Friday, September 28, 2018

7 Quick Takes about Full-Service Gas Stations, Raising a Future Magazine Editor, and Port-a-Potty Slogans That Probably Won't Catch On

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

1


I used to hate full service gas stations. I could hardly think of anything that felt more awkward and pretentious than sitting there on my royal behind like Meghan Markle waiting for the commoners to pump my gasoline.

That was obviously before I had kids and had to do everything for everybody. Now I LOVE full-serve gas stations. There's one a few towns over and I don't visit often, but every time I do it feels like a trip to the freaking spa.

After the guy pumped my gas, he looked at my 2- and 4-year-olds in the backseat and asked if they'd like suckers. He grabbed two and as he handed them to me, I asked "So how many kids do you have?"

"Two girls," he answered. "How did you know I had kids?"

Because this:

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Automatically grabbing two of the same color so the kids won't fight? You learn that stuff on the first day of Parenting 101.

2


I found a copy of The Friend, the kids' magazine published by our church, lying on the coffee table. It was open to a story about sharing and getting along called "A Real Hero."

Someone had grabbed a pen and taken the liberty of "fixing" the story illustration:

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Instead of "Super Jake says no fighting," the main character is now shaking his money-maker on the couch yelling, "Hey everyone, look at my dance!" and the other kids are saying, "Hey, that's awesome!" and "Super-cool."

So I'd say we're getting our money's worth out of our yearly subscription.

3


I was reading the weekly soccer email from my 1st grader's coach, barely skimming over the reminders at the end because they said exactly what you'd expect reminders in an email from the soccer coach to say:

  • Don't forget to bring a water bottle
  • No jewelry allowed during games
  • Please ask your child not to eat grass during practice
Wait, what?

That one made me go back and read more carefully. Apparently, there are some "grazers" on our team and their snacking habits were bothering the coaches (I assume because of pesticides and stuff on the field, not just because it's weird.)

I'm almost afraid to ask my daughter if it was her. I don't think I want to know.

4


Every time we're at a soccer field or park lately, my toddler has been dragging me to the port-a-potty.

He's newly potty trained so I'm willing to cut the kid some slack, but come on — half the time he doesn't even go! I don't understand the appeal of locking yourself in a tiny, stinky plastic prison cell when you could be playing at the playground, but I guess you have to be 2 to get it.

Just yesterday, we went to a row of port-a-potties with the slogan "A Potty to Rent for Every Event!" stamped across the doors. My 12-year-old thought it was hilarious.

"It must be hard to write port-a-potty slogans," she thought out loud. "I mean, what do you say about port-a-potties? 'Come sit in a box full of poop!'"

I think we can rule out a career in marketing for one of our children, though I won't say which one.

5


I'm not going to lie, I'm having a hard transition with this school year. Now that we've got a high schooler it seems like there are so many after-school activities, the older kids stay up as late as we do, and every day starts at 5 AM getting people up and out the door.

I feel exhausted and on-call 24 hours a day, way more than when the kids were all little, and I'm really struggling trying to figure out how to fit in things like sleep and talking to my husband.

The other day I said "Hi, how are you doing?" to someone and she randomly started talking about how she needs to be patient with herself during transitions, and I think that was probably God telling me I need to be patient with myself during this transition, too.

It may take a little while to find our groove during this season of life, and that's okay. If not, I suppose it will at least get better in a few years when my oldest gets her license and can drive herself to her 5,042 extra-curriculars.

6


Twice a week, Phillip plays basketball with a group of guys but when he limped through the door a half-hour earlier than usual on Saturday I knew something was wrong.

He'd jumped and come down on someone else's foot, rolled his ankle and sprained it. After a few hours of pain killers and ice it was looking swollen and blue in strange places, so he agreed to go in and have it looked at to make sure nothing was broken.

Someone had to stay home to shuttle the kids to and from soccer and work, so he drove himself to urgent care on his bad foot for X-rays, where they told him that everything was fine and he was just being a giant baby (his words, not theirs.)

His foot is getting a little better every day, but you should see the gigantic bruise he's rocking right now. I was going to post a picture but then I realized that a closeup of a hairy, size 10.5 man's foot is actually pretty gross all on its own and this isn't really that kind of blog, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

7


"I hate the food chain," my daughter told me the other day.

"Okay," I said. "Why?"

She explained that she feels bad when she sees bugs stuck in a spiderweb and wants to free them, but then the spider would go hungry and she would feel bad for the spider.

Funny, because I have a visceral "kill it!!!!" reaction whenever I see a spider but I usually don't because they get rid of annoying bugs which are the only things worse than spiders.

So pretty much the same sentiment there. Clearly the children get their empathy for other living creatures from me.

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Thursday, September 27, 2018

30 Ideas of Things To Do Besides Scrub Urine Out of the Carpet

Potty training my toddler was rough, and by "rough" I mean by Day 3 I'd fashioned a carpet cleaner holster on my belt and depleted every retailer in a 10-mile radius of paper towels like I was stocking up for the Apocalypse.

He eventually figured things out.

Of course I'm thrilled that both my toddler and my floors are staying dry, but it's triggered an unexpected existential crisis: I've been effectively fired from my full-time job scrubbing urine out of the carpet, and now I have no idea what to do with myself.

After your toddler is potty trained, what do you do with all your free time now that you're not cleaning up accidents all day long? If you’ve ever potty trained a child, you’ll laugh your butt off at this hilarious list. #pottytraininghumor #toddlers #funny #parenting
After your toddler is potty trained, what do you do with all your free time now that you're not cleaning up accidents all day long? If you’ve ever potty trained a child, you’ll laugh your butt off at this hilarious list. #pottytraininghumor #toddlers #funny #parenting
After your toddler is potty trained, what do you do with all your free time now that you're not cleaning up accidents all day long? If you’ve ever potty trained a child, you’ll laugh your butt off at this hilarious list. #pottytraininghumor #toddlers #funny #parenting

Now that I'm no longer the household CEO (Chief Excreta Officer) I'm just an idiot standing there with a spray bottle of Spot Shot wondering what to do with all my free time. I suppose I could:

Alphabetize my high school CD collection. You never know when the time will be right to throw on the soundtrack for 10 Things I Hate About You.

Do some detailed yardwork, like trimming the grass with scissors. Actually, I've spent so many years scrubbing Number One out of the carpet I'm not sure we even have grass anymore. Let me check on that and get back to you.

Sort the kids' Lego bin by size, color, shape, and frequency of use. To be clear, the kids still prefer to find Legos using the "dump it out" method, but that's not the point. The point is that it's time-consuming and I can.

Spend all day taking Buzzfeed quizzes. Sooo excited to find out what my patronus is based on my favorite salad dressing.

Comb the Internet for news articles with comment sections. Ruthlessly correct everyone's grammar and spelling.

Go through all the PTA handouts my older kids bring home. I've been too busy cleaning up human waste to read them, and even if I had read them I couldn't have donated or come in to volunteer because my wallet and car keys were buried under a pile of sopping wet underpants.

Finally finish my kids' baby books and read them out loud to telemarketers in excruciating detail. Being done with diapers makes me 12 shades of emotional so look out, timeshare guys.

Read all the emails in my spam folder. While I was hunting down suspicious puddles throughout the house, I've missed out on numerous inheritances from wealthy Nigerians to whom I'm somehow distantly related.

Train the fruit flies that have invaded the house. Next, I will Google how it's possible that fruit flies have a life span of 5 minutes but I'm dealing with them for a month after letting a banana go soft.

Become a devout follower of Pinterest cleaning schedules. This probably won't happen. (See the fruit flies.)

Lovingly stroke the washing machine and talk about all the things we used to do together. So many pairs of soiled underwear. So many memories.

Take up decorative glass blowing. I hear it's an insanely involved hobby. Plus, a house with a toddler can never have too many swirly-colored breakable things that serve no practical purpose.

Read the unabridged 1,500-page version of Les Misérables, carefully looking for personal messages from Victor Hugo.

Write, produce, and direct an original animated short about a woman who has finished potty training her kid and literally does not know what to do with herself now.

Start ironing everything. Even socks.

Master the art of Chinese calligraphy. Once I've put in the 10,000 hours Malcolm Gladwell recommends, I can hand-letter invites to an ironing party.

Start obsessively buying and hoarding school fundraiser items. Become known as "crazy candle lady" amongst the neighborhood children and quickly amass a lifetime supply of wrapping paper.

Memorize the produce codes at Safeway and on weekends, hang around customer service quizzing the employees. And no, I don't have anything better to do.

Take night classes on taxidermy. Seriously, I have time for the entire continuing education course catalog now. Sign me up for everything.

Carve miniature donkeys out of soap. Why donkeys? Why not!? I'm done potty training!!!

Memorize all 7,000 entries on the list of government-approved baby names in Denmark. This could be an interesting conversation-starter. It's been a while since I talked to anyone but the Walgreen's cashier while he rings up my carpet cleaner and Advil.

Make up an imaginary political office and run for it. I'm talking campaign signs, door-to-door visits, meet and greets, kissing babies... the whole nine yards. I'm really not very busy at the moment.

Open an Etsy store to sell floor rugs woven with hair I collected from my hairbrush. After a week of talking and thinking about nothing but scat, my nerves are a little frazzled. I could use the meditative repetition of hand-weaving a 10' by 12' tapestry.

Embroider inspirational sayings on all my dishtowels. Because sometimes we all need a reminder to live, laugh, love.

Make mixed tapes of popular boy band music from the 1990s and hand them out on the subway like religious tracts. Today's teenagers don't know what they're missing.

Sew tiny Halloween costumes for neighborhood squirrels. Will it be easy? No. Will it be worth it? Also no. But it's not like I'm doing anything else.

Buy a traffic guard vest and stand at random intersections to help people cross. It's called citizenship. Look it up.

Use shadow puppets to act out the 1941 cinematic classic Citizen Kane. My son may not appreciate it, but up until just recently he didn't appreciate dry underwear, either, so what does he know?

Sculpt my likeness in butter and use it as a holiday centerpiece. Thanks to all the time I have on my hands now, I will win Thanksgiving this year.

Translate the entire works of Shakespeare into Pig Latin. It's tedious work, but someone has to do it. More accurately,  have to do something  and this is the best I could come up with. It's hard thinking up 30 activities that have nothing to do with cleaning up pee accidents after the life I've led.

Life feels different without 18 loads of laundry and a sofa to clean every day, but I think these suggestions could help me pass the time.

Or some of it, at least.

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Friday, September 21, 2018

7 Quick Takes about Picking Other People's Noses, Thoughts on Pirates, and Where to Go If You Need A Hundred Styrofoam Heads for Some Reason

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

1


My middle schooler loves to write, and she just came up with the idea to do a weekly writing challenge where we both use the same writing prompt to create a few pages and then compare.

I haven't done any fiction writing for years, but I think this could be fun. She found a site that is so off-the-wall called Writing Prompts That Don't Suck and pulled some ideas off of there.

We'll start this weekend. I just hope the first prompt we get is easier than: "Make this the first sentence of your story: 'Sonia walked into the office with a vague feeling that the new copyeditor was, in fact, a lizard person.'" Seriously. It's right there.

2


The other day I was — how shall I put this delicately? — grooming my 2-year-old when I noticed a booger in his nose. Without consciously thinking about it, I removed it with what I had on hand. Which was my hand.

"EEEEWWWWW! That's so gross!" the older kids chorused.

"I'm never going to pick my kids' boogers," the 12-year-old announced.

Oh, really. Well, I want to get that in writing because she 100% will pick her kids' boogers someday (and probably their crusty little cradle caps, too) and when that day comes I'd like to present her with a framed copy.

3


I don't know how it slipped my mind, but Wednesday this week was International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Luckily, this poster at the library reminded me just in time:

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
So punny.

Now, I love a good sea shanty from time to time. Who doesn't? But did you ever think about how it's kind of strange that preschoolers run around pretending to be pirates and we're like "that's so cute!"

It's not like pirates were mostly nice guys and in light of that we forgive the extra bit about the plundering and pillaging. That's literally the definition of a pirate.

They're like, really bad guys.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Actual pirates getting busted by the Navy. Yo ho ho!
photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Not that my kids don't have a pirate steering wheel from Home Depot attached to our playset in the backyard at this very moment.

It's just weird when you think about it, that's all.

4


In honor of International Talk Like a Pirate Day, the kids had a holiday from school.

Just kidding, I'm pretty sure it was because of Yom Kippur.

Though the school district did leave it intentionally vague so I guess we'll all need to draw our own conclusions.

5


My 12-year-old daughter celebrated the holiday by going to the dentist to have a cavity filled.

Meanwhile, my 2-year-old celebrated by having tantrums at the train table in the waiting room because the magnets kept repelling each other and life is meaningless.

At the end of her appointment my daughter politely refused taking something from the "prize box," but our pediatric dentist convinced her to take a look before making her decision and she ended up coming out with this:

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Meet her new keychain, Poopsie.

I'm normally not a fan of poop emoji merchandise, but I have to agree if there ever was an appropriate occasion for a poop emoji it's probably having some guy poke around in your mouth with an electric drill.

6


I wasn't looking for blogging material when I went to the thrift store this week, but they found me.

My son was less than impressed when I suggested we buy him this size 10 bathrobe that said #DUDE on the back, probably because we're not a bathrobe family.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Start your day with swagger!

Then my 6-year-old asked about this bin full of styrofoam heads. I told her they were for displaying merchandise like hats or wigs, but then I got to wondering just how many small business owners are actually shopping at Savers for their office supplies so really, what ARE they for?

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
If you would buy one of these, please comment below with why.

Hanging over the Halloween costume accessories at the register was this sign, which I don't even know why but I loved it so much.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

On a side note, Phillip's mom just bought tickets to come visit us the week before Halloween.

I'm looking forward to her being here with all her crafting and seamstress skills to bail me out of the mess I'll probably get myself into promising to whip up a functioning R2D2 costume from scratch using lint I found in the dryer.

7


While playing a board game with my 4- and 6-year-olds, my 4-year-old randomly said "When I grow up, I'm going to be a grandpa!"

I laughed and said you have to be a dad before you can be a grandpa.

"Okay," he said, amending his list, "When I grow up I'm going to be a dad. And a policeman. A policeman, a fireman, a dad, an artist, and a science teacher."

Then my 6-year-old piped up with "I'm going to be a gymnast, a ballerina, a vet, and a pianist."

"And a mom, right?"

"Yeah," she agreed quickly, "Because I want to have four kids and name them Billy, Jilly, Billy, and Joe."

"Wait  you're going to have two kids named Billy?"

Nodding, she explained "They're gonna be twins."

My life plans were not nearly so specific when I was 6. This girl is going places.

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Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Potty Training Was a Little Rough This Time Around

My 2-year-old has been ready to potty train for a while.

He can tell when he has to pee.

He knows the whole sequence of pants down, go, pants up, dump, flush, and wash hands from watching his older brother.

He even occasionally uses the potty himself when the mood strikes him.

I thought since he was so close already, plus I'd already been through it with his 5 older siblings, potty training my 2-year-old was going to be one of the easiest things I'd ever done.

This just in: I'm an idiot.

We swear by a one-day potty bootcamp method, so we circled last Tuesday on the calendar and planned on having one more member of the Evans family enjoying complete control over his bodily functions by that evening.

What actually happened that evening is that he squatted over his dad's work shoes and peed in them.

'Badly' does not even begin to cover how boot camp went.

At one point I was actually thrilled when he peed on the hardwood floor instead of the carpet, so I guess you could say things weren't going well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
I had even made plans for Thursday thinking he'd be trained. I was so naive.

I didn't realize this when he was in diapers, but the kid has a bladder that would make Fort Knox jealous.

When your potty training strategy depends on pumping him full of liquids so he gets to practice going to the bathroom all morning, that's a problem.

"Time to sit on the potty!" I'd say after he'd had almost a full quart (!) of juice, and he would but nothing happened.

After discussing how awesome the potty was over a mid-morning snack and then again over a floor puzzle of ocean creatures, I'd ask "Do you have to pee now?"

"No," he'd reply, casually flipping the page in a Sandra Boynton book with one ankle crossed over his other leg, giving off a faint GQ model vibe — if GQ models sat around in Lightning McQueen undies and had ridiculously large bellies from chugging 32 fluid ounces of white grape juice.

After two hours, he sneaked upstairs and peed on his sisters' carpet.

By the end of our one-day potty training boot camp, we only had a 50% success rate, and even then he wasn't initiating trips to the potty on his own.

Wednesday was even worse. Our success rate collapsed to 0%. At one point I realized I was actually thrilled when he peed on the hardwood floor instead of the carpet, A.K.A. things were not going well.

During his waking hours I sprayed 409 Pet Stain Remover on the rug and dreamed about running away to join the circus, and while he was napping I Googled "potty training hell" hoping that reading the misfortunes of those worse off would prevent me from actually running away to join the circus.

(The stories here and here helped, but I still felt pretty sorry for myself.)

I was so close to giving up that I didn't even mention potty training in my 7 Quick Takes Friday recap, even though I'd spent the better part of my week grossly exaggerating how cool mommy and daddy think the potty is (and watching my toddler urinate on the carpet regardless.)

Believe me, I'm not a quitter. But I seriously considered quitting this so-called potty training, which was beginning to look a lot like just me doing extra laundry.

At one point I was actually thrilled when he peed on the hardwood floor instead of the carpet, so I guess you could say things weren't going well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Yay for removing and washing all the couch cushions! Hip hip hooray!

What if we just went back to diapers? Pretended this whole thing never happened? Tom Cruise did it with the couch-jumping incident on Oprah and his career recovered. It was an option.

But no, I decided after WAY too much deliberation that the 2-year-old was ready and this thing was going to happen. He just didn't get a chance to really nail it during boot camp so we were going to start over and do it one more time.

And it went better.

A little.

On Friday, we took a successfully dry trip to the grocery store. We ran into an acquaintance there and during our conversation I gestured to my son and mentioned that "this was our first trip out of the house in underwear," not realizing until afterward I should've clarified that I did NOT actually mean for both of us.

On Saturday, we went to the library and didn't even need the three extra outfits I'd packed in my purse in a fit of paranoia beforehand.

Even though the lack of accidents was mostly due to his iron bladder rather than any particular commitment to depositing anything in a toilet, I rejoiced.

On Sunday he made it through two hours of nursery at church, and by Monday he was actually getting himself to the potty on his own when nature called, more often than not.

And on Tuesday, one week after beginning this adventure, he had his first accident-free day.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. 

Maybe I want you to know I can be stubborn, even more stubborn than a stubborn 2-year-old.

Maybe I want to encourage you not to give up when the crap is figuratively or literally hitting the fan, the floor, and your husband's work shoes.

Maybe I just want you to suffer through each painful detail as I had to do. I'm not above that.

Whatever it is, though, I think we're on the road to a fully-trained child.

And because the 2-year-old is our youngest, I'm left with a package of diapers that will probably never get used up (though he still wears them at night) and, ironically, really missing that ridiculously poofy diaper bum I used to see waddling through the house.

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Monday, September 17, 2018

From the Self-Help Section of My Toddler's Bookshelf

I was in my kids' room, straightening bed linens and surreptitiously sniffing for pee accidents no one told me about when I noticed something different about my toddler's bookshelf.

Little Blue Truck and Green Eggs and Ham were there, just like always, but there were also a bunch of new books I'd never seen before.

It wasn't until I leaned in for a closer look at the dust jackets that I realized I'd stumbled across my toddler's self-help collection.

If your toddler had a self-help collection, what would you find there? Probably a hilarious collection of thoughts and advice for 2-year-olds on tantrums, snacking, and generally driving your parents crazy. #parentinghumor #toddlers #sofunny #2yearolds #toddlertruths

Anger Management for Dummies


Does a broken graham cracker make fire shoot out of your eyes? Ever caused property damage over a suggestion to put on pants? Do you often find yourself carried to bed doing bicycle kicks while your parents mutter bad words under their breath? There's hope. In these pages, find help and healing for your explosive rage triggered by basically everything.

The 7 Habits of Highly Destructive People


Increase your demolition power by up to 80% with tips on prioritizing your time out of your caregiver's eyesight and throwing food for maximum splatter. Includes a handy pocket identification guide for expensive and/or irreplaceable things. Wreak more havoc before 9 AM than most people do all day!

A Step-By-Step Illustrated Guide to DIY Diaper Removal


"It's empowering knowing I can streak through the house butt-naked at any time!"
-Maddisyn DeSilva, Instagram star, 18 months

"Not only do I have limited motor skills and parents trying to outsmart me, I also can't see past my own distended belly. I almost gave up trying to take off my own diaper, but this guide was a total game-changer."
-Trevon Finley, spokesperson, Baby Civil Liberties Union

"Informative and straightforward, Diaper Removal is pure gold."
-Camden Savage, columnist and book reviewer at Esquire, Jr.

Natural Eating: A Guide to Foraging for Food in Your Own Bodily Orifices


Do you really know where your food comes from? Why settle for pureed mystery meat from Beech-Nut or the unfamiliar ingredients in organic fruit pouches when there's home-grown food just a nostril away? It's time to reclaim the term 'picky eater' and join the revolution.

You, Too, Can Make a Masterpiece 


Move over, Bob Ross! World-renowned art instructor Cedric Schmidt teaches you how to create full-size wall murals using whatever is on hand: your sister's crayons, a Sharpie you found under the fridge, or even fecal material!

The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook: Escaping from Cribs, Baby Gates, Playpens, and More


So you found yourself stuck in baby jail  now what? This definitive resource for junior escape artists will show you how to stay calm, evaluate your surroundings, and devise an exit strategy from any type of baby containment device... or your money back.

The Power of Public Meltdowns


Stop whining in Target like an amateur and start making demands and getting results with these never-before-shared insider secrets for leveraging:
  • Your Parents' Crushing Self-Doubt 
  • Judgment from Strangers 
  • Social Humiliation 
  • And More!
Want an outrageously-priced package of organic cookies or a cheaply-made toy you'll never look at again after you get home? Using the techniques in this book, whatever you want is yours in as little as 3-5 minutes.

As We Change the Diaper, the Diaper Also Changes Us: Zen Meditations From Pre-K


With this beautiful anthology from the world's youngest spiritual teachers and philosophers, discover a peace that reaches deeper than the white noise app on your moms' phone. Varied and insightful, these words of wisdom all converge on one universal truth: diaper changes come and go, but lasting change comes from within.

She Who Bites Hardest Gets the Toys: The New and Updated Playdate Guide for the 21st Century


WARNING: THIS IS NOT YOUR MAMA'S PLAYBOOK. Throw out yesterday's rules and pick up this modern girl's guide to playdating in the 21st century! Written for social butterflies and wallflowers alike, this book includes sections on posing for social media photos of your playdate, the best self-defense moves to avoid sharing, and epic meltdowns when it's time to go home.

**Note: I'm not sure why this is in my toddler's bookshelf, as he is a boy.

The Joy of Snacks


From the best-selling author of Joy of Sex comes a new just-for-toddlers compendium devoted to the world's greatest pleasure: snacks. This thoughtful reference delves into the pros and cons of incorporating food groups other than grains, the ethics of making your parents individually peel your grapes like Grecian slaves, and how to cope when you granola bar gets broken and is therefore completely inedible.

Frommer's Guide to Public Restrooms


With inviting full-color photos, Frommer's Guide to Public Restrooms covers must-see attractions like the feminine hygiene box, the filthy floor, and more! Learn to touch everything in sight and open the door while your mom's pants are down with this travel guide to every toddler's favorite destination.


After browsing for a few minutes I was interrupted by a crash downstairs, which turned out to be my toddler trying out the parkour techniques from the sidebar on page 56 of Emergency Room Visits for Beginners.

I don't mean to brag, but he's so well-read.

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Friday, September 14, 2018

7 Quick Takes about Filling a Bucket, Trying Not To Get Over-Excited, and Polite Fender-Benders at the Grocery Store

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

1


Since the start of school 8 days ago I feel like my kids have been bringing home an inordinate number of forms for me to sign.

I don't mind when they're in elementary school because at that age they're more like little UPS packages than people and signatures must be had.

But my high schooler  I repeat, my high schooler  has brought home forms from almost every one of her classes requiring my signature saying that I read the classroom policies.

Look guys, I don't even read the iTunes terms and conditions, and that's something that might actually be beneficial for me to know.

I don't need to know her classroom policies. I don't want to know her classroom policies. I already did 9th grade. It's my daughter's job now.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Checking the second option so hard I almost tore through the paper.

One of the forms did ask me to mark either "I've read the rules" or "I trust my kid" before signing. I'm not sure if this makes me feel better or worse.

2


There's this book called Have You Filled a Bucket Today? It's about how everyone has an invisible bucket of good feelings inside, and our elementary school uses it to talk about kindness and encourage the kids to be "bucket fillers."

The day they introduced the concept, my 6-year-old came home and told her 4-year-old brother, "You're a bucket filler!"

Not knowing what she was talking about and deciding to fire back with something he figured was equally random, he retorted, "You're a pants filler!"

I could not stop laughing long enough to explain to either one what was so funny.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
I will never hear this phrase the same way again.

3


Time is weird. I've written about the motherhood time warp before, and I'll never be able to understand how one day you're dressing your baby in adorable hoodies with animal ears and then somehow you find yourself buying that same kid a 3-pack of Sexy Basics shorts on Amazon.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
I promise you these were not sexy at all. For starters, as you can see in this picture, the shorts were the color of a rotting butternut squash.

Luckily, the sexy factor is not why I bought the shorts. I intended them to be for running.

My daughter said they were too ugly for that but an acceptable level of ugly for pajamas. So I guess it turned out okay in the end.

4


This is a little premature so I'm trying not to be too excited but I AM SO EXCITED that my 6-year-old may have grown out of her peanut allergy.

Her skin test at the allergist came out negative, so she went to the lab for blood work which also came back negative. The next step is to take her back to the allergist for a food challenge, where she'll eat increasing amounts of peanut butter until she either reacts or gets the all-clear to eat ALL THE SNICKERS.

I'm cautiously optimistic; she had promising lab work a few years ago and still miserably failed the food challenge so it's not a sure thing yet. Wish us luck.

5


I watched the 1995 Jumanji with my kids at one of their friends' houses. It was actually the friend's 4th birthday and that, out of all possible movies, was his viewing request. I don't understand children.

Fast-forward to several hours later, when Phillip and I were trying to get to sleep. I'm famous for thinking of things to talk about after lights-out, and Phillip is famous for being tired, so it's kind of a bad combination.

"I don't get Jumanji," I said after maybe 10 minutes of lying there in the dark. "Why did someone make that game in the first place? What's the point?"

"It's not important," Phillip mumbled sleepily from underneath a pillow.

"Well, obviously it wasn't, based on the fact that the movie never addressed it at all  "

"No, I mean it's not important that you don't understand Jumanji right now."

Phillip can be such a killjoy after 11 PM.

6


I saw the wold's politest car accident in the parking lot at Market Basket. A gray car backed into another car a few yards away from me, leaving no dents but it did leave a streak of paint on the door.

The two drivers, both older men, slowly opened their doors and got out. Very slowly, they moseyed around the cars to assess the damage.

"It's okay, don't worry about it."

"You sure?"

"My brother's a body guy, if I want it fixed I'll ask him. It's not worth the hassle."

"Okay, then."

And then they both got in their cars and drove away.

Something tells me that from now on, whenever I read the comments on the Internet and start to think Earth is doomed, I'm going to remember those two guys and feel a lot better.

7


I wrote something I'm really proud of this week, a piece of feminist (or anti-feminist? I don't know) critique called It's the 21st Century and Women Can Be Anything. Almost.

Before Monday, it had been sitting in my drafts folder for at least 6 months. I worked hard on it and believed in my words, I just couldn't hit 'publish' because I thought it was too controversial.

Also, I have this thing about wanting everyone to like me and not call me a small-minded moron.

One night I just did it. I hit the orange 'publish' button and then ran away to bed so I couldn't change my mind. (And you know how I hate going to bed, so this must have been serious.)

When I checked my blog the next morning, it felt like picking up a cup under which I'd earlier trapped a really horrifying spider. But I saw that actually, it resonated with a lot of you, and that gave me confidence.

If you haven't already, I'd love for you to read, share, or leave a comment on this post. It's even okay if your friends read it and call me a small-minded moron. (Though, if I'm honest, I'd still prefer they didn't.)

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Monday, September 10, 2018

It's the 21st Century and Girls Can Grow Up to Be Anything. Almost.

Welcome to the 21st century! We have great news, because now you, my sister, can be whatever you want to be!

Unless what you want to be is a traditional wife and mother.

Then don't be that. We were just kidding.

A few weeks ago, my kids and I watched Zootopia for the first time. (I know, I know, we're a few years behind on popular culture. You don't need to point it out.)

The movie was clever and entertaining, and in a sense I really did enjoy it. The DMV staffed entirely by sloths was hilarious and made total sense of the world after waiting in my local social security office for an hour and 45 minutes to sign a single form.

There's just one thing feminism tells our girls they should not, cannot, must not be.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
photo credit

But Zootopia also packed some serious feminist commentary, and the irony was not lost on me that I was sitting right next to my kids as Disney told them with a hint-hint, wink-wink that my life spent raising them was a waste.

Let me explain.

Zootopia's main character, a bunny named Judy, dreams of becoming the first female police officer in the metropolis of Zooptopia, where the city motto is 'Where Anyone Can Be Anything.'

Her risk-averse parents don't want her to go, though. It's too dangerous. They want her to stay in Bunnyburrow, where they run a carrot farm and raise their hundreds of baby bunnies (rabbits, you know.)

Trying to talk her into staying, Judy's mom says "Do you know why we're so happy, Judy? Because we settled!"

"We settled hard," Judy's dad agrees, nodding vigorously.

The scene was done with humor and wit, but you read that right: they really did say that staying home and having babies is "settling."

Just why, in order for Judy to go to Zooptopia and shatter glass ceilings, does the movie have to make ignorant fools of the stay-at-home carrot farmers of the world? What's so wrong with making a life out of raising your bunnies, anyway?

It's clear that in Zootopia (and by extension, in our pop feminist version of Utopia,) the motto is Where Anyone Can Be Anything  with an asterisk, of course, reading: "except a traditional wife and mother."

I worry about a brand of feminism that teaches girls that choosing motherhood isn’t as important or valuable as choosing a career. No one ever reaches the end of their life and wishes they’d spent more time at the office – I certainly don’t want that for my daughters. #motherhood #girls

This fake narrative of women's liberation leaves women like me behind.

It tells our girls it's fantastic to be police officers (or lawyers or heart surgeons or whatever,) but being a stay-at-home mom makes you a backward country bumpkin who is settling for less.

I guess it's no longer politically correct to suggest that baby bunnies and carrot farms are still appealing to women in these liberated days, and yet my own experience and observation tells me it is.

Virtually every woman I know wants the bunny-and-carrot-farm experience, at least to some extent. Even the most professionally accomplished of them feel that their families, not their careers, are the most important achievements of their lives. Even Beyoncé says so.

There's just one thing feminism tells our girls they should not, cannot, must not be.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Not Beyoncé. This is a slightly blurry photo of me holding my son while he tries to escape.

When even Disney movies are telling my kids that being a judge or a scientist isn't simply another path for intelligent women to choose, but the only path worth taking, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried. There is so much more I want my kids, and particularly my daughters, to know.

I hope they know that paychecks and credentials don't define their worth.

I hope they know that choosing to raise a family is one of the most rewarding things they could ever do.

I hope they know they can truly be anything, without explanation or apology  and that includes, most especially, being the mothers of their children.
I worry about a brand of feminism that teaches girls that choosing motherhood isn’t as important or valuable as choosing a career. No one ever reaches the end of their life and wishes they’d spent more time at the office – I certainly don’t want that for my daughters. #motherhood #girls

I worry about a brand of feminism that teaches girls that choosing motherhood isn’t as important or valuable as choosing a career. No one ever reaches the end of their life and wishes they’d spent more time at the office – I certainly don’t want that for my daughters. #motherhood #girls


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Friday, September 7, 2018

7 Quick Takes about Confusing the Campground Staff, What We Mean When We Say "Behave," and a Finding a New Pocket in Your Pants

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

1


We are officially back in school and everyone is exhausted. Next week my teenager starts a before-school scripture study class so starting Monday, we'll have to get up even earlier. I don't want to think about it.

But on to the good news.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
I get a "first day of school" picture like this almost every year and love it.

If you've been following this blog for long you know that social expectations to helicopter over my kids drive me crazy, so I hated the rule last year that kindergartners had to be accompanied by a parent at the bus stop.

As if my 5-year-old would become so disoriented without me 6 inches from her at all times that she'd wander off into the woods and be lost forever.

Anyway, she starts 1st grade this year and the first thing the bus driver said when he pulled up was, "You don't have to wait with her, you can just drop her off."

Thanks, and I fully intend to.

2


Just days before school started, we squeezed in our annual summer camping trip with friends.

Our friends have 6 kids like we do and it's so much fun, but I wasn't sure they'd be able to make it this year because their 8-month-old has special needs and a lot of health concerns.

Our friends are troopers, though, and came anyway.

The forecast called for rain and they were worried about keeping the baby dry, so they called the campground ahead of time to see if there were some kind of indoor accommodations for him.

After looking up our reservation, the people on the phone were like, "Wait a minute, this can't be right. You have a family reservation for... sixteen people??"

3


Luckily, it all worked out beautifully. They let us use a campsite next to an administrative building that had electricity, A/C, and even a mini-fridge for the baby's milk. So everyone except the baby had a quintessential tent-camping experience, which was exactly the goal.

We had a great time but somehow, between our families we had a total of two non-working camping stoves. We had to improvise, cooking all our meals over the fire.

We made it work.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

After packing up the tents and all our gear we headed to a beach on the ocean before going home.

Despite Phillip freaking out about sharks, thus freaking me out, we made it the whole afternoon without anyone getting eaten so we can relax until we do this again next year.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

And then on the way back to the parking lot my flip flop broke, which seemed like a very appropriate (and slightly sad) symbol for the end of our vacation and for summer in general.

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Bring on the pumpkin-flavored everything.

4


My 14-year-old has been the "only" one not to have a cell phone in her school for the last three years (although I do know of at least one other girl who also doesn't have one.)

She's always gotten along just fine without a phone in the past, but in the last few months she's been starting to need one.

Her friends are all allergic to picking up a landline phone and speaking on it, and most of her after-school activities use text updates about games and practices. Plus I do a lot of taxiing and it's helpful for her to be able to tell me about schedule changes when they happen.

Over the summer we gave her some projects and her reward for successfully completing them was having access to a phone (it's "hers" for all intents and purposes, but since we pay the bill we own it and can taketh or giveth away if necessary.)

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
I was going to engrave these on stone tablets but I ran out of time.

I kind of miss the old times, but it's fun to watch her texting and I guess joining the rest of the 21st century.

5



My preschooler has been mishearing us when we tell him to "behave."

He hears it as "be have," like you would say "be good" or "be nice." So in his mind, we are telling him to be "have."

So when his little brother is acting up, we sometimes hear him indignantly shout, "Mom! He's not being have!"

6


My three youngest kids sequestered themselves in my room playing house the other day. When I came in with a load of clean laundry, the 2-year-old was sucking on a baby doll's bottle and being tucked in to my bed by my 4- and 6-year-old, who were apparently the mommy and the daddy.

"Get out! Get out!" shrieked the 4-year-old, not happy I was ruining their game by flicking the lights on to put away my socks.

"No, it's okay!" the 6-year-old reassured him. "That's just the maid."

Not sure if I should be happy she's adaptable and creative enough to incorporate me into her pretend play on the fly, or whether I should go on strike until someone starts paying the housekeeper.

7


I recently got a new calling at church teaching a room full of 2-year-olds in a nursery class after the service.

We play toys, have snacks, and try our best to teach a 3-minute lesson on Jesus while one of the kids tries to turn off the lights and run around screaming.

It's a lot like home, actually.

On Sunday one of the kids had a toy he brought from home, so I suggested he put it in his pocket so he didn't lose it.

He started searching his pants, which only had decorative "pockets" that weren't really pockets. Then he noticed his fly was open and happily announced "I found one!" and stuck the toy inside.

I love little kids.

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