Wednesday, July 17, 2019

My Acceptance Speech for World's Meanest Mom

This is an amazing moment for me.

Out of all the mothers that populate this vast planet, you've chosen me - ME! - to carry the title of World's Meanest Mom.

I'm overwhelmed at this recognition of my life's work. There are hardly words to express the gratitude I feel for the many people who made it possible for me to receive this honor.

First and foremost, I'd like to thank my children for their unwavering support. 

Every time I made them carry their own belongings, every time I said no shorts in the winter, every time I refused to buy them plastic garbage at the checkout: they let me know loud and clear I'd won their vote.

I'm thankful for my predecessors, Mom and Dad. 

Not only would I literally not be here without them [pause for audience laughter,] I owe much of my success to the one-liners they taught me like "because I said so," "you'll understand when you're older," and "there's a Mother's Day and Father's Day but no Kids' Day because every day is Kids' Day."

I'd also like to thank the parents of my children's friends for buying them cooler stuff than my kids have and letting them do whatever they want.

I wouldn't have even been nominated for this award had my children not been able to compare their sad lives to that of Trevor who doesn't do chores and gets to stay up until 11 every night watching cartoons on his iPhone.

Last but not least, my undying gratitude goes to my husband.

When I require the kids to eat a bite of something green or orange, he backs me up. When I say no to the seductive song of the ice cream truck, he does, too.

Without him the kids' demands would wear me down like the steady drip, drip, drip of Chinese water torture, but he enables me to be the meanest mom I can be.

At this point, I must stop and confess that I feel somewhat inadequate to receive this great honor.

After all, what have I done to be World's Meanest Mom besides trying to get my kids eat something other than bread and use soap when they shower?

And yet, I think it's the continued striving for greatness that counts.

I believe it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said, "Do one thing every day that scares you," and I can't think of anything that fits that description better than my experience with motherhood.

On behalf of mean moms everywhere, I accept this award and promise to do everything in my power to live up to the title of "World's Meanest Mom."

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Diana Dye said...

What about your fellow nominees? I was in the running when I created the "only one ice cream sandwich a day" rule just yesterday.

PurpleSlob said...

You deserve this high honor Jenny!! Congratulations!

Jenny Evans said...

Diana: I didn't let the kids have popsicles for breakfast (not *with* breakfast, *for* breakfast) which actually prompted this entire post!