What We Learned from Our Family Dopamine Detox Experience

I've been hearing a lot about dopamine lately. And the more I heard, the more I became convinced it was time for a family dopamine fast.

In a nutshell, dopamine is the feel-good chemical released in your brain whenever you do something enjoyable. It also plays a role in motivation, making it harder to enjoy or even start low-dopamine activities if you're indulging too much in high-dopamine ones.

While you wouldn't want to eliminate all dopamine (when scientists block the dopamine in mice's brains, the mice starve because they lack the motivation to eat), I decided it was time for a little experiment of our own: what would happen if we cut out things that added a lot of dopamine but little overall value to our lives?

Sadly, this was not a staged photo.

For one week, my family of 8 — two adults plus six kids ages 5 to 17 — were going to try doing just that. For our purposes, we identified the following high-dopamine, low-value activities:

1. Using computers or phones for any non-work or -school activities
2. Playing video games
3. Listening to music
4. Eating sugar and processed food

After the week was up, I gave separate interviews to each member of the family, including myself, to see how it went.

Q: What did you like about the dopamine fast?

Me: Everything. The kids were less crabby. I wasn't constantly policing screen time or reeling the kids back in from watching someone else play Minecraft. When I couldn't pull out my phone during moments of downtime, I was more accessible to the kids. And I loved not having the teens wearing their headphones around the house closed off to the family or scrolling on their phones when I drove them somewhere like I'm the hired help.

Phillip: I was calmer and less stressed. I had more motivation to do things so I wasn't sitting around stressed about not doing things — I just did them. I found enjoyment in activities like reading and thinking. I interacted with the kids more.

17:  I used to listen to music or watch a video when I was bored; when I was forced to do something like reading a book, it took more energy in the short term but actually gave me energy and was more satisfying in the end. It forced me to slow down and think about what would actually make me feel better, so I felt less bad about how I was spending my time. I don't want to use my brain because I'm tired, but I feel better when I use my brain more. 

15: Everything felt more grounded and physical this week.  There were less days where I felt blah. I didn't do more things, but I felt less rushed when I did do things. I knew where all my time was going so that was nice.

13: Nobody was screaming and yelling about screens. We did more stuff together like board games, instead of me being off doing my own thing. I didn't really miss screens, even though my brain was like "I want to go back to screens!"

10: I liked how everybody wasn't grouchy because of screens. When I had screens I wanted to use my time as much as I could with no one bothering me so I would get grumpy and tired and it hurt my eyes, but I still wanted to play it. I also liked the no-screens part because my friend messages me too much, and I got to do more with family.

7: I don't know.

5: I didn't really get distracted [by watching other people playing games when I'm supposed to be doing something else.]

Q: What did you dislike?

Me: Nothing, really.

Phillip: I missed access to information. Sometimes I was curious about something but decided not to look it up. Like right now, I was wondering why trees don't freeze in the winter. Last week I wouldn't have looked it up, but this week I did and it's fascinating, actually.

17: I don't like doing homework with no music. There was also no easy distraction when I wanted to distract myself from negative thoughts I was having. I don't think cutting out sugar made any difference.

15: Sometimes it was inconvenient when I wanted to text something or check the [online] calendar and couldn't. I got bored a lot, like when I finished a test early at school and then just sat there for 50 minutes doing literally nothing. 

13: There were a few times when I was at activities where they had hot chocolate and it was annoying to turn it down.

10: I still want to have some sugar! And since I couldn't message my friend, if I had something to tell her I had to try to remember it until the next day and I didn't like going home and never talking to her again.

7: I kind of didn't have anything to do except read and play outside. I just didn't know what to do, it was kinda boring.

5: I can't have all the foods.

The kids may not have liked the "no sugar" rule, but no one can say they weren't committed. In the cabinet, I found our shaker of cinnamon sugar with a new label reading "POISON."

Q: What surprised you?

Me: I read a whole book this week, which would normally take me 6 months. I used to go on YouTube when I was tired, but I think it only made me more tired. I think it stresses my brain to keep switching between the real world and the virtual world. I was also surprised that I liked not using the car radio all week. Less constant sensory input like background music in the car made me feel more relaxed and slowed down.

Phillip: Nothing. It was basically what I expected.

17: I was expecting to miss certain online activities but I found other things to do with my time. I was also expecting to feel like I did a lot, but I think I ended up just doing things slower.

15: I expected to be more tired but I was actually less tired. I could just go home from work and do stuff, I didn't really need a break [to scroll my phone]. Also, I ended up getting offered a lot of sugar that week [namely a juice/chocolate muffin/donut breakfast, cupcakes, hot chocolate and candy, and two donuts with brownie batter filling] and before I probably would've eaten it all but felt bad about it. 

13: I expected to miss screens but I didn't, really. Which is weird because we've done screen-free weeks before and it was painful. [Mom's note: maybe because we focused on why instead of just me making a rule that seemed arbitrary to the kids.]

10: I thought it wouldn't be very good but it was okay. Kind of boring, though.

7: Nothing surprised me, I didn't even think about it.

5: I thought it would be worse than this but it's not.

Q: What do you want to do differently now that this is over?

Me: I want to confine all my Internet use to daytime hours and be totally present once the kids come home from school. I also want to drastically cut back screen time for all the kids. It has no benefit to them, especially the 5- and 7-year-old who just get crabby when it's time to stop playing. 

Phillip: The main thing I don't want to do is browsing so much. I want to go on the Internet with a specific question or purpose and then get off of it. So less idle browsing and refrain from using screens late in the evening.

17: I want to be more aware of why I'm looking for dopamine. I want to slow down and actually evaluate my options to see if I want to relax with a low-value, high-dopamine activity or do something else. I didn't always make that decision before, I just did it.

15: I kind of liked not have a phone at school because if you have your phone on you, you feel pressured to respond to calls and texts right away. I might not take it with me every day.

13: I used to think 30 minutes [my usual allowed screen time] wasn't much and I thought it was stupid that you guys cared so much, but there are better ways to spend my time so I'll only play maybe only every couple of days. And not too long. After you hit like an hour, you're not really even having fun anymore anyway, you're just doing it 'cause dopamine says so.

10: I want to do less screens, and pick an amount of time I can spend on them.

7: How am I supposed to know? I kinda just do stuff and then the day's over, that's what I do.

5: Go shopping because we need more food. We can get pistachios. [These weren't forbidden, by the way.]

Final Thoughts from Mom (Because Moms Always Get the Last Word)

None of us realized it before, but I think we were all a little addicted to the Internet. This week helped us all check ourselves and set the 'reset' button in that department. 

For us, the sugar part didn't make that much of a difference because we don't normally eat many processed food or sugary treats, but if that's your family's vice it might pan out differently for you.

The older kids were more introspective about our offline week, but I think the younger kids need more help finding meaningful activities to replace screen time. The next time we try this, I'll make sure to engage them in a good project or at least set them up with more playdates.

In the meantime, I'm definitely more likely to distract the younger kids when they ask for screen time (75% it ends in a tantrum, anyway.) Sometimes I say things to the older kids like "I thought you didn't want to play on a screen every day" and they'll more willingly limit their own screen time.

Living without the Internet as much as we could for even a week was nothing but good for the whole family — especially for the kids and teens, who genuinely don't know what it's like not to grow up with a bazillion different bluetooth devices in their faces 24 hours a day. Attempting a detox like this is like swimming upstream in our dopamine-saturated world, but it sure does feel good to try sometimes.

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In Search of a Less Wasteful Christmas

It's December 1^st, and if this were any other year I would've had at least one holiday prep-related mental breakdown by now. But it hasn't happened yet, and here's the beautiful reason why: my husband and I aren't getting the kids gifts this year.

Before you start penning your letters to CPS, please hear me out. It's all part of a bigger plan. In fact, it was the kids' idea.

For years now, I've had the sneaking suspicion that our Christmas season was out of control. I tried to simplify and streamline everything I could, using task management apps, jettisoning traditions that were more work than enjoyment, even paring down our holiday decor so it didn't feel like such a big job.

But I couldn't quite bring myself to re-examine our gift-giving. It was Christmas, after all: the one day a year (other than their birthdays) when the kids get presents. And Evans family tradition had it that every kid received four gifts from Mom and Dad on Christmas morning, plus another from Santa.

Maybe that doesn't sound like a lot, but with 6 kids that equals 30+ presents to shop for... not including stocking stuffers. 

I don't want to know how many hours I've spent poring over holiday gift lists and wracking my brain for any conceivable way to commodify my kids' interests: the 7-year-old likes basketball, what product goes with that? A new ball? A jersey? A basketball nightlight for his room? A life-sized cutout of LeBron James? 

Which, to be honest, always left me feeling vaguely uncomfortable. If my son was happily playing basketball with what we had already, wouldn't he rather have me just go outside and play with him instead of hiding inside furtively reading "52 Awesome Gifts for Kids Who Can't Get Enough of the Game"?

Not only that, I was also feeling burnt out. I was tired of the planning, the brainstorming sessions, and the shopping. I was tired of the ordering and the tracking. I had come to resent the color-coded spreadsheet of which items we'd chosen but not ordered, and which ones we'd ordered but hadn't yet arrived. 

And I don't even want to talk about the gift wrapping.

Christmas 2016. I know.

But hey, I figured, that's just the way Christmas is, and resolved that the only thing I could do was change my attitude and try to enjoy the ride.

The gift-giving question was forgotten for a few more years, until this past spring. Inspired by The Minimal Mom on YouTube, I did a massive declutter of the house.

From the attic to the basement, I was ruthless in my purging. I didn't throw out any of the kids' stuff without their knowledge, but what I did do was give them permission to get rid of absolutely anything — anything — they didn't use or love. Even (and maybe especially) if they felt like they "should" keep it for some other reason.

Perhaps not surprisingly, a lot of the stuff we'd given them for Christmas just a few months earlier sailed right out the door that spring, and it was a real eye-opener to me and my husband. All those hours we'd spent hunting down the perfect gifts... maybe it wasn't as worth it as we used to think. 

I don't care for excess and Phillip doesn't like waste, and looking at the pile of items the kids happily discarded once they had permission was hard evidence that we'd inadvertently been creating a lot of both.

So what to do with this wake-up call?

We considered having the kids start drawing up wish lists, but only briefly. I didn't like the idea of reducing gift-giving to an "I put in my order and you fill it" transaction. (Where's the magic in that?) And to be honest, I wasn't sure that shoving a toy catalog in front of my 5-year-old would be any less wasteful than what we'd already been doing. 

We posed the question to the kids at a family meeting, and they came up with a creative solution: experience gifts instead of tangible ones. In the next few weeks, they'll be giving us two or three ideas of something they'd like to do, see, or visit in the week between Christmas and New Years, and Phillip and I will either choose something from the list or surprise them.

But here's the kicker: that will be their only gift from us. Phillip and I are out of the presents-that-go-in-a-box game.

The 5- and 7-year-olds were a little concerned, but were fine once we assured them they'd still get stuff from their grandparents, and Santa will still fill their stockings and bring them one physical present. Our Christmas isn't going to be ascetic, just reasonable.

Ultimately, I realized that no matter how much time and effort we put into selecting the perfect things to put under the tree, we can never guarantee they won't end up in a pile of clutter no one uses. 

Giving experiences, however, is a different story. Even if your experience gift ends up being a dud (you got a flat tire on the way there, the tour guide was crabby, and the whole thing was not at all what you expected,) you still spent time together creating memories. It's always a net positive.

This Christmas will be much different, but in a good way. I know I won't miss waking up exhausted from present-wrapping to hunt down batteries and run tech support for new gadgets, and I don't think the kids will mind having fewer presents under the tree. Instead, we'll have a calendar full of fun things to do together, and none of us can hardly wait.

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56 Practical Tips for Raising Independent Kids

As a parent, what's your end goal? One thing I think about a lot is raising my kids to be independent. 

Of course, I want close relationships with my adult children, but that doesn't mean I want them texting me 20 times a day asking for their social security number or how to cook rice.

It's about more than not wanting to field those phone calls, though. I want my kids to grow up feeling happy, self-assured, and capable. I want them to have confidence in themselves and their own abilities.

The things is, that confidence only comes from experience. Young adults are never going to believe "I can do this" unless they've experienced their own competence many times throughout their lives.

I believe it starts as early as toddlerhood, and opportunities to practice this mindset are literally everywhere. If you want to raise more independent kids, or if you're struggling to picture how it might look in your family, feel free to try some of these ideas from ours:

Toddler and Preschooler

Whenever it's safe, kids under 5 should be given every opportunity possible to do things themselves and therefore begin thinking of themselves as capable people. They can:

• Clean up their own spilled drinks and throw away their own food wrappers
• Put away their shoes and coat in a designated place
• Say 'thank you' for suckers at the bank or ask for a cookie at the bakery instead of you saying it for them
• Tell you when it's safe to cross the street when you're walking together
• Learn to advocate for themselves in disputes with other kids
• Make sandwiches and help with simple food prep
• Pick out their own clothes in the morning and dress themselves
• Clear their places at the table and pick up their own toys
• Do regular household chores (ideas for specific tasks by age here)
• Learn to identify employees in public places and how to ask for help if they get lost

In addition, things your toddler regularly uses (dishes, clothes, toys) should be stored within his reach so he can take them out and put them away himself.

Elementary Schooler

By kindergarten, most kids are ready for a lot more autonomy than we give them credit for. Most elementary-school aged kids can independently: 

• Pack their own lunches (even kindergartners)
• Keep track of their own special dress-up days at school
• Check the weather to determine how they should dress in the morning
• Order for themselves at a restaurant when the server comes to them
• Be in charge of bringing everything they need for sports practices or extracurricular activities (and putting it away afterward!)
• Look up a friend's number and call them instead of having you text/email their friend's parents to arrange playdates
• Do their own homework and ask for help if they get stuck
• Wait at the bus stop alone without an adult
• Handle transactions at the post office or grocery store while you are standing there
• Stay home alone at age 8 and babysit younger siblings at age 10
• Ride bikes around the neighborhood without you
• Learn to cook simple meals
• Learn to sew on a button
• Address and mail envelopes
• Get a screwdriver and change batteries that need replacing
• Do their own laundry (ours do their own by age 8, but they can help younger than this)
• Look at a map and give you directions (even if you already know how to get there)
• Own a watch and learn to follow instructions like "come home at 6" or "be ready to go at 4:30"
• Walk in front of you and navigate public spaces (finding the bathroom at the mall or directing you to your gate at the airport)

It's okay once in a while, but if your kid gets in the habit of calling you for forgotten homework or lunch too often it's perfectly acceptable to say, "That stinks! I really wish I could bring it to you today but I'm afraid I can't." They'll be much better about remembering it after that happens a few times, I promise.

Tweens

The tween years (which I think of as being between the years of 10 and 12) are really exciting ones. It's starting to feel like these little people you made are extremely helpful and capable! At these ages, kids are generally able to:

• Get themselves up in the morning
• Check in at their own dentist and doctor appointments
• Write their events on the family calendar
• Research things on the Internet for you
• Fill out their own back-to-school paperwork and tell you where to sign
• Visit and order from the restaurant of their choice in the mall food court (give them $15 and meet them at a table)
• Independently go anywhere within walking/biking distance
• Bike or walk to the library after school
• Be dropped off at a pizza place or movie theater with friends and no adults
• Ride public transportation alone, after they've learned how to do it with you
• Mail a package, pick up your library holds, or buy a gallon of milk while you wait in the car
• Open a bank account (we go with our kids to open one around age 12)

This is also a fun time for them to consult with you on projects around the house, like redecorating a room or planning a family vacation. Let them take a lead role in researching and budgeting, and you'll find they actually have some pretty good ideas.

Teenagers

By the time kids turn 13 or 14, things get rolling really fast. Your teenager is well over halfway to legal adulthood and it's more important than ever that they're ready to handle those responsibilities by themselves. Teens should be able to:

• Make their own appointments for haircuts
• Register themselves online for sports, pay school activity fees, order a yearbook, etc.
• Email their teachers with questions or issues instead of relying on you to do it
• Look at medicine bottles to find dosage information
• Decide their own bedtimes (although it's perfectly acceptable to set house rules about phone use, etc, after a certain hour)
• Know how to write checks and use a credit card
• Find a recipe, buy the ingredients, and make a meal from start to finish without help
• Pay bills by phone that pertain to them (using your credit card, with your permission)
• Comparison shop for something you need in store or online and buy the better deal
• Apply for a job and manage their own paychecks
• Handle their own banking transactions
• Be in charge of budgeting their own pocket money for non-essential expenses
• Maintain the car they drive and help pay for gas
• Manage their own grades, with parents only checking at midterms and the end of the year
• If going to college, handle most of the application process asking for help when needed

With so much responsibility on their plates, make it clear to your teens that you expect them to recognize when they need help and ask for it. Letting problems snowball because no one was checking up on them is not okay.

If you're not sure your teenager is ready for a new responsibility, let her try it for a little while to see how it goes. You can always scale back if needed, but sometimes she might surprise you!

A Final Word on Independence

I know I've provided you with a checklist of life skills kids can work on mastering by age, but don't get me wrong: real independence is more than just a list of what your kid does and doesn't know how to do.

Whether or not your kids how to clean a bathtub by the time they leave home doesn't matter nearly as much as whether they've learned to think of themselves as capable people. Because capable people can look at the dirty bathtub and say, "I don't know how to do this, but I know I can figure it out."

That, to me, is real independence.

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Motivational Posters for Toddlers

The next time you walk into the office of a high-achieving professional or maybe a school principal, take a look at the walls. 

You're likely to see at least one motivational poster, the kind with an inspiring nature photo on a black background to illustrate a concept like "teamwork" or "success."

But what if you're not a corporate shark? What if you're, say, a toddler?

If toddlers had offices, these are the motivational posters they'd hang in them.

A toddler's motivational poster would encourage problem-solving:

And dressing for success:

And maintaining a curious mind:

Truly successful toddlers know how to play their target demographic:

And aren't afraid to be assertive:

And they know how to seize the moment when it really counts:

With a little determination, toddlers can reach the stars (or at least the scissors on the counter:)

Even if they are sometimes hard to work with:

And they don't always have it together:

But even so, we parents enjoy having our toddlers as co-workers (or is it 'bosses?') just the way they are.

Feel free to email me for high-resolution images of these motivational posters for toddlers: it just occurred to me that they'd make lovely nursery decor to inspire your baby.

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The Menu of a Restaurant Owned and Operated by My 3-Year-old

Welcome to Bizarre Combinations, the only restaurant in the world owned and operated by a 3-year-old.

Prior to opening this establishment, my 3-year-old spent countless hours serving me toy food from the play kitchen in the children's room at the public library.

I'm honored to present to you the menu of Bizarre Combinations, which was prepared using photographs of all the actual dishes he served to me during our most recent library visit.

MENU

Septuple Scoop of Ice Cream and Pot of Coffee

$12.50

Screw moderation and start your day off right with this entire pot of coffee and a 7-decker rainbow ice cream cone. No cup, no nonsense — just two week's worth of caffeine and sugar.

Slice of Pepperoni Pizza and Green Pepper

$15.50

Why put the pepper on the pizza when you can eat it whole as a side dish instead? This crunchy bell pepper nestled in a blue bowl is the perfect accompaniment to buttery deep dish pepperoni pizza.

Purple Teacup Surprise

$7

Muffins are anything but ordinary when served in a whimsically-colored teacup! When you see how perfectly our whole wheat muffins fit inside this dainty cup, you won't be able to resist shouting "Bottoms up!"

Fried Chicken 'n Muffins

$17.50

In this finger-lickin' fusion of baked and fried, everyone's favorite generic brown muffin is back! This powerhouse combination of nondescript muffin and crispy breaded chicken drumstick is served on a colorful repurposed dollhouse rug.

Red Spatula Special

$10

Nothing can beat the earthy aroma of this locally-sourced red plastic spatula being gently percolated to perfection. This decadent treat is gluten-free, calorie-free, and guilt-free. You just might want to order two!

Healthy Vegan Sampler

$17.50

This tasty, 100% animal-friendly sampler features a hand-tossed salad of seedless California grapes and a plain sugar cone, served with a raw potato in a colander. 

Randomly add rice for $1.50.

Seasonal Grilled Platter

$25

Enjoy all the tastes of summer with our own delightful blend of fresh-off-the-grill favorites including ice cream, fresh cinnamon roll, and slightly underripe banana — all expertly char-grilled to produce the boldest flavors of the season.

Corn on the Cob with a Pot O' Tea

$13.50

An ear of juicy, farm-fresh corn on the cob served with piping hot herbal tea.

Teacups available on request.* 

*teacups are all filled with muffins.

Pizza with Ketchup and a Drink

$14.50

There's only one way to improve our classic "everything" pizza: top it with thick, rich tomato ketchup! Your server will then proceed to pour you a glass of juice from the ketchup bottle, but just go along with it like it makes sense.

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16 Tasks With Which I Could Use the Assistance of Friendly Woodland Creatures

I've been thinking lately about Snow White and how she had those woodland animals to help her clean the dwarves' man cave. How exactly does that work? Specifically, how does one get in on that deal? Because I'm interested.

Are there requirements for getting your own woodland helpers, like frequently breaking into song or having a waist the size of your neck?

Do you absolutely have to be a princess, or is it kind of like how colleges prefer 4 years of a foreign language in high school but it's not a hard-and-fast rule?

As you can see, I don't have all the details figured out, but I do have this list of tasks with which I'd like the help of woodland creatures, if that's an available option for people with normal-sized eyes and a realistic amount of volume in their hair.

Help with routine cleaning would of course be appreciated, but what I'm really looking for is someone to lend a hand/paw/hoof/wing with the more unpleasant parts of my job.

Ideally, I seek a woodland creature(s) with expertise in the following areas:

• Meal planning, shopping, and cooking. Be advised, when I ask my family what they want to eat, they either ignore me completely or yell out helpful suggestions such as "Food!"

• Putting my children to bed in a loving, patient manner. If you enjoy reading poorly-written books about talking vehicles, answering an infinite number of questions on how the dinosaurs died, and listening to long stories about video games and/or lists of shark facts, this is definitely the job for you.

• Straining human waste out of the bathtub and occasionally fishing cars, Barbies, and stuffed animals out of the toilet. Familiarity with the plunger is a must.

• Playing Candyland.

• School drop-off and pick-up. Must also be interested shuttling kids to 50 after-school activities and be available for the nine-to-midnight shift of grumpily sitting in the car texting a 14-year-old, "I'm tired. Let's go."

• Everything related to the trash can, including rifling around inside for the $140 retainer my middle-schooler thinks is in there but isn't completely sure.

• Homework help with mathematical concepts that haven't even crossed my mind in 27 years.

• Entertaining young children for 30 minutes with tongue depressors and the Chapstick in my purse when there are no toys in the exam room.

• Listening to excessively loud renditions of "Jingle Bells, Batman Smells" on repeat regardless of the season.

• Arguing about whether an 11-degree day is too cold for shorts.

• Restroom-related functions like wiping butts and taking preschoolers to port-a-potties. (A friend of mine reports having had to literally pull poop out of her constipated sons, which I've never had to do but if it became necessary I'd absolutely like a woodland creature to do that.)

• Matching toddler socks and buckling a 15-million point harness multiple times per day.

• Attempting to reason with a small person who thinks a computer is called a "pooter" and cannot pronounce his own first name.

• Sniffing pairs of floor underwear to assess level of cleanliness. Must act like this is totally normal and not a waste of a bachelor's degree.

• Taking off all the kids' snow gear 8 seconds after putting it on so they can go to the bathroom.

• Fielding snack requests that occur within 2 minutes of the end of a meal. Also, snack requests from people who are currently eating a snack.

As I write this I'm getting increasingly excited about the prospect of getting some outside help with the more challenging parts of my job, and now I have to go figure out where to post this ad. (In the woods, I guess? Maybe I should start singing to attract applicants?)

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Illogical Reasons My Toddler Has Cried for Every Letter of the Alphabet

Dear Toddler,

In lieu of the traditional baby book (which, let's face it, is unlikely to materialize at this point) I've decided to put together something a little simpler.

Please enjoy this A-to-Z list of things that infuriated your toddler self so badly it made the Chernobyl disaster look like a picnic. Not a regular picnic, but a Downtown Abbey picnic with a nice table and chairs and real china that the servants laid out ahead of time.

Hopefully someday, at least one of us will look back on this list and laugh.

Love, Mom

A is for Absolutely Crazy. I love you, but you're legitimately insane. Yesterday I gave you the raisins you asked for, so you flung your bowl across the room like a frisbee and refused to eat them. Then when I threw them away, you went ballistic and tried to eat them out of the trash.

B is for Brown Spots and Banana. I may as well serve a platter of steaming radioactive waste for snack if the only other choice is the banana with the bruise on one side. I know that now. B is also for "Broken Food," which means anything I cut in half that you didn't specifically request me to, or maybe you did but then you changed your mind and what is even the point in living anymore?

C is for the Candle I Wouldn't Let You Eat. Finish the perfectly good banana on your plate and then we'll talk.

D is for Demanding a Diaper to Poop In. A few days post-potty training, you decided being a big boy was stupid and it was way more fun in the olden days when you could defecate anytime and anywhere. Several days of tense negotiations followed.

E is for Every Puzzle Piece Not Fitting Perfectly With Every Other Piece in Any Random Orientation You Choose. Clearly, we have some learning to do about what exactly is a puzzle.

F is for the Fire Truck I Regrettably Pointed Out in the Car. I will never again say "Look! A fire truck!" unless I'm fully prepared to listen to you shrieking that you missed it for the next 20 miles while desperately scanning the road for either another fire truck or a billboard advertising affordably-priced exorcisms.

G is for Gravity. You are almost as good at building ridiculously precarious block towers as you are at hurling them across the room like a sociopath when they fall down.

Hug is for the Hug I Gave Your Dad. With the speed of a chaperone in a Jane Austen novel, you dove in and quickly made it clear that there would be no shenanigans going on here, not while you were in charge. Which is ironic, considering that's how you got here in the first place.

I is for I Went to the Bathroom. Or anywhere you weren't invited.

J is for me asking you to stop Jumping on My Pancreas. Just because a person does a few crunches on the floor doesn't mean they're your own personal bouncy castle, you know.

K is for Karma. I'm sorry I laughed when you gave the door a roundhouse kick in a fit of fury and it swung back and knocked you over on your rear end. In my defense, it was kind of hilarious.

L is for Looking at the Picture You Were Coloring. I get that some artists are really sensitive about showing their work to anyone before it's completed; I also get that you are obviously one of them.

M is for the Magic Wand I Wouldn't Let You Keep Hitting Me With when I was unloading the dryer. You cried way harder than seemed necessary when I took it away, seeing as I'm the one with the star-shaped welts on my buttcheek.

N is for Naptime. Tantrums at the beginning of naptime. At the end of naptime. At the mere mention of naptime or the existence of naps in general.

O is for Other Laws of Physics. I've rarely seen you so mad as when you're trying to stick two of your trains together but the magnets keep repelling each other. (Until I offer to help. Then you're madder.)

P is for Pants, which you react to as if they're lined with fire ants.

Q is for the Quarter I took out of your mouth. The brown banana would be a better choice for an afternoon snack than this nickel-plated Norovirus buffet you found in the mall parking lot, but I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree.

R is for this Random Piece of Plastic. You're utterly hysterical right now, and it's either because I took it away or because Viking warriors just razed your entire village to the ground. Hard to say which.

S is for Shadow. It silently follows you around no matter what you do, and you know what? That actually is a little creepy. I'm with you on this one.

T is for the Toilet Bowl Brush I have to pry out of your chubby hands every time I leave the bathroom door unlocked. WHY IS THIS YOUR FAVORITE TOY??

U is for preventing you from Unwrapping Every Single Tampon in the box. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to want anything as badly as you wanted to waste $6.99 worth of Tampax for no good reason.

V is for the time I tried to sneak Vegetables into your macaroni and cheese. I crossed a line by not respecting your reverse-Atkins diet, and I'm sorry.

W is for getting the Wrong-Colored Cup. How do you decide which colors you love and hate each day? Maybe it's random. Maybe you're consulting secret astrological charts tucked under your crib mattress. All I know is, every time I open the cupboard I feel like I'm playing a toddler version of Russian roulette.

X is for your X-istential Crisis over a bowl of yogurt this morning. I still have no idea what was going on.

Y is for Yelling when I caught you digging in the garbage can. Again, is it just me who's having a hard time seeing what can possibly be so disgusting about a brown spot on a banana if you're literally upset that I won't let you eat compost?

Z is for Zero Mini Muffins left. There was denial. There was anger. There was bargaining and depression. Then anger again. And finally acceptance. Which was followed by more anger. Basically, you were just really mad that someone (you) had eaten the last muffin. I guess life is hard when you're two.

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