Monday, November 7, 2016

College Course Syllabus for Parenting 101

Parenting 101
Course Syllabus

Course Overview

Welcome to Parenting 101! Prospective parenting majors are strongly encouraged to take this course first. A broad overview of the first 6 years of parenthood will be presented, touching on topics such as:
  • Fielding unsolicited baby care advice from strangers
  • Second-guessing yourself on important decisions
  • Lowering your expectations
  • Counting to 3 in a menacing voice
  • Appropriate use of social media hashtags (e.g: #parentingfail #blessed)
  • How to tell if that's happy screaming

Students will complete the course prepared to declare a major in parenting with an emphasis in helicopter/lawnmower/tiger/dolphin/jellyfish parenting, attachment parenting, positive parenting, free-range parenting, or 'other' (please specify in writing.*)

*Students should be prepared to literally shove the paper in their mouths and eat their words later.

By the end of the term, students will have developed an appreciation for their own parents. Calling home to formally apologize will be part of the final examination.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Course Materials

Recommended reading for Parenting 101 consists of conflicting scientific studies shared by your sister-in-law on Facebook covering circumcision, bottle feeding, daycare, co-sleeping, vaccinations, and spanking.

After-hours help is available from Google.

After-Google help is available from the ice cream in the freezer.

Course Policies and Expectations

Failure to meet the high standards in Parenting 101 will result in a mandatory reading of "summer vacation bucket lists" on Pinterest.

Attendance. Students must be present every day including sick days, weekends, and holidays. Being tardy, however, is expected.

Technology Policy. All devices are subject to random seizure and will be returned with a dozen blurry close-ups of a chin and three deleted apps. Students who occasionally use their device instead of enjoying every moment of Parenting 101 will be silently judged by their classmates.

Lab work. Labs will include but are not limited to: changing bunk bed sheets, paying for destroyed library materials, visiting public restrooms, and baking with a feral monkey who throws handfuls of flour in your hair. Some field work requires a partner (for example, Student A fields loud questions in line at the grocery store from Student B about people who are fat.)

Learning Goals

Students will be able to demonstrate proficiency in picking up socks, matching rubber gaskets to sippy cups, dumping 95% of a homecooked dinner in the trash, and diffusing tense situations over a crooked sock seam.

By the end of the term, students will have developed an appreciation for their own parents. Calling home to make a formal apology is part of the final exam.

Grading Criteria

Self-evaluation is important in Parenting 101, so student performance is partially self-graded.

However, since students tend to give themselves unrealistically low marks, the majority of the final grade will be awarded based on effort.

As a result, most students in Parenting 101 do just fine.

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Unknown said...

This is a great post. Encouraging humor at its finest!

Anna said...

This is so great. Made my day :)

Michelle said...

HILARIOUS. You nailed it.

PurpleSlob said...

I want you as my next professor! You make the misery fun!
Hey Jenny, I nominated you again. If you can't do it this time, I promise I'll quit bugging ya!!