Wednesday, September 30, 2015

10 Reasons Why Pregnancy Bed Rest Is Secretly Awesome

Some people might say it’s too bad that instead of spending the last three weeks of my pregnancy organizing the nursery and re-folding baby clothes, I spent it in the hospital on bedrest.

But it wasn’t all bad. In fact, being on bedrest had some amazingly unexpected perks…

Did you know that going on bed rest when you’re pregnant is actually amazing and super-fun? Okay, I’m being totally sarcastic. Pregnancy bedrest is the worst, but maybe this funny list can help you laugh your way through it! #bedrest #pregnancy #pregnant #highriskpregnancy #humor #sarcasm #unremarkablefiles

1. Feel like a champ as you overcome your debilitating fear of needles, one stick at a time! Who needs a pregnancy glow when you're sporting black and blue bruises all up and down your arms from getting a new IV port every day?

2. Complimentary arm waxing when they rip off the tape at the old IV site. And those nurses like to use a good square foot of it every time. I knew girls in high school who shaved their arms to achieve that baby-smooth softness. Guess they didn’t know the hospital would do it for you for free.

3. Be on trend with your very own pair of compression boots. These super-fab moon boots not only squeeze and deflate to keep your legs from atrophying and falling off, they also look stunning with a pair of skinny jeans! The sweaty plastic interior and the way they give you restless leg syndrome are small prices to pay for fashion.

4. Having your vitals taken several times a day, every day, becomes a game! Guessing if your temperature is still 98.6 degrees never gets old, and the blood pressure cuff gives you a nice little hug every time. You won’t even mind it when a nurse wakes you up at 3:30 a.m. for this crucial medical examination.

5. If you didn’t get enough of having your stomach slathered with goop during routine ultrasounds, you’ll love the constant monitoring they do in the hospital! Round the clock, you’ll wear a monitor strapped around your belly, listening to the “woom, woom” sound of your unborn baby’s heartbeat. You may not need 24/7 monitoring after the first few days, but don’t worry. You’re still guaranteed a few 20-minute sessions each day.

6. Peeing in a bedpan makes you feel like the ultimate rebel! You’re lying in bed peeing, for goodness’ sakes! You know those dreams where you wet the bed and wake up frantically wondering if you actually did? This is your time to turn dreams into reality.

7. Cross your fingers and you might be granted “bathroom privileges!” Try not to leap for joy as you make your first excursion to the toilet ten feet away from your bed (after all, you’re still on bed rest.) If your body continues to behave, you could even make this a regular thing! Of course, one iffy-looking readout on the monitor and it’s right back to your old friends Bedpan and Sponge Bath.

8. Take your pregnancy insomnia to the next level! Since you’ve been lying in bed doing nothing all day, you probably don’t feel like sleeping, anyway. But just in case, there are also weird lights from the equipment in the room, unfamiliar noises in the hallways, nurses waking you up each time the monitor slides off your ginormous belly, and an IV port digging into your arm whenever you move.

9. Write with authenticity a novel narrated by a crazed shut-in! Within a week you’ll be talking to yourself, interrogating visitors for news of the outside world, and possibly even grabbing them by the collar and burying your face in their shirt to smell the outdoors.

10. Someday, you’ll be off bed rest and back to your normal life at home — this time with an increased appreciation for what it feels like to live without a sore butt, sore back, and sore everything else from lying motionless in bed all day long.

Ironically, when you go home with your newborn you’ll be so exhausted that all you’ll want to do is lie in bed... but you won’t be able to. Enjoy it while you can, ladies!

© 2015 Jenny Evans, as first published on Scary Mommy

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Jenny said...

"Please bless I never have to do bed rest." Haha I hope you won't have to do it this time around too.

Chaun said...

When I first saw this title I thought "But didn't she write an entire post on how not awesome bed rest is?" I started to read it and then all made sense again :)

-Chaun from

PurpleSlob said...

Haha! Your sense of hunor is awesome, Jenny!!
Hope you get to skip it this time!

Jenny Evans said...

You have no idea how much I do, too.

Jenny Evans said...

I had to be on bed rest because of placenta previa, nothing with me or the baby, and having had it once makes me slightly (but not very much) more likely to have it again. So I am completely serious when I say I'm praying about my placenta daily. I do not wish for a repeat on this one!