Wednesday, June 28, 2017

A list of Things It Is Absolutely Unfair I Have to Clean

I have a complicated relationship with cleaning. I don't exactly enjoy it, but like visiting the dentist or getting a colonoscopy, there are worse things in the world and at least there's peace of mind to be had after it's over.

I'ts not that I hate cleaning. But.

There are certain items that I absolutely loathe cleaning. Most of the time I can let my mind wander onto more pleasant thoughts while I do the household chores, but when it comes time to clean any of these, I'm definitely thinking increasingly homicidal thoughts with every sweep of my scrub brush.

Most of the time I don't totally hate cleaning. Unless I'm cleaning one of these things - then I just might lose my mind.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

1. The Washing Machine

I'm already tethered to the washing machine like a mom tied to a nursing baby. I do so much laundry. I'm at its beck and call every day. I hear the buzzer at the end of the cycle in my nightmares. Are you telling me I have to wash the clothes, dry the clothes, fold the clothes, iron the clothes (haha, just kidding,) put away the clothes, and on top of all that I also have to wash the washing machine? Something is clearly wrong here.

2. The Bathtub

I don't even use my bathtub to bathe. That's for people who don't have children crawling on their heads at all hours of the day and night. No, it's where I clean filthy floor rugs and Phillip hangs his sweaty running clothes, so what else can I expect? Our tub gets dirty, but it just doesn't seem right to have to clean a bathtub, no matter how much logic is involved. When I saw "jacuzzi-style tub" on the real estate listing, I didn't realize it was code for "something that offers no benefit to you but you must clean, anyway."

3. The Shower

The great unanswerable question of life is not "what is the sound of one hand clapping?" but "why does soap leave scum behind?" Think about it: shampoo and soap are products we use to clean our bodies, so why must they leave behind an icky residue I need to wipe off the walls and curtain liner in the shower? It boggles my mind to think that showering is just trading a clean me for a dirty shower. It's almost not worth it.

4. The Dishwasher

Oh, the dishwasher. This is another hard-working appliance in the Evans household, but I have to work even harder to keep it clean so it can clean for me. In what universe does this make sense? Dishwasher gunk is the smelliest, grossest substance, and to clean a dishwasher you have to get down on your hands and knees and become a circus contortionist to reach the nooks and crannies where it likes to hang out. I pay our dishwasher to clean my plates and glasses for me, and yet... at what cost?

5. The Sink

It only takes a few days, tops, for my sparkling white porcelain sink to start looking like the Gulf of Mexico after the BP oil spill. I know kids dump juice and maybe some food scraps down the drain, but it feels excessive to me how quickly the entire sink turns dirty and disgusting looking. I feel like I need to set up a CSI-style crime lab just to figure out how in the world my sink gets so filthy so fast. It's not like I'm pouring radioactive substances down the drawn. Most of the time it's just water. Clean tapwater. Go figure.

6. The Trash Can

Considering the function of the trash can, I should expect it to be the messiest receptacle in the house. And I do. I'm not surprised that the garbage can needs washing, but still there's something about squatting on the floor wiping sweat from my brow while scrubbing out what is essentially an indoor dumpster that makes me want to tear my college diploma from its frame and chuck it right in while screaming "Behold, the power of the 4-year degree!" I never would've envisioned that my life choices would lead me to regularly polish the place where I put my garbage, but here we are.

Like I said, I generally don't mind cleaning  as long as it's not one of the things on this list. If you ever invent a self-cleaning washing machine, you can fully expect me to show up on your doorstep with a suitcase full of $100 bills and singing that Whitney Houston song from The Bodyguard.

(Seriously. No more cleaning my cleaning appliances. I don't know how much longer I can take the irony.)

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The Lady Okie said...

I'm ashamed to admit that I am not very good about cleaning any of these things. It's totally unfair and the washing machine and shower really get me the most. Why.

Katy said...

Oh my word, the trash can. Right?!? Even the little ones, too.

AnneMarie said...

Wait, we're supposed to clean our washing machines? Maybe I'll try to forget this fact so I can continue to be blissfully ignorant.

Michelle said...

I had no idea cleaning the washing machine is a thing. Should I be ashamed of myself right now?

Jenny Evans said...

I think if you rent you have a complete excuse. I'm sure the laundromat people or the apartment's laundry facility people take care of it. I never washed a washing machine until years after we bought a house... now I'm thinking about selling it so we can rent again!

Jenny Evans said...

I once commented to my mom that her trash can was so nice. She thought it was a weird compliment, but it really does! Hers is what stainless steel is SUPPOSED to look like. Mine is also stainless but permanently covered with fingerprints and streaks from garbage sliding down the sides when the kids miss the can.

Jenny Evans said...

I curse the Pinterest article that informed me, too. Curse it every day.

O'Babies said...

I just bought a new washing machine cleaning cycle. Boom!

Angie said...

I actually cleaned my trashcan (the outside) and the walls/floor around it tonight. Someone "missed" with something juicy/greasy...

Jenny Evans said...

I'll be at your house holding a boombox over my head in the morning.

Anonymous said...

My mother in law swears by 2 packets of lemonade flavored Kool-aid ran through a wash cycle in the dishwasher once a month. Her dishwasher is spotless inside.

Jenny Evans said...

That is a cleaning hack I will totally try. I think Kool-aid powder can eat through a 6-inch steel wall, so it sounds like it would keep your dishwasher pretty darn clean!

PurpleSlob said...

These things belong in Bizarro World!! Not ours!