Sunday, March 29, 2015

50 Reasons We Were Late for Church This Morning

Was it Albert Einstein who said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

Every Sunday morning, there's no doubt in my mind that this is going to be the day we walk in to church on time. You'd think we have no excuse for being late since we live within 5 minutes of the chapel. But in this house, there's always an excuse. Several, in fact.

50 Reasons We Were Late for Church This Morning -- Living less than 5 minutes away from the chapel doesn't mean anything. If you've got kids, I guarantee you've got at least these 50 reasons to be late for church every single Sunday.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

1. The toilet overflowed after someone flushed a toy harmonica.
2. No one could hear me say it was time to go over the pterodactyl noises coming from my son.
3. I thought we had plenty of time. The clock I was looking at still isn't set ahead for daylight savings.
4. I was checking my email, and, well, I got distracted...
5. Daughter lost her shoes (found one in the bathroom, the other in her backpack.)
6. The toddler wanted to wear a grass hula skirt out of the dress-up bin.
7. It takes a 3-year-old a long time to put on a pair of tights by herself.
8. Took a while to convince preschooler her dress was on backward.
9. Son buttoned his shirt crooked. He had to redo it. Still crooked.
10. Daughter claimed that her dress shoes had shrunk.
11. One child required an unscheduled shower (don't ask.)
12. Someone's tights were itchy.
13. Daughter's necklace was tangled.
14. Son spilled his cereal bowl on his sister. Judging from her reaction, it was filled with hydrochloric acid.
15. Baby mashed half his breakfast into his hair and threw the rest on the floor.
16. While I was bathing the baby, son stepped in oatmeal and tracked it around the house.
17. No clean socks.
18. No clean underwear.
19. A fight broke out in the bathroom over who clogged up the toothpaste.
20. Brush got stuck in daughter's hair.
21. Had to change into a longer skirt because I haven't shaved.
22. Preschooler accidentally dipped her dress in the toilet using the bathroom.
23. Daughter urgently needed a Band-Aid for a 3 day old cut.
24. Printer wouldn't work and I couldn't get my Sunday School lesson notes off the computer.
25. Daughter got a bloody nose. Had to Google "how to remove blood from clothes, carpet, bedding, and stuffed animals."
26. Toddler drew on herself with a marker.
27. Pants-wetting incident. While sitting on my lap.
28. Daughter tripped on the stairs. Responded to twisted ankle as if her leg had been severed.
29. Time-outs were necessary after rampant disregard for the "swords only hit other swords" rule.
30. Couldn't find our scriptures.
31. Couldn't find the pacifier.
32. Couldn't find the car keys.
33. Went through all pants pockets in the dirty laundry, shook out purse and refilled it, finally found keys wedged beneath the oven.
34. Preschooler needed to put all her dolls down for naps before we left.
35. Kids wanted to build one last thing out of Legos. Pleeeeease...?
36. Toddler's shoes were on the wrong feet. And her socks were hurting her.
37. Kids misheard me and thought "Let's go" was actually "You should all develop an extreme urge to use the bathroom now."
38. Then the baby pooped.
39. Son wouldn't put on shoes unless I clipped his toenails first.
40. Daughter couldn't get in the car without a book to read on the way.
41. Realized preschooler wasn't wearing underwear, had to go back inside.
42. Preschooler refused to accept that her "Sunday" days-of-the-week underwear was in the laundry.
43. Two kids smacked their heads together getting into the van.
44. Son's seat belt wouldn't buckle.
45. Someone left the van door open last night and the battery was dead.
46. Ran over a scooter backing out of the garage.
47. Had to go back for forgotten wipes and diapers.
48. Couldn't find a spot in the church parking lot.
49. Seat belt buckle flew up and hit someone in the eye when released.
50. Spit bath for the toddler after looking in rearview mirror and noticing her massive bird's nest hairstyle. And her brother's bed head.

Miraculously, we still have a few minutes. Just enough time to walk in and find a seat before church starts! Then a sad little voice whines from the backseat: "But Mom, I don't have any shoes on!"

Well, I say to myself as we go back home for shoes, maybe not today. But I just know we'll definitely be on time next week.


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27 comments:

  1. Hmm....I have NEVER used any of those excuses. ;)

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  2. I am so glad I am not the only one! This morning I took two kids to town in their underwear, but by goly their siblings were on time to school for the first time in quite awhile!

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    1. And maybe next time your younger kids will realize you mean it when you say "let's go!"

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  3. Love this post - I've had several of those things happen in my parenting life also. But I like the fact that your sweet family went on to church and didn't decide that it was too much trouble and stay home. Even without shoes !!!!Blessings to you and yours.

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  4. LOL I think I have used most of them! Thanks for sharing on Monday Madness link party :) Sharing on Facebook too!

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  5. Oh my... yes! That's a lot of reasons to be late for church and I've encountered my fair share of them too!

    Loved this. You're hilarious!

    Wishing you a lovely week.
    xoxo

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  6. This is perfect - I know have a set of NEW reasons for being late...

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  7. This made me laugh out loud, it's like this almost every time we leave the house :)

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    1. It's like that scene from Home Alone every time you go to the grocery store, I know.

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  8. That's funny! And I imagine a reality for many parents. We are about to have our first child. I like to think we'll still be on time, but that is probably a pipe dream. ;) Though my husband is the youth minister and we only have one car. That could make life an adventure! I have noticed that families with young kids are usually late, and often skip class just so they can make it to service on time.

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    1. Good luck! I imagine with your husband's job you'll have no choice but to be on time.

      In our church we have a clergy made up entirely of rotating volunteers, so I suppose at any time my husband could be asked to fulfill some role that would force us all to be on time... oh, who am I kidding, we would just drive separately and I'd still be late.

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  9. You have a rotating minister?

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    1. Pretty crazy, huh? I wrote a post explaining it in a little more detail if you're interested:
      http://www.unremarkablefiles.com/2014/11/on-mormon-callings.html

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  10. I remember those days. I recall them as I see families sneak into church a bit late, hoping to find a seat in the back row! These were hilarious. Thanks for the reminder.

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  11. OK you are most definitely forgiven! With five kids I guess each has at least an allocation of ten lateness reasons, plus who doesn't get distracted checking their email? :-) Thanks for linking up Jenny X #thetruthabout

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  12. I can identify with so many of these. I once took my toddler to church in tights but no underwear. I had to smack myself for that one. By the time one of the other children pointed it out to me the meeting had already started. Oh well. I just hope she sat politely in nursery. :)

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    1. We've done the exact same - but no tights! Luckily there is some wonderful person in our ward who leaves a package of Pull-ups in the restroom, which saved us that day from being arrested for lewd and indecent behavior!

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  13. You are describing me in our every trip out! Its so hard to go out when you have a kid and esp if you have kids! #sharewithme

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  14. This sounds like my morning before church this morning with my kids too. lol I think it happens to us all! Thanks for linking up to Share With Me. Happy Easter! #sharewithme

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  15. This is hilarious because it sounds just like my kids. It's like trying to climb mount Everest in ballet shoes getting all my kids out anywhere without causing a fuss, great post :)

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  16. Just so you know, we are empty nesters and we could totally use a bunch of these excuses. We are 4 miles from church and rarely make it on time. What a hoot! This is so funny!

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    1. In a way, being close makes it easier to be late. Like you have all the time in the world, even when church starts in 10 minutes...

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  17. AuntSue
    With six kids, oh yes! It did help when I stopped thinking of the on the hour time, and moved my estimated arrival time to 10 minutes before the hour. But each child does add 15 minutes to the time needed to get ready.

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  18. In order to make it on time to church I have to aim to walk out the door a full half hour before we should actually have to leave. When I do that, we typically make it with 5 minutes to spare after all crisis' and bathroom breaks, but hey, WE MADE IT!

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  19. So funny! Maybe you could buy those slipper/sock/shoes for all the kids, and leave them in the van, WITHOUT letting the kids know they're there! haha! problem solved. JK, I know then it would be, "But Mom, I don't have on a dress!"

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    1. You know what? Having a pair of something for each of them in the van, as long as they didn't know, might actually work in a variety of situations!

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