30 Things Parents Can't Believe They Need to Say Out Loud

Parenthood is a bizarre place, where common sense isn't so common and parents find themselves saying things to their kids they never dreamed they'd have to say... and yet, they do have to.

Frequently.

Sometimes you just won't believe the things you hear coming out of your mouth after you have children, things like:

1. No lying down in the grocery store.

2. [calling into the backseat] Is somebody moping back there?

3. We don't use salad tongs as a weapon.

4. Why are you naked?

5. Yes, you have to wear pants to church. We've always worn pants to church. When have we not worn pants to church?

6. Can you stop coughing in my face, please?

7. Take that out of your mouth and put it back in the trash. Right now.

8. Let's not jump on the trampoline naked, guys.

9. STOP YELLING!!!

10. Well then, who did put the poop in your pants? I'd really like to know.

11.  We don't play the piano with our feet.

12. If you're going to be a zombie you have to go be one outside.

13. Don't play spanking games when he's got a poopy diaper. That's a terrible idea.

14. Is that real crying or fake crying?

15. Do not sweep the floor with my pastry brush!

16. Did you learn nothing from the last time you tried to do that?

17. How did the plunger get in my closet?!

18. If you can't stop pulling down my pants, we're leaving.

19. Okay, but why would you pick that up if you thought it was poop?

20. Do NOT let the baby suck on your feet. I don't care if he likes it.

21. Stop sticking Spiderman in my eye, I can see him just fine from over there.

22. Get the dog food out of your nose.

23. Forks are for eating, not for stabbing.

24. Stop arguing over who's the tallest! You are ALL the tallest, okay??

25. Why are all the vacuum attachments in the bathtub?

26. Please tell me that's chocolate all over your hands.

27. If you aren't being nice with the sword, I'm taking it away.

28. I don't understand how you even picked that up to dump it all out.

29. Why are you smacking the front door with a tennis racket?

30. Stop laughing! Now he thinks it's funny to pee on the laundry.

Before having kids, you probably couldn't have envisioned a scenario where it was necessary to say any of these things.

But now you know that most of parenting is just unbelievable — including how much you love those little people who think it's a good idea to hold a Hot Wheels car wash in the toilet.

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