Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Weird Questions Google Thinks My Blog Can Answer

Today is Unremarkable Files' 3rd birthday!

I was thinking about planning something really special for the 3rd anniversary of beginning this blog, but I can't even manage that on my own children's birthdays so I'm not sure why I thought that would work out.

However, I have been checking Google Analytics for the search terms that have led people to my blog over the last year, and it's interesting reading. Some are good questions, some are kind of funny, and some... well, I'm not entirely sure what they are.

Someone once found my blog by Googling, "dont starve shipwrecked voodoo doll." I can't make this stuff up.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

These are all real things people have typed in to to Google, and Google sent them to my blog. And if Google thinks I can answer their search queries, then I suppose I have no choice but to do my best.

when will skinny jeans go away
Not. Soon. Enough. Every time I go pants shopping I end up leaving empty-handed like, "Eh, no thanks. I've already got skin. I'm good."

5 kids is a lot of kids
Oh, really? I had no idea. I am totally not reminded of this every time I enter a public space with my children. No, sir.

baby looks like an alien
It can be unnerving to realize you've given birth to a spitting image of Yoda. But don't worry, it's totally normal. In time, your child will grow into his looks and probably only slightly resemble Winston Churchill.

guessing games for kids
There are lots of good ones, but my personal favorite is:
"Kids, guess what?"
"Go to bed."

hilarious clean pictures
If you mean clean like "no naked people" then you're in the right place. If you mean like a family room you can hang out in without wondering when you got your last tetanus booster, then no. We don't have anything like that around here.

i feel like an adult
Well, la-dee-dah. Did you come here to brag about it? I bet you show up to appointments on time and drop your kids off at school wearing pants you didn't sleep in, too. Unicorn.

is a rainfly necessary

name a reason a baby might be cranky
BabyCenter says babies have "different cries" and that you'll soon learn what each one means. Liars. All cries sound the same, and even if there was a secret code you'd be too tired to crack it. The typical post-baby brain can hardly handle regular English. I have, however, compiled a little checklist that might help you narrow it down:

"I'm hungry."
"I'm poopy."
"I'm tired."
"I'm hot."
"I'm overstimulated."
"I'm awake and it's Tuesday and I feel like it."

It's usually the last one. Hope that helps.

he is going to sleep
Okay, sure. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the night without killing anybody.

honk honk meaning
It better not mean your daughter's boyfriend is waiting in the driveway for her. Young men, take note: you're picking up someone's daughter, not a faded leather sectional you found on the corner. Come in to the house.

crayons go up one drawer higher
Just give up and let the kids put the crayons wherever they want. They will, anyway. Stop trying to make 'organization' happen.

go to stupid
I feel like this is one of the examples English teachers use to show you how the use or lack of a comma can change the entire meaning of a sentence. Is it?

farts and crafts 
Looks like my 7-year-old is on the computer again!

my mom is socially awkward
And now my 11-year-old is having her turn.

lately i've felt unusual
That's a little broad, so I don't know if Google can help you self-diagnose. According to WebMD, however, you have 48 hours to live.

cow information files
I really wish I had something useful to tell you, but I've got nothing. Unless you'd like to know how kids react when you feed them cow liver for the first and last time ever (take #3 here.)

lateness to church
You've come to the right place, my friend.

my house is a disgusting mess
Come in. Sit down, make yourself comfortable. It sounds like you've had a hard day. Would you like some chocolate? Some reading material, perhaps?

portal potties
I haven't written about intergalactic ones before, but I have written about the port-a-potties my toddler always wants to use at the baseball field.

darth vader dolphin pterodactyl surprise
Thanks, I just figured out the theme for my son's next birthday party. This is going to be epic. 

hot mormon moms
Hope you found what you're looking for, weirdo. (Also: you flatter me, Google.)

If you want to see more strange searches that led people to Unremarkable Files, head to No Such Thing as a Stupid Question.

And then buy yourself a cupcake to celebrate. It's somebody's birthday, after all.

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Unremarkable Files


AnneMarie said...

Haha! These are amazing. I think the "i feel like an adult" one is my favorite.

Rachel said...

I like "lately I've felt unusual"! It happens to us all. And "crayons go up one drawer higher" made me laugh because it's a line from "Mr. Mom" by Lonestar, which is a pretty hilarious song.

Jenny Evans said...

Is that what it is? I'll have to look it up. See? I guess my blog did have the answer, after all.

Kathryn said...

Your guessing game is brilliant! Happy birthday, Jenny. Your blog is a power for good.

PurpleSlob said...

So funny! Thanks for sharing!!

PurpleSlob said...

OOps! I forgot to say Happy 3rd Birthday, Unremarkable!!

Terra Heck said...

Happy 3rd blog birthday! I enjoy reading your posts and they always crack me up.

Tim Lehmann said...

Love your blog. Funny, clean (as in no naked pictures clean) and honest. Thank you.