7 Quick Takes about Miniature Bond Villains, the Appropriate Lighting for Cookie-Eating, and Alternative Pizza Toppings that Are Just Wrong

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

So this is one of the funniest sights you can walk into a room and see.

His head barely clears the back of the chair.

The 1-year-old recently found out he enjoys working at the computer, even when it's not turned on, so he crawls up there a lot and does his thing when he's got some free time. 

He looks like a movie villian who has just finished inputting the launch codes into the computer, and any second now he's going to swivel around and say something sinister.

We're still working on two-word sentences, though, so it might be a while.

—2—

After visiting no less than four orthodontists for consultations, I think we finally found one we like.

She seems thorough and competent, takes her time and explains everything to us, and her organizational system for toys in the waiting room seems to match my general philosophy at home:

Put a label that says "things" on that box and you're good to go!

I think I'm going to like this one.

—3—

For my annual Christmas cookie plates to the neighbors, I decided to try a new recipe. And this is why I hate trying new recipes to give to people:

Pecan pie cookies that are not even remotely cute like the picture on the recipe.

My son told me that "they look like volcanoes barfing." I won't repeat what he said it looked like they were barfing up.

But after I cut off the worst-looking parts and made them part of the overall cookie plate, I don't think it was so bad.

In any case, I taste tested each kind and they were delicious. So worst case scenario, you just eat them in the dark. I'll be sure to make a note of that on the tag for next year.

—4—

How was Christmas Day in your house? Ours started off a little rough.

We woke up to a broken thermostat and the house was 65 degrees. We found three presents buried in the snow next to our mailbox we thought we'd lost. My son got a cool battery-operated car that he immediately drove into a bowl of cereal on the coffee table and spilled all over the living room rug.

But in spite of all that, it was a really nice day.

We started out by reading about the first Christmas in Luke 2 (and the kids were really good considering they'd already been corralled in an upstairs bedroom for 20 minutes while Phillip fixed the thermostat.)

We opened presents with snow falling down in big, fat flakes. After we finished, the kids went outside to sled in the 6" of fresh snow in the yard.

We Skyped with their grandparents and that evening we watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas while eating frozen stir-fry for dinner because we didn't put the fancy ham in the oven early enough.

And I actually couldn't have asked for a more perfect Christmas day.

—5—

One nice thing about having lots of kids is that you don't really need to buy anything for the younger ones: you've already got it.

This Christmas, we bought no new presents for the 1-year-old and only one for the 3-year-old. We had plenty of toys in the attic they'd never seen before and they loved unwrapping and playing with them.

I wrote last week about how our toddler somehow got attached to one specific stuffed animal, which makes me scream inside because I dread the day when we lose it or it gets thrown up on and is in the washing machine when we need it. Well, it was a Christmas miracle, but we successfully got him to accept a stuffed fox from Santa.

Its name is "Fock," which is apparently toddler-speak for "Fox." Maybe we should have given it a name that doesn't sound like something that would get a kid sent to the principal's office, but we didn't think of that and it is what it is.

We're just happy we can stop hyperventilating about the possibility of losing Tiger and the 1-year-old being so distraught he never sleeps again.

—6—

You know what's a really awful time to lose a tooth? Christmas Eve.

My 6-year-old was so excited when her baby tooth fell out and my very first thought was, "Great, I can't even remember to be the Tooth Fairy on a regular night. I give us a 0% chance of remembering to sneak money under her pillow after we're done wrapping all 24,572 presents."

I was totally right, and we didn't remember.

In the morning we tried to explain thow Santa needed help from both the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy to get everything ready in time, but my daughter being the no-nonsense kind of girl who would never believe in such a silly thing as the Tooth Fairy to begin with, just rolled her eyes and asked if she could get it out of my wallet.

True story.

—7—

For Christmas my kids got this little singing Leap Frog oven set, which is pretty cute but I have some serious questions.

One song is about bread, and how if there's not enough you should "put an egg on it! (yeah, yeah) put an egg on it! (yeah, yeah!) If you like eggs and bread, put an egg on it!"

That's cool, lots of people like eggs and toast.

Then I heard it singing the same song but with pizza. PIZZA. Who puts eggs on their pizza? I thought it was odd but figured there's probably some weirdo out there who tops his pizza with hard boiled eggs (the CEO of Leap Frog, maybe) and who am I to judge?

But I can only suspend disbelief for so long. The last song is about cupcakes.

I'm not kidding, it distinctly sings "Put an egg on it! If you like eggs and cupcakes, put an egg on it!" What is this thing teaching my kids?? Eggs on cupcakes? That's the most disturbing thing I've ever heard! What does that even mean?

At first I thought we'd received a model that was defective or maybe possessed, but several of the Amazon reviewers were just as confused as I was and I even found this video of a British oven spouting the same nonsense to unsuspecting children in the UK. What is going on??

Also, now when my kids play restaurant I'm being served pizza with a fried egg on top. Excuse me while I throw up.

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2017 in 12 Photos

Something I like to do every December is review our year and see what we've accomplished in the last 12 months.

Well, I basically have to do that because I can't even remember last week so our Christmas cards for our friends and family would be pretty boring if I didn't. Good thing for this blog; it saves the day again.

So let's take a look at what the Evans family has been up to this year... this should be interesting.

In January, I opened a bank account for my baby (okay, she was 12 but still.) I got a sinus infection and finally convinced Phillip to get rid of his college textbooks, except for the one that holds down the lid of the humidifier. I staged a gigantic photo shoot fail involving my baby and a CVS clearance Santa hat, and also tried to burn the house down making applesauce.

Besides making these helpful Valentines for pregnant women, I was busy in February decluttering the house in one manic episode. I learned how to use the snowblower, got really paranoid when I started to suspect my phone was legit spying on me, and cried when the baby scratched my cornea. Fun times.

We replaced the printer that had been driving us crazy and asked you guys to vote on how we should dispose of  it. We were thrilled when you chose the sledgehammer and even made a video of the execution. It was seriously therapeutic. My son competed in the Pinewood Derby, an event which is apparently very hard to explain to kids who haven't seen one before. We also had a late season snowstorm that caused a dire emergency when the power went out with a cake in the oven.

One of my favorite things we got to do in April was visit a mosque for an open house; we even got to witness one of their daily prayers and it was pretty awesome. The weather turned nice and I had my annual freakout over how the house exterior and our lawn have gone to pot. (Don't worry, I'm over it.) My daughter folded 1,000 origami cranes for a charity organization, and I had fun writing about why moms can never finish a book and making a flow chart for toddlers called "Should I Eat This?"

In May I discovered I'd been driving around with a parking pass from 2015 prominently displayed on the windshield, once again proving I don't have things together in the slightest. I potty trained the preschooler and witnessed the miracle that is a child healing themselves on the way to see the pediatrician. The highlight of my month and possibly the entire year was receiving this Bona spray mop for my birthday.

In June we flew to visit my parents in Minnesota. We went mini golfing and to Ikea, but mostly we had a great time swimming in the lake and going to the waterpark for 2 weeks. Basically, my kids are amphibious now. The 5-hour delay at the airport on the way back wasn't quite as fun, but we made it home eventually. I penned my thoughts on siblings getting along and we figured out that the baby was allergic to mosquito bites, of all things. Phillip and I celebrated our 14th anniversary and I wrote about the thing he does that makes it so easy to be married to him.

In July we had our piano tuned and found out it's actually 111 years old! We also started our educational summer vacation, where we learn about the cultures of different countries around the world every week of summer break from school. We don't want the kids' brains to completely atrophy, after all.

In August I took the little kids out for ice cream while Phillip to the big kids to Six Flags in the pouring rain. I thought it was a good trade-off, because the ice cream was indoors. We insulated the attic and I'm still swooning over the coat rack we installed for all our kid-sized snowpants and coat hand-me-downs-in-waiting. We followed that up with a disastrous camping trip and this time, I'm not even exaggerating.

September is the blog's 3rd birthday and when the kids say they want to bake a cake, you bake a cake. We harvested the world's lamest crop of potatoes, my 11-year-old lost a tooth and I freaked out because I thought it was an adult tooth, and I dug through the trash to find something one of my kids accidentally threw out. (We later found it in an entirely different location, so I'm deducting pain and suffering from her allowance indefinitely.) It was also fun to relive 1998 when I discovered Nintento Classic consoles at our public library.

My son was a banana for Halloween, and my advice to you if you're feeling depressed is to order a banana costume on Amazon and have someone wear it around the house. There's no other way $12.99 can cheer you up so fast. In October I found an inchworm in my hair, finally bought some pants that fit me, and the 1-year-old learned he can reach anything if he carries the bathroom stool around the house. I lived phone-less for a week and discovered that Target is really weird. On the blog, I published some musings on my unbreakable bad habit and you guys loved this video chock-full of sarcastic answers for the next person who asks "Why do you have so many kids?"

When you're afraid of heights, our living room isn't an ideal place for your 9-year-old to break a hole in the ceiling with a bouncy ball. We learned that this November, and least we know now for next time. I made a triple chocolate layer cake from scratch for Phillip's birthday, and it was confirmed to me once again that I hate fancy baking. Phillip took the kids to a hotel overnight and I had almost 24 hours to do whatever I wanted and only share my food with me, myself, and I.

I may not be even remotely competent at using festive holiday Jello molds, but this December I've really seen how lucky and blessed we are. My 1-year-old is healthy after sitting in the E.R. all afternoon with a nebulizer on his face, and the kids drew names for their Secret Sibling and it's been sweet to see them sneakily doing nice things all month for the person they drew. Also, I think I win the prize for funniest place someone has ever counted our 6 kids and asked, "Are they all yours?"


And that's practically a wrap on 2017. (If you want to boost your stalker status, you can also read our photo updates from 2016 and 2015!)

Happy New Year!

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7 Quick Takes about Reading Material, Friendly Apparitions Caught on Film, and Little White Tigers that Are Harbingers of Doom

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

For years, my 11-year-old has been writing a story called Seasons. I'd describe it as an epic tale on the scale of J.R.R. Tolkien, and it's about four sisters who are winter, spring, summer, and fall personified in a battle for the earth.

Heavy stuff for a 6th grader.

Anyway, she's been at this for so long it's become commonplace household conversation. And then I discovered that my 6-year-old writing Seasons stories of her own using the characters her sister created:

"The bad army was coming..." it begins. This is going to be a real nail-biter.

My kids are literally writing fan fiction for each other. I always joke about how lucky they are to have such a large and devoted fan club... but I guess it's not really a joke anymore.

—2—

Every time I walk by an in-store makeup display, it's usually been defaced by the makeup samples to look something like this:

I prefer the classic blacked-out-tooth-and-eyepatch look, but this works, too.

I wonder if the models know? I mean, they went to so much trouble to look nice for the shoot, just to end up like this. Does it bother them?

These are the kinds of deep meditations I have when I go to CVS on a Tuesday.

—3—

I was doing what every parent does at about 9 PM every night and deleting 147 blurry toddler selfies off my phone, when I saw something.

At first glance it looked like a black screen and I almost deleted it, but then I looked a little closer and noticed it was actually more interesting.

This ghost is waving at me, you guys. My kids are artists.

—4—

I try hard to keep the little kids away from their big siblings' homework, but sometimes things happen.

Luckily, my kids report that the teachers usually think it's kind of cute when they bring in papers that have been scribbled on or otherwise desecrated by the toddler (as long as it doesn't happen too often.)

And there's always the popular excuse "My brother ate my homework."

Someone in our house has a healthy appetite for learning.

—5—

We had a disastrous trip to the dentist this week that was absolutely not funny at the time, but in retrospect I guess it kind of is.

When we arrived, I gave the receptionist my daughter's name. She was just coming back from her lunch break and was getting logged back into her computer, but she said "You're all set, take a seat," and so we sat in the waiting room.

And sat and sat. For like, 45 minutes.

Finally I went back up to the desk and asked, "Did I get my daughter's appointment time wrong? We've been waiting for a long time."

I watched the blood drain from the receptionist's face as she looked up my daughter's name and said, "I'm sorry, I don't see her name here!"

"How is that possible?" I asked. "We checked in when we got here!"

She mumbled another apology and handed me a gift card to Starbucks, and that was that.

We'd showed up on the wrong day and that part was our fault, but the receptionist messed up too because she didn't actually check us in when we arrived, or she would've seen that on the computer!

In retrospect, I have two thoughts about it:

1. I'd rather have avoided the long wait for nothing with an overtired toddler having a series of meltdowns over the fact that the magnets on the trains at the train table have positive and negative sides, but I guess a free Starbucks muffin is better than nothing.
2. Having a stash of "sorry I screwed up" cards on hand is actually a pretty brilliant idea. Looking into it right now.

—6—

I've mentioned before that I love our school's holiday policy. Instead of forbidding any any mention of Christmas, they just devote equal time to talking about all the winter holidays. I love when my kids learn about other religions and cultures so I'm all for this.

My kindergartner was showing me her papers from school and showed me this beautiful menorah picture she made.

"Wow, that's nice!" I admired it. "Do you remember what that thing is called?"

I could see her racking her brains for the large, unfamiliar word menorah.

"Umm... orthodontist?"

So close, kid. So close.

She did, however, remember that the middle candle was called the shamash candle, so at least she was paying a little bit of attention.

—7—

I've always been careful with each of my 6 kids not to have them get attached to a particular lovey.

I have no problem with a toddler or preschooler who likes to sleep with a stuffed animal or carry around a blanket. I think that's cool, as long as they'll accept a number of different ones.

It's when they get attached to one specific lovey that you find yourself tearing the house apart to find it at bed time. Or making a special trip to the park 30 minutes away because they left it sitting on a bench. Or paying 10 times what it costs to buy a replacement on Ebay because it was discontinued by the manufacturer years ago.

My toddler always wants a stuffed animal before bed, but I didn't really even notice his preference for his sister's tiger until it was too late.

Now he carries it around all day long and refuses to go to sleep without Tiger. Not just any stuffed animal, but Tiger. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!

By the way, it was hard to even get a non-blurry picture of Tiger because he was trying to rip it out of my hands in every single one.

We're in trouble. Might as well go buy 10 of them, I guess. This is going to be a disaster.


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25 Signs You're Elbow-Deep in This Parenting Stuff

Parenting is the craziest job there is, filled with highs and lows and butt wiping. (Why, oh why is there so much butt wiping?) And when you're totally immersed in the world of raising tiny humans, it shows.

If you're smack in the middle of this parenting thing, you can relate so hard to all of these.

1. Your love language is silence.

2. You find an unflushed toilet in the house and don't think it's gross. Okay, maybe a little gross. But not super unusual.

3. You've ever cancelled plans because it would require moving a child's car seat.

4. When sweeping the floor after dinner, you say to yourself "Did I even make this much food?"

5. You can't call your kid without yelling the name of their siblings, the dog, and the children in the British Royal Family first.

6. The living room curtain rods are going to snap in half if you have to bend them back into place one more time.

7. You've discussed bodily functions at length around the dinner table.

8. You have sternly disapproved of a giant mess and then posted a picture of it on Facebook.

9. You've ever tried to put child-sized shoes on your own feet. Or put your coat on a child.

10. Authoritative phrases like "brush your teeth" and "buckle your seat belt" randomly fly out of your mouth, even when they make no sense in the current situation.

11. Your treats are hastily devoured while crouching in the corner like Gollum.

12. You find yourself horrified by almost every single movie you enjoyed watching as a kid. Seriously, where were your parents??

13. You've been interrupted three times during a single meal to go wipe someone's butt.

14. Your most often-worn accessory is someone else's bodily fluids.

15. You've ever yelled "STOP YELLING!" at someone without even a hint of irony.

16. You've ever signed up for a membership to somewhere mostly because it offered free child care.

17. New Year's resolutions are usually less "lose weight" and more "find all the Mr. Potato Head parts in the house."

18. When you turn your purse upside-down, no less than 5 receipts, 2 toys, and what appears to be a handful of Shake-n-Bake fall out.

19. You've gotten mad at someone for hurting themselves. Again.

20. You are so fast at re-rolling toilet paper you could get a job in the Charmin factory.

21. Right now, you could make the rounds in your house and car and come up with a complete set of cutlery and dinnerware.

22. Automated phone systems can never understand you through all the screaming.

23. You've ever gotten the heebie-jeebies from a rogue toy making noise at 2 AM.

24. You've pretended on more than one occasion not to be offended when you're dead in other people's imaginary play.

25. You've avoided eye contact with a child because you know it will make them start crying.

So the next time you're about to hurl your phone across the room because the robot voice at customer service keeps trying to translate your kids' fart noises in the background into speech, just remember: it's all part of the job.

And you are elbow-deep in it, my friend.

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The 17 Best Posts of 2017

At the beginning of 2017, I had an 8-month-old and the kindergartner was still at home, I was plugging away at my little blog, and we had a messy, completely disorganized basement.

Now it's almost the end of the year and I have 4 kids in school (including two middle schoolers!) and Unremarkable Files has grown by 15K Facebook followers and tripled in readers. Our basement is still a disaster.

Also in the last 12 months, I've written over 100 posts that I'm really proud of. Some will make you laugh and some will make you cry, but here are my 17 favorites of 2017.

#1:

Things Every Mom Has Done at Least a Million Times

January 11, 2017

Motherhood is many things, but it is NOT an exercise in moderation. I've done all of these things at least a million times, and I bet you have, too.

#2:
Awkward Things People Say to Big Families

September 11, 2017

This is my first video, and your response to it was great! Next time a stranger in the grocery store feels compelled to say something awkward about your family size, have one of these answers at the ready. They might not get it, but at least you'll be laughing.

#3:
31 Inconvenient Truths about Parenthood

August 23, 2017

Unfortunately, these are the 31 inconvenient truths that the baby books don't mention about becoming a parent. In fact, they're probably the reason you're hiding in the bathroom with a package of cookies right now.

#4:
My Kids Need a Class in What's Going On Around Here, So I'm Teaching One

October 25, 2017

Enjoy this draft of a course syllabus I drew up for my children one day when I decided we needed to get real about teaching them basic skills. Like flushing the toilet when they're done.

#5:
5 Tips for Dealing with Negativity When You're Pregnant Again

June 26, 2017

I get lots of email from women pregnant with Baby Number 4, 5, 6 or beyond who are dreading the negative reactions when they announce it. I get it, and I've been there. These tips will help.

#6:
A List of Things It Is Absolutely Unfair I Have to Clean

June 28, 2017

Every time I clean one of the things on this list, I'm definitely thinking homicidal thoughts with every sweep of my scrub brush.

#7:
What's the Big Deal About the Book of Mormon?

October 2, 2017

Most of you know I'm a Mormon, but did you know why we're called that? Come on, somebody wrote a whole musical about the Book of Mormon. It's a pretty big deal.

#8:
It's My Birthday: The Presidential Edition

May 23, 2017

I'm 35 now, and that means I can be president! Here's a sneak peak of my platform, including 35 things I would definitely do right away if I was elected. Like outlaw the manufacture of baby sleepers with snaps instead of zippers.

#9:
Signs Your Kids Have Gone Feral Over Summer Vacation

August 14, 2017

Summer time, and the livin' is easy. Also, your school-age children have probably gone feral over the vacation. Sorry.

#10:
I Have a Big Family and I Did It on Purpose

March 29, 2017

I have a lot of children, not because I'm crazy or unfortunate or not planning ahead or trying to bug you. I just want them.

#11:
19 Oddly Appropriate Careers Motherhood Has Prepared Me For

February 27, 2017

We all know that moms do a lot of cooking, janitorial work, and taxi driving. But that's just the beginning.

#12:
Having a Lot of Kids is Hard, and It's Also Easy

October 23, 2017

I used to worry that I couldn't hack it as a mom of 5. Now I have 6 and I wish I'd known earlier: having a big family is harder in some ways, but easier in others.

#13:
10 Sounds That Are Universally Feared by Parents

May 30, 2017

Parents have hearing superpowers. And these are the sounds that strike terror into our hearts.

#14:
If Newborns Were Named What They Look Like, We'd All Be Called 'Alien'

January 9, 2017

Someone once told us to look carefully at our newborn and choose a name that fit her perfectly. I'm so glad we didn't listen, or we might have written one of these on her birth certificate...

#15:
We Have FOMO for Our Kids, and It Needs to Stop

May 1, 2017

I know we came to this place out of love, but somehow we forgot that there is no list of magical childhood experiences you must check off before your kids turn 18. As a parent, that's just not my job.

#16:
An Accurate 'Hot Toy List' for 2017

November 8, 2017

Toys R Us, move over. Your 'hot holiday toy list' is a lie. My kids want to play with the toilet plunger.

#17:
Answering the Question: "Why Do You Have So Many Kids?"

October 11, 2017

This video was by far the most popular post on Unremarkable Files to date. Millions of you loved these hilarious answers to why you have so many kids. Which reason will you use?


Thanks for reading and sharing with your friends because honestly you guys, you make Unremarkable Files possible. Without you I couldn't keep blogging, and if I wasn't blogging I'd probably have to go deal with all the crap in the basement.

And no one wants that.

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