I Guess Moms Actually Do Use Everything They Learned in School

Do you ever find yourself on hands and knees with a bottle of carpet cleaner telling a stubborn pee stain, "I have a college education, you know!"

Sometimes you can't help but wonder if it was all a waste. One of my favorite bloggers Six Pack Mom probably says it best: "For sale: Master's Degree in English Education, like new. Barely used."

But you know, the more I think about it, the more I realize: I use the things I learned in school all the time as a mom. For example...

Mathematics: Checking the clock every 5 minutes, saying "If I go to sleep right now, I can still get ___ hours before I have to get up."

Literature: Reading picture books in half the time without sacrificing the basic plot points of the story.

Physical Education: Carrying a baby, a giant beach bag, buckets and shovels, a cooler full of snacks, towels, sunscreen, and floaties to the beach from the car. On the way back, add to that the 56 rocks your preschooler found in the water and can't bear to part with.

Health: Weighing the mental health benefits vs. the physical health drawbacks of hiding in the bathroom with a sleeve of Oreos at 10 AM.

Psychology: Tricking your preschooler into thinking it was actually her idea to put on her pajamas.

Handwriting: Signing the mountain of paperwork your kids bring home on the first day of school. Don't get me started on the PTA checks.

Art Appreciation: Finding something meaningful to say about the latest toilet paper tube craft your 1st grader brings home from school.

Geography: Memorizing the location of every public restroom in every store you've ever visited or may someday visit with your child.

Sociology: Studying your kids trying to figure out why in the world they act the way they do.

Typing: Scouring the Internet with variations of the search query: "weird bumpy rash raised no fever."

Debate: Arguing with a 3-year-old over whether or not birds have legs. (Inexplicably, you lose, even after pulling up a dozen Google images of birds standing on what are clearly legs.)

World History: Regaling the kids with stories about how when you were their age, you couldn't use the Internet and make a phone call at the same time.

Creative Writing: Making it sound like you have your crap together in your annual Christmas letter.

Civics: Constantly explaining that in this house, we pick up after ourselves, take responsibility for our actions, and don't run after our sisters slapping them with a sticky hand we got in a party favor bag.

Earth Science: Raising kids who spend a lot of time outdoors testing the chemical properties of soil. With their tongues.

Statistics: Sizing up a room or situation and knowing immediately how probable it is that your child is going to hurt himself.

Economics: Analyzing whether the financial gains justify digging through the trash to find your kid's lost retainer. Again.

Geometry: Just kidding, you'll never use this. Only when you help your kids with their geometry homework, which they in turn will use only for their kids' homework someday. It's called the Circle of Life.

So you see, my college diploma and 16+ years of schooling was anything but a waste. Now if you'll excuse me, the kids' toilet isn't going to unclog itself.

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