Tuesday, May 23, 2017

It's My Birthday: The Presidential Edition

(Note: Since Unremarkable Files is a politically-neutral blog, and in the current political climate you can hardly say the word "president" without people around you breaking out in hives, I hesitated to even write this. Please remember as you read and comment that this is just a fun post meant for fun on my birthday. You can do it, Internet. I believe in you.)

Yesterday, I turned 35 years old, which we all know means I'm finally old enough to be president.

This has never been a particular aspiration of mine, but it's a good idea to keep my options open.

Although I've never wanted to be president, I might be tempted to run for office just so I could do these 35 things.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

If I were president, these are the first 35 things I would do:

1. Mother's Day once a month.

2. All napkin dispensers replaced with wet wipe dispensers nationwide.

3. Public restroom babysitters (so you don't have to pee while holding a baby and trying to keep the toddler from licking the stall door.)

4. Court-ordered community service for asking an overdue pregnant woman when she's "finally going to have that baby."

5. Legal amnesty for any pregnant woman who was just asked when she's "finally going to have that baby." At that point, she can't be held responsible for her actions.

6. Ice cream and Girl Scout cookies are now tax-deductible business expenses for parents.

7. Every store of every kind will be required to have a drive-thru. No exceptions.

8. A strictly-enforced page limit and a word-per-page limit for children's picture books.

9. Effective immediately, all sleepers will have zippers instead of snaps. Anyone found to manufacture onesies with real buttons faces jail time.

10. Unlawful for bank tellers to ask moms "Can he have a sucker?" when their child is right there. An elaborate series of hand signals, like the ones used in baseball, will be developed for that purpose.

11. Recorders in the 4th grade will be replaced with air guitar.

12. Kitchen implements will be sold in toy aisles, because that's what they become when they get home, anyway.

13. New moms leaving the hospital receive a rubber stamp of their signature for the next 18 years of paperwork.

14. All battery-operated toys must be equipped with volume controls and an on/off switch.

15. There will be a new NC-MOM rating for movies, allowing mothers to easily identify and avoid films where a kid gets hurt.

16. The food pyramid will be updated to include a new "It's Been One of Those Days" food group.

17. Candy will be moved above a child's eye level at the register.

18. Ditto for the mostly-naked people on the magazine covers at the checkout.

19. Groups of inmates doing community service not only pick up trash along the roadside, they would also offer to clean up the trash inside minivans at approved checkpoints.

20. Establish a national art gallery where parents can send their kids' billions of art projects that they are forbidden to throw away.

22. Special recognition for moms who save water by showering every three days.

23. Curtain rods required to be made of titanium so as to withstand the full weight of a child swinging on them like Tarzan.

24. All moms are now eligible for service dogs to clean up kids' food spills and pick up things they drop in the back of the car.

25. Ice cream trucks will instead carry pizza and paper plates, and drive through neighborhoods at dinnertime every night playing top 40 music from the '80s and '90s.

26. Air a series of PSAs on how to change a toilet paper roll.

27. Acorns and small rocks found at the bottom of your purse count as legal tender.

28. The day after Halloween declared a national holiday. (Because trying to get kids up out of their late-night-and-sugar-induced comas the next morning for school is the worst.)

29. Parents no longer responsible for leaving money in exchange for lost baby teeth. A new Tooth Fairy General will be appointed.

30. Soundproof, floor-to-ceiling walls between restroom stalls to prevent toddlers from commenting on what you're doing, commenting on what they hear other people doing, or peeking underneath at the neighbors.

31. Instituting an official "no shave November" for moms. (Although they can file for an extension.)

32. No more pre-boarding for families with young children. Families get on the plane last, leaping off the edge of the jetway as the plane pulls away so they don't have to spend one extra second trying to entertain their child in a cramped metal tube from which there is literally no escape.

33. Issue a special-edition postage stamp that says "RSVP or I will cut you." (Ideal for mailing out children's birthday party invitations.)

34. Crib railings and baby gates outfitted with an improved design, like the angled chain link fences you see surrounding maximum-security prisons.

35. Children's shoes must be shaped in such a way that they can fit on either foot. And they come in sets of 3.

Some people might say that turning a year older is sort of depressing, but I choose to look on the bright side. I can be president now!

And if I can run a household of 8 by mostly yelling commands from the bathroom, I can totally run a country, amiright?

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23 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday!

    I love your list. Especially that RSVP one. Ugh. It's why I don't like to throw parties.

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    1. It's the worst. If your parent doesn't RSVP to me, I assume you're not coming... but sometimes they actually show up and then they might not end up with the goody bag or whatever other take-home the other kids are getting!

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  2. Absolutely brilliant. I would give a kidney to get rid of Daylight Savings.

    Happy Birthday!

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    1. It's awful BOTH WAYS after you have kids. Just awful.

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  3. You'd get my vote! This was hilarious. Love the RSVP stamp.

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  4. Where do I line up to vote for you?! Replacing recorders with air guitar is genius.

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  5. Happy birthday! Oh my goodness, I would totally vote for you. Every store needs a drive-thru, I agree!

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  6. Drive throughs everywhere! Yes!!

    This is the best thing ever. I'm Canadian but I'd move to the U.S. to vote for you.

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  7. You totally know how what a Mom needs to function! Yes to the toilet walls! Yes to the pizza trucks! Yes to the wet wipes! Yes to the children's shoes that are uni-side and in sets of three! Yes to letting children board at the last minute! Halloween needs to always be on Friday! Yes to acorns and small rocks as legal tender! Two votes from me!

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  8. #21 will get you the vote of every parent of children that either go to school, or day care! For the LOVE!! Why can't they leave the clock alone??
    Oh yes, Happy 35th Birthday, Prez Jenny!
    #33, a perfect tag line for your campaign!!
    I love all of them! Where do I send my sizable campaign contribution of 5,000 acorns, and 10,000 small rocks??

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    Replies
    1. I see your granddaughter has been hard at work collecting all those for you. Send her my sincerest thanks.

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  9. #7 and #13!!! One major reason I married my husband was so that my last name could be a LOT shorter than it used to be, so thankfully my signature isn't too long... But a stamp sure would be handy!

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  10. I laughed out loud so hard that I cried and scared the daylights out of the dog. I found your blog through Rosie's "A Blog for My Mom" & so glad that I did. Maybe not President but definitely my choice for Secretary of the Interior

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad to have you here! I hope you come back often and keep laughing.

      If you're on Facebook you're also welcome to check out the blog's page for more of the same: www./facebook.com/Unremarkable Files

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  11. Happy Birthday! And, just IMHO, I think presidential matters are something right up your alley! (I have strong feelings about the American toilet stall gaps)

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    Replies
    1. Oh my goodness, don't even start me on those.

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  12. You've got my vote! Daylight savings time has got to go!

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  13. You've got my vote! Especially based on #25 and #33.
    Happy birthday. Hope you had a good one.

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  14. Happy birthday! This list really made me think, how is #35 not a real thing? Its brilliant #happynow

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  15. Yes, yes, yes to all of the above, especially #8. (I wondered why I went to bed cranky, but looking back, I bet it was because I got suckered into reading a bedtime story which was deceptively long....)

    I'll volunteer to be your campaign manager!
    #happynowlinkup

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    Replies
    1. I love Disney but their books are the worst! Also, Dr. Seuss is borderline.

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  16. Ha! Definitely agree with the shoes. I don't know how many single shoes we have in our house. Thanks so much for sharing at the #happynowlinkup!

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  17. Bwawha! I am a PR guru you know, let's launch this campaign together! It's time. :)

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