You will tell someone not to lick the wheels of the grocery cart and to stop shutting their brother's head in the dryer. You'll answer questions about why we don't touch poop and point out that laptops aren't meant to be stepped on. None of these things will seem obvious to anyone but you.
Here's a short list of some things I've needed to actually say out loud during my tenure as mom:
1) Honey, don't rub your cantaloupe on your forehead.
2) So you SWEAR that this is not your poop? Would you swear it in court?
3) I told you I don't like it when people lick my arm hair.
4) No baseball bats in bed, guys.
5) Don't eat things off the counter when you don't know what they are.
6) Excuse me, is milk now a finger food?
7) Will you put that in the trash? ...Or eat it, I guess. Okay, then. Well, that was gross.
8) Buddy, you need to tell me when there's poop in your pants.
10) That's how people get cholera, you know.
11) Stop barking. Every time you bark from now on, you're doing 20 push-ups.
12) Please take those noodles off of your face.
13) Didn't you hear her? She said she doesn't like it when you lick yourself and then touch her!
14) Great. Now there's blood on your brother.
15) Now your finger hurts? I thought you said you were bored. Those are not the same thing. Not even close.
16) Stop hitting your brother's car seat with a spatula.
17) Why do you think it might not be a good idea to lick that?
18) You don't need to decide right now who you're going to marry. Now buckle your seat belt, we're late for preschool.
19) I don't want to watch you picking your boogers and I definitely don't want to watch you eating them.
20) Everybody just keep your spit to yourself for the next 5 minutes.
What's the most bizarre thing YOU'VE ever had to say as a parent?