1. Feel like a champ as you overcome your debilitating fear of needles, one stick at a time! When you’re getting a new IV port every 3 days, no glow can compare with the lovely black and blue bruises you’ll be sporting all up and down your arms. Hello, pregnancy glow!
2. Complimentary arm waxing when they rip off the tape at the old IV site. And those nurses like to use a good square foot of it every time. I knew girls in high school who shaved their arms to achieve that baby-smooth softness. Guess they didn’t know the hospital would do it for you for free.
3. Be on trend with your very own pair of compression boots. These super-fab moon boots not only squeeze and deflate to keep your legs from atrophying and falling off, they also look stunning with a pair of skinny jeans! The sweaty plastic interior and the way they give you restless leg syndrome are small prices to pay for fashion.
4. Having your vitals taken several times a day, every day, becomes a game! Guessing if your temperature is still 98.6 degrees never gets old, and the blood pressure cuff gives you a nice little hug every time. You won’t even mind it when a nurse wakes you up at 3:30 a.m. for this crucial medical examination.
5. If you didn’t get enough of having your stomach slathered with goop during routine ultrasounds, you’ll love the constant monitoring they do in the hospital! Round the clock, you’ll wear a monitor strapped around your belly, listening to the “woom, woom” sound of your unborn baby’s heartbeat. You may not need 24/7 monitoring after the first few days, but don’t worry. You’re still guaranteed a few 20-minute sessions each day.
6. Peeing in a bedpan will make you feel like the ultimate rebel. You’re lying in bed peeing, for goodness’ sakes! You know those dreams where you wet the bed and wake up frantically wondering if you actually did? This is your time to turn dreams into reality.
7. If the bedpan’s not for you, cross your fingers and you might be granted “bathroom privileges.” Try not to leap for joy as you make your first excursion to the toilet ten feet away from your bed (after all, you’re still on bed rest.) If your body continues to behave, you could even make this a regular thing! Of course, one iffy-looking readout on the monitor and it’s right back to your old friends Bedpan and Sponge Bath.
8. This is your chance to take your pregnancy insomnia to the next level. Since you’ve been lying in bed doing nothing all day, you probably don’t feel like sleeping, anyway. But just in case, there are also weird lights from the equipment in the room, unfamiliar noises in the hallways, nurses waking you up each time the monitor slides off your ginormous belly, and an IV port digging into your arm whenever you move.
9. You can now write with authenticity a novel narrated by a completely crazed shut-in. Within a week you’ll be talking to yourself, interrogating visitors for news of the outside world, and possibly even grabbing them by the collar and burying your face in their shirt to smell the outdoors.
10. Someday, you’ll be off bed rest and back to your normal life at home — this time with an increased appreciation for what it feels like to live without a sore butt, sore back, and sore everything else from lying motionless in bed all day long.
Ironically, when you go home with your newborn you’ll be so exhausted that all you’ll want to do is lie in bed... but you won’t be able to. Enjoy it while you can, ladies!
© 2015 Jenny Evans, as first published on Scary Mommy