Monday, January 9, 2017

If Newborns Were Named What They Look Like, We'd All Be Called 'Alien'

When I was pregnant for the first time, an older and wiser parent told me to wait until after the baby was born to make the final decision on her name because "sometimes, the baby just doesn't look like a [insert your favorite name here]!"

Being clueless first-time parents, we dutifully obeyed. When the big day arrived, we excitedly examined all 7 lbs. of her to find that she looked like... a cross between my grandpa and a raisin.

Lesson learned. If you, too, want to call your newborn what s/he really looks like, here are a few names I recommend:

Alien

Even though they're obviously adorable, newborns look more like 90-year-old men or extra-terrestrials than the Gerber Baby.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

From their papery skin to their huge near-black eyes to their freakishly large heads in proportion to their bodies, newborns obviously look like aliens. Notable extraterrestrials you might recognize in your child shortly after birth include the Coneheads from Saturday Night Live, and E.T. when the delivery room nurse holds up his head and you see his scrawny neck stretching out.

Slug


Even though they're obviously adorable, newborns look more like 90-year-old men or extra-terrestrials than the Gerber Baby.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Covered in body fluids and vernix, the smooshy newborn at a few minutes old also closely resembles a garden slug. Don't tell me these shapeless invertebrate blobs don't look just a little bit like newborn babies to you, too. Put them both in cute sleepers and you'd hardly be able tell them apart.

Mr. Magoo


Even though they're obviously adorable, newborns look more like 90-year-old men or extra-terrestrials than the Gerber Baby.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Most newborns, let's face it, look exactly like short, sweet, toothless Mr. Magoo. Both sport the same huge bags under their eyes and eyelids so swollen they can hardly open them. Also, when you try to prop newborns up in the hospital bed to take a picture they schlump down like tiny geriatric patients.

Potato


Even though they're obviously adorable, newborns look more like 90-year-old men or extra-terrestrials than the Gerber Baby.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}


With their flatted, puffy facial features and no neck, most babies are shaped more like potatoes than people at first. At birth your baby will be the purplish-red color of a French Fingerling; after a few hours she'll turn the healthy pink of a Jewel Yam (unless she develops jaundice, in which case you can expect to see the yellowish hue of a delicious Yukon Gold.)

Gollum


qEven though they're obviously adorable, newborns look more like 90-year-old men or extra-terrestrials than the Gerber Baby.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

While it's not a particularly flattering comparison, some newborns are just so long and skinny you can't help but make it. If you look objectively at their round eyes, spindly arms, skinny bowed legs, and distended bellies, it's hard not to see Gollum just a little. Sorry.

Shar Pei


Even though they're obviously adorable, newborns look more like 90-year-old men or extra-terrestrials than the Gerber Baby.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

With their wrinkly foreheads, haggard expressions, and downy hair covering their backs and shoulders, newborns can also remind you of another lovable household creature: the Shar Pei. Also, both make wonderful companions and attract tons of attention when you take them out for walks.

Winston Churchill


Even though they're obviously adorable, newborns look more like 90-year-old men or extra-terrestrials than the Gerber Baby.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

It's no surprise if you give birth to a miniature Winston Churchill. Most newborns share a number of prominent characteristics with the former prime minister, including invisible eyebrows, a pudgy face, and a head full of peach fuzz. If your baby is especially skinny, though, s/he might look more like the "Inconceivable!" guy from The Princess Bride.

Even though they're obviously adorable, newborns look more like 90-year-old men or extra-terrestrials than the Gerber Baby.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

And despite all of these completely accurate descriptions of what newborns look like, they really are the cutest things on the planet, anyway. What did you think YOUR babies looked like when they were born?

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Unremarkable Files

26 comments:

  1. This is great! People always look at us funny when we say our kids have had names pretty much since before they were conceived. Babies also look like little waterlogged monkeys. We could start borrowing names from Planet of the Apes if we went down that path.

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    1. Ha! You win the prize for making me laugh the hardest today.

      After the first one, we decided that waiting to see what the baby looked like was clearly not going to be a thing and it was easier to pick whatever name we wanted and let them grow into it.

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  2. My daughter and I were just talking about her newborn phase. She looked pretty good for a newborn, but nothing like she looked once she fattened up at 3+ months. It's amazing how alien-like newborns look!

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  3. With my first daughter I pushed for two hours. When she finally came out, the ONLY thought I had was Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Seriously. Her head looked like a football. It was crazy.

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    1. It's disturbing and yet completely understandable, considering the circumstances.

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  4. Hahaha! The Winston Churchill thing especially cracks me up-and this is so true! When I gave birth, the best physical comparison I could give to people was "he looks like Gollum!" since he was so skinny.

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  5. My first baby looked liked a sumo wrestler! She was so round and chunky!
    #2 daughter, had a sharp little nose, and under the influence I called her a shark,now you know what her nose looked like! Then, I called her Granny, wizened little faces, and again the sharp nose. Then, when I looked at the rest of her body, then I called her apiece of spaghetti! Please remember, I was still under the influence!! haha The funny thing is, they were only 6 oz different! #1 was 9 lbs, 12 oz, 21 1/2 ". #2 was "ONLY" 9 lbs 6 oz, and 22 "!!
    I never knew 6 oz, and half an inch would make such a world of difference!

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    1. Well, when you weigh less than a gallon of milk and measure less than 2 feet long, every ounce and half-inch counts!

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  6. Yes, newborns look very strange. With our first, nobody told us that she would come out blue. So, of course, my husband panicked and thought she was going to die (9 years later, still OK). With our fifth, as soon as he was born, one of the nurses handed him to me and I almost dropped him, because he was so slippery. We waited at least a few hours before deciding on a name for any of ours, except for our first son (2nd baby) who has a family name.

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    1. I'm still shocked to look back at pictures at how PURPLE some of my babies were right after birth.

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  7. My kids all fell into the Winston Churchhill description. They were all little chubby things. ;) They were long though too. I would have won the ugly baby award for sure!! My kids were closely behind me on that award too. Yet, they turned into handsome and beautiful kids!!

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    1. It absolutely has no bearing on how they look as big kids/adults, which is so weird!

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  8. Jonah, as they looked like they'd just been thrown up by a whale. ;)
    My oldest son came out and he looked like a JAMES. Still does. My husband hated the name though and since we'd been calling him Gavin for months, said we're sticking with it and he'll grow into the name. And he has.

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    1. Ha! I think I might've had a few Jonahs if I named them what they looked like at birth!

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  9. I have seen some VERY ugly newborn babies - Heaven help them if their parents had named them "warthog" or "gross burger". I did seriously consider calling our daughter "Amber" but red hair runs in my husband's family and so I crossed it off the list just in case!

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  10. mine came out looking exactly like my face on a teeny little body. It actually was kind of creepy and freaked my wife out a bit #fridayfriviolity

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    1. They say that newborns look like their dads... I always thought they looked like grandpas or perhaps great-grandpas, though.

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  11. OMG YES! A friend of mine had a baby last year and we called him Old Man Jenkins for so long, it's his nickname now. LOL. Fortunately they don't stay that way. #FridayFrivolity

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    1. Okay, we're not Sponge Bob watchers so I had to look up the reference, but when I did I laughed for a full 5 minutes. The toothless, formless mouth! Spot on.

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  12. I love a little ET newborn neck :) Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

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  13. Oh I agree with this! I used to think there was something wrong with me because when I saw newborn babies I didn't see cuteness but I saw Gollums or Winstons! My Oldest was a Gollum and my Youngest was a Winston but with a jet black wig! #FridayFrolics

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    1. I think there's nothing wrong with noting that objectively they look funny, but to you they are the most beautiful beings in the world.

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  14. Mine was a conehead for the first day. Luckily he outgrew it. :)

    Thanks for sharing on #FridayFrivolity

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  15. I don't know about you all...but my babies were BEAUTIFUL. LOL - just kidding. I mean, yes...of course they were beautiful...you know, in that potato- Mr. Magoo-alien kind of way!

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  16. Hahahaha....Omgosh, you made me laugh. I'm pretty sure I would have been in no right mind to name her at birth. I kept saying sorry...I think I pooped during birth and they all just laughed and said it was MY new baby that did. I know...def, way too much. But this is where you took me with this post =) #happynowlinkup

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  17. So cracking up over this right now! Our youngest definitely had the Mr. Magoo look. We actually used to refer to him as Walter Mathau, because he would make those exact same faces! Thanks again for joining the #happynowlinkup!

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