6 Funny Christmas Stock Photos about Parenting During the Holidays

When you have kids, reality rarely matches your expectations. Especially on Christmas.

You picture an idyllic afternoon of baking sugar cookies together; in reality your toddler spends most of it dumping flour all over his pants.

You picture a leisurely drive looking at Christmas lights; in reality someone's always groaning in the backseat that they're bored, too hot, too cold, or someone else farted at them.

I blame Christmas stock photos.

After getting such a great response from you when I corrected some silly baby stock photos, I thought I'd do it again with funny holiday stock photos. Which one is your favorite?

1. You know that line about not being able to have nice things?

2. Pinpointing the exact moment of the mall Santa's nervous breakdown.

3. It'll all be worth it in the morning, right?

4. Santa's little helper.

5. Family pictures: not for the faint of heart.

6. Kids are so patient and well-behaved.

7. Parents do weird things to their babies around the holidays.

Don't forget to share by clicking on the buttons below, and have a merry Christmas! Or die trying, anyway.

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7 Quick Takes about Being Bad at Shopping, Orphaned Dogs Who Are Just Misunderstood, and How to Talk in Ancient Rome

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

Thanks to everybody for voting on what we should wear for family pictures; the winner was Palette A!

The winning outfits: thank goodness we have you all to dress us.

I'm looking forward to picking up the pictures when they're ready. The photographer got all the kids to smile by simply yelling "farts!" before taking the shot. Kids are so predictable.

—2—

My kids absolutely love having some proper snow so they can go sledding now (we've got several places in our yard that make for decent sled hills).

They love it, but they're also under the impression that they need hot chocolate 3-4 times a day after every time they go play outside. Yet another reason why I'm not into "yes" parenting.

—3—

After dropping my daughter at preschool, I had some time to kill and decided to do some window shopping for Christmas. (This is really bizarre for me, since the last time I stepped in a store without a definite purpose for being there was in 1998.)

As I was wandering through the aisles at K-mart I saw a blue-and-white striped changing table pad cover and briefly considered getting it, since ours is a pink hand-me-down and the baby is a boy.

After a few moments of deliberation, I realized that not only did we not need a new one, but I actively didn't want one. Like, if they were giving them out for free at the door, I wouldn't have taken one. Our perfectly serviceable pink cover will stay right where it is, thank you very much.

Then I tried on some clothes, put them back on the rack, and left the store with a tub of Eucerin and nothing else. My takeaway from this experience is that I don't care for shopping.

—4—

I've been putting off making this announcement, but Phillip got a TV. 

We'll just be using it for movies (we don't have cable or network stations) so we still don't technically have a TV, at least not in the traditional sense. But I'm still adjusting. For one thing, it's so huge I feel ridiculous watching it. I live in an IMAX theater now.

At 55" I'm told it's not that big (even though it totally is.) I suppose it seems more that way to me because for the last 7 months we've spent family movies nights crammed around my 14" laptop screen. (We used to use Phillip's big computer monitor but we had to give it back when he changed jobs in May.)

It's quite a shocking change.

—5—

I've read Go, Dog. Go! at least a million times, but the other day my 5-year-old made an interesting observation.

"Why does he have a collar but she doesn't?" she asked as we got to the obnoxious 'Do you like my hat?' pages.

"You know, I've never noticed that before. I'm not sure," I told her.

"Is it because someone adopted him, but she doesn't belong to anyone?"

And then you feel like a jerk for dismissing that poor pink poodle as a vain and silly dog, when really she's just an orphan desperately seeking acceptance!

And then you think about how she's just a dog and you're anthropomorphizing and she's not even a real dog, just a fictional one.

And then you realize that if a picture book about cartoon dogs triggers such a complex emotional analysis, you probably need to get out more and/or read a real book meant for grown-ups.

—6—

My 7th grader debated taking French or Latin as her required foreign language in school this year, and ultimately chose French because she thought it would be more useful than a dead ancient Roman language.

But on the side she's been doing a self-guided study of Latin, and she told me the other day she's learning a lot.

"Like what?" I asked.

"I can say 'The slave fell into the fish pond.'"

I think she made the right call on French being the more practical language.

—7—

Last year I actually listened to the lyrics of Baby It's Cold Outside for the first time and honestly, I'm not a fan. At best it's pushy and stereotypes both men and women, and I personally find it a little creepy.

I mentioned it on Facebook:

and a reader directed me to this video, which is one of my favorite things on YouTube now.

I died when he offered to take her to The Cheesecake Factory. How sweet and funny is this?


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16 Funniest Parenting Memes of 2016

One of the things you may not know about this blog (or maybe you do) is that there's too much craziness in my family to contain in just one URL. So a lot of the action actually happens on the Facebook page.

We've got the most awesome tribe of moms (and a few random dads) there, and one of the things I love to do most for them is post parenting memes that will make them laugh. Or cry, because let's face it, even the loveliest child can drive you crazy sometimes and there's no way out!

Facebook tells me these are my 16 most popular funny parenting memes from '16. Tell me which one is your favorite and share it on social media!

#16: It's just math.

#15: At least you know your kid isn't the only one who does it.

#13: Maybe they'll respond better to a Post-it?

#12: Truer words were never spoken.

#11: The drawback of having more than one child...

#10: Seriously, when is it nap time around here?

#9: It seems to defy logic, and yet it's true.

#8: Just another sophisticated dinner at home tonight.

#7: Getting ready in the morning with little people trying to climb on your head is harder than it looks.

#6: Did no one who ever designed a public restroom have kids??

#5: For sale: one bachelor's degree, barely used.

#4: What have I done??

#3: Gives a whole new meaning to the term "picky eater."

#2: Just in case your Christmas budget needed a reality check.

#1: I guess that's what you get for hiding in there and eating that Snickers bar earlier.

If you're still looking for more ways to procrastinate your to-do list, join me on Facebook for more funny memes and some commiseration from some of the best parents I know!

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7 Quick Takes about Driveway Angels, Turning a Cookie Fail into a Cookie Win, and the Scary World of Middle School Science Fairs

It's been such a busy week. It's been a "the trash is full but there's no time to take it out so tie a new garbage bag to the handle of the dishwasher" busy.

But busy or no, it's 7 Quick Takes Friday!

—1—

Finally, finally we got a dusting of snow. Despite it being the most pathetic snowfall in the history of snowfalls, my kids were so desperate they put on all their winter gear and made snow angels in the driveway anyway.

This is extra-sad considering these pictures (take #4) from just a few winters ago. These are lean times.

—2—

My 7th grader was in the school play, and the parents' job (other than driving their kids to and from one zillion after-school rehearsals) was to bring some concessions to sell at intermission.

So in my infinite wisdom, I thought I'd just whip something up at home even though baking is currently #50 on the list of things I don't have time to do right now.

Once I started, I also realized that grocery shopping must be #49 on the same list, because we were out of everything. After abandoning three separate recipes because we were missing an important ingredient, I used up the very last drop of butter in the house to make cookies and somehow this happened:

This is supposed to be cookies. Plural. As in, more than one giant baking sheet sized cookie decorated like a soccer ball.

I called my confused husband at work in hysterics, but that didn't really help.

You know what did help? When my daughter came home from school, not only was she understanding, but she saw that I'd had a hard day and noticed I needed a hug. She totally made me feel better! Having older kids is so awesome.

She also came up with a great plan, and we were able to swing by the grocery store on the way to her curtain call, grab some bags of Oreos, and set up a last-minute Oreo rolling factory in the parking lot with some Saran wrap from home.

Epilogue: we crumbled the ruined cookies up in some ice cream later, so the night was actually a net win.

—3—

A few random observations from my kids:

I don't know why they were looking this up (clearly they need more chores to occupy their time) but they were Googling the ABC song. The predictive search results included this:

If you Google "abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz now I know my abc's, next time won't you sing with me lyrics," doesn't that mean you already know the lyrics? You know, because you just typed them all into Google 2 seconds ago?

Also, my 10-year-old thinks it's hilarious that if Katniss and Peta from The Hunger Games named their baby by mashing their names together, their child would be called Kat Pee.

Just something to think about.

—4—

So this made me feel like I'm in a sitcom for sure.

My middle schooler is starting a science fair project and brought home this insane form for me to sign. I was speechless.

Fresh tissue? Radioactive materials? Nuclear energy? Recombinant DNA?

All I can say is, if you're 12 years old and your project idea involves molecular cloning to create new genome sequences, you've probably gotten all that you're going to get out of 7th grade science class.

—5—

My calling (or job) at church right now requires the planning of activities for the adult women, and let me tell you it's a challenge sometimes.

For our Christmas dinner I was desperately hoping someone else would take over the decorating, but it falls to me, and I'm just not a crafty person. I'm more likely to burn spare pallets for firewood than build a set of reclaimed bookshelves with them.

Anyway, I finally had an idea for some centerpieces and emailed out a request for mason jars. Someone responded, "I don't have mason jars, but I have ball jars."

My first thought was, There's a difference?

My second thought was, I'm screwed.

—6—

A friend called the other night because she ran out of gas just a few minutes from my house. Fortunately I was home and willing to help; unfortunately our gas can is for the lawnmower (not the car) and doesn't have a long enough nozzle.

I wasn't sure what to do but my friend MacGyvered a funnel out of a Cumberland Farms cup she had in her car... and I was like, "Can you design the centerpieces for the Christmas dinner?"

—7—

We're going to get family pictures taken, and since I pull from our closets rather than spend hundreds of dollars on matchy-matchy outfits, it gets tricky.

After gaining a new respect for people who lay out clothes for catalogues all pretty-like (because it's harder than it looks), I assembled two choices and I need your opinions.

I really like the first option, but even though I think it's more interesting I question whether it's wise to put orange and maroon together. But then again, what do I know? I can't tell a mason jar from a ball jar.

Palette A

Palette B

So what's your vote, A or B?

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Babies Don't Care

When you first had a baby, you were probably surprised at how deeply indifferent babies are to whatever is going on around them. In a word, babies just don't care.

Babies don't care that you've had to pee for the last fifty-two minutes. You'll just have to keep holding it until they're down for a nap, even though for every half-hour you spend shushing and soothing, you put them down for two seconds and they cry so hard you have to start all over again.

Babies don't care that your breakfast is sitting on the kitchen counter getting cold. After all, it doesn't make a difference to them if you keep reheating the same thing over and over, forgetting to eat it  because something more pressing comes up every time.

Babies don't care that the middle of the baking goods aisle at the grocery store is not a good place to poop so much it explodes up their back and into their hair. They really couldn't care less that the thought of lugging them and the entire cart to the bathroom for an epic diaper change and improvised sponge bath makes you want to cry.

Babies don't care that their older siblings need you, too. When they come home from school there are permission slips to be signed and friend drama to work out and homework to help with (although you have to Google how to do it yourself first.) But your baby wants your full attention and will wail so loudly you can't hear each other even if you're standing two feet apart and yelling.

Babies don't care when you're trying to make dinner. You take turns either speed-cooking with a screaming baby at your feet or trying to do everything one-handed while pudgy fingers grab for every spatula, plate, and measuring cup in sight.

Babies don't care that you've just collapsed into bed ten minutes ago, feeling crushed by an exhaustion so intense it's killed your short-term memory and your vocabulary. They will wake up crying anyway, and you'll somehow find the strength to heave yourself up out of bed and stumble over to the crib.

The baby will stop crying when you shuffle into view - because babies don't care that the purple circles beneath your eyes are as dark as eggplants. You may look like a hot mess, but they think you are beautiful.

You'll automatically run through the checklist: change the diaper, feed the tummy, find the pacifier, redo the swaddle. You'll sing an off-key song from the radio with lyrics you don't even know half of, and it will work because babies don't care if you can sing.

That's the thing about babies: they just don't care. Not that you permanently smell like sour milk. Not that you miss appointments and never return phone calls. Not that you haven't mopped the floor since they were born and may potentially never do it again.

You'll screw up practically every day and find that babies still (shockingly, inexplicably) don't care. You'll pinch a chubby thigh in the car seat. You'll forget the diapers, the bottle, and the blanket at home. You'll go for days before realizing their fussiness isn't just moodiness, it's an awful ear infection. You'll be slow to forgive yourself, but your baby won't be.

You really don't have a clue what you're doing, but they will just continue to love you anyway. Because babies don't care.

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7 Quick Takes about Herbal Lies, Why Phillip Needs a Hazmat Suit for Christmas, and Choosing Vegetables Over Ice Cream

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

The grocery store was out of fresh cut basil in packages but they did have little basil plants, so I decided to get one. After all, they weren't much more expensive and I'd heard that herbs were easy to grow and impossible to kill.

Challenge accepted.

Elapsed time: 3 days. It's like I'm a wizard or something.

—2—

Like we do every Christmastime, I took the four older kids to go see The Nutcracker. I wish it had been later in the season but Thanksgiving weekend was our only choice for the ballet company we wanted to see.

And let me tell you that explaining to a preschooler when the mouse king dies that yes, he really dies in the story but no, the story is not really happening and yes, there is a person in that mouse costume but no, the person doesn't actually die in real life is harder than it sounds.

—3—

Just to wrap up a magical evening, we had a motion sickness situation in the backseat on the way home from The Nutcracker.

It happened only 7 minutes from home (7 very long, very smelly minutes) so we just kept driving. Partly because it was freezing outside and I'd rather ask Phillip to clean it up than do it myself.

I wish this was a staged picture we took just to be funny, but Phillip seriously wore this out to the car. And he STILL came in dry heaving before going back out to finish the job.

As I watched this happen I was reminded of several occasions listening to him loudly retching in the next room as he changed the diapers of our first few children.

All I can say is that the man has a sensitive stomach and he really, really loves our kids.

—4—

My daughter's home preschool co-op was at our house on Monday, and since the lesson of the day was on the letter i, we all made ice cream.

(No pictures because 5 preschoolers jumping around with gallon Ziploc bags full of ice dripping water everywhere is kind of a Code Red situation that commanded all of my attention.)

"Do you want some?" I asked my 2-year-old as I dished out the finished ice cream.

"No," he said. "Want an avocado."

So we all sat around the table, us with heaping bowls of ice cream and him with a spoon and half of an avocado.

This wasn't very surprising because he doesn't care for sweets and never has. Over Thanksgiving weekend we made 4 pies, and he consumed a total of 0 bites. I'm fairly convinced that an alien race planted him in our family to observe Earth life.

—5—

In exciting blog news, the Unremarkable Files Facebook page hit 2k likes! I was hoping to break 2,000 by Christmas so thanks to everyone who helped me get there early.

That's 2,000 people I'm apparently making feel better with posts like this:

Or this:

Or this:

Or this:

When I told Phillip 2,000 people had liked the page he said, "Wow! And just think, for all those fans there are probably 2,000 more people who know you and don't like you!"

I think he was trying to express admiration for how famous I'm getting. I think.

—6—

I've had my new phone for a while now, but I just noticed something about it this week. The GPS is so congratulatory when I arrive at my destination!

You made it! Stellar work, you go-getter, you.

If possible, I would also like it to celebrate when I mop the floor and/or remember to put the laundry in the dryer. I'll be in touch with the Samsung people about this.

—7—

Lastly, congratulations to Crystal and Melinda for winning last week's Advent giveaway! 

Every day of December they'll be reading new a Bible verse with discussion points about Christ and coloring a pretty ornament for the tree.

If you missed or didn't win the giveaway, you can also buy the Names of Christ Advent Devotional through my affiliate link by clicking here:

Yes, I know it's already the 2nd but is there really anybody who does every day of an Advent devotional without missing a day or two or ten? Or is that just us?

Anyway, you could be a glass half-full person and think of ordering now as being super ahead of the game for next year.

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