Monday, September 18, 2017

Things I Manage to Tell My Kids Without Even a Hint of Irony

We always want our kids to do what's good and right, and it's obvious that children learn best from the example of their parents. I know it, and you know it. But here's the thing: adults are big, fat hypocrites.

Kids learn good habits from a responsible adult who sets a good example. Too bad parents are big, fat hypocrites.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
"Do as I say, not as I do, okay?"

And these 6 things I say to my kids all the time pretty much prove it.

1. "We don't have dessert before breakfast."


Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That's why we have rules around here. However, I also make the rules and I reserve the right to bribe myself out of bed with the half-bag of chocolates on top of the refrigerator if I deem it necessary.

Especially if I was up all night taking care of one bloody nose, two wet pajamas, three bad dreams, and a partridge in a pear tree.

2. "We clean up after ourselves when we finish an activity."


You know how I fixed that button that fell off your shirt three days ago? My sewing basket is still on the table. I have no fewer than 4 glasses of water around the house at this very minute. Truth is, I'm as bad at picking up after myself as the kids are. I can just get away with it.

Why my kids don't call me out on the fact that my slippers are in the middle of the kitchen floor, I don't know. But then I remember they can't see their own shoes on the floor and it all starts to make sense.

3. "We don't drink right out of the container."


The kids are required to drink from a cup because I still haven't forgotten that one time I found graham cracker crumbs in the milk.

But as the person responsible for doing the dishes, let me tell you that by the end of the day, it gets real old. If a quick swig from the container means one less glass to wash at the end of the day, so be it.

4. "One cookie is enough."


One cookie is really all you need for dessert. Maybe two, if we're feeling particularly celebratory. But pleas for more than that will fall upon deaf ears, because eating too many sweets isn't good for your health. End of story.

That isn't to say I'm not going to inhale 6 of them after you go to bed tonight. Possibly sooner depending on what kind of day we're having.

Kids learn good habits from a responsible adult who sets a good example. Too bad parents are big, fat hypocrites.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

5. "Sorry, you can't stay up late on a school night."


You kids don't appreciate how good you have it. Want to watch a movie on a Tuesday night? Nope, because you have to get up early for school tomorrow. I only wish I had a good judgment fairy hovering over me making sure I get a full night's sleep. (Actually, scratch that, my sweet husband tries to do that and it's super-annoying.)

I stay up late ALL THE TIME when I know it's a terrible idea. Half the time I'm not even doing anything purposeful or fun, I'm just reading stupid articles on BuzzFeed that I don't even care about because I can. When morning rolls around, I regret it profoundly.

6. "STOP YELLING!"


The logic goes something like this: The noise level in the house is unacceptable. Therefore, I must tell the kids to keep it down. However, to do that I must raise my voice even louder. I must scream over the screaming in order to put an end to the screams. This is not rational or even particularly effective.

One day I think I'll learn. I'll walk over to the children, take their hands with a smile, and calmly explain to them that my eardrums are bleeding and I would greatly appreciate it if they would use their inside voices. But that day is not today.


Dear children, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. You probably don't understand now, but I'm convinced you'll forgive me 20 years from now when you find yourselves saying these same things to your own children. Because when you become a parent, you earn the right to eat the secret cookies at 7 AM.

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4 comments:

  1. Lol!! Over the weekend I totally told R we don't eat cookies for breakfast and then ate TWO. Shame.

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    1. If the cookies had oats in them then they are practically granola.

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  2. #2, 4, and 6 are my absolute downfalls! But let's be real, the others also make appearances on the regular...

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  3. That one. The stop yelling one. (I hide my head in shame.)

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