Things That Don't Go Without Saying to Kids

One thing you learn by having kids is that things you think are obvious... well, aren't.

For example, I assumed that when I asked one of my kids to put jelly on his sibling's toast and he happily replied "Okay!" that we were on the same page about what that meant.

Until a few hours later I walked by the counter to see he'd made the toast — and left the jar of jelly open on the counter, right beside the dirty knife and open bag of bread.

Wasn't putting everything away implied in my request to "please put jelly on the toast?" Apparently not.

Surely this is not what I meant.

Now that I'm a mom I know some things just don't go without saying to kids, no matter how obvious they seem. Things like:

Using soap in the shower. Strange but true fact, kids: simply being naked near a bar of soap does not magically make you clean. You must actually apply it to your body while you're in there. The strange little terrycloth squares I keep putting in the bathroom can help with that. Also, the bottles labeled "shampoo" and "conditioner" aren't just decorative.

Putting your Band-aid strips in the trash. After applying a Band-aid, you'll notice you've created a large pile of trash: one wrapper and two little peels, plus the box of Band-aids that's now sitting out on the counter. For the love of Tina Turner, do not leave it all lying there and walk away.

Shutting the door when exiting the house. Again, this shouldn't be a huge revelatory idea, but perhaps it does need to be said that if you open a door to go outside, you should close it behind you. (I don't want to blow any minds tonight, so I'll wait for another time to talk about turning off the lights when leaving a room.)

Observing good hygiene in the bathroom. Wash your hands after using the toilet. Flush the toilet after using the toilet. Use TOILET PAPER after using the toilet, for goodness' sake. It's called toilet paper for a reason.

Turning off the sink when it's full. I honestly have no problem with the kids playing with the faucet, because who am I to stand in the way of a Montessori-style exploration that happens to buy me 10 minutes of quiet time?  If it starts overflowing, though, you don't need to be a member of Mensa to conclude it's time to shut it off. Come on, people.

Moving things on the floor before sweeping. We are big on giving our kids responsibilities at home, but the way they try to get away with sweeping around the 472 toys on the floor without moving them, you'd think they'd never done a chore in their lives before.

Not running around screaming at bedtime. After we read stories and dim the lights and sing songs and give kisses and all the other 1,001 things parents are supposed to do as part of a soothing bedtime routine, you chase your brother down the hallway with a blanket over your head brandishing a plastic light saber. THIS IS NOT HOW CALMING DOWN WORKS.

Changing your underwear. When I do a week's worth of laundry and only see one pair of underwear in the basket, I have so many regrets. I assumed you knew that when I said "get dressed" I meant put on a new pair of underwear, too. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. So very sorry.

Not stepping on things that will break when stepped on. Just because something is on the floor doesn't mean you have to step on it. You could just walk around it, or even pick it up! Okay, I guess that last thing was ridiculous. But seriously, I've watched you walk across the living room as if on stepping stones, except that instead of river rocks it's library books out of which you're ripping the pages and board game boxes that are splitting apart under your weight. Can you honestly not see this, too?

Just because you can hang from something doesn't mean you should. The average roll of toilet paper weighs 8 ounces. The average toilet roll holder isn't designed for all 40 pounds of you swinging from it like Tarzan on a jungle vine. At least it wasn't. Back when we had a toilet paper roll holder instead of a gaping hole in the wall.

Every day, kids demonstrate anew that nothing — I repeat, NOTHING —  goes without saying. I guarantee no matter how obvious you think something is, there's a child out there somewhere who can prove you wrong.

And it's probably yours.

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