Monday, August 22, 2016

20 Things Motherhood Has Forced Me to Say

As a mom, you find things coming out of your mouth that you never dreamed would be necessary to say out loud.

You will tell someone not to lick the wheels of the grocery cart and to stop shutting their brother's head in the dryer. You'll answer questions about why we don't touch poop and point out that laptops aren't meant to be stepped on. None of these things will seem obvious to anyone but you.

Here's a short list of some things I've needed to actually say out loud during my tenure as mom:

20 Things Motherhood Has Forced Me to Say -- As a mom, you find things coming out of your mouth that you never dreamed would be necessary to say out loud.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

1. Honey, don't rub your cantaloupe on your forehead.

2. So you're SURE that this is not your poop? Would you swear it in court?

3. I told you I don't like it when people lick my arm hair.

4. No baseball bats in bed, guys.

5. Don't eat things off the counter when you don't know what they are.

6. Excuse me, is milk now a finger food?

7. Will you put that in the trash? ...Or eat it, I guess. Okay, then. Well, that was gross.

8. Buddy, you need to tell me when there's poop in your pants.

9. Bananas are for eating, not for drawing with.

10. That's how people get cholera, you know.

11. Stop barking. Every time you bark from now on, you're doing 20 push-ups.

12. Please take those noodles off of your face.

13. Didn't you hear her? She said she doesn't like it when you lick yourself and then touch her!

14. Great. Now there's blood on your brother.

15. Now your finger hurts? I thought you said you were bored. Those are not the same thing. Not even close.

16. Stop hitting your brother's car seat with a spatula.

17. Why do you think it might not be a good idea to lick that?

18. You don't need to decide right now who you're going to marry. Now buckle your seat belt, we're late for preschool.

19. I don't want to watch you picking your boogers and I definitely don't want to watch you eating them.

20. Everybody just keep your spit to yourself for the next 5 minutes.

Tell me, what's the most bizarre thing YOU'VE ever said to your kids? And then read on for the sequel: 30 Things Parents Can't Believe They Need to Say Out Loud. Parenthood, you are just too bizarre.

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Rebecca said...

You have to finish peeing BEFORE you wipe. Yes, every time.

Crystal Green from Sharing Life's Moments said...

I wish I could think of some of the oddest things I've had to say to my kids, but none come to mind. However, I LOVED reading your list. Your blog is quickly becoming one of my favorites!!

Alicia @ Sweeping Up Joy said...

So. Many. To. Choose. From. And yet...I'm having a difficult time remembering specifics because I tend to repress those things. Here are a few:
Who painted the baby?
Tables are not for butts.
What is that in your mouth? Oh...nevermind. I don't even want to know.
If you use a towel to wipe up an accident in the bathroom, don't put it back in the drawer.

AnneMarie said...

Haha! I love these! I suppose a banana could look like an oversized crayon to a little kid so you'd want to draw with it :P I don't think I've said anything too weird yet, but I'm sure it'll happen soon!

Kathy said...

"Why did you write your name on the toilet?" "We don't color our butt-hole with markers"
"Why didn't you tell me before we arrived at church that you all are barefoot?" "Why is Tori (2 at the time) naked and eating chips on the top of the fridge?" (that one was fun).
Although one of the best was actually said by my son to my husband "you are the boss daddy, Mama said"

Dalynn said...

Don't lick the floor!
Um, whose cup did you just drink from?
Go apologize to your brother, and be glad that he's making you laugh instead of being mean.
Stop jumping over the arm of the couch!
Sit on your hands until we get to church.
Get your face out of his face.
Please poop quietly, everyone in the house doesn't need to hear your moaning (constipated child, obviously).
You're in time-out to calm down, not get louder.
Please aim for the water.
Oh, just go pee out back, the bathrooms are full, but make sure you pee away from the porch.
and on and on, lol.

Dalynn said...

Oh, I forgot one: Please don't put things in your nose holes (Our daughter rolled up tiny pieces of kleenex and put them up her nose one after the other on one occasion, another time was raisins up the nose)

Jenny Evans said...

Ha! At least they wipe.

Jenny Evans said...

Thank you! I don't know if I could pull any off the top of my head, either, but once I decided to write this post it only took about 3 days of paying attention to what was coming out of my mouth before I said ALL of these...

Jenny Evans said...

I've watched my kids clean up a mess and put the towel back in the drawer way too many times. Basically, you just try not to think about it and do lots of laundry.

Jenny Evans said...

Just wait until Peter is older! You'll be able to start a whole blog on the weird things you say to him.

Jenny Evans said...

Hey, I got a portrait of myself drawn on the toilet seat! It was sort of flattering.

Jenny Evans said...

My dad works in the E.R. and sees that stuff ALL the time. Ears, too.

PurpleSlob said...

Just today, PP came around the corner, holding out her arms, and covered with brown. I said "Why are you covered in poop??" She said "No poop, bwown."
I said "Yes, I know it's brown. Come here and let me smell you, to make sure it's not poop." Thankfully, it was only brown marker!!
And took almost half a box of wipes to clean her up! She did a pretty fair job of it, herself!

Jenny Evans said...

You're brave to do the smell test. A grandma's got to do what a grandma's got to do.

Lyndsay said...

Stop picking your sisters nose.

The Lady Okie said...

#18 was my favorite. Too funny! Currently I'm having to tell R not to bite her friends. Not a very funny thing to say but it's necessary!

Queen Mom Jen said...

And the list keeps growing daily doesn't it? And people wonder why mother's wander around talking to themselves when they have the rare occurrence of shopping alone?!

Purfylle said...

I was laughing by #3.

Anonymous said...

3 yo son, "Stop putting your penis on the air conditioner"
6 yo daughter, "Stop putting your butt in the air, no one wants your butt in their face"