And then I had children.
Overnight, shopping became a race to grab what I needed and get out of the store as quickly as humanly possible, before someone needed to eat, poop, or sleep.
No longer a social activity, now I keep my head down and hope no one speaks to us. If I stop to chat, one of my kids will start begging for the first thing they see and/or knock over a massive endcap display.
It's funny how having kids changes everything. Even your attitude about everyday things like:
Poop
After: [Date night] So what color was it today? Is it still all seedy? I agree, I think she's not digesting something well.
Daylight Savings Time
After: My vote for you as the president depends solely on your stance about getting rid of Daylight Savings Time.
Buying Furniture
Before: I'm looking for a sofa with sleek, clean lines and a color that's attention-grabbing but not overbearing.
After: Literally the only thing I care about is how easy it is to clean. If I could install a drain in the floor and just hose down the entire room once a day, I would.
Running Errands
Before: Oops, we're out of milk! I'll make a quick stop at the store on my way home.
After: *pep talking yourself in the mirror while baby screams in backseat* You are strong. You can do hard things. You are a survivor.
Clothes
Before: I look so good in these pants! I'm definitely buying them.
After: Are you joking? This has no pockets, no elastic in the waist, and can't be pulled up to nurse. Wait, "dry clean only?!" Who buys this garbage?
Date Night
Before: Do you want to go out or stay in? I don't really care.
After: *peeling out of the driveway*
Noise
Before: That's annoying.
After: Five minutes from now, I will either (a) have tuned it out and achieved Nirvana or (b) be screaming my head off in a closet. Could go either way.
Healthy Eating
Before: Shop locally, buy organic, avoid preservatives, get plenty of vegetables. Considering a juice cleanse or Whole 30.
After: *stress-eating pizza-flavored Goldfish at 8:30 AM*
New Year's Eve
Before: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... Happy New Year!
After: If we watch the ball drop in London on YouTube we can still be in bed by 9:30.
Houseplants
Before: Potted plants are the easiest way to add a pop of color to a room.
After: Oh, that brittle brown stalk in the corner? I believe it used to be a philodendron, but I really can't say for sure.
Sunday Mornings
Before: Sleep in, eat a leisurely breakfast, arrive on time to church.
After: *reenact scene from Home Alone, pull into the church parking lot 15 minutes after the service starts, realize that someone isn't wearing any shoes*
Phone Calls
Before: I've been so busy, it's good to hear your voice! Tell me everything you've been up to lately.
After: Hi, it's — stop licking that! — it's me. I wanted to — okay, just a minute — see if you — I said no! give me that! — I wanted to ask if you — not now, I'm on the phone — sorry, what were we talking about?
Online Shopping
Before: Awfully convenient, if you ask me.
After: I see the Amazon delivery driver more than I see my own husband. I would die if I had to bring my children to a physical store every time we needed toilet paper.
Haircuts
Before: I just got the cutest mid-length bob. And it's so low-maintenance: I can have it styled in 30 minutes.
After: This scrunchie has been in my hair since my daughter was born. She's 9.
Home Decorating
Before: I decorated this room using colors and textures inspired by this framed art piece, which is hanging over the mantel.
After: The decor theme of this room is "There Appears to Have Been a Struggle." Which is incidentally the theme of every room in the house.
Before: Hi, my appointment isn't for 15 minutes, but I was told to arrive early to fill out the paperwork.
After: If my calculations are right, we're already late for the dentist tomorrow afternoon.
Before: The unconditional love of a pet is a glorious thing.
After: There's no way we're putting one more thing in this house that needs me to pick up its poop.
You may have noticed this list both begins and ends with poop, and trust me, that wasn't a coincidence. It's just another one of the many ways your life changes after having children. But that's another post for another time.
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Appointments
Before: Hi, my appointment isn't for 15 minutes, but I was told to arrive early to fill out the paperwork.
After: If my calculations are right, we're already late for the dentist tomorrow afternoon.
Pets
Before: The unconditional love of a pet is a glorious thing.
After: There's no way we're putting one more thing in this house that needs me to pick up its poop.
You may have noticed this list both begins and ends with poop, and trust me, that wasn't a coincidence. It's just another one of the many ways your life changes after having children. But that's another post for another time.
5 comments:
Same for everything except furniture. Instead of thinking if it is easy to clean, I think about how well it will hide dirt :-)
Hahahaha. So true. Although I probably wasn’t quite that put together even Before kids... Having so many of them just gives me a valid excuse to do some of the things I did anyway!😄
Ha ha ha -- peels out of driveway for date night. :)
They're good for that, too! I prefer to talk mine grocery shopping with me so I don't look so insane when I talk to myself out loud: "What else was I going to get? Oh yeah, carrots. And some onions, too..."
Apparently you're smarter than me and I've been doing it wrong.
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