Kid 1: Basketball from 8:30-10
Kid 2: Art class from 9:30-11:30
Kid 3: Basketball from 11-12
So basically, I drive around for four hours every Saturday morning picking somebody up or dropping them off. I mean, with that kind of schedule it's hard to even pretend like you intend to take a shower that day...
It won't be forever, but until the season ends, I thought it might help to draw up a little list of things I'd rather be doing than driving them all over creation:
- Throw on a pair of parachute pants and teach a classroom full of surly teenagers with smartphones how to Hammer Dance.
- Manually sort my kids' Lego collection by color, shape, and size.
- Watch the kids dump out the Legos 3.5 minutes later.
- Spend a day mastering the art of folding fitted sheets.
- Answer the phone when caller ID says "TELEMARKETER."
- Clean the crevices in and under the kids' car seats in the van.
- Email my social security number to the guy in Nigeria who wants to wire $7 million USD to my bank account.
- Lend my toothbrush to the kids for a day and then resume using it.
- Re-read the college textbooks I've been saving because I'm totally going to brush up on my Japanese someday. Totally.
- Individually remove all the seeds from a carton of strawberries.
- Sit on the toilet seat in the kids' bathroom without looking first.
- Retrieve all the lost socks and underwear behind the washing machine.
- Stop hitting the "skip ad" button before YouTube videos.
- Steam iron my clothes while I'm wearing them.
- Make a household rule that from now on, we're only allowed to speak if we can somehow tie it in to Minecraft.
- Sit through a 4th grade recorder recital. For someone else's child.
- Wake up to a toddler with a full diaper sitting on my face.
- Find out a way to get every article on the Internet delivered to me in slide show format.
- Swap the kids' car seats, just for fun. Every day.
- The following 3 occupations: stun gun test subject, Sistine Chapel ceiling fan duster, professional photographer for medical ailments on Google Images.
- Stare directly at the sun.
- Hang out at the E.R. waiting room trying to make friends.
- Get a "Sorry, my kids have lice [frowny face emoji]" text from the friend I babysat for yesterday.
- Go on a hunger strike until every last sock in this house has been matched.
- Do everything Pinterest tells me to for one week, no exceptions.
- Read all 72,536 pages of U.S. federal tax law. Out loud to my toddler, whether he likes it or not.
- Insist on hearing each and every last detail of my children's dreams from last night.
- Watch all the computer-animated Barbie movies ever made, back to back.
- Replace the water in my Neti Pot with Coca-Cola.
- Listen to my preschooler complain about how hard her life is as I scrub the inside of the trash can with a toddler pulling my hair. (Oh wait, I did that yesterday.)
There are many more things I'd rather do than drive my kids all over town, and let that be a lesson to me next time I'm tempted to sign up for... anything. Until then, it's Hammer Time.