Saturday, May 2, 2015

The Bloody Aftermath of Arbor Day: To Whom It May Concern

Dear My Daughter's School:

Thank you for sending home a tree seedling with each student in honor of Arbor Day.

According to the care instructions you sent along with the tree, full-grown yellowwoods can be anywhere from 30 to 50 feet tall. This is quite a commitment for our family, but okay.


The Bloody Aftermath of Arbor Day: To Whom It May Concern -- I support the idea of Arbor Day as much as the next person, but my daughter bringing home a tree sapling from school was an unwelcome surprise. As a mother who kills any plant she touches, I can tell you that this is not going to turn out well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

The problem is that now my daughter is excited for her 50-foot tall tree, which is frankly never going to happen. I do not have a green thumb, I have a black thumb. In fact, the direct opposite of green on the color wheel is red, so I probably have a red thumb.

The Bloody Aftermath of Arbor Day: To Whom It May Concern -- I support the idea of Arbor Day as much as the next person, but my daughter bringing home a tree sapling from school was an unwelcome surprise. As a mother who kills any plant she touches, I can tell you that this is not going to turn out well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Not joking.

I can and will kill any plant, indoors or outdoors, of any variety, almost immediately. The more earnestly I try to keep it alive, the quicker it dies. Even cut flowers in a vase seem to last for less time at my house than they do at other people's houses.

When you sent home a crayfish in November at the conclusion of your crustacean science unit to permanently live with us, I accept most of the blame. I did, after all, sign something giving my permission.

Tiny did not fare well in our house.

The Bloody Aftermath of Arbor Day: To Whom It May Concern -- I support the idea of Arbor Day as much as the next person, but my daughter bringing home a tree sapling from school was an unwelcome surprise. As a mother who kills any plant she touches, I can tell you that this is not going to turn out well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}
Lasted a little over a week.

Six months later, periodic fits of depression about Tiny's untimely demise still surface, usually when my daughter is supposed to be doing chores or sleeping.

Either way, I learned that no good can come from allowing living things to come home from school.

I can't predict whether her grief over a dead tree is going to rival her emotions over Tiny the dead crayfish, but only time will tell.

In closing, I appreciate the sentiment with which this tree was sent home, but in the future I would humbly suggest that some sort of gardening aptitude test could be set in place in order for students to bring home further seedlings.

Have a lovely weekend; we will be grudgingly planting my daughter's tree in our yard, the equivalent of sending it to an early grave.

Unenthusiastically Yours,
Jenny Evans
plant assassin

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11 comments:

  1. Hahaha, I'm a member of club back/red thumb too. I've killed about 5 cacti, the supposedly hardiest of plants. I also have some lilac commiting suicide. Serioudly, they stay wilty when I water them, but when it rains (like once a month), they accept that water. What the heck?!?

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    1. I don't know how it happens, either. Let me know if you figure it out. I'm starting to think plants just hate me.

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  2. I was traumatized as a child when I brought home the Mother's Day pansy from school. I tried to hide it under my bed for several days, and take it to Idaho when we went to visit my Grandma. It got knocked over and all the dirt spilled out, and it died. Fortunately my Aunt generously provided another gift for my mother. I currently own no house plants.

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  3. Yep, I'd probably kill it too. My son brought home a pansy potted for Mother's Day (UK - March) from the childminders and it's looking kind of dead right now. Fortunately the only thing my other son has been sent home from school with so far is a teddy bear called cuddles and we managed to keep him from coming to any major harm! :-) Thanks for linking up to #thetruthabout Jenny X

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  4. Poor tiny and poor tree. Luckily the children are all still alive!! That is a win :)

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  5. Why do they have to get the kids' hopes up with the possibility of 50 feet trees. Just tell them the truth...it will be lucky to survive the summer. :)

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    1. Or until the first time we mow. Oops! It's certainly not my fault if I didn't see that little 12" stick poking up out of the ground!

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  6. You are always a delight and have such a fun way of letting us all find humor in our mistakes/failures/weaknesses, lol. Who hasn't tried to replace a fish without the kid realizing it, or even a plant to save weeping and wailing..... Carrie, A Mother's Shadow

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  7. Oh this would happen to me. I kill all plants and always my goldfish growing up and it just never sorted out so i dont have plants or animals as an adult. lol Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

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