Monday, March 27, 2017

Realistic Nominations for the Best Toy Awards

In going through our house and doing a serious purge of items that aren't worth keeping, I've done a lot of thinking about what makes a good toy.

Good toys encourage imagination and inspire creativity. A good toy holds a child's attention and never sits collecting dust for long because the kids are always playing with it.

If they gave out awards for great toys based on that definition, these would definitely be the winners in our house.

#10: Loose Change


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Older kids like to ferret away the shiny little circles like, well, ferrets. Younger kids love to put them in their mouths; maybe they're thrill seekers but with choking hazards instead of skydiving, or maybe they just enjoy putting their immune systems to the ultimate test. Either way, coins are a popular item around here.

#9: The Printer


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Something about all the lights on the printer display calls to my children's souls on a deeper level than you or I could ever understand. And since every button-punching session causes a terrific series of buzzing, beeping, and paper feeding through the printer, it only reinforces their behavior. They love to fiddle with the paper tray, and the fact that there's exactly enough space to shove in all five fingers and some Hot Wheels cars settles it: this is an amazing toy.

#8: The Toilet Flush Handle 


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

It's right at cruising height for my 10-month-old and every time he pushes it there's a delightful rushing sound plus a psychedelic swirl of water plus whatever he's thrown into the bowl beforehand get sucked down the hole and disappears. No wonder pushing the toilet flush handle is like crack for babies.

#7: Vaseline


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Smooth, squishy, and there's usually a jumbo-size tub of it within arm's reach of every changing table. Hands-down it's my kids' absolute favorite substance for painting walls, floors, bedding, clothing, and themselves. Why nobody has  invented tubs of petroleum jelly with child-proof lids yet, I honestly don't know.

#6: The Salad Spinner


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

All the implements in my kitchen are pretty popular toys around here, but the salad spinner is the clear front-runner. I'd estimate it's been used to spin non-food objects for fun 20-30 times more often than it has actually been used for salad.

#5: My Bed


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

The kids love to jump on my bed. They see it as a trampoline that stretches infinitely in all directions  which, when compared with the size of their tiny toddler bed mattress, I suppose it sort of is.

#4: The Curtains


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

We've bent and re-bent the curtain rod back into place so many times I've lost count. On at least two occasions I've caught my 30-pound toddler literally swinging from the curtains like Tarzan on a jungle vine. They're also ideal for games of hide-and-seek, playing peek-a-boo, or just hiding behind to poop.

#3: Living Room Sofa


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Kids of all ages love to stand on, climb on, jump on, and generally leap and cavort all over the battle-worn couches in our living room. Especially popular is the trifecta of sofa, loveseat, and coffee table parkour that has been responsible for at least one trip to the emergency room.

#2: Computer Keyboard


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

"If adults don't want us to play with the keyboard," my children reason, "they shouldn't have made it so fun to pop off all the keys." (That's not a direct quote. I'm just inferring.)

#1: My Phone


If I were to list my kids' absolute favorite toys, you wouldn't see a single toy on the list. No, they like to play with my stuff. And it usually doesn't end well.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

My smartphone is the obvious winner, and I know because every night I delete 489 blurry photos of a preschooler's earlobe. I don't know when or how she gets her hands on my phone, but where there's a will there's a way. And holy moly, is there a will.


Let's hear a round of applause for the winners of the Best Toy Awards, and I'd also like to give a shout-out to the runners up. Computer Speakers, Bin of Dry Rice in the Pantry, and Toilet Plunger: thanks for being there to entertain my kids when they need you.

Click to Share:
Unremarkable Files

24 comments:

  1. You're not only super on point with these but also quite funny in your description of them all. Child proof lids on vaseline? Genius.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd like to nominate any splashable puddle of liquid found in the house. Double entry if it is the kids own urine.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This made me laugh way too hard.

      Delete
    2. OhMyGoodness, Ann-Marie, you are too funny! And so fun to see you again after "Answer Me This" ended!

      Delete
  3. Vaseline!!! Oh my gosh I thought R was just a total weirdo, but apparently that's a real thing to be obsessed with. Why???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The tub pictured here is a new one: I threw away our previous one after I'd cleaned up about 5 big messes in a week and had sheets/clothes ruined with Vaseline and thought, "This is not worth the $3.49 it would cost to just buy another one when I need it!"

      Delete
  4. The salad spinner is such a favorite here! Thankfully ours has found its true purpose and only spins lettuce, but there were a few years where I had to wash lint out of it every time I needed it, because it was constantly filled with buttons and pom poms...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Gracie is OBSESSED with soaps and lotions and baby powder. I have to hide all of it. Kids are crazy!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ha yes, I remember when my kids always wanted to flush the toilet!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why do they have to make the handles so SHINY?

      Delete
  7. Mine loved keys - real keys. They were constantly wanting to play with them. Totally uninterested in the plastic ones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How could I have left keys off the list? Of course the plastic ones are totally lame and they have no interest in them. They only want to drool in my key fob.

      Delete
  8. How about your earrings? What's amazing to me is that I cringe inside much more than you do. Maybe it's not as bad as I image to have your earrings ripped out?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Luckily it's never happened, but it's not the most painful tear I can imagine. (Six kids, 5 vaginal births... I'll let everyone here read between the lines on this one.)

      Delete
  9. What about Mommy's shoes? I don't know of any kid who hasn't put on their parents shoes and tromped around with them on for extended periods of time.

    This is as always a wonderfully funny, but right on track post about parenting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My closet door has a shoe rack on it with not one complete pair of shoes anywhere on it. The kids are always taking them down and playing with them. I later find them in a different spot on the rack, or more often, under the bed or in their plastic toy wagon!

      Delete
  10. Yes, yes, and yes. As always, spot on, Jenny! I have to add measuring spoons. Mine were found on the fireplace mantel at last check.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes to all of these. My toddlers current favourite is the washing up bowl! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    ReplyDelete
  12. ahahaha, Youngest's favourite toy is the dining room table which seems to have confused as her own personal stage or diving board. She sometimes likes to dive from the table onto the settee. Giving me a heart attack! #FridayFrolics

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We may have had an E.R. trip caused by jumping from the coffee table onto the sofa here.

      Delete
  13. In my house, it's boxes. Big boxes, little boxes, and everything in between. Also, laundry baskets, flashlights, and the TV remote.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Looks like I will need to write a follow up post with all these great suggestions!

      Delete
  14. Jenny, this post is hilarious! It made my choice for my #FridayFrivolity feature this week SO easy! Can't wait to read what you write next!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Haha - yes, the best toys are anything that is not actually a toy! Though round here, the printer doubles as a cat toy, not a kid toy! Thanks so much for joining us for #FridayFrolics

    ReplyDelete