The Teenager Registry for Parents During the 55th Trimester

Congratulations! You've reached the 55th trimester and you know what that means: your baby just turned 13 years old.

This trimester, your baby is the size of a prize-winning gourd at the county fair and is developing body hair, mood swings, and rampant acne. Super-fun!

At this time you should be thinking about creating a teenager registry. Just like when they were newborns, having the right gear will help you muddle through the rewarding and somewhat challenging trimesters ahead.

Bulk Package of Paper Lunch Bags for Hyperventilating Into

Sometimes you need help remaining calm when your teenager mentions his plans to skip college and focus on growing his YouTube channel following. That's normal. I advise registering for the largest package available in the event that your teen comes home from school and shares what his/her lunch table friends are saying about sex.

Toothpicks in a Decorative Travel Container

Keep these handy in the car for propping your eyes open as you drive around picking your teenager up from late-night parties! Since this will be your first time venturing outdoors after 8 P.M. in 10 years, expect some disorientation and/or vertigo.

Copious Amounts of Bubble Wrap

In the coming years your child will suffer from social disasters, fail tests for which they studied hard, be picked on for their appearance and other things they can't control, and probably date at least one person who is not a very good human being. From one mother to another, packing your teen in bubble wrap is a completely valid option.

Crash Helmet In Your Size

Arguing with your teenager is shockingly similar to bashing your head against a brick wall, so it makes sense to equip yourself with a certified safety helmet. Bonus: when your teen insists on rehashing non-negotiable issues, leaving the room and reappearing wearing your crash helmet effectively shuts down any further conversation.

Hazmat Suit

Personally, I wouldn't recommend entering your teen's room without the full-body protection of a hazmat suit. If you didn't hang on to yours from your diaper-changing days, you will definitely want to add one to your teenager registry. They're pricey, but well worth it when you're wading through piles of rumpled clothing and crusty plates and bowls that are busily growing the entire cast of Fraggle Rock.

A Nice, Thick Memory Foam Pillow

I'll bet you thought this was for sleeping — it's not (see #2.) What's important here is the sound-dampening qualities of the pillow, as you'll be shutting yourself in the closet and screaming into it after a polite request to unload the dishwasher escalates into your teen threatening to seek legal emancipation.

A Set of Blinders (The Kind for Horses)

When your teen is doing the end-of-term history project in a way that doesn't make any sense, it's natural to want to dispense your expert advice. Warning: it's a trap. Your teen doesn't want your input unless specifically asked. Literally the only thing you can do is look away. (Incidentally, the blinders also come in handy shielding you from your teen's eye rolls if you do offer unsolicited opinions on said project.)

Illuminated "TAXI" Sign for the Roof of Your Vehicle

All parents of teenagers need this attractive and durable car-mounted sign! Consider investing in a fare meter and giving rides to paying passengers as well, bringing in much-needed funds to cover the wear and tear to your vehicle. (You should replace your timing belt every 60k miles, which you'll easily put on in a week when your teen has track, play practice, band, church youth activities, study group, and an after-school job she cannot drive herself to.)

Magic 8 Ball to Give Incredibly Vague Responses to All Your Questions

photo courtesy of bark via Flickr Creative Commons

Pepper the Magic 8 Ball with questions like "How was your day? Did you have fun? Who was there? What time will you be home?" and receive monosyllabic answers or noncommittal responses ("Reply hazy, try again!") This retro novelty toy is a great substitute for grilling your teen when he isn't available, probably because he's at one of his 127 extra-curricular activities.

Custom Emojis for Communicating with Your Teen

Text will become your primary method of communicating with your teen, which is why it's critical to download the right emojis. Specifically, you're looking for ones that can convey complicated emotions such as "I trust you but am somewhat doubtful of your ability to make good decisions in this specific scenario, especially if Jessica is going to be there."

Happy Face Mask to Disguise Your Sentimental Ugly Cry

What teen wants the mortifying experience of having his/her mom come down with feelings at inopportune moments (such as ever)? This all-purpose happy face mask provides full coverage for your quavering chin and tear-filled eyes, allowing you to be overcome with emotion without letting everyone know you're this close to completely losing it at high school graduation.

Again, congratulations on your teenage bundle of joy, and when things get tough just remember: the first 75 trimesters are the hardest!

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