Wednesday, December 20, 2017

25 Signs You're Elbow-Deep in This Parenting Stuff

Parenting is the craziest job there is, filled with highs and lows and butt wiping. (Why, oh why is there so much butt wiping?) And when you're totally immersed in the world of raising tiny humans, it shows.

When you're totally immersed in the world of raising tiny humans, it shows.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

If you're smack in the middle of this parenting thing, you can relate so hard to all of these.

1. Your love language is silence.

2. You find an unflushed toilet in the house and don't think it's gross. Okay, maybe a little gross. But not super unusual.

3. You've ever cancelled plans because it would require moving a child's car seat.

4. When sweeping the floor after dinner, you say to yourself "Did I even make this much food?"

5. You can't call your kid without yelling the name of their siblings, the dog, and the children in the British Royal Family first.

6. The living room curtain rods are going to snap in half if you have to bend them back into place one more time.

7. You've discussed bodily functions at length around the dinner table.

8. You have sternly disapproved of a giant mess and then posted a picture of it on Facebook.

9. You've ever tried to put child-sized shoes on your own feet. Or put your coat on a child.

10. Authoritative phrases like "brush your teeth" and "buckle your seat belt" randomly fly out of your mouth, even when they make no sense in the current situation.

11. Your treats are hastily devoured while crouching in the corner like Gollum.

When you're totally immersed in the world of raising tiny humans, it shows.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

12. You find yourself horrified by almost every single movie you enjoyed watching as a kid. Seriously, where were your parents??

13. You've been interrupted three times during a single meal to go wipe someone's butt.

14. Your most often-worn accessory is someone else's bodily fluids.

15. You've ever yelled "STOP YELLING!" at someone without even a hint of irony.

16. You've ever signed up for a membership to somewhere mostly because it offered free child care.

17. New Year's resolutions are usually less "lose weight" and more "find all the Mr. Potato Head parts in the house."

18. When you turn your purse upside-down, no less than 5 receipts, 2 toys, and what appears to be a handful of Shake-n-Bake fall out.

19. You've gotten mad at someone for hurting themselves. Again.

20. You are so fast at re-rolling toilet paper you could get a job in the Charmin factory.

21. Right now, you could make the rounds in your house and car and come up with a complete set of cutlery and dinnerware.

22. Automated phone systems can never understand you through all the screaming.

23. You've ever gotten the heebie-jeebies from a rogue toy making noise at 2 AM.

24. You've pretended on more than one occasion not to be offended when you're dead in other people's imaginary play.

25. You've avoided eye contact with a child because you know it will make them start crying.


So the next time you're about to hurl your phone across the room because the robot voice at customer service keeps trying to translate your kids' fart noises in the background into speech, just remember: it's all part of the job.

And you are elbow-deep in it, my friend.

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Unremarkable Files

6 comments:

  1. I always get called out to wipe a butt as soon as I lay down for a nap or try to relax in any way. No joke. My husband laughs every time because the timing is so spot on lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They can sense relaxation. It's a known fact.

      Delete
  2. And I just bought laura a Mr. Potato Head for Christmas . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Great! Now you already have your resolution for next year.

      Delete
  3. Just to let you guys know, these are the good times...so many years later, I long for those beautiful, happy days when my entire day was full of feeding small people, picking up toys and wiping butts!

    ReplyDelete