Over the years I've been the grateful recipient of many DIY Mother's Day coupon books from my kids, and as much as I love the sweetness of being gifted "unlimited hugs," I can't help but wish they'd also included coupons like these:
I know. The thing is lost. It disappeared. It's not anywhere. Just humor me and use your eyeballs for a minute, keeping in mind that it may be necessary to move things around a little while you look. You can do this.
Wearing snow boots in summer, shorts in the winter, and Halloween costumes in January are a preschooler's M.O., but sometimes it'd be nice to take you on an outing where 12 strangers don't elbow me in the ribs and chuckle, "Looks like someone dressed himself this morning!"
If I had a time machine, I would give Young Me a heads-up about how unfazed I'd be one day at the sight of a used, unflushed toilet.
Mommy is squishy because you leave too many leftovers on your plate for her to clean up, please stop telling the neighbors we're having a baby.
No meowing, climbing on the furniture, crawling around the floor, lifting up your shirt, headbutting our guests, licking yourself, or jumping off the coffee table. We want these people to like us.
The people around you already know, they're just being polite. As for the people who don't know, don't spoil it for them.
This house is not a restaurant, and I'm not soliciting your feedback on the menu. And yes, exaggerated dry heaves at the dinner table count as feedback.
Please give me the gift of not having to search for a public restroom 5 minutes into our first errand of the day.
My least favorite time to answer questions about what I'm doing is before sunrise, while I'm still in bed.
It'd be such a thrill to do a load of laundry that didn't involve detangling what appears to be a bunch of miniature superhero costumes.
Someday when I'm old and gray, I can't wait to watch all the videos I have of you standing there motionless while I urge you to do whatever you were doing just a second ago. So many memories.
If you're in charge of helping a small child put together a homemade coupon book for Mother's Day this year, don't forget to include these! (I was going to include a coupon good for a solo trip to the bathroom, but let's not get crazy here. Some things are just too unrealistic.)
2 comments:
I'm going to show this to my oldest child. See if she can't make it happen. "If you'd just look for something for one more minute before asking me..." is my mantra.
Here are some:
Actually drinking the glass of milk that they asked me for 4,361 times
Actually tasting the food before saying "It's yucky!"
In case you were wondering how dinner is going in our house this evening...
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