don't, and so we move on.

For about 20 seconds.

"He's kicking me!" the 8-year-old protests, as if she wasn't part of the conference next to the processed meats thirty seconds ago.

"Hey! I want to sit down there!" the 5-year-old pipes up from the basket of the cart.

"No! No one is sitting down there. Everyone is staying right where they are."

But it's too late. Now that the idea of leaving their assigned seats has occurred to both the 3-year-old and the 5-year-old, resistance is futile.

The 5-year-old goes to join his sister who is spinning in the middle of the aisle, while the 3-year-old heads right for the closest package festooned with Disney characters and asks "Can I have this?"

I look at the Frozen II string cheese he's clutching to his heart and wonder  How can string cheese be character-themed? That doesn't even make sense.

"If you can tell me what that is," I bluff, looking him straight in the eye, "then yes, I will get it for you."

Of course, he has no idea.

Things calm down for a little while. My kids are generally well-behaved, but I quickly realize that even when they're being good, three kids take up a lot of space.

No matter where they go they're in someone's way, so while I'm trying to comparison shop for pickles (Sandwich Cut! Chips! Whole Baby! Sweet Gherkin!) I'm also reaching behind me grabbing kids who I hope are mine and pulling them out of the path of speeding shopping carts.

No one — and I repeat: no one — is more oblivious than a kid in a grocery store.

Absolutely zero awareness that people are trying to get around them. No concept that darting in front of an old lady could end in a coronary episode.

And as luck would have it, today happens to be the Saturday before the Superbowl so the store is packed. When I turn around I see an actual line of shoppers rage-waiting behind my 5-year-old for their chips and dip while he stands smack in the middle of the aisle going like this:

Another thing I notice: if I take the 3-year-old shopping while his siblings are in school, he asks for frosted animal crackers, I say no, and that's that. But now he has cohorts to pick up the whine train when he leaves off, and frankly it's too early in the morning for that.

Now they're fighting over who gets to "help" drive the cart (spoiler alert: they're all terrible drivers.) They're clotheslining pyramid-like displays of Roma tomatoes. They're chucking apples in the produce bag like baseballs. I think I see one of them lick a green pepper.

The produce department is kind of a blur.

Finally, we arrive at the checkout with a mountain of food spilling out of the cart and three children hanging off the sides like a merry band of pirates.

While I'm settling an argument about who gets to put the cheese on the conveyor belt, the 8-year-old waves around a carton of eggs like she's going for the gold in Olympic ribbon dancing.

I make a token attempt to tell the kids to stop manhandling all the candy bars, but my 5-year-old could start playing with live explosives right now and I'd probably let it slide. I can see the exit from here.

So close, and yet so far. 

As we cross the parking lot, I'm in the middle of warning the 3-year-old not to stand on the front of the cart or he could get run over when (drumroll, please) I drive over his foot.

Bump bump! like running over a badger on the side of the highway. There are literal wheel tracks on his shoe.

He's fine, although it takes a while for him to calm down and we're blocking traffic. I scoop him up in my arms and push the cart to the van with my pinky finger as the 8-year-old announces "Make way! World's Best Mom coming through!"

At least I think that's what she's saying. I can't hear because the 3-year-old is crying in my ear.

Somehow we get everyone in their car seats. Somehow we make it home. Another week's shopping completed.

And that, dear children, is why five or ten years from now, when you're strong enough to carry a gallon of milk into the house, you'll help unload the groceries. When you whine, "Do I haaaaaave to?" the answer will always be yes. 

Yes, you do. You owe me.

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56 Practical Tips for Raising Independent Kids

As a parent, what's your end goal? One thing I think about a lot is raising my kids to be independent. 

Of course, I want close relationships with my adult children, but that doesn't mean I want them texting me 20 times a day asking for their social security number or how to cook rice.

It's about more than not wanting to field those phone calls, though. I want my kids to grow up feeling happy, self-assured, and capable. I want them to have confidence in themselves and their own abilities.

The things is, that confidence only comes from experience. Young adults are never going to believe "I can do this" unless they've experienced their own competence many times throughout their lives.

I believe it starts as early as toddlerhood, and opportunities to practice this mindset are literally everywhere. If you want to raise more independent kids, or if you're struggling to picture how it might look in your family, feel free to try some of these ideas from ours:

Toddler and Preschooler

Whenever it's safe, kids under 5 should be given every opportunity possible to do things themselves and therefore begin thinking of themselves as capable people. They can:

• Clean up their own spilled drinks and throw away their own food wrappers
• Put away their shoes and coat in a designated place
• Say 'thank you' for suckers at the bank or ask for a cookie at the bakery instead of you saying it for them
• Tell you when it's safe to cross the street when you're walking together
• Learn to advocate for themselves in disputes with other kids
• Make sandwiches and help with simple food prep
• Pick out their own clothes in the morning and dress themselves
• Clear their places at the table and pick up their own toys
• Do regular household chores (ideas for specific tasks by age here)
• Learn to identify employees in public places and how to ask for help if they get lost

In addition, things your toddler regularly uses (dishes, clothes, toys) should be stored within his reach so he can take them out and put them away himself.

Elementary Schooler

By kindergarten, most kids are ready for a lot more autonomy than we give them credit for. Most elementary-school aged kids can independently: 

• Pack their own lunches (even kindergartners)
• Keep track of their own special dress-up days at school
• Check the weather to determine how they should dress in the morning
• Order for themselves at a restaurant when the server comes to them
• Be in charge of bringing everything they need for sports practices or extracurricular activities (and putting it away afterward!)
• Look up a friend's number and call them instead of having you text/email their friend's parents to arrange playdates
• Do their own homework and ask for help if they get stuck
• Wait at the bus stop alone without an adult
• Handle transactions at the post office or grocery store while you are standing there
• Stay home alone at age 8 and babysit younger siblings at age 10
• Ride bikes around the neighborhood without you
• Learn to cook simple meals
• Learn to sew on a button
• Address and mail envelopes
• Get a screwdriver and change batteries that need replacing
• Do their own laundry (ours do their own by age 8, but they can help younger than this)
• Look at a map and give you directions (even if you already know how to get there)
• Own a watch and learn to follow instructions like "come home at 6" or "be ready to go at 4:30"
• Walk in front of you and navigate public spaces (finding the bathroom at the mall or directing you to your gate at the airport)

It's okay once in a while, but if your kid gets in the habit of calling you for forgotten homework or lunch too often it's perfectly acceptable to say, "That stinks! I really wish I could bring it to you today but I'm afraid I can't." They'll be much better about remembering it after that happens a few times, I promise.

Tweens

The tween years (which I think of as being between the years of 10 and 12) are really exciting ones. It's starting to feel like these little people you made are extremely helpful and capable! At these ages, kids are generally able to:

• Get themselves up in the morning
• Check in at their own dentist and doctor appointments
• Write their events on the family calendar
• Research things on the Internet for you
• Fill out their own back-to-school paperwork and tell you where to sign
• Visit and order from the restaurant of their choice in the mall food court (give them $15 and meet them at a table)
• Independently go anywhere within walking/biking distance
• Bike or walk to the library after school
• Be dropped off at a pizza place or movie theater with friends and no adults
• Ride public transportation alone, after they've learned how to do it with you
• Mail a package, pick up your library holds, or buy a gallon of milk while you wait in the car
• Open a bank account (we go with our kids to open one around age 12)

This is also a fun time for them to consult with you on projects around the house, like redecorating a room or planning a family vacation. Let them take a lead role in researching and budgeting, and you'll find they actually have some pretty good ideas.

Teenagers

By the time kids turn 13 or 14, things get rolling really fast. Your teenager is well over halfway to legal adulthood and it's more important than ever that they're ready to handle those responsibilities by themselves. Teens should be able to:

• Make their own appointments for haircuts
• Register themselves online for sports, pay school activity fees, order a yearbook, etc.
• Email their teachers with questions or issues instead of relying on you to do it
• Look at medicine bottles to find dosage information
• Decide their own bedtimes (although it's perfectly acceptable to set house rules about phone use, etc, after a certain hour)
• Know how to write checks and use a credit card
• Find a recipe, buy the ingredients, and make a meal from start to finish without help
• Pay bills by phone that pertain to them (using your credit card, with your permission)
• Comparison shop for something you need in store or online and buy the better deal
• Apply for a job and manage their own paychecks
• Handle their own banking transactions
• Be in charge of budgeting their own pocket money for non-essential expenses
• Maintain the car they drive and help pay for gas
• Manage their own grades, with parents only checking at midterms and the end of the year
• If going to college, handle most of the application process asking for help when needed

With so much responsibility on their plates, make it clear to your teens that you expect them to recognize when they need help and ask for it. Letting problems snowball because no one was checking up on them is not okay.

If you're not sure your teenager is ready for a new responsibility, let her try it for a little while to see how it goes. You can always scale back if needed, but sometimes she might surprise you!

A Final Word on Independence

I know I've provided you with a checklist of life skills kids can work on mastering by age, but don't get me wrong: real independence is more than just a list of what your kid does and doesn't know how to do.

Whether or not your kids how to clean a bathtub by the time they leave home doesn't matter nearly as much as whether they've learned to think of themselves as capable people. Because capable people can look at the dirty bathtub and say, "I don't know how to do this, but I know I can figure it out."

That, to me, is real independence.

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7 Quick Takes about Taking the Circus to the Doctor, Paleo Puffs, and Things I Really Shouldn't Think About If I Want to Remain Conscious

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

People always say kids complain about dinner and we do get our share of that around here, but the other day I was cooking and the 5-year-old asked what we were having for dinner.

When I answered, he shrieked, "That's the favorite food I love in my LIFE!"

Unfortunately, I can't remember what the food was so that'll probably never happen again.

—2—

Two of our kids are on a gluten-free, dairy-free diet right now. Because of a variety of issues we're starting to suspect they're allergic or intolerant to something they've been eating, and those two things seemed like the most likely culprits to start with.

My plan is to eliminate dairy and gluten for two weeks, then reintroduce them one at a time to see if it makes a difference in how they feel.

The 5-year-old is tolerating this new diet really well, but the 7-year-old is utterly miserable. She mopes around moaning about the food she can't have and probably goes to her room and writes angsty poetry about it when I'm not looking. It kills me to see her so sad, but every time someone else in the family has a food she can't I tell her, "I'll get you that after this two weeks is over."

At this point I've promised her approximately 2,304 things. We may have to take out a second mortgage.

—3—

I often try to bundle my kids' doctor/dentist appointments as a time-saving strategy, but sometimes it turns out to be more trouble than it's worth.

Scheduling my three oldest kids' physicals back-to-back sounded like a good idea at the time, but in actuality it was a terrible one.

First of all, the three oldest are my three babysitters, so duh, it meant that the three littles needed to come along.

Also, we couldn't just do everyone's physical together in the same room like when they were younger because they're old enough to want privacy.

So we were there for over an hour, me hopping from one exam room to the next with various children while the little kids waited in the waiting room with whoever wasn't seeing the doctor. (And even then, one of the receptionists came to get me to take a preschooler to the bathroom.)

But it's not all stress and chaos. The next day we were running late for a kids' show/concert thing, but no problem. I dropped them at the curb a few blocks away, assigned the two big kids to partner with the little kids, and told the middle two to go save us some seats while I parked the car.

That would have gone so differently if I had fewer kids and I was trying to maneuver a gigantic double stroller through the parking garage while the toddler tried to run into traffic and the baby threw his pacifier on the ground 57 times.

Compared to that, life with a half-dozen kids is downright easy sometimes.

—4—

They were handing out snacks at the beginning of the show, and my 7-year-old asked me to open hers.

"Wait, is there milk or gluten in this?" I asked.

"No," she said, "the bag says 'no soy, no gluten, no dairy, no eggs-'" and seeing me struggling to tear open the bag, she added, "No opening..."

I have no idea what these could be made of.

My 15-year-old wasn't impressed, but maybe that's because of the two snack choices she opted for the Paleo Puffs.

No, I'm not kidding. Those are a real thing.

—5—

I've been spending a lot of time at the dermatologist's office.

I mentioned that I have some odd spots on my face, and they've been getting more noticeable than they used to be.

I went back and forth for a year with one dermatologist who never was able to give me a satisfactory answer, so I just switched offices to get a second opinion.

This one has been a lot more aggressive.

For one, she recommended that I get a second biopsy, and I almost passed out when she did it. I can look at my kids' bloody injuries all day long, but if it's me getting hurt then get out the smelling salts. In the past, I've passed out after cutting my finger with a kitchen knife and also after getting blood drawn.

During the biopsy I really tried not to think about how she was cutting out a chunk of my face, but that's kind of like telling yourself not to think about pink elephants and obviously I was not very successful.

Anyway, I went back this week to get the stitches removed and learned that the biopsy suggested an autoimmune disease called lupus.

Lupus is usually bad news because it can affect your heart and kidneys, but there are things about that diagnosis that don't make sense for me, so neither of us are totally sure.

To investigate further, she did a second biopsy (during which I distracted myself by playing on my phone.) She also ordered blood work, a urine test, and a witch doctor to roll some creepy dice made out of chicken bones to divine what in the world is wrong with me.

—6—

I try to keep it light on the blog because who likes a complainer, but I struggled this weekend.

Aside from the stress of the biopsy (afterwards I totally went in the bathroom and cried,) we are kind of overwhelmed with home repair projects and our little house is starting to feel a bit cramped for the 8 of us.

I generally like making do with less than the average person, but we've actually started wondering if we should remodel or move to make space for our big family, which then makes me think, "Whatever we do needs to be done now because pretty soon the kids will start growing up and OH MY GOSH THE KIDS ARE GOING TO GROW UP."

Before I even know what happened, I'm weeping over their baby pictures and listening to Sarah McLaughlin sing "I Will Remember You" on repeat.

Motherhood is not for the faint of heart.

—7—

My 7-year-old went to a church activity over the weekend for the girls her age in our stake (6 or 7 congregations grouped together.) The theme was "Putting on the Armor of God," which comes from Ephesians 6: 11 in the Bible.

Making a cardboard shield to take to the activity.

I drove her and the other girls from our congregation up to a nature camp about an hour from here that is owned by our church. It's a neat little area, with pretty trails and a little amphitheater area facing the lake.

The lake is public access, though, so right as we were having a spiritual lesson for the girls, a pack of shirtless 18-year-old guys zoomed by in a speedboat whooping and hollering.

It was amusing the first time, but when they turned around and did it again (to impress all the 10-year-old girls in attendance, I guess) I was dying laughing.

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3 Kinds of To-Do Lists That Will Actually Work For You

This post contains affiliate links, which mean I could earn a small commission for referring you - but don't worry, you're not charged an extra cent for it.

Trying to run a household while simultaneously trying to keep all the people in it alive is no small feat. In fact, it's overwhelming.

I don't know how other people manage it, but I'm an organizer. I have systems for everything, but most of the time it feels like organizing my to-do list is the thing that makes or breaks a day.

I hate to-do lists. Do I have to keep one?

I'm sorry, but yes.

On any given day, there's an infinite number of emails to send, errands to run, paperwork to be filled out, kids' activities to register and pay for, and things to fix/clean around the house.

Simply trying to remember it all causes anxiety. When I feel totally overwhelmed, it's usually because I've been trying to keep it all in my head.

Putting all your to-dos in writing frees up brain space to actually work on those tasks instead of worry about them, and you'll usually find once you write it all down that it's not as bad as you thought.

Do a brain dump if you feel stressed right now, and then every time the thought "Oh, I have to remember to do that!" pops into your head, add it to the list. It doesn't matter if you keep it on your phone or on paper — I use a whiteboard on my kitchen wall.

3 Types of Daily To-Do Lists That Actually Get Done

Now here's the thing: AFTER YOU DO THE BRAIN DUMP YOU'RE NOT FINISHED.

I used to make that gigantic master list and then work like crazy, picking items at random and checking off as many as I could. I'd end the day exhausted, but even worse I'd feel like I'd wasted time on the wrong tasks while the more important ones were left undone.

After you do a brain dump, you need to prioritize everything into small, manageable chunks you can actually accomplish in a day. Here are my three favorite ways to do that:

1. Hourly To-Do List

If you're an optimist like me, you'll probably find an hourly to-do list helpful. Research suggests optimists are chronically late because they think they can squeeze in "one more thing" before they leave, which is the same reason we overload our to-do lists with an unrealistic number of tasks.

In the morning, I write out my waking hours for the day and block off time in hour-long increments. You could buy a snazzy day planner for this, or you could just use scratch paper and throw it away at the end of the day.

Either way, writing it down forces you to acknowledge how long things actually take, and you'll be more realistic about your time.

2. Category To-Do List

When I'm particularly struggling with balancing the various parts of my life, I find a category to-do list most helpful.

Think of your main areas of responsibility and write them down. Mine are: God, self, spouse, kids, house, blog, and church. Under each category, I write 1-2 items.

That's it. That's really all I can do in a day.

It's kind of frustrating not to be able to write down 20 things under each heading like I want to, but once I know it's all I can realistically finish anyway, it becomes easier to accept.

3. Contextual To-Do List

This suggestion comes from David Allen's productivity book Getting Things Done, which truly changed my life and lowered my stress level.

The idea behind a contextual to-do list is that you can only do certain things in certain contexts: you can't run errands if you're stuck at home with a napping baby, and you can't talk to your partner about refinishing the deck if he's at work. So why not make a list of things you can do at that moment?

When I make a contextual to-do list, everything gets sorted into the appropriate column:

• Emails/Texts
• Errands
• Phone Calls
• At Computer
• At Home
• To Discuss With Spouse

Now I have a bunch of lists of things I can do right now, whatever "right now" looks like. For example, if the kids are quietly occupied it's a good time to bust through a few items in the"phone calls" column. Before leaving the house, I check at the "errands" column to see what else I can do while I'm out.

Effective to-do lists not only remind you of all the things you need to do, they keep you organized and help you accomplish more with less stress. If your current to-do list is leaving you frustrated, demotivated, or burned out, you should definitely give one of these a try.

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How to Do Laundry for a Family of 8 Without Completely Losing Your Mind

Everyone hates laundry.

You probably hate it because it never ends, because there's always a mountain of it, because they're always behind, and because it's so utterly tedious.

While I could and would say all those things about dishes or sweeping, laundry is honestly one of the household chores I feel I've managed to make... manageable.

Add a toddler in rain boots playing a kazoo jumping on top of this pile and you have our house.

There are 8 people in my family, including a toddler and preschooler, so make no mistake, we do a lot of laundry.

It averages out to 1-2 loads per day in our house, and for those wondering how I maintain sanity amidst all that, here are my best large family laundry hacks.

Location, Location, Location

I'd be lying if I said having our washer and dryer in a closet right off the kitchen didn't make all the difference.

I can easily throw in a load, hear when it's finished, and switch it to the dryer while I'm making lunch and it doesn't seem like a big deal.

If I had to go down do the dark recesses of the basement, or even upstairs near the bedrooms, I would probably hate laundry for all the above mentioned reasons.

I know you can't exactly choose where your washer and dryer hook-ups are, but if you're remodeling or buying a new house you should definitely pay attention to it. A central location matters.

Utilize Slave Labor (i.e.: Your Children)

In our house, the kids have to pitch in and we're not at all apologetic about it. If you still wear diapers you get a pass, but everyone older than that has to do their part.

Two-year-olds can match socks and put their underwear in a pile. Four-year-olds can crudely fold shirts and pants with a little help. Six-year-olds can fold everything and put it all away in their drawers.

When you're eight, you learn how to use the washer/dryer and receive your own laundry hamper (we use laundry bags on a hook because they're easier for the kids to carry down the stairs.) From that point on, you're completely responsible for doing your own clothes from start to finish.

We give kids who do their own laundry an assigned day of the week until they're 11 or so, and after that we just tell them to wash their clothes as needed. They'll learn.

Sort by Room, Not by Color

Each kid has their own laundry bag/hamper in their room, with the exception of the 4- and 6-year-olds who share a hamper since I still wash both of their clothes.

With every kid's laundry in its own hamper, it's easy to put away. When a load comes out of the dryer, it can be brought straight to the room where it's supposed to go.

In the master bedroom I do separate mine and Phillip's whites from our colors — but that's as fancy as I get, sorting-wise. I've never had a problem washing our mediums and darks together, or, for that matter, mixing the kids' whites with their colors.

Just kidding, I never iron.

Get Out of Laundry Basket Purgatory

Some people don't mind folding 10 loads all at once over the weekend, but to me that sounds only slightly more appealing than Chinese water torture. I avoid letting clean laundry pile up at all costs, which is why I don't own any laundry baskets.

Our only laundry basket lives on top of the dryer to collect unmatched socks and random pieces that somehow got in the wrong load.

Over the course of the week it fills up and on the weekend, I call the kids to go through it and put away anything that belongs to them (it takes 5 minutes and I supervise to make sure everything gets claimed.)

When a child's laundry comes out of the dryer, anything that doesn't belong to him goes in the basket on top, and the rest of it goes back into the hamper to be returned to his room where he's supposed to fold and put it away that same day.

Does that really happen? Well, the kids aren't allowed screen time until it's done, so yeah, they're pretty motivated.

As for me, I timed myself and it takes less than 10 minutes to fold a load of laundry. I can handle 10 minutes once or twice a day, but I would curl up and die if I had to fold two hours of laundry over the weekend. So I guess you could say I'm pretty motivated, too.

Random Odds and Ends

Of course, there are always things that just need to be thrown in the wash to be done ASAP instead of languishing for a week in a hamper somewhere: stinky pee clothes, sweaty soccer socks, wet kitchen washcloths, and the like. So we have a signal.

If the lid of the washer is open, it means you can throw in dirty laundry. I just keep an eye on it (again, our washer is centrally located, so I walk past it 50 times a day) and run the machine whenever it gets full.

A closed lid means the washer's full of clean clothes, so whenever I see it closed that's my reminder to move the load into the dryer.

Because everyone in the house knows the lid up/lid down signal, dirty clothes don't accumulate in piles on or around the washer waiting to go in, or even worse, get thrown in on top of clean clothes and then put in the dryer. *retching noises*

I've spilled secrets of doing laundry for my 8-person family in hopes that it helps you. I see you, you know, wondering how to conquer the mountain of linens and clothes piling up beside your washing machine.

Comment below with any questions, or feel free to share what works in your family. If having many children has taught me anything, it's that very few things in life are one-size-fits-all.

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The Perfectly Average Mom's Guide to Spring Cleaning

Spring cleaning is one of the cruelest customs ever forced upon mothers. I'm overwhelmed enough as it is just trying to corral my kids' shoes and make sure there's no pee on the toilet seats when people come over, thank you very much.

If you, too, feel like you clean constantly but your children are breaking stuff and making messes faster than you can keep up, and you can't possibly imagine who these people are who have ever cleaned behind their refrigerator, then this guide to spring cleaning is for you.

I've broken down spring cleaning into just 5 manageable steps, and trust me, I know because I do them every single year.

Step 1: Decide on your plan of attack. 

Spend a lot of time drawing up lists of tasks that need to be done in each room, consulting spring cleaning guides on Pinterest, and reading tutorials on cleaning ridiculously obscure things, like the grease splatters that have been cemented to the vent above your kitchen oven for longer than your children have been alive.

Consider color-coding the tasks you've listed and figure out when you'll get them all done. Make sure none of your plans leave room for emergencies like taking someone to the hospital for stitches or a toddler who learns how to open tubs of Vaseline by himself. Because that never happens.

Step 2: Gather your supplies. 

Every rag, scrub brush, and commercial cleaning product you own should be within reach, as well as enough paper towels to wax a yacht or small cruiseliner.

Include your favorite over-the-counter headache medicine, because you'll spend virtually all of this time refereeing fights over who gets to play with the broom. While waving the broomstick around wildly, someone will also hit you in the forehead.

Step 3: Procrastinate. 

Remember that you actually hate cleaning and don't want to do any of this. Search for something, anything, else to do.

Of course there's always Netflix, the computer, your phone, or just the children hanging from all of your limbs screeching for snacks. But you can also try:

• Doing a task you've been putting off for years because it literally doesn't even matter. Alphabetize your spices, make sure all the towels in the house are folded the same way, or sort your kids' Legos by color and size so they can appreciate your organization when they dump them all out in the middle of the floor 10 minutes from now.
• Notice your haggard appearance. Have you been meaning forever to clip your nails, get a haircut, or pluck that one freakishly long hair that keeps growing on your cheek? Think some more about how you really need to get around to it someday.
• Feel crushed by the weight of your own despair. How could you have entertained the idea of scrubbing all your baseboards when the living room floor is at this moment covered with 10 pairs of dirty socks and a half-eaten banana? Sink into a deep depression and think about what your children will say about you in therapy someday.
• Check out real estate listings in your area. Even though it doesn't change your current situation, you'll still feel highly satisfied looking at the spotless homes on the MLS listings. Consider photoshopping your favorites into the background of your family pictures and pretending you live in such immaculate surroundings.

When you feel like you've whined, dragged your feet, and wallowed in denial for long enough, it's time to move on to step #4.

Step 4: Put on your big girl panties and start tidying up the house. 

Everywhere you go, spot something else that needs to be put away, something that needs to be fixed, or another fire (figurative or literal) that needs to be put out.

After several hours in which you've walked approximately the distance of a half-marathon, the house doesn't look much different than when you started.

The kids, upon noticing you rage-cleaning, have all scattered and disappeared. Take advantage of the quiet by playing with your phone. Only for a few minutes, though, because soon they'll sense relaxation and come to destroy it like heat-seeking missiles.

Step 5: Acknowledge your limits.

Accept that picking up half the toys and scraping the Thomas the Train stickers off the floor with a butter knife is a good start. In fact, it's probably all you're capable of right now, anyway.

Commit to spring cleaning for real after the last kid moves out in 10-18 years. Until then, aim for a level of sanitary that Child Protective Services would find mostly acceptable.

If the closest you've ever been to scrubbing the grout between your tiles is shuffling across the floor on some old towels after the kids' bath time, don't worry. This perfectly average mom's guide to spring cleaning is exactly what you've been looking for.

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Secrets to Raising Hard-Working Kids Who Help Around the House (Without Complaining!)

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One summer day, my kids were outside sweating and weeding the garden with me when a neighborhood kid came over.

"What are you doing?" he asked, puzzled.

"Pulling weeds," my son answered. "Want to help?"

The other kid stared at my son like a Martian and after a few stunned seconds, managed to stutter: "Why?"

I'm not sure if he was asking why they were pulling weeds or why he'd want to help, but from the look on his face he probably meant both.

I've mentioned several times on this blog that my kids work hard; in fact, they're the most hard-working kids I know.

A reader of my blog recently asked how Phillip and I got our children to be that way. Do we give them chores? How old are they when they're expected to help around the house? And do they complain about it?

Giving Kids Chores at Home

Of course, sometimes we're flexible and decide to have a movie night instead of clean up, or a kid with a ton of homework gets a pass on chores that day. Sometimes I don't enforce chores like I should and the kids regress a little.

But in general, they're expected to regularly:

• Manage their own hygiene. Around age 2, they get a picture checklist of their morning routine: get dressed, put PJs in laundry, make bed, say prayer, brush hair, brush teeth. At about age 3 I wean them off of my help doing it.
• Finish one assigned household chore every day. I use a picture chart and assign the chores to kids according to their ability level, but every kid age 3 and up is on it. The chores include vacuuming, mopping, sweeping, emptying the dishwasher, sorting the recycling, and emptying bathroom trashes into the kitchen trash.
• Do their own laundry. By age 8, each kid gets his own laundry basket, knows how to operate the machines, and is expected to do it all - including folding and putting it away - on his own. Until then, they help me according to their ability level. For example, I might wash my 6-year-old's laundry and turn it right side out, but her job is to fold and put it away.
• Pack their own school lunches. Every night, they make their lunch for the next day. Even the kindergartner. Once a week we stock categorized bins with snacks/sides to go in the lunch. All they have to do is throw some into their lunchbox and make a sandwich. 
• Help clean the kitchen after dinner. We took all the parts of cleaning the kitchen and dining room and divided it among the number of able-bodied kids in the family. We wrote them on popsicle sticks and everyone randomly picks a chore. Mom and dad are floaters who help until everyone is done.
• Clean up their rooms every night. Before bed, we all move in a group to each kids' bedroom for a quick 60-second cleanup. The older kids usually get a pass because they didn't take out all the toys, but sometimes they pitch in anyway.
• Work in the yard. During the summer, we shoot for half an hour of outside work every weekday. We set a timer and pull weeds or pick up sticks, and then they use a kid-sized wheelbarrow to dump it in the woods.
• Generally pick up after themselves. I am absolutely not in charge of clearing the kids' places at the table, putting their backpacks away, or hauling their bikes into the garage, and they know it. They're still not always great at remembering to hang up their coats, but they also don't argue when I interrupt them to go back and do it.

Do our kids complain about all the work they do? Not really.

In my 13 years of parenting I've noticed that kids only complain about work they see as "extra." They don't really fuss too much about whatever's normal because well, that's just the way it is.

Meaning that kids who barely lift a finger around the house will moan for 30 minutes about being asked to unload the dishwasher once a month, while their friends across the street won't complain about a list of chores the length of their arm that they do every day. Weird, huh?

What Makes a Hard-Working Kid?

Maybe it's partly luck and we were just given easy children, but I like to think we had at least something to do with our kids' good work ethic.

Here are some general principles we've followed in our parenting that I think have made a difference.

1. Start young. 

The younger they learn to work, the easier it is for you — eventually. They won't do a great job at first, but they will when they get older, and because they've been doing it their whole life they'll do it without complaint. Of course it's not too late if your kids are older, but there will probably be a lot of complaining until the workload becomes their "new normal."

2. Recognize their capabilities.

A 4-year-old can sort the recycling. A 3-year-old can vacuum. A 2 year-old can find his clean underwear in the laundry and put it in a drawer. I try to introduce chores as young as I can, and have realistic expectations — that means letting it slide when the 4-year-old misses a lot when sweeping the floor, but also making the 12-year-old to redo it when she does. (A book I love about building work ethic and age-appropriate chores for kids is The Parenting Breakthrough.)

3. Mean what you say.

Kids work willingly at home when they know they can't get out of chores by avoiding, ignoring, stalling, or throwing fits. If you feel like your kids don't listen when you ask them to work at home, odds are they're also using the same tactics to keep climbing on the couch when you say stop or keep texting at the table when you tell them to put their phone away. In this case, it's your discipline style instead of your chore charts that need tweaking.

4. Teach the broader lesson.

My 3-year-old's favorite phrase right now is "I don't want to," to which we answer, "I know, but we all work to help the family." To us, it's not just about having a clean house. We want the kids to learn that life involves work, and pitching in is just part of being alive. When someone spills their milk, we try to shrug and say "The towels are in the kitchen" instead of getting mad and treating cleanup like their punishment. (Note that I said 'try.' It's hard not to get mad the 250th time.)

5. Fight entitlement in other ways. 

We avoid spoiling the kids with excess toys, overpaying their allowance, or only assigning chores when they get an immediate reward. We also try to get the kids involved in activities that require consistent hard work, like sports or instruments.

6. Love them like crazy.

Maybe this is the most important one and I should've put it first, but the one thing you can never give your kids too much of is love. When you have a good relationship with your kids, they will want to be good for you, listen to you, and volunteer to help without even being asked. Kids who work hard are still happy as long as they know their parents love them unconditionally, care about their lives, and genuinely like them.

In my view, having hard-working kids is more a part of our overall parenting philosophy rather than a separate set of things we do or don't do.

The specifics of how kids work in every family is going to be different, and that's okay. But I'm pretty happy with my Martian children who pull weeds in the yard on a sunny summer afternoon because that's just what we do. It works for us.

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What If You're Too Busy To Be Spiritual?

Whenever I'm sitting in church and the speaker brings up Mary and Martha, I start to get antsy and look for the nearest exit.

I'd never be one to say I hate any passage of scripture — but if I was, I'd definitely hate the Mary and Martha story.

In Luke 10: 38-42, Mary and Martha host Jesus at their house. While Mary is sitting at his feet listening to Jesus teach, Martha is doing all the food prep and serving by herself.

I can just imagine her getting more and more frustrated until she bursts out, exasperated, "Don't you care that I'm doing all this work alone? Tell Mary to help me!"

And Jesus responds:

"Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things, but one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

Well, then.

I've sat with my Bible open on my lap, seething as I read these verses, feeling more indignation than Martha herself probably did.

Because actually, I am Martha.

I spend all day, every day picking up and putting away a million things, shuttling kids to doctor's appointments, signing school forms, making meals, doing laundry, washing dishes, reminding kids to do homework and take showers...

To be told that all this work doesn't matter, that I just shouldn't worry about it, is a slap in the face. Not 'needful?' How about I stop buying diapers and we'll just see how needful it is?

The reason I got so mad at the Mary and Martha story was because it made me feel discouraged, depressed, and basically hopeless.

An incredible amount of administrative work goes into running a family, and no matter how much I want to be Mary, the fact is I still have to be a whole lot of Martha if we're all going to have clothes to wear and food to eat.

But after some thought and soul-searching, I've discovered something about the Mary and Martha story that changes everything.

It starts with looking at what Jesus actually said to Martha. Other than pointing out that Martha was "careful and troubled about many things" (i.e: conscientious and a tad stressed-out,) he didn't really say much about her or what she was doing at all.

He mostly talked about Mary. What, exactly, was Mary doing that was so great Jesus called it "the better part?"

I assume that ordinarily, Mary was not a deadbeat. I don't think Jesus would've condoned a life of lounging in a bubble bath with cucumber slices on your eyes while someone else bakes the bread and scrubs the floors. Mary was probably right in there with Martha 99% of the time.

But on this day, Mary recognized that if there was ever a good time to drop her ordinary chores for something more important, this was it.

Think about it: they had the Son of God sitting in their house teaching them about the things of eternity, and Martha (bless her heart) was preoccupied with the table linens!

Of course it's easy to criticize Martha for having her priorities all wrong, but how many times have I done the same sort of thing?

I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes when my family gathers for nightly scriptures and prayer, I'll miss some or all of it because I'm busy finishing up cleaning the kitchen.

In reality, the dishes can wait — not forever, but for a little while — while an important spiritual moment is going on. In ten minutes I can get back to them, but reading and praying with my family in that moment needs to take precedence.

The story of Mary and Martha, thank goodness, isn't an indictment against anyone who's ever mopped a floor or organized a closet or made a weekly meal plan.

It's a lesson in priorities. If we do the work inherent in life while reserving top priority for Jesus, even a hard-working Martha like me can start to become a little more like Mary.

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A list of Things It Is Absolutely Unfair I Have to Clean

I have a complicated relationship with cleaning. I don't exactly enjoy it, but like visiting the dentist or getting a colonoscopy, there are worse things in the world and at least there's peace of mind to be had after it's over.

I'ts not that I hate cleaning. But.

There are certain items that I absolutely loathe cleaning. Most of the time I can let my mind wander onto more pleasant thoughts while I do the household chores, but when it comes time to clean any of these, I'm definitely thinking increasingly homicidal thoughts with every sweep of my scrub brush.

1. The Washing Machine

I'm already tethered to the washing machine like a mom tied to a nursing baby. I do so much laundry. I'm at its beck and call every day. I hear the buzzer at the end of the cycle in my nightmares. Are you telling me I have to wash the clothes, dry the clothes, fold the clothes, iron the clothes (haha, just kidding,) put away the clothes, and on top of all that I also have to wash the washing machine? Something is clearly wrong here.

2. The Bathtub

I don't even use my bathtub to bathe. That's for people who don't have children crawling on their heads at all hours of the day and night. No, it's where I clean filthy floor rugs and Phillip hangs his sweaty running clothes, so what else can I expect? Our tub gets dirty, but it just doesn't seem right to have to clean a bathtub, no matter how much logic is involved. When I saw "jacuzzi-style tub" on the real estate listing, I didn't realize it was code for "something that offers no benefit to you but you must clean, anyway."

3. The Shower

The great unanswerable question of life is not "what is the sound of one hand clapping?" but "why does soap leave scum behind?" Think about it: shampoo and soap are products we use to clean our bodies, so why must they leave behind an icky residue I need to wipe off the walls and curtain liner in the shower? It boggles my mind to think that showering is just trading a clean me for a dirty shower. It's almost not worth it.

4. The Dishwasher

Oh, the dishwasher. This is another hard-working appliance in the Evans household, but I have to work even harder to keep it clean so it can clean for me. In what universe does this make sense? Dishwasher gunk is the smelliest, grossest substance, and to clean a dishwasher you have to get down on your hands and knees and become a circus contortionist to reach the nooks and crannies where it likes to hang out. I pay our dishwasher to clean my plates and glasses for me, and yet... at what cost?

5. The Sink

It only takes a few days, tops, for my sparkling white porcelain sink to start looking like the Gulf of Mexico after the BP oil spill. I know kids dump juice and maybe some food scraps down the drain, but it feels excessive to me how quickly the entire sink turns dirty and disgusting looking. I feel like I need to set up a CSI-style crime lab just to figure out how in the world my sink gets so filthy so fast. It's not like I'm pouring radioactive substances down the drawn. Most of the time it's just water. Clean tapwater. Go figure.

6. The Trash Can

Considering the function of the trash can, I should expect it to be the messiest receptacle in the house. And I do. I'm not surprised that the garbage can needs washing, but still there's something about squatting on the floor wiping sweat from my brow while scrubbing out what is essentially an indoor dumpster that makes me want to tear my college diploma from its frame and chuck it right in while screaming "Behold, the power of the 4-year degree!" I never would've envisioned that my life choices would lead me to regularly polish the place where I put my garbage, but here we are.


Like I said, I generally don't mind cleaning — as long as it's not one of the things on this list. If you ever invent a self-cleaning washing machine, you can fully expect me to show up on your doorstep with a suitcase full of $100 bills and singing that Whitney Houston song from The Bodyguard.

(Seriously. No more cleaning my cleaning appliances. I don't know how much longer I can take the irony.)

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