9 Jobs Newborn Babies Would Be Excellent At

Some people say newborns are just squishy blobs that don't do much besides eat, sleep, and poop, but I don't know about that.

It seems to me like newborn babies just have a really unique skill set that lends itself perfectly to a lot of careers out there. You just have to find the right ones.

For example, a newborn baby would make a really great:

Demolitions expert. Ever seen the house of a family with a newborn? It's completely trashed: dishes stacked to the ceiling, laundry everywhere, and a gallon of milk going bad under a stack of mail on what used to be the kitchen table. It's an impressive level of destruction, especially when you consider newborns aren't even mobile.

Runway model. Extended relatives will be sending your little fashion icon one haute couture label after another: Carter's, Gymboree, Baby Gap... You might not leave the house for the months at a time due to how busy you are dressing your baby up in cute outfits and taking pictures.

Celebrity. Speaking of pictures, as a new member of the parent paparazzi you will stalk your newborn and photograph him from every conceivable angle in every conceivable location. Not because he's doing anything interesting, either. Just because you're obsessed with him.

Explosives technician. Two words: diaper blowout. Nobody knows more about detonating volatile substances than a newborn.

Political dictator. These tyrants rule with a tiny iron fist to get whatever they want, whenever they want it, and if that means you lose basic rights like hot meals and showers? Then so be it. Talk about absolute power.

Contortionist. Ever look up from changing a diaper and realize your baby's heels are quite literally touching her forehead? There are flexible people, then there are circus performers, and then there are newborns.

Ta-da!

Eating contest entrant. Cluster feeding makes you want to scream, but try to think of it as a training opportunity for your newborn. He can make a lot of money touring the competitive eating circuit and winning contests for that.

Quality control specialist. I have never in my life met anyone as picky as a newborn. It's always too hot, too cold, too loud, too quiet, too still, or too bouncy. If there's even the slightest thing wrong, trust me, a newborn will let you know.

High school dance chaperone. If you need to keep couples from getting too close or sneaking off to be alone, a newborn is definitely the right person for the job. As any new parent will tell you, babies are naturals at shutting down romantic moments practically before they even get started.

You see? All sorts of careers are perfectly suited to newborns and their innate skills. If you're a new or expecting parent, keep this list handy. After all, it's never too early for your baby to seek gainful employment and start saving for college.

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7 Quick Takes about Online Banking as an Ecstatic Experience, Surprise House Paintings, and Wearing a Banana Costume to the Zoo

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

So I happened to see this ad in the paper, and I'm obviously using the wrong bank because these people are having a way better time checking their balance than I typically do.

The pinnacle of human experience and  overdraft protection!

I realize the advertisers probably didn't hand two models a Motorola and say "Pretend like you're banking."

They most likely grabbed a stock photo of "happy people on a smartphone" and used that, but I still just can't look at this ad without laughing. The first pump is too much for me.

—2—

On Monday I wrote a parody piece called "6 Fall Knits that Look Great with Your Kid's Snot on the Shoulder" and as sometimes happens in writer land, hit 'publish' and watched it not do very well.

Maybe people thought it was a real style guide and skimmed right on past.

In writing that parody article, though, I had to look at a few actual style guides from fancy places like Harper's Bazaar, where I realized that "style guide" is actually code for "ugly clothes that are ridiculously expensive."

It's basically a line-up trying to convince you it would be totally okay to buy an $350 pair of Aztec-patterned leggings.

It is not, FYI.

—3—

It's time to re-paint the exterior of our house, so we've been gathering quotes from different house painting companies for the last few weeks.

Then we got an email from one of them saying our paint job was scheduled for Monday, which was a total surprise to us seeing as we hadn't contracted with them or signed any agreement with them.

We called the company to gently remind them that "um, we didn't actually hire you yet," but for future reference, if this happens again and we just don't say anything, we get a free house painting, right?

I mean, if someone just shows up uninvited and paints your house as a surprise...

I was almost sad making the call telling them not to come, because I think it would be fun not to know what color house you'd come home to at the end of the day. But maybe that's just me.

—4—

My 10-year-old showed me this book he got from Grandma:

"The biggest, fastest, grossest, tiniest, slowest, and smelliest creatures on the planet," I read out loud, handing it back to him. "About half of those live here."

Phillip also pointed out that putting the author's names just below the "slowest and smelliest" bit didn't exactly put them in the most flattering light, and though I hadn't noticed it before, I had to agree.

—5—

Since Grandma is here for a visit, I made the executive decision to take the kids out of school and go to the zoo for the day. Being kind of a cold and cloudy weekday, we basically had the place to ourselves.

I realize this probably means I'm getting old and boring, but I really liked the informational plaques because they were more readable and interesting than the ones you usually see at zoos.

At the rhino enclosure, I read that a group of rhinos is called a "crash" just in time to see not one, but two of my children almost toppling headfirst over a railing out of the corner of my eye (not into the enclosure, just into a ditch with some bushes on the other side.)

From this point forward, I will definitely be referring to my kids as a crash of Evanses.

—6—

The zoo currently has a promotion where kids wearing a Halloween costume get in free, so of course we dressed them up to save a million dollars.

As soon as we got in, the kids started complaining loudly, "Can I take my costume off?!"

"Shhh!" I hissed, "Wait until we're out of sight of the ticket lady!"

Because, apparently, I was worried that she was so personally invested in the promotion that if she saw the kids remove their costumes she'd immediately jump the turnstile and taser them.

Thank goodness we avoided that by getting a few hundred feet between us first.

—7—

One of the kids, however, didn't want to to take off his his costume. He wore it the entire time, which was especially comical in front of the monkey cages.



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So I Guess I'm Not a Mormon Anymore

I knew that title would prompt many of you to read.

I still belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That has not changed. Really, nothing has — except the nickname "Mormon."

Our prophet President Nelson has asked us to stop using it.

When I mentioned this to one of my Catholic friends, she asked "So is 'Mormon,' like, a derogatory word?"

Well, yes and no.

Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints were sometimes called "Mormons" or "Mormonites" in the early 1800s because of our belief in the Book of Mormon, a book of scripture titled after a person named Mormon who is actually in the book.

Since the people calling us "Mormons" were the same people occasionally tarring and feathering us, you can imagine it wasn't exactly a term of endearment.

After a while, though, as sometimes happens with slurs, we appropriated the term Mormon and started using it with pride. (But thank goodness we didn't appropriate "Mormonites.")

Author photo for reference, and also because I feel weird publishing a blog post with no pictures.

While the incorrect name "Mormon church" always made me and the rest of the church bristle, we collectively had no problem referring to ourselves as Mormons or our church as the LDS Church.

And that's how everyone else knew us anyway, so we should just go with it, right?

"If this were a discussion about branding a man-made organization, those arguments might prevail," President Nelson said at general conference earlier this month, "...[but] Jesus Christ directed us to call the Church by His name because it is His Church, filled with His power."

It's true.

We believe Jesus Christ personally leads this church and specifically designated its name "the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" in a revelation that has been canonized.

In writing this post, I've started typing "Mormon" and had to delete it at least a half-dozen times. Old habits die hard.

President Nelson suggests we refer to ourselves as "members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints." Or "members of the restored church of Jesus Christ." Or for short, "Latter-day Saints" (although it's not nearly as short and snappy as "Mormons.")

From an SEO perspective, or even from a logistical "how do I name my religion without putting everyone in the room to sleep while I'm saying it?" perspective, I admit I'm still trying to work this out in my mind.

And yet, I welcome this course correction and the shift away from the church's old nickname.

While it's true the average Joe is more likely to recognize the word "Mormon" than the full 11-syllable name of the church, that doesn't necessarily mean he knows who we are or what we believe, or really anything about us.

(Case in point: one of Phillip's old co-workers was totally blown away when Phillip said he was Mormon, because he was positive Mormon and Amish were the same thing.)

What's more, some people are convinced that Mormons aren't Christian. I'm deeply offended by that, but to be fair there's nothing in the nickname "Mormon" that really suggests otherwise.

I suppose someone could go around saying "Mormons don't believe in Jesus!" and sound credible, but it would be a lot harder sell to argue that members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints don't believe in Jesus.

Using the full and correct name of the church certainly requires a bigger breath before I start talking, but seeing as one of the commitments I made at baptism was, in our faith's parliance, to "take Christ's name upon me," I think I'll just have to put on my big girl pants and do it.

Yes, I was proud of being a Mormon.

But I'm even prouder to belong the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

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6 Fall Knits That Look Great With Your Kid's Snot on the Shoulder

There's a chill in the air and the grocery store just completed construction on the new pumpkin spice wing, and that means that autumn is here!

This season, the number one question on every mom's mind is: what fall knits will go with my kid's snot on my shoulder?

Basic Cabled Sweater

Time for a day of memories and mucus at the pumpkin patch in this cozy cold-weather staple! Textured cables and a comfortable boyfriend fit camouflage snot and phlegm so well, no one will know you're basically a walking Puffs facial tissue as far as your kids are concerned.

Ribbed Pullover

If you're searching for a sweater that wears well with your child's bodily secretions, grab a slouchy pullover in jewel tones. Coordinate the look with a statement bracelet and the appearance of trying to get some work done, and your kids will won't be able to stop themselves from treating your sleeve like their own personal handkerchief!

Playful Cowl Neck

When all of Facebook turns into one tropical vacation slideshow, stuff your existential despair into a delicate feminine knit and head to an indoor botanical garden! Copious amounts of bodily fluids around your collarbone from lifting the kids out of their carseats add dimension to your monochrome outfit as you alternately question your life choices and browse Zillow listings in Orlando on your phone.

Fitted Mock Turtleneck

Paired with an on-trend pair of mid-rise pinstripe trousers, the classic mock turtleneck gets a modern update perfect for a day at the office. With your child's snot on the shoulder of this self-assured ensemble, you'll be sure to hear comments like "I admire how you handled that high-stakes negotiation" and "Um, I think you've got something on your..."

Layered Knits

When your child's runny nose is headed toward you at Mach 5, you'd better be wearing this punchy combo of layered knits. Trendy and inspired, it features all the comfort of your favorite fall outfit and the moisture absorption you need when a toddler is coming at you like Slimer from the Ghostbusters franchise.

Soft Cardigan

This flowy, thigh-length open front cardi does it all: keeps you warm, goes with everything, and is perfect for the rare kid-free errand or girl's night out. You won't even notice until you come home that you've had a child's mucus smeared across your chest the entire time!

Looking for a cool-weather outfit that pairs well with your child's snot on the shoulder? These 6 unforgettable fall knits take all the guesswork out of accessorizing. Just looking at bold autumn trends like these are guaranteed to get your kid's nose running.

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7 Quick Takes about Superheroes of Productivity, Ugly Things to Do with Apples, and Accolades from the Mongolian Government

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week? Or two weeks, in this case?

—1—

I'm back from my 10-day blog break, obviously, and let me tell you that not writing a 7 Quick Takes last week was really weird.

I've written one every Friday since the inception of the blog back in 2014, including the week when I pushed a human being out of my uterus. So yeah, I guess you could say I've been pretty committed.

Parenthetically, writing the year made me realize I completely forgot the blog's 4th birthday in September. For most bloggers, their blog is like another child, making me wonder about the fervent commitment I just said I had.

And also whether I missed any of my other kids' birthdays this year.

—2—

Some people love fall because of the crisp air, pumpkin-flavored everything, and beautiful foliage. I love it because it means spending all day chasing down my children with economy-sized tubs of Eucerin and rubbing it on their blistered eczema-ridden skin.

So I actually don't love it.

I have no idea if this will be a particularly dry winter and a bad year for their poor skin, but since my daughter had an idea the other day for a superhero who starts lighting storms by taking out her ponytail and shaking out her hair, I think it just might be.

—3—

Speaking of superheroes...

An email from the middle school recently explained they're teaching a special unit on executive function, which is academic-speak for "all the skills you need to organize and complete tasks."

This week, the email informed me, kids were introduced to the superhero of the week: Plan Man.

Though I was doubtful 6^th graders would be too jazzed about meeting Plan Man, I can tell you that as an organization-obsessed adult I'd be first in line to buy tickets to a Marvel movie about Plan Man saving the world through meticulous project management.

—4—

What are your kids going to be for Halloween? We've never done a family costume before but one child was particularly excited about the idea so we did some brainstorming.

Of course, our 10-year-old really wanted to be a banana so that kind of limited our options. We thought about having everyone be fruit while the toddler donned a cashier's vest and held a barcode scanner, but that idea was nixed by the one who actually works at a grocery store for being "lame."

Most of the kids seemed open to the idea of me being a dog walker and them being dogs, so I went online to explore that option, which was harder than you might think. Googling "dog costumes" results mostly in costumes for dogs to wear.

After finding out that 6 good-looking dog costumes were actually going to end up being pretty labor-intensive and/or expensive, we decided to just go with these.

Not really. In the end, we jettisoned the whole idea of a group costume and declared this an every-man-for-himself Halloween like every other year in our house. Apparently, that's what works for us.

So far we have a surgeon, Mr. Incredible, a black cat, a banana, a gypsy, and one still undecided. Should be interesting.

—5—

I happened to see this Halloween shrunken head craft and thought "Hey that looks weird, let's try it." I'm not a crafter, but apparently if it's bizarre enough I might just attempt it out of morbid curiosity.

We carved apples into faces, dipped them in lemon juice to slow the mold process, and left them to dry for a couple of weeks. As per Martha Stewart's recommendation, we dried them on barbecue skewers which actually upped the gross factor if that's possible.

Trending on Pinterest: whimsical mason jar of shriveled heads.

The one on the left is mine and I'm just proud it looks like a face. The one on the far right is Phillip's and bears an uncanny resemblance to a 3-D ultrasound.

It was fun I guess, but much to the regret of the neighborhood fruit flies, we probably won't be trying this craft again.

—6—

One of Phillip's coworkers, who has been in Mongolia for the past year on a Fulbright scholarship, just came back.

The funny part was that she even brought home a gift for Phillip to give me: a pin from the Mongolian government for mothers of large families.

When you're the most sparsely-populated country in the world, you do what you've got to do.

This is the Order of Maternal Glory, Second Class and it was awarded to mothers of 5+ children with cash bonuses back in the communist era (hence the Russian script.)

If only I had two more kids, I could've been upgraded to 1^st class with an annual subsidy of 600 tugriks per child! Dang it.

—7—

My friend Bridget invited me to the inaugural concert at the new performing arts theater her college just finished.

She's the president of the Student Trustees, meaning that I'm basically famous by association now and when we arrived this was on my seat:

If you saw how excited I was about this, you'd know I don't get out much.

Okay, so the signs were strips of 8.5 x 11" copy paper and they were written in Microsoft Office's default font, but I reserve the right to savor this moment when I was clearly a VIP at an upscale cultural event.

I took Bridget's advice and brought the sign home, planning to casually put it on my chair at the dinner table or maybe a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup if one should happen to show up, but I realized this morning that in a cruel twist of irony, it's still sitting on top of the washing machine where I set it down when I came home.

And now the dirty laundry is mine, all mine! [insert evil laugh here]

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The 7 Quick Takes that Wasn't

Hey, guys. I'm still on my blog break (before you get all judgy, I'll have you know I wrote and scheduled this post way last week.)

It's come to my attention that some of you faithfully read 7 Quick Takes every Friday morning and because I don't want you to be devastated (or more accurately, slightly bummed for a few minutes before you see a video of a baby riding a Roomba and forget all about it) I wanted to hook you up with some vintage 7 Quick Takes.

Remember that time I went to a fancy dinner and found a bug in my food?

Or when my son broke a hole in the ceiling with a bouncy ball?

Or when I found my portrait drawn on the toilet seat?

Those were good times. 

Check out some of the #tbt links above and don't worry: I'll be back with a new 7 Quick Takes next week.

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Taking a Blog Break: Or, The Only Post You'll Read This Week That Talks Extensively About God and the Macarena

I went into General Conference this past weekend hoping for some peace and spiritual clarity.

Be careful what you wish for.

The phase of life I'm in right now resembles a tsunami more closely than anything I've ever lived through before. My oldest child is entering high school and my youngest just graduated from diapers and frankly, I was not ready for either thing to happen.

I feel pulled in a million different directions, dealing with the great things and the challenging things each of my 6 kids brings into our family, trying to juggle home and family and the blog and church and I'm sort of exhausted.

So when it came General Conference time, which is the semi-annual broadcast from leaders of the worldwide Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints giving spiritual instruction, encouragement, and inspiration, I was all ears.

I was hoping for re-calibration, which I understood to mean feeling warm fuzzies and then resuming my chaotic life exactly as before and finding that it had magically become more manageable.

Then our prophet President Nelson stood at the podium and directly called for a 10-day social media fast and I was like YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

In preparation for this Conference I'd done a little object lesson with the kids. I took two identical-looking paper lunch bags, one empty and one filled with fruit snacks. I set them on the table and asked the kids to pick one.

Some picked A, some picked B, and some refused to choose because they didn't know what was inside either. Then I called my 4-year-old up to peek in the bags and tell the other kids which one to choose.

The prophet is like that. I don't know why a social media fast is needed at this time, but I trust that sometimes he can see things I can't. Even if there aren't literal fruit snacks at the end of this, I will listen to the prophet.

So I'm taking a 10-day breather, not only from Unremarkable Files' social media channels but also from the blog itself.

If I hit the ground running (or more accurately, blogging) right now, I will likely be the exact same person 6 months from now when General Conference rolls around again. If I take this break, I'll have space to implement some of the improvements in my life I was inspired to make this weekend.

Still, I'll have you know I'm terrified to do this. Ten days feels like a long time to be away.

I've never done it before, at least not without scheduling posts to publish while I'm gone, and I worry that the audience I've worked so hard to build will forget about me and move on.

It's quite possible that's what happened to the guys who wrote "Macarena." We'll never know for sure.

I'm being melodramatic, of course. People go on vacation all the time for 10 days, and I'm not exactly a Spanish dance sensation over here.

The bottom line is that I love my Heavenly Father and I have a strong testimony that President Nelson is God's prophet, every bit as much as Noah or Moses was. I must, or else I would never, ever do this.

See you all in 10 days. And until I come back, please feel free to brush up your Macarena with this instructional YouTube video.

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7 Quick Takes about Not Knowing What Is Going On as Usual, Hand Soap that Must Be Special, and Speculation About How Many Reese's My Daughter Can Eat

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

Usually my dreams have zero relationship to my actual life, such as when I'm fighting ghosts in an abandoned museum with some guy I haven't spoken to since college.

(Before you ask, yes, that is a real example.)

But this week I woke up from a dream that overlapped with life enough that I was actually confused about whether it had really happened.

I was taking my kids on The Funnest Outing Ever (bear with me, that's not the super-realistic part.) While we were waiting in line for something I asked each one in turn, "Did you get ice cream? What about you, did you get ice cream?"

All the kids said yes except for the last one, who answered "No, but it's okay, I had some at Arby's."

"When did you go to Arby's?" I asked, starting to get embarrassed because she was young enough that I should know her whereabouts most of the time.

"With the Tibbs'," she answered.

"Who are the Tibbs'?!?" I yelled, just before realizing that the child in question wasn't mine and in fact, I had no idea who she was.

The fact that even in my dreams I don't know what's going on speaks volumes for my parenting.

—2—

I thought the directions on the back of this soap were a little funny.

"Use to wash hands as you would any hand soap?" Isn't that cheating? Like using a word to define itself?

Also, is there a reason I'd think this product would be used differently than any other soap? Since it goes out of its way to clarify that this is just ordinary soap with nothing special about it so just move along thankyouverymuch, I feel like I'm missing something here.

I never thought I'd be confused by directions for hand soap, but here we are.

—3—

My kids are always trolling for pets, since I categorically refuse to bring one more (non-human) thing into this house whose poop I have to clean up. 

Their latest pet substitute is Tenty, a caterpillar my 6-year-old found outside. The weird name is because he's a tent caterpillar.

Tenty pictured at top left trying desperately to escape from his Sterilite prison.

The kids made him a nice habitat and Googled what tent caterpillars eat and everything. It took two full days of Tenty's life for him to figure out how to climb out, which is basically the caterpillar equivalent of digging the tunnel for 19 years in Shawshank Redemption.

—4—

I'm really loving working with the toddlers in nursery at church on Sundays. My last calling involved a lot of activity planning for the adults which is pretty much the worst-suited thing for my personality that I can imagine. 

Not that it wasn't good for me in a lot of ways, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like this breath of fresh air. Playing with and teaching toddlers for two hours is my happy place.

We've got some voracious readers in nursery so I've gotten pretty familiar with the picture books, and I have to laugh every time someone requests this one:

On every page you spin the wheel in the middle to see which animal noise you're going to make, and on the very last page — I'm not sure if this is because the writer couldn't think of any more animal noises or because he knew that by the last page parents would be over it and dying to just get the kids in bed already — the last square says "Be quiet like a fish!"

—5—

I thought about finding a babysitter for my 2- and 4-year-olds during my daughter's allergist appointment this week. It was after all a food challenge, which meant a whole morning of sitting in the office trying bites of peanut butter and waiting to see if she developed hives.

But since my strategy to life lately has been "Put off making decisions until it's too late and doing nothing has become your decision," I didn't find a babysitter and they came with us.

Needless to say they were pretty bored. By the end of the 3-hour appointment, they were trying to launch themselves off the exam table and were literally dismantling the room (or at least the furniture inside it.)

Removing the rubber stoppers on the exam room stools because what fun is a toy that still has all its parts?

Taking a mayhem break under the exam table with snacks.

—6—

However, I was too excited to even care about how loudly they were shrieking as they played with the swivel stool: my 6-year-old has outgrown her peanut allergy!

She tolerated ¼ tsp and  ½ tsp and finally 2 Tbsp of peanut butter, at which point they cleared her of her allergy and declared her Not Allergic Anymore.

It's weird. We've been cautious about it for practically her whole existence, and now...?

Sure, she could tolerate two tablespoons, but what if she had more? I kept asking the allergist if we still needed to worry, if there was any possibility of a reaction sometime in the future."What if she goes crazy on Halloween and eats, I don't know, a whole bunch of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups?" I asked.

The allergist reassured me a future reaction to any amount of peanut butter was extremely unlikely, and "besides, two tablespoons is an entire adult serving and I don't think she could eat much more than that."

Good to know I guess, but obviously she does not know my children because they absolutely could and would.

—7—

I must be getting old because I feel like this just happened a couple of weeks ago, but it's that time of year again for the semi-annual broadcast from my church called general conference. (Or 'General Conference' if you're Mormon, because I noticed we're kind of a capitalization-happy people.)

Many of my readers know and love our conference snacks tradition, where the kids put pictures of church leaders on different snack foods and get to eat that one when that person speaks. But even more than the snacks I'm looking forward to the peace and recalibration that always comes at conference time, without fail.

Whether you're Mormon or not, I'd love for you to tune in for some or all of it this weekend using any of the bajillion methods listed here. Maybe I'm biased, but I really do believe that God often speaks through the prophet and apostles who lead the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

And if you're curious about general conference or why Mormons have a prophet or what that even means, this short article is a good place to start.

Have a good weekend, everybody!

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The Teenager Registry for Parents During the 55th Trimester

Congratulations! You've reached the 55th trimester and you know what that means: your baby just turned 13 years old.

This trimester, your baby is the size of a prize-winning gourd at the county fair and is developing body hair, mood swings, and rampant acne. Super-fun!

At this time you should be thinking about creating a teenager registry. Just like when they were newborns, having the right gear will help you muddle through the rewarding and somewhat challenging trimesters ahead.

Bulk Package of Paper Lunch Bags for Hyperventilating Into

Sometimes you need help remaining calm when your teenager mentions his plans to skip college and focus on growing his YouTube channel following. That's normal. I advise registering for the largest package available in the event that your teen comes home from school and shares what his/her lunch table friends are saying about sex.

Toothpicks in a Decorative Travel Container

Keep these handy in the car for propping your eyes open as you drive around picking your teenager up from late-night parties! Since this will be your first time venturing outdoors after 8 P.M. in 10 years, expect some disorientation and/or vertigo.

Copious Amounts of Bubble Wrap

In the coming years your child will suffer from social disasters, fail tests for which they studied hard, be picked on for their appearance and other things they can't control, and probably date at least one person who is not a very good human being. From one mother to another, packing your teen in bubble wrap is a completely valid option.

Crash Helmet In Your Size

Arguing with your teenager is shockingly similar to bashing your head against a brick wall, so it makes sense to equip yourself with a certified safety helmet. Bonus: when your teen insists on rehashing non-negotiable issues, leaving the room and reappearing wearing your crash helmet effectively shuts down any further conversation.

Hazmat Suit

Personally, I wouldn't recommend entering your teen's room without the full-body protection of a hazmat suit. If you didn't hang on to yours from your diaper-changing days, you will definitely want to add one to your teenager registry. They're pricey, but well worth it when you're wading through piles of rumpled clothing and crusty plates and bowls that are busily growing the entire cast of Fraggle Rock.

A Nice, Thick Memory Foam Pillow

I'll bet you thought this was for sleeping — it's not (see #2.) What's important here is the sound-dampening qualities of the pillow, as you'll be shutting yourself in the closet and screaming into it after a polite request to unload the dishwasher escalates into your teen threatening to seek legal emancipation.

A Set of Blinders (The Kind for Horses)

When your teen is doing the end-of-term history project in a way that doesn't make any sense, it's natural to want to dispense your expert advice. Warning: it's a trap. Your teen doesn't want your input unless specifically asked. Literally the only thing you can do is look away. (Incidentally, the blinders also come in handy shielding you from your teen's eye rolls if you do offer unsolicited opinions on said project.)

Illuminated "TAXI" Sign for the Roof of Your Vehicle

All parents of teenagers need this attractive and durable car-mounted sign! Consider investing in a fare meter and giving rides to paying passengers as well, bringing in much-needed funds to cover the wear and tear to your vehicle. (You should replace your timing belt every 60k miles, which you'll easily put on in a week when your teen has track, play practice, band, church youth activities, study group, and an after-school job she cannot drive herself to.)

Magic 8 Ball to Give Incredibly Vague Responses to All Your Questions

photo courtesy of bark via Flickr Creative Commons

Pepper the Magic 8 Ball with questions like "How was your day? Did you have fun? Who was there? What time will you be home?" and receive monosyllabic answers or noncommittal responses ("Reply hazy, try again!") This retro novelty toy is a great substitute for grilling your teen when he isn't available, probably because he's at one of his 127 extra-curricular activities.

Custom Emojis for Communicating with Your Teen

Text will become your primary method of communicating with your teen, which is why it's critical to download the right emojis. Specifically, you're looking for ones that can convey complicated emotions such as "I trust you but am somewhat doubtful of your ability to make good decisions in this specific scenario, especially if Jessica is going to be there."

Happy Face Mask to Disguise Your Sentimental Ugly Cry

What teen wants the mortifying experience of having his/her mom come down with feelings at inopportune moments (such as ever)? This all-purpose happy face mask provides full coverage for your quavering chin and tear-filled eyes, allowing you to be overcome with emotion without letting everyone know you're this close to completely losing it at high school graduation.

Again, congratulations on your teenage bundle of joy, and when things get tough just remember: the first 75 trimesters are the hardest!

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