5 Sneaky Parenting Hacks to Get Your Kids to Obey (No Yelling!)

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In the last 17 years of wiping butts and vacuuming up Legos, I've come across a lot of parenting hacks. Some were better than others, and some were so downright brilliant I'm upset I didn't discover them earlier! 

Your mileage may vary depending on the ages and personalities of your kids, but allow me to share with you some of my absolute favorites.

I've been using these for years, but it has to be said: these "hacks" are like Band-Aids. They're quick fixes for generally good listeners, but not exactly long-term solutions for kids who never listen. 

(If you're ready to tear your hair out because your kids ignore every word you say, I suggest trying the strategies in this book instead.) 

Countdown: T-Minus 10 Seconds

This sounds like counting to three but it totally isn't. Instead of counting to a certain number and then the kids get in trouble, you're telling them how many seconds until a specified activity is going to occur. Think of it like the countdown to a shuttle launch.

What you're going to do is use your most dramatic voice to announce "It's time for lunch in 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1! Good job getting to the table, guys. Let's eat!" My goal is to sound super-excited about it, so the kids' competitive drive kicks in and they try to make it to the table before I hit zero (or at least don't miss the beginning of dinner.)

Slowly List Who's Obeying

Before bedtime our family gets together for kneeling prayer, and sometimes the kids are a little rowdy. (And by that, I mean they won't stop whacking each other with light sabers and doing quadruple gainers off the couch.) So I will look around and, in a positive voice, name the people I see who are quiet and ready for the prayer. 

And if none of the kids are? I'll literally say, "Who's ready for prayer? Let's see, Mommy's ready... Daddy's ready..." and they'll often fall right in line like they can't wait to get named, too. There's just something about that dopamine hit of praise and you should absolutely leverage it. (Note: I don't call out anyone for misbehaving, I just name everyone who is behaving.)

10-Minute Deep Fake

In many ways, giving your kids a choice is dumb parenting advice. When asked "Do you want to clean up your cars or your blocks first?" ten out of ten kids will say "Neither!" and keep playing. But there's a better way that actually does work.

About 10 minutes before you want your kids to do something unpleasant, ask them: "Do you want to clean up your toys now or in ten minutes?" It'll shock precisely no one when they answer "Ten minutes," but in the end they'll feel like they scored extra playtime and you'll get exactly what you wanted. 

If they still complain, a reminder that they already got 10 extra minutes (and might not next time if they don't cooperate) is usually enough to make them roll their eyes and go do it.

Tack Your Request onto a "Yes"

Make a mental note of a quick chore or something you'd like your kids to do in the back of your mind, and then save it for the right moment. Wait until they ask "Can I/we ____________?" you can cheerfully answer, "Yes, right after you put away your shoes and backpack!"

For some reason, saying "Absolutely, let's just do [insert annoying thing you don't like doing] first!" is much more well-received than me following them around asking them to pick up after themselves. (To read about a few quick clean-up games I've been known to use on occasion in our house, click here.)

Put It On a List

What things do you find yourself asking your kids to do every day? Put it on a list, and make something they really like to do (in our house, it's screen time) conditional on completion of the list. It may take some adjustment, but trust me: you'll love outsourcing some of your Nag Machine duties.

Each of our four youngest kids have lists in a page protector on the wall, with things like doing your homework, packing tomorrow's lunch, playing outside, and practicing piano. They cross off items with a whiteboard marker as they go and wipe it off to do it again the next day.

And if all else fails, you could always try the hack I discovered my 15-year-old has been using when Phillip and I are out of the house: turn the computer volume up and blast Minecraft music. The kids drop everything and come running, and she never even has to raise her voice.

I'm raising a smarter version of myself, people.

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How to Quit Playing Referee for Your Kids

It was shockingly late in my tenure as a parent (I'm talking 12 years and 6 kids in to the whole business) that I learned a secret that freed me from refereeing sibling disputes forever.

Talk about life-changing.

I came across a parenting meme on Pinterest that said "Teach your child to advocate for herself" and it was like a five-alarm siren going off in my head.

Depending on the situation, that could mean a lot of things, but to me at that moment it meant I needed to stop arbitrating my kids' disputes for them, and teach them how to do it instead.

My kids get along well, most of the time. They play together a lot, which is incidentally why they also fight. After all, you can't dance without stepping on some toes.

I've always believed in encouraging them to work out their disagreements, but in reality sending them away to "go work it out" wasn't very successful. 

Half the time, the bigger, stronger kid would just get his way while the other cried, or negotiations escalated to a point where I had to take away the toy they were fighting over and say that no one gets it.

I realized it wasn't enough just to tell them to work it out. They were still learning, and they needed someone to teach them.

So now when someone comes running to me sobbing "he shoved me off the couch!" or "she called me mean!" I focus on teaching them to advocate effectively for themselves.

I might ask a few questions to get a better picture of what happened, but I'm careful not to fall into the who-did-what-and-why trap. If I try to get to the bottom of things, fifteen minutes later everyone is mad (including me, by that time) and I still haven't sorted out what happened or who started it.

Instead, I call over the other kid and say "Your sister has something to say to you."

I stand nearby while they talk to each other, occasionally prompting them with a question or saying something to keep the discussion focused.

If someone turns to me and tries to address me, I redirect them by saying "Don't talk to me; talk to your brother/sister."

I'm still entering the fray, so to speak, but I'm doing it as a facilitator, not a referee — and let me tell you, that's a whole lot more freeing.

Go to your room! 5 points to Gryffindor!

You can start doing this when they're much younger than you probably think.

My 2-year-old's first impulse when he sees his brother holding a toy he wants is to snatch it or start screaming. Sometimes both. (But hey, I'll miss this someday, right?)

Instead of ordering the older brother to share or telling the 2-year-old to leave the toy alone, I tell the 2-year-old "If you want to play with that toy, you need to ask for a turn when he's done."

Sometimes he does it.

Sometimes he's too upset so I have to give him the words to use: "Can you say 'Norbert, can I have a turn when you're done?'" (My son's name isn't Norbert, I just think it's a fun name.)

Sometimes he's so worked up he can't even repeat me, so I'll model it for him: "Your brother would like to play with that toy. Can he have a turn when you're done?"

I can't tell you how many times I've watched two toddlers grappling over a toy in the sandbox at the playground when a parent swoops in saying "Look over here, let's play with this bulldozer!" Which I suppose heads off the altercation, but it doesn't teach either kid much about conflict resolution.

If they were focused on teaching, the parent of the snatch-and-grabber could've instead said something like "Right now it's her turn with the truck, but you can ask for a turn when she's done."

Alternately, the parent of the kid who had the truck first could tell the other one: "Emma is playing with the truck right now, but you can have a turn in a little bit" and then turn to his own child and ask "Emma, can you tell him he can have a turn when you're done?"

It may take many times of modeling and facilitating these prosocial behaviors, but eventually, kids will start doing them on their own. 

I promise it happens. Lately, I've even heard my 2-year-old asking for a turn instead of snatching.

Is it sometimes hard for him to wait? Heck, yes. Do I sometimes have to remind the other child to give the promised turn 10 minutes or so later? Also yes. But like I said, they're learning.

Most importantly, what they're not learning is that I moonlight as the referee around here. No way.

I'm here if they need me. But I'm here to help them work out a solution with the other kid, not to solve the problem myself.

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12+ Kids' Books and Movies that Model Positive Family Dynamics

If you gave me a soapbox and told me to get on it, I'd probably start talking about the importance of good family relationships. A lot of things can help or hurt in forming these relationships, but one we don't always think about is the media's influence.

After all, kids have limited life experience — but TV and books give them access into other peoples' homes and lives! If they see the same scenario playing out over and over, then it gradually becomes what they see as "normal."

Which can be great if we're talking about getting kids comfortable with characters who have disabilities or are maybe of a different race or from a different culture than they are.

It's a big problem, though, when negative or dysfunctional family relationships are the thing getting normalized. Unfortunately, the media too often shows us that siblings don't get along and kids and parents never see eye-to-eye.

If we see that enough, we start to believe it. And so do our kids.

Questions to Ask About Family Values in Media

I screen new books before my 9-year-old reads them. Why? I'm not so much worried about sex and violence, since there's only so much of that that can make it onto a shelf in the children's room at the library.

But I am flipping through the pages and asking:

• Is there a stereotypical bratty younger sister or a mean older brother here?
• Does the main character treat his siblings badly even though he's a "good guy?"
• Is the main character rude to her parents?
• Are the parents set up as one-dimensional obstacles to what the main character wants?
• Does the main character see his parents as guides? Does he ever go to them for help when there's a problem?
• Do the siblings ever work together? Help each other? Have fun together?
• Does the main character think positively about her family? Does she love them?

Family-Friendly Media Recommendations

It's kind of depressing, but there simply aren't that many books, movies, and TV shows I've come across that show the kind of family dynamics I want my kids to think are "normal."

So my very first advice about the media would be to limit it, especially television. We don't own a TV, and the lack of positive family dynamics on the screen is one reason I'm not in a hurry to get one.

With that caveat in mind, though, I do want to make a few recommendations:

Books

Magic Tree House books by Mary Pope Osborne follow a brother and sister who have adventures together time traveling in their magic tree house. Educational and good for grades 2-3.

The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis is a fantastic story with four siblings who love and look out for each other, even when one of the siblings doesn't do the right thing all the time. I'd recommend the Narnia books for about 5th grade and the movies for age 8 and up.

A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket is a little dark, but the sibling dynamics can't be beat. The kids rely on each other and work together (even the baby) to unravel the mystery of their missing parents. Good for grades 6-8. I highly recommend both the movie adaptation and the Netflix miniseries, too.

Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling. Of course Harry's home situation is comically bad, but since he's virtually adopted into the cozy and close-knit Weasley family I included this one. The siblings are friends and nobody can love them all like Mama Weasley (although I think the books show this dynamic better than the film.) The series is good to start reading in about 4th grade.

The Boxcar Children books by Gertrude Chandler Warner are about four orphans who look out for each other and solve mysteries together. Good for grades 2-5.

A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle. There is a deep and special bond between this brother-sister pair who travel through time and space to save their father and bring him back home. Good for grades 5-8.

Land of Stories by Chris Colfer. This four-book series begins with a pair of 12-year-old twins who discover a book that transports them to the world of fairy tales. Ideal for grades 3-5.

Movies and TV

The Incredibles (PG, 2004.) A family of superheroes have to use their powers to work together and save each other. Mom loves dad, dad loves mom, kids love each other and everybody loves the kids.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (G, 1971.) I haven't seen the newer remake, but I don't know that it could hold a candle to the sweet relationship between the main character and his Grandpa Joe in this classic story. (Plus, the kids who boss around their parents are clearly "the bad guys" and get their comeuppance at the end.)

The Sound of Music (G, 1965.) I don't think you can get much closer than a group of 7 siblings who go around singing together. I love how the siblings in this movie spend a lot of time together and always look like they're having fun doing it.

The Princess Diaries (G, 2001.) Throughout the movie, the teenage main character goes rock climbing with her mom, shares her feelings, gives her hugs, and goes to her for advice when she's got decisions to make. When Grandma enters the picture, the teenager takes her out on a day trip for fun.

Coco (PG, 2017.) There's some heavy family tension at the beginning, but in the end the family comes together. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, and great-grandparents work together with the main character. The overarching theme of the movie is that family is the most important thing and we never leave each other.

Older TV shows like 7th Heaven and Full House. In the 1990s, several popular sitcoms were based on functional, loving families. If you can get past the synthesized theme song, every episode shows that the best way to solve your problems is to look for guidance and help from your siblings, parents (and in Full House's case, aunts and uncles, too.)

I'm not including a list of books or movies to avoid, because even media with less-than-stellar family dynamics might have other merits. Maybe they're funny or educational or teach about other values.

And ultimately, they're just a drop in the bucket. Your kids will survive just fine as long as (1) their exposure to unhealthy family dynamics in the media is limited and (2) they have a lot of positive experiences with their own families.

My kids tell me that siblings in books "always" fight, but they also know it's just fiction because in real life their own brothers and sisters are their best friends.

A Word of Caution about Books/Movies About Families

There are two types of "family values" type books that in general, I do NOT like, and that's worth mentioning here.

The first is anything with the theme of squabbling siblings who go through something and learn to like each other at the end. It's supposedly heartwarming, but the problem is that 95% of the book is them fighting. Just when they learn to be a happy family, it's over. I much prefer media where the siblings are already friends, or there is already a strong parent-child relationship, and that is the backdrop for the story.

On the same note, I'm also not a fan of most "I'm Going to Be a Big Brother/Sister" books. The token scene about being jealous of the new baby plants the idea in a child's head that having a sibling will not be a positive experience. (Sort of like how my kids would never have thought to be scared of monsters under the bed if they hadn't read a hundred books about it first!)

By paying attention to the media that goes into our kids' ears and eyes, I think my husband and I are helping the kids develop healthy relationships with us and with each other.

Rest assured, they still argue, have bad days, or are just plain grouchy sometimes. But they play much more than they fight, and this note my 6-year-old secretly left on her 11-year-old sister's bed suggests that we must be doing all right:

Message on the pillow says "I LOVE YOU" and in Post-It notes it adds "WITH ALL MY HART."

If that doesn't warm my "hart," I don't know what does.

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What Parents Can Do to Raise Children Who Are Friends

Growing up in the 90s, one of my favorite things on TV was Clarissa Explains It All. As all preteen viewers of the show were supposed to do, I idolized the main character.

Clarissa was designed to be like all of us (except maybe a little cooler.) She was quirky and offbeat and funny, just like us. And her annoying little brother Ferguson made her life miserable. How relatable!

Fast-forward 20 years. I've got six kids ranging in age from 1 to 13, and lately I've been searching for books to interest my 9-year-old reluctant reader.

I check out library books on his reading level, but before handing them over I always screen them first. Of course I have an eye out for things like language and violence. But do you know what I'm really looking for when I screen books? I'm looking for Fergusons and Clarissas.

And they are everywhere.

Clearly, his two sisters are NOT reluctant readers.

As a kid, I consumed episode after episode of Clarissa Explains It All and never questioned the sibling dynamic, but as a parent it makes me sad to see kids' books, movies, and TV shows perpetuating the idea that siblings are one step away from primates ready to attack each other at the slightest provocation.

Worse still, I'm not so sure it's just the kids who have bought into it.

I know parents who buy doubles of everything, even when it's one child's birthday, so neither of the kids feels resentful of the other.

I know parents who read picture books teaching their preschoolers to cope with jealousy when a new baby is coming, and some who bring home a gift "from the new baby" right after the birth.

I know a mom who once, when we set up a playdate for two of our girls, declined our invitation for the younger sister to come along and play with my other children because "Hannah* probably wants to have her own playdate." As if the very presence of a younger sister in the same vicinity would've ruined Hannah's day.

(*Hannah isn't her real name, by the way.)

Ironically, all of these well-intentioned attempts to head off sibling rivalry might be contributing to the very problem we're trying to solve.

What if we, instead of anticipating sibling rivalry and doing all kinds of things to prevent it, simply expected the kids to be friends from Day One?

Is that naive? Maybe. But maybe not.

I say that because of a poem my 13-year-old wrote in school the other day as an assignment for her language class:

Words

There’s something in the word “hate”

that means bad.

There’s something in the word “kill”

that means wrong.

But there’s nothing in the word “brother”

that means mean.

There’s nothing in the word “sister”

that means awful.

There’s nothing in the word “parents”

that means annoying.

But when I tell you “I have five siblings”

And you say “I feel so bad for you”

There is a whole sea of reasons why that sentence

should make me reply,

“No, I feel so bad for you.”

There’s something in the word “family”

that means wonderful and loving and right.

I’m sorry you didn’t know

that families don’t have to fight.

The media tells us that siblings are natural enemies, but I think we can reject that idea and parent as if we expect them to be friends.

We can refuse to tolerate fighting that goes beyond age-appropriate, situational bickering.

We can encourage a team mentality by having many shared toys and spaces instead of designating ownership of every little thing.

We can seek out books and movies where families work together and siblings are friends who have adventures together.

We can prioritize family time over individual parent-child date night.

We can say good things to our kids about their brothers and sisters, both when they're around to hear it and also when they aren't.

We can praise them for cooperating or helping each other.

One thing I've learned about raising kids is that good behavior starts with the expectation of good behavior.

The Fergusons and Clarissas in the media can keep on fighting like cats and dogs, but as parents, we have the power to raise children who are friends.

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