10 Most Useless Pieces of Baby Gear

Allow me to let you in on a little secret about babies: they need next to nothing.

Sleeps 20 hours a day. Doesn't need much.
photo by Milan Jurek

American Baby magazine does not have your best interest at heart when they publish lists of must-have stuff for your infant.

As a frugal mother of six, here are the 10 most useless pieces of baby gear, compiled from my own personal experience of raising small humans.

1. Wipes Warmer. I get it in theory. But in practice, babies don't care if their wipes are room temperature or not. And after a few days into your new gig as a parent, you won't either. Newborns poop and pee about 800 times a day. You will spend half your waking hours changing diapers, and practically speaking, you simply can't afford to spend the other half warming up wipes.

2. Diaper Pail. Do you know what a Diaper Genie is? A trash can with really expensive refills. You already have a trash can and already get plastic bags from the grocery store for free, so just one to tie up stinky diapers and throw them in the regular trash.

3. High Chair. We ditched our expensive, bulky monstrosity years ago for a simple booster seat with an attachable tray. It unobtrusively straps on to one of our regular chairs at the table, doesn't take up an entire corner, and doesn't make our dining room look like Chuck E. Cheese. I think it cost us about $40 at Wal-Mart.

4. Boppy. It's huge, it's ugly, and when it inevitably gets barf or breastmilk on it, it takes up an entire load in the washing machine. It's never around when you need it, and basically your older kids just carry it around throwing it at each other. Just use a regular pillow, or sit Indian-style, while you nurse and your life will be much simpler.

5. Nursing cover. These things have become super-popular in the last couple of years. But if you look closely, you'll find that they've already been invented: they're called a blanket. When you're pregnant you're going to receive 5 million baby blankets as gifts, and then they multiply at night when you're not looking. You'll be drowning in blankets, I promise.

6. Baby Einstein. First off, babies don't watch TV, even if you try to fool them by putting the word "Baby" in the title of the DVD. Really, any baby toy is a waste of money. Babies' favorite toys are ceiling fans, empty Tupperware containers, paper, and random kitchen utensils. Seriously: every time I need to keep a baby entertained I always start with the baby toys, and they end up playing with a potato masher.

7. Changing Table. A changing table is a flat surface upon which to change your baby's diaper, and lucky for you there are already dozens of those in your house! The floor, the bed, or any sofa, bench, or large ottoman will do. For the first few months, babies are short enough that I find it easiest to just change them on my lap, anyway.

8. Size 1 Shoes. If your child isn't yet walking, please don't buy shoes. Every pair you buy represents hours that you will spend searching the house, rifling through the diaper bag, and backtracking through the supermarket to find the one that fell off in the cereal aisle. My oldest is now 12 and trust me, you'll be searching for lost shoes until your child grows up and moves out, so don't start before you have to.

9. Splat Mat. This is a nifty waterproof mat that goes under the baby's high chair to protect your rug and floor from food spills. Unfortunately, your baby doesn't know he's supposed to drop food on the mat instead of fling it all over the walls and windows. And anyway, you have a child now which means your entire house is a splat mat. Just accept it.

10. Baby Bath Seat. When their baby outgrows the baby bathtub, some parents put them in a bath seat or a bath ring in the full-size bathtub. Which is fine, if you also happen to enjoy kneeling on the tile floor and wasting 40 gallons of water for an immobile person who weighs less than a Christmas ham. The sink, on the other hand, is a perfect size and height, and is already conveniently installed in your kitchen. Babies can happily bathe in the sink until well into their toddler years.

So if you're expecting, don't pay attention to people talking about how much babies cost. Of course you could buy every fancy and frivolous baby accessory at Baby Depot, but you won't. And your baby will be fine. You'll be fine.

In fact, your diaper bag will be lighter and your house won't be a landfill for outgrown stuff your baby never really used, anyway.

You'll be more than fine.

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