Wednesday, May 20, 2020

How to Turn 38

I'm going to be 38 years old on Friday, and let me tell you, I'm pretty excited.

If Pinterest has taught me anything, it's that doing something for the first time qualifies you to write a definitive how-to guide for the public. So I hope you all enjoy today's step-by-step tutorial on how to turn 38!

In honor of my 38th birthday, here's a hilarious step-by-step article on how to turn 38 written by a mom who knows! Enjoy this bit of birthday humor and laugh about getting older - because it's better than crying. #birthday #funny #sarcasm #momlife #unremarkablefiles

Step 1: Be born.

Step 2: Spend the next 3-5 years narrowly avoiding disaster. Attempt to eat inedible objects and fall off things whenever possible.

Step 3: Continue growing until your head is a reasonably proportionate size for your body.

Step 4: Become an awkward puberty-monster whose body is no longer correctly proportioned. Get embarrassed by everything. Giggle and/or cry for no reason.

Step 5: Know more than everyone, especially your parents.

Step 6: Graduate from high school. Or don't. A diploma will make your life easier, but the main thing here is to be alive at age 18.

Step 7: Become an adult. Sort of. You eat meals that require 3 minutes of prep time and sleep on a futon, but at least you can sign your own paperwork.

Step 8: Realize you know nothing and that your parents are actually quite wise.

Step 9: Wear your seat belt. Be generally responsible. Don't do dangerous things for a selfie. All these things result in a life expectancy equal to or greater than 38.

Step 10: Find someone you like and marry them. Like Step 4, this is purely optional, but it helps in that you start acquiring real furniture. This, in turn, heightens your sense of being an actual adult who could conceivably be old one day.

Step 11: Have children. Again, this is a matter of personal preference, but it helps pass the time. They say the days are long but the years are short.

Step 12: Spend your 30th birthday mourning the loss of your youth. Wallow in existential despair.

Step 13: Realize you were being melodramatic. Postpone further contemplation of your mortality.

Step 14: Learn life lessons.

Step 15: Amass wisdom.

Step 16: Pretend not to notice your skin losing its elasticity.

Step 17: If you have them, look at your teenage children and imagine the things you were doing at their age. Try not to imagine that anymore.

Step 18: Start to be interested in old people things, like orthotic insoles and birdwatching.

Step 19: Forget it's almost your 38th birthday until someone asks what gift you want. Request something practical*.

Step 20: Listen to your family sing 'Happy Birthday.' Blow out your candles. Eat cake.

That's it! Congratulations, you did it! You're 38.

*If you'd like to get me something for my birthday, please sign up for email updates when I post something new here on Unremarkable Files! It's the most practical gift of all and you'd make my day.

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AnneMarie said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you have a great time celebrating with your family :)

Pz said...

Happy birthday!

The Lady Okie said...

Happy happy birthday! I used to think 38 sounded SO OLD, but I'm turning 34 in July, and clearly I'm not old at all ;)

Angie said...

Awesome... I'm doing some things right... though I beat you by two years.

PurpleSlob said...

Dear Jenny, I have faith in you!! You can make it!! #21 Hang in there, only a few more days!!
Happy Birthday!!

Janette said...

Happy birthday! I didn't realize you were 38 - that means we're the same age! Wait... no, I'm 48. Stupid math. Thank you for your consistently delightful writing.