Whether you're being dragged to your older sibling's softball game or just having a fun day at the playground, chances are there's a Port-a-Potty nearby!
Here's what you need to know to make the most of your visit:
|photo courtesy of Anthony Easton|
Step 1: Time your request right. Shoot for approximately 6-8 minutes after you've arrived, just after everything has been unloaded from the car and your mom has just gotten comfortable on a bench or something. Trust me, this is the perfect time.
Step 2: Demonstrate the urgency of the situation. Don't back down when your parent cringes and asks, "Can it wait until we get home?" Of course it can't. The very idea goes against everything you stand for. Make a scene. Start clutching your pants and doing the Charleston. Whatever it takes to get you to that Port-a-Potty ASAP.
Step 3: Touch everything. Never mind that your mother is trying to open the door with her elbow and flip the toilet seat lid up with her shoe. Put your hands on everything. Lean on the walls. Pick things up off the floor and ask what they are. Stay curious, my friend.
Step 4: Refuse all offers of help. You are a big kid, and big kids don't get lifted onto the potty by their mommies. They put their hands all over the toilet seat in an effort to hoist themselves up, only occasionally nearly falling in headfirst and... woah! Get an eyeful of what's in there. Let's talk about this.
Step 5: Ask a billion questions about the potty's contents. Why is the water blue? What are all the flies doing down there? Ew, is that poop? That's really poop?? Make sure to discuss the size and color of the fecal material you see in detail; your mother will be really interested in this information. You might even want to hop off to take a better look, in which case you'll need to repeat Step 4.
Step 6: Take your sweet time. You pee on your timetable, not your mom's. You can assert your dominance by twiddling your thumbs, looking around, and swinging your feet doing nothing the more frantic she becomes. Feel free to decide at this point that you don't have to go after all.
Step 7: Initiate a conversation. Instead of immediately pulling up your pants and vacating the Port-a-Potty, this is a great time to ask involved questions about where people go when they die or perhaps recount the plotline of the last Paw Patrol. Keep it up until your mom is pulling at her hair and screeching, "Hurry up, this is literally the smelliest and most disgusting place we could possibly be right now!"
Step 8: Become extremely fastidious about personal hygiene. Even though you've never once voluntarily washed your hands without being dragged kicking and screaming to the sink, this time you must absolutely refuse to move on with your life until you can properly cleanse your hands with soap and water. If you're lucky, mom will lure you back to the bench with snacks she'd previously hidden from you.
Congratulations! You have now successfully completed your trip to the Port-a-Potty.
If you've mastered the basic steps above and are ready to challenge yourself, you can experiment with Step 9: Wait 4 minutes and announce that you need to go again. Number two this time.