7 Quick Takes about Birthday Gifts, a Bunch of Theater Performances, and the Key to Happiness (Apparently)

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

Well, we had just about the nicest Memorial Day you could ever hope for. Everyone was home, which doesn't happen very often when you've got school-aged children in May, and I thoroughly enjoyed the day.

In the morning, Phillip went to play basketball and I took the kids to the playground right across the street. When he was done, we sat in the shade by the curb and waited for the Memorial Day parade to go past so we could wave at our 9th-grader, who was marching with the band.

After lunch, we spent a few hours at the beach with some friends and it felt so nice to be outside I never wanted to leave.

Ten years ago I used to feel sorry for people who had "nothing" to do on holidays, but now that I'm the parent of a family who is busy all the time, I know it's actually the best thing in the world.

—2—

We also celebrated my birthday on Memorial Day. My actual birthday was last Wednesday, but when you have a bunch of school-aged kids in May you can only get the entire family in the same room about once a week if you're lucky.

I loved Phillip's gift, mostly because Phillip knows me well enough to realize that telling me he got a great deal on my gift is like a gift in itself.

I get super-excited about saving money on stuff, and this means I get all the exultation of scoring a great deal without any of the work involved in tracking one down.

Anyway, I've had my eye on some new dishes for a while and Phillip found them on clearance at Kohl's for $11.

Eleven dollars, people.

Then we had brownies and my favorite mint ice cream in my brand-new dishes.

Bonus: our old dishes were too deep to lick the last dregs of ice cream out of the bowl, but these are much shallower profile so I was able to enjoy every last drop of my birthday ice cream.

—3—

From the kids, I received some sweet DIY birthday coupons (not these, but almost as good) and a few other handmade gifts.

My 11-year-old made me a personalized, moving e-card using computer programming, which was pretty cool.

My 7-year-old made and illustrated this book for me:

The cover.

I love that she is thanking me for doing the vacuuming.

The time I sewed her doll that was coming apart at the seams — see Take #6 here for the full story.

She even had her older brother help her write up a table of contents to put at the beginning. It was legit.

—4—

Phillip and I really enjoyed going to see our 15-year-old in her school play.

We left the 13-year-old in charge at home and it was sort of like a date, if on a date you also swing by the town dump first to drop something off. #marriedlife

Later I wished we'd attended the following night's performance, because my daughter told us that when the female lead Caitlyn kissed the male lead, Caitlyn's 7-year-old sister could clearly be heard in the audience exclaiming "EEEEEEWWW!"

—5—

We also watched a friend from church perform in a kids' community theater production of Les Mis, and though Les Mis sounds like a pretty ambitious musical to pull off using only cast members under the age of 19, they did a phenomenal job.

I've never seen a collection of teenagers with such incredible voices, in particular the kid who played Enjolras, the leader of the French revolution. He was only a junior in high school but had the kind of voice that was so big it wasn't that much of a stretch to picture him as an opera singer.

I asked him after the show how long he'd been singing, and he said he'd never taken a voice lesson in his life. Some people are just born amazing, I guess.

—6—

I received this in the mail from a bank that wants me to apply for their credit card.

For the first 6 months they will only charge me a low, low rate of 3.99% on my purchases, and if that alone isn't enough to convince me, just look at this happy gal chillaxing in a canoe! I could be her!

Clearly thrilled to be in debt.

I didn't know paying an extra 4% on all your monthly purchases could be so liberating. Apparently, I'm doing life all wrong. SIGN ME UP.

—7—

I went clothes shopping, which is something I only do once every couple of years because I don't like doing it.

But I tried to enjoy the process as much as I could. I went to my favorite thrift store in the whole world and found a handful of things, my favorite being this T-shirt.

Didn't realize until posting that there was a funny shadow on my shirt in this picture. I'm not a fashion blogger. Sorry not sorry.

My family members all say they don't get it, but that must be because they're not moms of 6 kids who feel most of the time like they have an actual hamster running on a wheel for a brain.

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The Menu of a Restaurant Owned and Operated by My 3-Year-old

Welcome to Bizarre Combinations, the only restaurant in the world owned and operated by a 3-year-old.

Prior to opening this establishment, my 3-year-old spent countless hours serving me toy food from the play kitchen in the children's room at the public library.

I'm honored to present to you the menu of Bizarre Combinations, which was prepared using photographs of all the actual dishes he served to me during our most recent library visit.

MENU

Septuple Scoop of Ice Cream and Pot of Coffee

$12.50

Screw moderation and start your day off right with this entire pot of coffee and a 7-decker rainbow ice cream cone. No cup, no nonsense — just two week's worth of caffeine and sugar.

Slice of Pepperoni Pizza and Green Pepper

$15.50

Why put the pepper on the pizza when you can eat it whole as a side dish instead? This crunchy bell pepper nestled in a blue bowl is the perfect accompaniment to buttery deep dish pepperoni pizza.

Purple Teacup Surprise

$7

Muffins are anything but ordinary when served in a whimsically-colored teacup! When you see how perfectly our whole wheat muffins fit inside this dainty cup, you won't be able to resist shouting "Bottoms up!"

Fried Chicken 'n Muffins

$17.50

In this finger-lickin' fusion of baked and fried, everyone's favorite generic brown muffin is back! This powerhouse combination of nondescript muffin and crispy breaded chicken drumstick is served on a colorful repurposed dollhouse rug.

Red Spatula Special

$10

Nothing can beat the earthy aroma of this locally-sourced red plastic spatula being gently percolated to perfection. This decadent treat is gluten-free, calorie-free, and guilt-free. You just might want to order two!

Healthy Vegan Sampler

$17.50

This tasty, 100% animal-friendly sampler features a hand-tossed salad of seedless California grapes and a plain sugar cone, served with a raw potato in a colander. 

Randomly add rice for $1.50.

Seasonal Grilled Platter

$25

Enjoy all the tastes of summer with our own delightful blend of fresh-off-the-grill favorites including ice cream, fresh cinnamon roll, and slightly underripe banana — all expertly char-grilled to produce the boldest flavors of the season.

Corn on the Cob with a Pot O' Tea

$13.50

An ear of juicy, farm-fresh corn on the cob served with piping hot herbal tea.

Teacups available on request.* 

*teacups are all filled with muffins.

Pizza with Ketchup and a Drink

$14.50

There's only one way to improve our classic "everything" pizza: top it with thick, rich tomato ketchup! Your server will then proceed to pour you a glass of juice from the ketchup bottle, but just go along with it like it makes sense.

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7 Quick Takes about Prescription-Strength Arithmetic Problems, A Personal Pet Peeve of Mine, and the Key to Thunderous Applause

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I got exposed to poison ivy. When most people touch poison ivy, they break out in an itchy rash.

That happens to me, too, but my body also hits the panic button and completely flips out.

I was itchy from head to toe (not just at the contact site but everywhere) and I also felt like when you have a bad sunburn and anything but cool air hurts your skin.

I was determined to ride it out without medicine, but when it got so bad I couldn't sleep for two nights straight I finally broke down and asked for a round of steroids.

When I picked up my prescription, these were the dosing instructions on the label:

Sounds suspiciously like a word problem from the SAT.

I was worried I'd need to go get out my graphing calculator to figure this one out, but I was relieved to see once I opened the package that each pill was clearly labeled and no math was necessary.

—2—

I rarely exercise. I know I should, but I really don't like it. And I always have a hundred other things to do, so...

But I'm trying to get better, so I decided to do a quick little routine at home in the morning. I was about to start when my 3-year-old asked me to do something for him.

"I will do that right after I work out," I told him.

"Work out?"

"Yeah."

Cocking his head at me, he asked "What's that mean?

IT'S BEEN A WHILE, OKAY? Way to rub it in.

—3—

Someone at church forwarded me this article written by a Jewish columnist about taking a tour of a temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I enjoyed the humor and the writing, but I also deeply appreciated that he followed the church's preferred style guide for journalists and avoided referring to us as "Mormons."

I've become extra-conscious of that kind of thing ever since I made the deliberate decision last year to drop the word "Mormon" from my writing. Our prophet had asked us to consciously use the full name of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, opting for "Latter-day Saint" instead of "Mormon" when an abbreviation is really necessary, and I have some strong-ish feelings about that.

I don't have a lot of things I'd call pet peeves, but it bothers me to hear fellow members of my church continuing to say "oh, I'm Mormon" as if nothing ever happened, and here's why.

I know people from the blogosphere who made real sacrifices when we were asked to stop calling ourselves Mormons. "Mormon" was part of their blog's title and so for them, following the prophet of God meant changing the names of their blogs, undoing hundreds or thousands of hours of work and completely rebranding. The thought of that is enough to make any blogger want to cry.

For most of us, though, no such sacrifice is necessary. It costs us nothing to say "member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" instead of "Mormon." We could hardly be asked to do anything simpler.

So if you are a Latter-day Saint and you struggle to retrain your vocabulary or just don't think it's that big of a deal, please re-read President Nelson's original plea (or maybe just read 1 Nephi 17: 41,) and reconsider. It would make my day.

—4—

I was so excited to attend the graduation of a friend of mine who went back to school and earned her biotechnology certificate this week!

I felt it was the perfect occasion to give her this official nameplate for her new desk:

Also appropriate for using at home, placing on your dashboard, carrying around in your purse, etc.

And as president of the student trustees she also got to sit up front and wear the fancy robe, so you'd better believe she's a big deal.

That's my friend.

—5—

Graduations have changed since I was young. When I finished high school and college, phones with built-in cameras weren't even a thing.

I guess now they have to ask graduates to refrain from taking selfies as they cross the stage to receive their diplomas because it holds up the whole procession.

Oh, the progress of the human race.

Also, I remember a few people in my high school graduating class writing HI MOM in masking tape on their mortarboards, but at this graduation there were so many decorated mortarboards. Really fancy ones, too.

Decorating your mortarboard is like tying a colorful piece of fabric on your luggage: it makes you/it easier to spot in a crowd. Of course, that's assuming not everyone else has the exact same idea.

Ironically, it could have been equally effective for many of the graduates to tell their families to look for the plain hat and they could've found them faster.

—6—

My kids usually like each other and get along well, but lately my 7- and 10-year-olds have been incessantly bickering.

When they started up again on the way to Phillip's voice recital last weekend, I'd had it. We were about a mile from the recital hall, so I pulled over and told them they were walking the rest of the way.

Although I suspect many of us as children were told to take a hike when our parents were tired of dealing with our crap, it isn't a common form of discipline in this day and age. Still, I highly recommend it for three reasons:

1. Peace and quiet in the car for the rest of the way (!)
2. They walked off the pent-up energy they were using to fight with each other.
3. By the time they met us at the recital hall, they were laughing and joking with each other, just like I knew they would be.

In our house, the "consequence" for fighting with siblings is often spending time doing something together for just those reasons, and in this case it worked beautifully.

—7—

At the recital, I received several compliments on the kids' good behavior.

People were particularly impressed with the 3- and 5-year-olds, who clapped vigorously at the end of every song like their lives depended on it.

Or at least like their access to the refreshments depended on it.

I told them if they were "good audience members," which they apparently took to mean "clapped louder than anyone every time," they could have refreshments at the end.

So the night was full of unconventional and somewhat questionable parenting methods that resulted in parenting wins, as far as I was concerned.

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37 Things About Me on My 37th Birthday

Today is my 37th birthday, so here are 37 things you might not know about your favorite blogger:

1. I'm never sure how old I am. I was halfway through this post before going "Wait... I am turning 37, right?"

2. I'm a closet free-range parent. I'm not preaching on the street corner about it, but I love the idea of letting actual risk instead of worst-case scenario fear inform my parenting decisions.

3. I don't understand herbal tea. It tastes like grass clippings smell.

4. I think the new Ghostbusters is the best movie ever.

5. Ironically, I think the original Ghostbusters from 1984 is the worst movie ever.

6. Phillip sucks at making sure people leave me alone when we've agreed this is my undisturbed writing time. I've been in here for 10 minutes and three kids have already come in to say hi or ask me where their soccer shinguards are.

7. I drink maybe three carbonated beverages a year, all of them root beer.

8. I love Amazon Prime.

9. I don't ever want a dog. They smell, they ruin your furniture, they're expensive to feed, they lick disgusting things and then kiss you, you can't go anywhere without getting a sitter for them, and you have to clean up their poop.

10. I realize these are all reasons people give for not wanting kids.

11. I have 6 kids.

12. I'm obsessed with cookie dough smoothies.

13. I have Reynaud's Syndrome, where my fingers and toes are hypersensitive to cold. They often turn white and go numb, especially in the fall and winter.

14. I've been told that I parent like someone from two generations ago. I take that as a compliment.

15. My laptop background is a picture of a bird we call Harriet the Male Guinea Fowl (it started wandering around our yard last summer and I thought it was a female turkey so the kids named it Harriet, later to find out it was neither female nor a turkey.) I'm not sure how Harriet came to be my wallpaper and I'm not sure how to remove him, either.

16. As a writer, I brainstorm better and faster with a pen and paper than I do with a computer.

17. I have one and only one game on my phone called Drop 7. I started playing it when I had a million hours a day to kill during pregnancy bed rest in the hospital with #5.

18. My favorite saying is "Use it up, wear it out, make do or do without."

19. I don't use my personal Facebook account. It only exists because I need one to run a Facebook page for my blog.

20. Sometimes I drive to the high school and back four times a day. I can't wait for my high schooler to get her license.

21. I once got mad at my extended family for turning on the Olympics because I'd decided my first baby wasn't going to watch any TV. First-time mom crazy is real, guys.

22. I have 7 tabs open on my Internet browser right now. That's less than normal.

23. A box of foam panels has been sitting in the corner of our bedroom for 2 years. We plan to make decorative panels to absorb the echoes in our living room, but by the time we get around to it, it's likely all the noisy children who live here will have grown up and moved away.

24. I grind my teeth in my sleep. (I've been assured my mouthguard makes me look incredibly attractive.)

Bonus fun fact: I HATE taking selfies.

25. Phillip and I once applied to be foster parents but found out on the day of our home inspection that I was pregnant.

26. I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for 19 years and it was the best decision I ever made.

27.  I hate decorating. Some people do and redo the rooms in their houses for fun, but what I'd like is to pick a paint color and never have to think about it again for the rest of my life.

28. I'm terrible at staying in touch with people. My best friend from college has sent me a weekly email for the last 15 years and if I'm really on top of things, I manage to write back once a quarter. Thanks, Kim, for not giving up on me!

29. I've never carried a credit card balance.

30. Our kids keep breaking things and we have three actual glasses left in the house.

31. Removing ticks from children is a completely normal part of my life. We live in New England, and we have daily "tick checks" from April to August.

32. I met my husband when I was 15. This morning, my 3-year-old brought me this picture from the nightstand and asked "Who's this?"

33. I don't get what's so great about Harry Potter.

34. I wear a dress or skirt to church, and since I feel like I'm always at church events I wear pants the rest of the time. As a result, my not-church friends are always shocked if they see me in a skirt even though I feel like I'm constantly wearing one.

35. The household chore I mind the least is laundry.

36. I say "thank you" out loud to drivers who wave me in front of them in traffic. They can't hear me.

37. I'm almost positive that I am, in fact, turning 37.

And with that, I'm off to attempt birthday lunch with a friend at an actual restaurant with my 3- and 5-year-old in tow. 

If my life were a movie, Morgan Freeman would be doing a voiceover right now telling you that this is not going to go at all how I think it will.

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7 Quick Takes about Super-Authentic Jewelry, Possessing Catlike Reflexes, and Fine Dining on Mother's Day

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

You know that scene from I Love Lucy where she’s trying to keep up with the bon bons on the assembly line but it keeps going faster and faster until she panics and randomly starts stuffing chocolates in her mouth, hat, and bra? 

The entire month of May is like that. 

The squares on the calendar are not big enough for all the activities. This past Saturday we collectively had two soccer games, a birthday party, two church activities, two music rehearsals, a shift at work, and a bat mitzvah.

It gets worse when Phillip goes out of town, so the night he was gone for a short work trip I had to get creative. I was helping my 13-year-old practice a duet at the church, but had to skip out for a few minutes to (1) go home and pick up my older daughter and her friend, (2) drive them to play practice, (3) pick up my son at soccer practice, and (4) come back to the church.

It would've worked, too, if I hadn't come home to see the three younger kids in the yard ROLLING AROUND IN POISON IVY. After stripping them down and giving them the fastest head-to-toe scrubdown you've ever seen, everyone was late to practice and my 13-year-old thought she'd have to live the rest of her life at the church after being abandoned by her mother.

So, yeah. May has been like that. See this article if you can relate.

—2—

My daughter's best friend turned 13 and invited us to her bat mitzvah. Because of our crazy schedule I had to arrive at the service late and slip out early, leaving my daughter to attend the party afterward with her friends, but I loved the portion I did get to attend.

I'm so used to feeling God's presence during my own regular patterns of worship in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but there's also something very magical about witnessing an unfamiliar religious tradition.

Obviously, you don't understand everything that's going on, but you also don't take any of the details for granted. It gives you the chance to experience God from another angle, and come away with an understanding of and reverence for Him that is somehow more 3-dimensional than it was before.

Though I'm sure I stick out like a sore thumb, I love being able to observe other people's religious worship as respectfully as I can.

As a bat mitvah gift for her friend, my daughter picked out these earrings on Etsy:

The writing inside is "chai," the Hebrew word for "life," which I only know how to pronounce from Fiddler on the Roof.

We ordered the earrings almost a month beforehand and when we realized last week they hadn't arrived yet, I contacted the seller.

Turns out we'd neglected to notice that the Etsy store was called "Holy Land Jewelry" and we'd ordered the earrings FROM JERUSALEM.

Luckily, the good old Israel Post got them to the USPS who got them to us with a few days to spare.

—3—

Even thought she had fun at the party after the bat mitvah, my daughter is an introvert so it really wore her out.

As much as she wanted to go home and/or lock herself in a sensory deprivation tank afterward, we had to go straight from the party to a talent show at our church.

This picture of my daughter about sums up her energy level at that point:

She's somewhere under the grey coat.

Luckily she revived, at least enough to play her violin in the show.

—4—

At preschool several weeks ago, they did an interview with each of the kids using a fill-in-the-blank "About Me" worksheet. We weren't there that day (no good reason, I just totally spaced on what day of the week it was) so they sent home a blank one in case we wanted it.

I figured we could fill it out and it would make a cute keepsake, kind of a written snapshot of my 5-year-old at this moment in time, and since we had all the time we wanted I'd have him write it out doing just a few lines a day.

The results were hilarious.

I love that he completed the prompt "I always say ________" with the words "random things."

Other favorites include:

• "I am curious and full of wonder. I like to ask questions. I always wonder what jellybeans are made of" (I had no idea this was the #1 pressing concern in his life!) 
• "Many people love me. I am loved by Jesus. My mom is always washing the dishes and she always says 'Go to bed.' My dad is always at work every day and he always says 'Time to do scriptures.'" 

I tried to be offended at the 'always washing dishes' part, but seeing as I had literally just finished washing yet another load of dishes before helping him write this, he has a point.

—5—

We've survived 15 years and 6 children by stealing smart ideas from other parents whenever we can, and one such idea that I came upon early in our marriage was designating a floor-level cabinet in the kitchen for "kid dishes."

All the plastic plates, cups, and bowls are located within easy reach of the youngest members of the family, so it's handy for them to get stuff out and handy for them to (theoretically) put it away after being washed.

Of course, when you ask your 3-year-old to unload the dishwasher it means your "kid dishes" cabinet actually ends up looking like this.

Still better than nothing.

What other smart kid tricks do I need to know? I've got over a decade left at this so it's not like I can't still use them.

—6—

So I dropped my phone in the toilet.

In a miraculous turn of events, the phone appears to be completely fine even though my case isn't waterproof.

I attribute it to the fact that it was only submerged in the water for about 0.3 seconds, because I reflexively plunged my hand into the toilet bowl and snatched it out of there quicker than you'd yank your child from the path of a speeding bus.

Gross? Yes. But it wasn't a conscious decision. It happened so fast I didn't even know I was doing it. And I regret nothing.

—7—

I almost forgot to tell you about my Mother's Day! It feels like it happened years ago, probably because this time of year the days are so full of things to be late for (see Take #1.)

I started out the morning with a light breakfast in bed provided by Phillip and cards from the kids. Here are pictures of a few of them:

Watercolor and hand lettering from my 15-year-old.

Origami envelope for my 13-year-old's card, who was apparently inspired when last week I showed her some of the folding techniques I used in 1994 to pass notes to my friends in class. We were so rad back then.

Homemade wrapping paper from my 7-year-old's gift.

Notwithstanding cute cards, I have to mention what happened at church.

On Sundays, we have a 1-hour sacrament meeting followed by another hour of Sunday School classes, both for adults and children.

But in honor of Mother's Day, all the women were excused to attend a sit-down brunch in the cultural hall. A few men substituted for me in the nursery so I could attend. There were tables with real tablecloths and at each place there was a form to request an omelette made to order:

You know I love church. But being waited on like this (by people who weren't even being paid to wait on me) was above and beyond.

Everyone in our congregation more or less knows each other, so I noticed right away there were two new families visiting with us that particular Sunday. Introducing myself to one of them during brunch, I was really hoping that if they come back next week they're not too disappointed at the lack of free sit-down restaurant afterward. It was kind of a high bar, after all.

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7 Quick Takes about Good Reasons Not to Help People, the Shoe Store in Our Home Office, and Why You Shouldn't Let a 3-Year-Old Be Your Hairdresser

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

Over the weekend, our town's interfaith council held a "Day of Service." Using recommendations from the Council on Aging, they match up volunteers with elderly people who need help taking care of their yards and we work on them for a few hours.

May is an insane month and I admit I volunteered our family's service very begrudgingly (i.e: lots of hyperbolic exclamations of "We don't have time for this!!") but once we got there I was glad we went. We got a lot done and the elderly woman who owned the house obviously needed the help.

Leaves are all bagged up, I'm just begging my children not to break her tree before we leave.

—2—

Unfortunately, I must have gotten into some poison ivy while we were working in her yard.

When the rash first started cropping up and I put two and two together to realize when I'd been exposed, Phillip shrugged and said, "That's what you get for helping people."

That's why I married him. He encourages me to be my best self.

Gross.

Last summer I got a pretty bad poison ivy rash on my leg, and my immune system completely wigged out. I was getting styes under my eyelids, weird little bruises all over my thighs, and my entire body was low-level itchy for a month.

This time it was all less severe because the rash was so much smaller, but still not my favorite thing that happened this week.

On the plus side, if the kids aren't giving me enough personal space all I have to do is wave my ooze-encrusted wrist in their faces and they disappear for a good 20 minutes.

—3—

In related "poor me" news, I also fell down half a flight of stairs in my house. I was okay, but it hurt. I was also mad because some idiot (me) tripped me down the stairs.

So I sat down on the step where I landed, trying to decide if I wanted to cry or yell, when my 7-year-old came over. She sat down beside me, put her hand on my back, and said in the most empathetic voice, "Are you okay, Mom? I fall down the stairs sometimes and it really hurts."

Maybe next time one of the kids gets injured, I'll skip the standard "If you'd listened to me you'd be fine now" speech and try to react more like my daughter. Motherhood is humbling like that.

—4—

Each of my kids needs a pair of sandals for the summer and a new pair of church shoes, which adds up to a collective boatload of footwear.

I vowed not to go to a brick-and-mortar shoe store this time, because every time I do it's never fruitful. I decided to buy everything on Amazon with free returns, and of course half of them are too small or too big, so I'm just piling all the rejects in the corner of our office so I can send them back all at once.

I'm getting closer: I think we have about 75% of the shoes we need. And our office is looking more and more like the back room of a Famous Footwear. At this point, our selection is probably better.

—5—

For show-and-tell at school, my 7-year-old wanted to bring her new ant farm. Since she couldn't really carry it on the bus without shaking it up, I volunteered to bring it to her classroom at show-and-tell time.

That was before I knew how stressful the trip would be. With every bump and pothole I was like "I AM SO SORRY ARE YOU OKAY??" I have never been such a nervous driver, and yes, that includes bringing newborns home from the hospital.

Anyway, we arrived safely at school and I cannot explain how much I loved watching my daughter stand at the front of the room fielding questions about her ant farm like she was holding a press conference.

Being a stay-at-home mom is hard sometimes: it's overstimulation city and you never get a moment to yourself. But most of the time, I love it and feel so fortunate to be able to do things like take her ant farm to school at 10:30 on a Thursday. This really is the best job in the world.

—6—

At my son's last pack meeting for cub scouts, the kids made "grass heads." They're homemade Chia pets, basically. What a brilliant idea!

I keep thinking this guy looks like Olaf from Frozen.

The "grass" is actually wheat and it grows super-fast, which means that every couple of days we can  take it outside so my 3-year-old can give it a haircut.

(And by "give it a haircut," I mean "scream face-down on the porch because he isn't yet coordinated enough to independently work the scissors.")

—7—

My teenagers tell me everyone says "yeet" now.

After a long and somewhat pointless conversation, I've gathered that "yeet" is (1) a verb (2) an exclamation (3) a reminder that I've reached the point in life where the television character I most relate to is Grandpa Simpson:


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Some Great Ideas for Your Homemade Mother's Day Coupon Book

If there's any Mother's Day gift more classic than the homemade book of coupons, I don't know what it is.

Over the years I've been the grateful recipient of many DIY Mother's Day coupon books from my kids, and as much as I love the sweetness of being gifted "unlimited hugs," I can't help but wish they'd also included coupons like these:

I know. The thing is lost. It disappeared. It's not anywhere. Just humor me and use your eyeballs for a minute, keeping in mind that it may be necessary to move things around a little while you look. You can do this.

Wearing snow boots in summer, shorts in the winter, and Halloween costumes in January are a preschooler's M.O., but sometimes it'd be nice to take you on an outing where 12 strangers don't elbow me in the ribs and chuckle, "Looks like someone dressed himself this morning!"

If I had a time machine, I would give Young Me a heads-up about how unfazed I'd be one day at the sight of a used, unflushed toilet.

Mommy is squishy because you leave too many leftovers on your plate for her to clean up, please stop telling the neighbors we're having a baby.

No meowing, climbing on the furniture, crawling around the floor, lifting up your shirt, headbutting our guests, licking yourself, or jumping off the coffee table. We want these people to like us.

The people around you already know, they're just being polite. As for the people who don't know, don't spoil it for them.

This house is not a restaurant, and I'm not soliciting your feedback on the menu. And yes, exaggerated dry heaves at the dinner table count as feedback.

Please give me the gift of not having to search for a public restroom 5 minutes into our first errand of the day.

My least favorite time to answer questions about what I'm doing is before sunrise, while I'm still in bed.

It'd be such a thrill to do a load of laundry that didn't involve detangling what appears to be a bunch of miniature superhero costumes.

Someday when I'm old and gray, I can't wait to watch all the videos I have of you standing there motionless while I urge you to do whatever you were doing just a second ago. So many memories.

If you're in charge of helping a small child put together a homemade coupon book for Mother's Day this year, don't forget to include these! (I was going to include a coupon good for a solo trip to the bathroom, but let's not get crazy here. Some things are just too unrealistic.)

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