Flat-Out Lies I Tell Myself (and I Fall for It Every Time)

The kids are in bed, finally. I can barely make it down the stairs I am so tired. I want to flop on the couch and never get up again. I look at the clock and know with a certainty that I'm going to bed early tonight.

Until suddenly I realize it's 12:30 AM and I'm reading a BuzzFeed article about what my ice cream preferences say about which "Friends" character I am.

In retrospect, I should've known "I'm going to bed early" was a lie. But it just felt so real when I said it.

Here are some other flat-out lies I tell myself, and I fall for them every time.

1. I'll get up early tomorrow and do it.
2. I'll remember. I don't need to put it on the calendar.
3. No more screen time for the kids.
4. I'll just soak this pan for a few minutes and come right back to it.
5. I am not going to eat this bag of chocolate chips. I'm saving them for cookies.
6. This system is totally going to keep the playroom organized.
7. I have a feeling my kids are going to behave in church today.
8. I'm only eating a few chocolate chips.
9. I will never yell at my kids again.
10. I'm going to start putting the kids to bed 15 minutes earlier every night to get ready for Daylight Savings Time.
11. I'm going to start waking the kids up 15 minutes earlier every morning to get ready for the first day of school.
12. No need to set a reminder for that on my phone. I'll totally remember.
13. One more chocolate chip and that's it.
14. What a fun recipe, I'll really enjoy baking that with the kids later.
15. I'll be there on time.
16. I'll be there early.
17. If I label where everything goes, the kids will put stuff away.
18. My child is totally going to appreciate the time and hard work I put into this homemade [insert the name of literally anything.]
19. No more food in the car.
20. For real, this is absolutely the last chocolate chip and then I'm done.
21. I'm sure I will in no way regret volunteering to bring home the class pet.
22. There's got to be a dinner out there besides boxed mac and cheese that won't go uneaten in the trash. I've just got to find it.
23. I'm going to show up to this parent-teacher conference on time in matching clothes without snot or food on them so this teacher knows I have it all together.
24. It will be a fun treat going out to eat as a family.
25. The kids are occupied, so I can make an uninterrupted phone call.
26. I will not eat the leftovers off my child's plate at mealtime.
27. If I set the kids up with some crayons next to the computer, I'll be able to get some work done.
28. I don't think anyone is going to get hurt doing that.
29. Letting the kids stay up late just this once will be fine.
30. Oops, the chocolate chips are all gone... I didn't really want to make cookies, anyway.

Maybe one of these days I really will go to bed early. Or maybe I'll wise up to the fact that I'm a Lying Liar-Pants who can't be believed or trusted. One of the two.

Click to Share: