Monday, September 17, 2018

From the Self-Help Section of My Toddler's Bookshelf

I was in my kids' room, straightening bed linens and surreptitiously sniffing for pee accidents no one told me about when I noticed something different about my toddler's bookshelf.

Little Blue Truck and Green Eggs and Ham were there, just like always, but there were also a bunch of new books I'd never seen before.

It wasn't until I leaned in for a closer look at the dust jackets that I realized I'd stumbled across my toddler's self-help collection.

If your toddler had a self-help collection, what would you find there? Probably a hilarious collection of thoughts and advice for 2-year-olds on tantrums, snacking, and generally driving your parents crazy. #parentinghumor #toddlers #sofunny #2yearolds #toddlertruths

Anger Management for Dummies

Does a broken graham cracker make fire shoot out of your eyes? Ever caused property damage over a suggestion to put on pants? Do you often find yourself carried to bed doing bicycle kicks while your parents mutter bad words under their breath? There's hope. In these pages, find help and healing for your explosive rage triggered by basically everything.

The 7 Habits of Highly Destructive People

Increase your demolition power by up to 80% with tips on prioritizing your time out of your caregiver's eyesight and throwing food for maximum splatter. Includes a handy pocket identification guide for expensive and/or irreplaceable things. Wreak more havoc before 9 AM than most people do all day!

A Step-By-Step Illustrated Guide to DIY Diaper Removal

"It's empowering knowing I can streak through the house butt-naked at any time!"
-Maddisyn DeSilva, Instagram star, 18 months

"Not only do I have limited motor skills and parents trying to outsmart me, I also can't see past my own distended belly. I almost gave up trying to take off my own diaper, but this guide was a total game-changer."
-Trevon Finley, spokesperson, Baby Civil Liberties Union

"Informative and straightforward, Diaper Removal is pure gold."
-Camden Savage, columnist and book reviewer at Esquire, Jr.

Natural Eating: A Guide to Foraging for Food in Your Own Bodily Orifices

Do you really know where your food comes from? Why settle for pureed mystery meat from Beech-Nut or the unfamiliar ingredients in organic fruit pouches when there's home-grown food just a nostril away? It's time to reclaim the term 'picky eater' and join the revolution.

You, Too, Can Make a Masterpiece 

Move over, Bob Ross! World-renowned art instructor Cedric Schmidt teaches you how to create full-size wall murals using whatever is on hand: your sister's crayons, a Sharpie you found under the fridge, or even fecal material!

The Worst-Case Scenario Handbook: Escaping from Cribs, Baby Gates, Playpens, and More

So you found yourself stuck in baby jail  now what? This definitive resource for junior escape artists will show you how to stay calm, evaluate your surroundings, and devise an exit strategy from any type of baby containment device... or your money back.

The Power of Public Meltdowns

Stop whining in Target like an amateur and start making demands and getting results with these never-before-shared insider secrets for leveraging:
  • Your Parents' Crushing Self-Doubt 
  • Judgment from Strangers 
  • Social Humiliation 
  • And More!
Want an outrageously-priced package of organic cookies or a cheaply-made toy you'll never look at again after you get home? Using the techniques in this book, whatever you want is yours in as little as 3-5 minutes.

As We Change the Diaper, the Diaper Also Changes Us: Zen Meditations From Pre-K

With this beautiful anthology from the world's youngest spiritual teachers and philosophers, discover a peace that reaches deeper than the white noise app on your moms' phone. Varied and insightful, these words of wisdom all converge on one universal truth: diaper changes come and go, but lasting change comes from within.

She Who Bites Hardest Gets the Toys: The New and Updated Playdate Guide for the 21st Century

WARNING: THIS IS NOT YOUR MAMA'S PLAYBOOK. Throw out yesterday's rules and pick up this modern girl's guide to playdating in the 21st century! Written for social butterflies and wallflowers alike, this book includes sections on posing for social media photos of your playdate, the best self-defense moves to avoid sharing, and epic meltdowns when it's time to go home.

**Note: I'm not sure why this is in my toddler's bookshelf, as he is a boy.

The Joy of Snacks

From the best-selling author of Joy of Sex comes a new just-for-toddlers compendium devoted to the world's greatest pleasure: snacks. This thoughtful reference delves into the pros and cons of incorporating food groups other than grains, the ethics of making your parents individually peel your grapes like Grecian slaves, and how to cope when you granola bar gets broken and is therefore completely inedible.

Frommer's Guide to Public Restrooms

With inviting full-color photos, Frommer's Guide to Public Restrooms covers must-see attractions like the feminine hygiene box, the filthy floor, and more! Learn to touch everything in sight and open the door while your mom's pants are down with this travel guide to every toddler's favorite destination.

After browsing for a few minutes I was interrupted by a crash downstairs, which turned out to be my toddler trying out the parkour techniques from the sidebar on page 56 of Emergency Room Visits for Beginners.

I don't mean to brag, but he's so well-read.

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Jenny said...

Very clever. Simply hilarious!

PurpleSlob said...

I love these! But very glad I never saw them in my grandbabies ' shelf!