Tuesday, July 17, 2018

Excerpts from a Toddler's Bucket List

Today I noticed my 2-year-old staring intently at nothing for several moments, and when I called his name the spell was broken: he leaped up, grabbed a spatula, and jumped in an empty diaper box making siren noises.

What do toddlers think about when they're lost in thought? I'll never be sure, but it's most likely composing their bucket lists.

And from what I can gather, this is what's on my 2-year-old's list of things to do before it's too late.

If your toddler could write, this is what his bucket list would look like! This hilarious parody of a 2 year old’s bucket list is so funny you won’t be able to stop laughing. My 1 year old definitely needs to do Number 19. #parentinghumor #toddlerhumor #hilarious #toddlertruths #funny

1. Dump out all of the things in all of the buckets.

2. Like a Whole 30, but where I wholly reject 30 foods I previously enjoyed.

3. Become fluent in my native language.

4. Finally catch the cat.

5. Get stuck in the soft play.

6. Meet Elmo.

7. Face my fear of the vacuum cleaner.

8. Watch the sun rise. Preferably on a morning when my parents have a chance to sleep in.

9. Live for a month on nothing but carbs.

10. Cry at Disneyland.

11. Reach the drawer with the scissors.

12. Stop shoving objects up my nose.

13. Build a tower that doesn't fall over or otherwise obey the laws of gravity.

14. Eat something soggy on the floor of the pool changing room.

15. Remain calm in a survival situation, such as getting stuck in my pant leg.

16. Flush something irreplaceable down the toilet.

17. Do it myself. All of it.

18. Talk to a therapist about my phobia of costumed figures, my phobia of strangers, and my PTSD from meeting Santa that one time.

19. Also seek professional help for my rock hoarding problem.

20. Hike Everest Be carried up Mount Everest.

21. Have a diaper blow-out at a Broadway musical.

22. Learn to say "no" in 50 different languages.

23. Bite a celebrity or famous person.

24. Push ALL of the elevator buttons. Especially the red one.

25. Drive a car that isn't foot-powered.

26. Write to Baby Einstein and tell him I've learned nothing.

27. Fall off something in all 50 states.

28. Have a temper tantrum in a tropical location.

29. Lose the fat rolls on my wrists and do some ab work to get rid of the milk belly.

30. Get Thomas the Train's autograph.

31. Sell my artwork on Etsy. (Mixed media but mostly scribbled-on library books and poop fingerpaintings.)

32. Graduate from an anger management class.

33. Eat at least one page from every title on the New York Times' Best Seller List.

34. Streak through a public space to raise awareness for an important cause. The cause is that I hate wearing clothes.

35. Refuse to play with a toy that was expensive and highly-rated on Amazon.

Once I think about all the things my 2-year-old is trying to cross off his bucket list, I guess it's understandable that he's so cranky sometimes. It's a lot to remember when you lack the necessary hand-eye coordination to write it down.

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1 comment:

Catherine said...

33!!!! 33!!!! 33!!!!