Monday, February 9, 2015

The Day I Realized I'll Never Wear Skinny Jeans

The Day I Realized I'll Never Wear Skinny Jeans -- one woman's ill-fated expedition to the mall to buy a pair of pants  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
photo credit

It all started when I needed to buy a new pair of pants.

Usually I avoid going into stores as much as possible because (a) I always have a troop of howler monkeys children with me, and (b) I don't like shopping, anyway.

But I'm sorely in need of some new pants. I really am. The oldest pair I own dates back to right around the turn of the century. You don't want to know what's in my closet. You just don't.

So I sucked it up, grabbed the baby and the preschooler, and went to the mall in search of a pair.

I knew skinny jeans were a thing now, but as I wandered through a department store it slowly began to dawn on me that I wasn't going to have any other choice. Rows of them stretched as far as the eye could see. There were leggings, jeggings, and every other kind of -eggings for days  and nothing else.

Apparently clothing manufacturers jumped off the bootcut jeans train years ago without telling me.

I stopped in front of a display of teeny garments that looked like pairs of my 3-year-old's tights on hangers. A placard on the front read 'Skinny Jeans,' although when I looked from the jeans I was wearing to the "jeans" on the rack, I was unable to find very much resemblance between the two.

Well, I thought, No harm in trying them on. Who knows, maybe I'll like them.


I was going to join the 21st century by purchasing my first pair of on-trend skinny jeans.

That thought lasted about as long as it took to grab a few pairs, squeeze into a changing room with my children, and pull the first pair up to my thighs. 

Good gravy, what kind of masochistic torture device was this thing masquerading as pants? It was like Chinese foot binding for the entire lower half of my body! I never knew that calves needed to breathe before, but my calves couldn't breathe. My calves were suffocating. Who knew your calves could suffocate?

They hadn't even been pulled up all the way up to my waist, and I couldn't get them off fast enough.

What I mean to say is, I literally could not get them off. I was vacuum packed into a pair of jeggings. This was not good.

After several minutes of shimmying, pulling at the waist, tugging at the ankles, and more shimmying, I finally extricated myself from the pants and threw them to the floor.

"You don't like those ones?" My 3-year-old asked.

I'm nothing if not persistent, so I told her to pick another pair from the stack and I'd try them on. This time I pulled them all the way up and even zipped them. It was uncomfortable, but not as much of a shock as last time.

Okay. So I felt a little like I'd put on a boa constrictor instead of a pair of pants, and I was pretty sure if I dared to sit down I'd explode out of them like Ursula from The Little Mermaid, but I'd done it. I'd gotten them on.

"You like those ones?" My 3-year-old asked.

I shrugged at her, then took one look at myself in the full-length mirror and burst out laughing.

All I could see was this:




Or this:

The Day I Realized I'll Never Wear Skinny Jeans  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
photo credit

Or this:
The Day I Realized I'll Never Wear Skinny Jeans  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
photo credit


Or this:

The Day I Realized I'll Never Wear Skinny Jeans  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
photo credit

And this:

The Day I Realized I'll Never Wear Skinny Jeans  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
photo credit


There was no way I could take myself seriously in these things, ever.

That's when I knew: I'll never wear skinny jeans. Resigned to my fate, I peeled them off, gathered up the kids, and headed for home to patch a few of my old pairs of pants.

After all, I've got to make these things last until bootcut makes a comeback.

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Unremarkable Files

51 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Share buttons are on the lefthand side, feel free to Pin, Tweet, and FB away. Glad you enjoyed it.

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  2. Ha ha ha. I actually just purchased my first pair of skinny jeans (maternity!) and actually liked them. I felt like I finally after about ten years night something that was "in style" ha! They are actually not too tight and they are the best fitting maternity pants I've ever owned. Skinny jeans though - they are pretty funny.

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    1. hahah isn't that an oxymoron? .... maternity skinny jeans????

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  3. Ha! I'm totally with you on the skinny jeans bit. I refuse to try any on, on purpose. I don't like the way they look on hangars and I most certainly don't like the idea of my calves being constricted so much so that my legs don't look like they are from the same person!

    I've tried on a pair on accident and wouldn't pull them all the way up, because my calves weren't happy with the idea of being strangled. I even tried some workout pants on in that style before (aanother accident) and immediately took them off because they just looked odd. Nothing about skinny jeans flatters me. :)

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    1. I tried to like it, I really did. I just think they make me look like I'm in long underwear, a sight which wouldn't really be fair to anyone with eyes.

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  4. Oh my gosh!!! I SO know what you mean. I always have the kids with me too, so shopping isn't always the fun outing that it used to be, where I could take my time finding just the right outfit. And my closet sounds like it looks a lot like yours (don't worry, we just won't discuss it). I seriously haven't been shopping for myself in a really long time. I'm proud of you for at least making the effort, because that's one step ahead of me!

    Thanks for joining us at the Wonderful Wednesday blog hop last week. I'm following you back on Pinterest, and I'm also following you via bloglovin! =0) Great to "meet" you, and hope you had a happy Monday!

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  5. This is funny! I do have a couple pairs of skinny jeans, but they are strictly for going out in public on special occasions. I would never choose them to wear around the house and most mom errands don't qualify either. They're just too uncomfortable! :)

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    1. Well, that makes me feel better? I'm picturing everyone else in the world just lounging around comfortably in their skinny jeans at home, and wondering "Am I just a total wimp, or what?"

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  6. Ah see now I wouldn't be without skinny jeans anymore.....I also live in a hot climate so the need for jeans is for about 3 days a year!!!

    Have you tried to look for "boyfriend" jeans or am I about 5 years behind fashion?! (guess when I last went out buying clothes!!)

    Laura @ Life with Baby Kicks

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  7. Mm. It took me a loooong time to succumb to the skinny jean thing and I still maintain that you have to have the right footwear with them (either calf/knee high boots, pumps or heeled shoes for special occasions (no socks) - defininitely no trainers, plimsolls or ankle boots!). It's a minefield. And no, they never feel like they fit right. Thanks for linking up to #thetruthabout again Jenny :-)

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    1. I have no idea what plimsolls are but I'm going to chalk that up to American English vs. British English and not to my lack of fashion awareness.

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    2. I guess this: http://www.superdry.com/womens/trainers/details/34934/basic-plimsoll is what I would call the absolute classic black plimsoll - essentially this was what we were forced to wear for gym classes at junior school (elementary). I'm actually quite liking this as a bit of summer footwear now I look at them again - great with a pair of cut offs I reckon :-)

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  8. Haha! I just bought some bootcut jeans (on the web as I am not brave like you), and I can't believe I used to only wear bootcut. You need some straightcut jeans. They will rock your world! ;)

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  9. Haha..this was hilarious! I don't think I will ever wear skinny jeans either so don't feel too bad. I absolutely love shopping, but I don't do it as often as I used to. I went not too long ago and was completely overwhelmed with the names of all the pants. I felt so old. Visiting from #TurnitupTuesday

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    1. I never go clothes shopping, so when I do I feel like I'm navigating an alien landscape with all the styles that have gotten popular. The last time I went, I remember seeing a stack of folded garments on a table - I didn't examine them too closely but just by looking I wasn't able to tell even which CATEGORY of clothing they were. Were they a funny skirt? A shirt? One of those tops with the huge arms that make people look like flying squirrels? I honestly had no idea. I felt very old that day.

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  10. OK you have to take yourself along to a shop called Maurices.... They cater to us mom's!!!!!! They have the most fabulous clothing at a reasonable price, seriously and their skinny jean is SO COMFORTABLE!!!!!! Please go there without the kids and try on some of their clothing. If you don't like their skinny jean they have the BOOT CUT TOO!!!!!!!! Good luck mate!!!!!

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    1. I'll check it out next time I'm up to clothes shopping again. It usually takes me 6-8 months to recover from the last time.

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  11. Ha ha I do love mine but I never try things on, just get them delivered to home. There is a very undignified skinny jean wiggle and lunge that really I couldn't do outside of the home!!!

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  12. hahaha!! This is hilarious! My work mate refuses to wear them too! hehe. I quite like them but it's been years now so used to them xx

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  13. Oh how funny!! The images this has conveyed. Fab post xx #sharewithme

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  14. The Mothers say - You've had us giggling into our cuppas with this post. Fabulous.....
    Lucas says - If the Mother can get away with wearing them, then I am sure you can.............. he he
    #sharewithme

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  15. This cracked me up! I wear skinny jeans all the time now but it was quite a mental (and physical!!) jump, I agree. And the calf thing - yes! Try wearing Uggs for five months of winter - when you finally peel them off your calves are shrivelled desiccated things hanging off the bottom of your legs. #sharewithme

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  16. PS, are you on Twitter? I can't see where to follow you? If you are, follow me on @wrymummy and I'll follow back. x

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    1. Not yet. Unless you know me personally, it's hard to understand my level of technophobia. I prefer to think of myself as "an old soul." The fact that the blog is on FB is huge (I don't even have a personal page!) Twitter is next. I think.

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    2. You'll never believe it (well, maybe you will but it's a pretty unlikely event to say the least) but I'm now on Twitter. Just call me @thatevanslady

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  17. Brilliant ! I long for the day when I can get in a pair #sharewithme

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  18. Oh I agree, I want boot cut to come back. I had to buy my first skinny pair a few weeks ago, though I opted for lycra. It's not good, though I suspect I may be the problem as much as the trousers! #sharewithme

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  19. I'm pleased it's not just me! I always hold them up in store and think "Yes, they look about right" and when I try to pull them up I think "Dear God, how big AM I? x

    #sharewithme

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  20. Haha, so funny. I said for years you would never get me in a pair of skinny jeans but I am a bit of a convert now! x

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  21. Skinny jeans are for teenagers and the childless as far as I'm concerned! I have jeggings that look like jeans but not actually jeans...much more sensible and flattering :-)

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  22. It's not very often I snort out loud while reading my share with me posts. Thank you for making my whole night worth reading for sure. I love this and while I live in skinny jeans I am like you I like a bootcut but you can't find them anymore and the jeans that say they are jeans don't feel like jean material anymore. Where has the true denim gone??? Lovely post. Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

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  23. Haha, this really made me laugh, especially what your child said when you tried the first pair on :) I love skinny jeans but I really think you have to find the right pair. I have worn the same type from Topshop for years as I think they are flattering and not too tight, but others I can't get past my thighs! xx #sharewithme

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  24. I've got big calves, so no chance for me and skinny jeans. Even so bootcuts are skinny nowadays. I buy mine in Sainsbury's or M&S! Basic jeans and cheap, plus lots of variety.

    Glad I'm not the only one to struggle with skinnies #sharewithme

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  25. I actually like my skinny jeans - I never in a million years I thought I would be 'in-trend' didn't even know what the trends were haha I just saw them and bought them and actually liked them - although I don't wear them a lot of the time. My favourites are my boyfriend style jeans which aren't quite bootcut but they are the same width all the way down and a little baggy, perfect for me :D

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  26. Oh how I laughed at this. It was the image of your 3-year old innocently asking you 'do you like these ones?'. (I could imagine my 3-year old doing the same thing.)

    Ok, maybe try this again without the kids. There's nothing more stressful (and sweat-inducing) than trying on anything with the kids present. Or, just order some for home delivery, and try them on in the (relative) peace, comfort and quiet(ish) of your home, with some clothes and footwear that would be complimentary to the garment.

    Or just wear dresses. Dresses are good... (o: x

    #TheTruthAbout

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    1. There's nothing like hopping across a tiny changing room with pants around your ankles trying to stop the baby from launching himself out of the shopping cart, is there?

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  27. Such a funny post! And your pictures made me giggle!
    I have to say though I adore my skinny jeans...maybe you need to find the right pair? Maybe?!!!
    Good luck on your quest and apparently flares are back in if that takes your fancy!! x
    #sharewithme

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    1. Wider legs will come back in vogue just as I give in and start to embrace the skinny jean, I'm sure.

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  28. I have tried, tried, tried skinny jeans and they just don't do it for me. Although one time I did buy a pair which were called skinny jeans but I don't think they were.

    Anyway, thanks for the giggles. You had me nodding in agreement.

    Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.

    Wishing you a lovely evening.
    xoxo

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  29. The best pair of jeans I ever had came from Andorra (not a department store but the country) and I have never found anything like them since, despite my efforts. I applaud your efforts to try the skinny jeans just to say you "tried." I seriously doubt thousands of women of five children or more are plowing their way through the day in their house or flat, vacuuming, cleaning, bending over to pick up toys, etc. Wear what you like, what makes you feel comfortable. I heard some town wants to outlaw yoga pants. Yikes!!! Now I would be in big trouble:)

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  30. I have a lot of junk in my trunk. Skinny jeans cry in pain when I put them on. They just aren't for me.

    Loved the post!

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  31. HAHA! I commiserate with you. I can't get them over my thighs either. For my birthday, my FIL offered to buy some clothes for me (which I was in similar desperate need of - only my wardrobe was/is mostly yoga pants). After much disappointment, I found someone who was helpful in Dillards, a place I don't usually shop, because, again like you, I don't like to shop (we would totally get along in real life). I finally found jeans that are comfortable for me and go over my thighs. Though I am hoping to replace them with new jeans in a smaller size by my next birthday, these are a complete confidence booster.

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    1. I've been told by a reputable source (okay, some random blog but maybe they know more about fashion than I do) that skinny jeans have peaked and are on their way out, so here's hoping I can find some pants someday soon!

      And yes, I would most likely hang out with you in real life because you wouldn't ask me to go shopping with you.

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  32. Bootcut jeans are the new "mom jeans!" And oh-so comfortable mom jeans.

    http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2009/08/new-mom-jean.html

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    1. Guess I wear mom jeans, then. So be it.

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  33. I share this information quite a bit so I thought it would be helpful to me as well to have some of the best pins in one post.

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  34. I so miss bootcut. I do wear skinnies just because there is nothing else. And my sister in law gave me her old boot cut but I haven't gotten around to hemming them. They are about 6 inches too long. Short people problems for sure.

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  35. Oh my, Jenny! I was laughing so hard!!
    Fat girls like me don't even go into stores that have skinny jeans!!
    Mom jeans rock!!

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  36. I love your boots with the flares! Cool outfit!
    bootcut jeans

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