Tuesday, November 14, 2017

Why Moms Are Crazy

Heaven forbid that your husband or anyone else you know ever points it out, but did you ever notice that since you had children you're a little... crazy?

Of course we moms are crazy. The billion tiny socks on the floor have driven us there.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

It's not your fault, though! Here are just a few of the reasons moms have one foot practically in the loony bin.

Tiny socks. They're everywhere. The kids could be barefoot 98% of the time but your house would still be coated in a thin film of child-size socks.

Remembering everyone's likes and dislikes. Child 1 will only eat ham sandwiches with the crusts cut off while Child 2 hates ham and doesn't like bread with seeds in it. Or is it the other way around? Oh, and every couple of weeks they randomly change their minds just to mess with you. Good luck packing lunches.

Washing clean dishes. My kids do this cute thing where they get a new cup, take a single sip of water, and dump it in the sink for me to wash about 12 times a day. #blessed

Toys that sing annoying songs. Even though the song makes you want to poke your eardrums out with a chopstick, somehow you'll still catch yourself singing it in the shower. And it will make you question every life decision you've made up to this point.

Re-folding clothes. I live for that glorious 5 seconds between finishing a huge pile of laundry and watching a child come barreling through it like a linebacker.

YouTube videos of people playing video games. Or "unboxing" anything. Or singing annoying songs about ducks and lemonade stands that you're going to find yourself humming in the shower later.

Murphy's law. You mop, the kids spill milk all over the floor. You wash your hair, someone pukes in it. You stop carrying around a change of clothes after your kid is potty trained... I think you get it.

Hand towels. By 10 AM you're ready to nail all of the hand towels to the wall. You're pretty sure your kids don't even wash their hands when you're not there, so it's a real mystery how they get pulled off the rod in the first place.

Blankets everywhere. My kids come downstairs every morning wrapped in their blankets from bed, and then they shed them on the floor wherever and whenever feels right to them. And then they leave for school and I can't even see the carpet.

Listening to kids describe their dreams. I'm all ears when it comes to their dreams and aspirations for the future. But I'm talking about when they come downstairs saying, "Mom, I dreamed I was at Grandma's house, but it wasn't Grandma's, but it kind of was like Grandma's house except the stairs were different and for some reason my teacher was there, too, but then she turned into someone else but I still knew it was my teacher and..."

Finding things in your shoes. Kids play with everything. Everything. They enter your closet and take out pairs of your shoes and fill them up with travel-sized lotions from your bathroom. Because that is a completely logical thing to do.

Port-a-potties. It's gross enough to use one yourself. Try maneuvering around in there with a kid or two, especially one with no qualms about touching everything or making 100 disgusting observations about the potty's contents while you're trapped in there with them.

"Hand wash only" items. You have got to be kidding me.

Plot summaries of kids' movies that are longer than the actual run time of the film. Well, there went two days of your life you can never get back again.

Pinterest. Are you telling me that in addition to getting the kids up on the first day of school, feeding them breakfast, packing lunches, and getting them to the bus on time, I'm also supposed to hand-paint a chalkboard sign with their autobiography on it and take a picture every year? No wonder we're all basketcases.

Throw pillows. If Target wanted to showcase how they'd actually look in your house, they'd be scattered all over the floor of the home decor aisle, along with all the couch cushions from home furnishings.

Kids waste everything. Entire rolls of floss unrolled for no reason. Boxes of Band-Aids used to cover invisible wounds. Food dumped on the floor. Doors and windows left open to heat the neighborhood. Welcome to parenthood: hope you like throwing money down the toilet.

Of course we moms are crazy. The billion tiny socks on the floor have driven us there.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Mom guilt. Let the kids sort out their own problems, or you're the helicopter parent of a dependent slug who's going to live at home until they're 45. But also don't do that, unless you want your neglected youth to seek love and acceptance leading a gang in prison.

Nothing stays where we put it. Parenthood is a magical realm where scissors, phones, wallets, and any other object we put down can (and will) just grow legs and wander away. Logic is useless in figuring out where the missing object could be. It could be literally anywhere. If I were you, I'd start by looking in your shoe.

Clothes on the floor beside the hamper. No matter what kind of receptacle for dirty laundry you have in your kids' rooms or where you place it, there will always be piles of dirty clothes sitting 2" from it.

Changing the toilet paper roll. I cannot count the number of times I've walked into a bathroom to see a new toilet paper roll on top of the empty one still on the holder. It's like I'm the only one who can see it.

Automatic flush toilets. If your child has ever suffered from PTSD after an auto-flush toilet went off while she was still sitting on it, you know exactly what I mean. Other things that drive us crazy are the deafening super-sonic hand dryers and the feminine hygiene boxes in the stalls... pretty much everything about public restrooms is the worst.

Having things shoved in your eyeball. I'd love to look at the thing you're so excited to show me, kids. Which I will, as soon as I dislodge it from my cornea.

How we literally can't have anything nice. My kids have broken full-length mirrors, drawn on computer monitors, dented walls, stabbed the table repeatedly with a fork, peed on mattresses, run through screen doors, pulled down the living room curtains, and broken a hole in the ceiling with a bouncy ball. And these are generally well-behaved kids we're talking about.

People hurting themselves doing the exact thing we told them to stop doing. It's not even gratifying to say "I told you so." Okay, sometimes it kind of is.

Glitter. I think scattering glitter all over the house when doing craft projects is a kindergartner's way of establishing dominance. I really do.

Bedtime. Why does bedtime come at the end of the day, when you're already frazzled, fried, and exhausted? Under those circumstances, you can't really expect a person not to totally lose it when someone pops out of their room for the 15th time after lights out to ask if there are boy ladybugs, too.

Being the finder. Not only are you expected to know where everyone's belongings are at all times (usually, you do), but when you suggest places to look, those same people will argue with you as to why their things couldn't possibly be in any of those places (and usually, they are.)

Accommodating requests while driving. Kids could really care less if you're a tad occupied with, say, merging onto the freeway in a snowstorm. They want some water and a new radio station, and they want it now.

We love our kids and wouldn't give them up for all the brain cells in the world which is a good thing, because motherhood is making you lose your mind.

One unmatched sock at a time.

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11 comments:

  1. Boy ladybugs had me laughing so hard, I couldn't even talk!!

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    1. It's a very important thing to be thinking about an hour past bedtime, apparently.

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  2. You are hilarious. Yes to the travel size shampoo in my shoes. That has happened to me.

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  3. Definitely the handtowel problem here!

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  4. The YouTube video "fads"--the duck song, the pineapple pen song, the raining tacos song, what's next???

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    1. The teachers at school often show the kids funny little YouTube videos at breaks between classes, and then they come home and make me watch them. The last one was "The Coconut Song" which is BY FAR the most annoying and catchy song I've ever heard. I don't know who makes these things or why. Probably because they hate me. What must it have been like to parent before dumb YouTube videos was a thing??

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  5. The singing toys are totally my nemesis. Why must they be everywhere?! Especially at check out areas.....

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    1. When my kids start playing with a noisy toy at checkout I always offer my condolences to the cashier. They've had to stand there listening to it for the last several hours non-stop whenever kids come through the line!

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  6. Things shoved in your eyeball! Gaaaa!! Yes!

    Totally related with the “getting hurt doing what you just told them not to do” too. Hahaha.

    Re: the billion water cup problem, we have one of these cups for each kid (I hung them on a wall instead of the fridge) and it has been LIFE CHANGING. They were expensive for just stupid little plastic cups with hooks, but I tell you, not having empty cups all over the counter is sooo worth it!
    https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B01M0DX0UX/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1510870568&sr=8-1&keywords=puj+cups&dpPl=1&dpID=31R%2BROj99QL&ref=plSrch

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  7. This was hilarious and SO TRUE. I"m so glad I popped over here from Katy's blog to read this! Totally sharing on my page. :)

    It's freaking NUTS this mom gig. My latest favorite insanity is my teenage daughter coming downstairs frustrated that she slept late and was stressed about being late for school- She immediately began with, "MOM! Why didn't you wake me up?!!"

    "Um, honey... I did. You said you'd be down in ten minutes."

    "No I said wake me UP in ten minutes!"

    "Um, no. No you didn't."

    "Well, I MEANT that!"

    Yeah... get a straight jacket and admit me NOW!!!!

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