Wednesday, April 26, 2017

A Mom's Guide to Reading a Novel*

*based on a true story.

Sometimes I see moms in the blogosphere posting monthly reading lists with reviews of the stacks of books they've read in the last 30 days. Usually it's a greater number of books than I've read in the last 30 years.

This 15-step guide might not help busy moms like us to read more, but it certainly will make us look like we do.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
If you have time to read in a meadow, this post is not for you.

If you, like me, have trouble getting your act together and reading a book these days, then this 15-step mom's guide to reading a novel will help.

Not to read more, but to at least appear that you do.

Step 1: Hear buzz about a hot new book. You have no idea what "sus" means and you still wear bootcut jeans, so this might take a while. But eventually popular culture will trickle down to you. Just be patient.

Step 2: Reserve it at the library. The public library is fuh-ree and the plus side of being at least a year behind on all things trendy means there's no longer even much of a wait to get it!

Step 3: Forget to pick it up. By the time you make it to the library, though, the hold has already expired and the book has been sent back. Repeat steps 2 and 3 one to two more times before actually picking up the book.

Step 4: Read the back cover. You get home and start to read immediately, but you don't get past the jacket before someone hits their mouth on the coffee table and starts bleeding.

Step 5: Relocate the book to your nightstand. Where you are totally going to read it without falling asleep. Absolutely.

Step 6: Realize it's been a few weeks and you have no idea where the book is. You've been making slow progress and probably gotten about 50 pages in. If you only knew where it was right now...

Step 7: Keep renewing online at the library, hoping it will turn up. It's got to be somewhere.

Step 8: Find it wedged under the couch while looking for a missing shoe. Figure that when one door closes, another door opens. You do not find the shoe; send your child to school in socks and sandals instead.

Step 9: Carry the book around for 2 weeks. You briefly consider giving up, but decide that 50 pages is too much of an investment. Take it to various appointments in case you have time to kill. When people see the book and ask how you like it, tell them you just can't put it down. Which is technically true since you're carrying it around all the time.

Step 10: Crack the book open while waiting in the school pick-up line. Realize that your bookmark is gone.

Step 11: Flip through the pages looking for familiar words or phrases. Twelve minutes later, school is dismissed and the pick-up line starts moving. You never did find anything you remembered reading from before.

Step 12: Replace the book on your nightstand. Feel guilty about not reading it, but too depressed to start over on page 1.

Step 13: Give up. Suddenly feel the need to purge all excess clutter from your life, including the book that's been sitting on your nightstand for almost a month. Hold it over your head and yell "I'm returning this!!" to no one in particular.

Step 14: Pay overdue fines equaling the approximate cost of the book. Meh. The library isn't so free, after all.

Step 15: Vow never to do this again. And you don't, not for another 3 months when you start hearing about a different great new book you'd like to read. Repeat cycle; move on to Step 2.

If you follow my system you may not get a lot of reading done, but at least you'll always have a book on your nightstand. And that's almost the same thing.

This 15-step guide might not help busy moms like us to read more, but it certainly will make us look like we do.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

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Chaun said...

Ha! This is hilarious. I also have a incurable condition that when I start a book, I really, really cannot stop. All living things in my general vicinity are neglected for the next 24 hours. (The faster I read, the more I can stay ahead of the family-neglecting-guilt that's one step behind me ;)

Jenny Evans said...

That's happened to me before, but I'm usually following the 15-step program above. The people at the library think I'm a nutcase.

The Lady Okie said...

Sometimes I am sure the threat of a $.25 library fine is my only motivation to actually read. I go in waves where I read like 5 books in a month and then I don't read anything for 3 months...

PurpleSlob said...

I love to read, but.... life.
This 15 step program looks like me too often!

Lyndsay said...

This is ridiculously accurate! 😂