Tuesday, October 11, 2016

A Tooth Fairy Manifesto

So your child lost their first tooth! Congratulations.

Beyond having a vague notion that the Tooth Fairy will come and exchange the tooth for money, chances are you haven't given much thought to how s/he will actually operate in your house.

I understand, because for the last 6 years you've probably been busy trying not to die from exhaustion and buying stock in chicken nuggets. I get it.

That's why I'm here to help!

The thing I've learned about children is that they really respond to a firm set of expectations and rules. Especially in the form of a legally binding document. So here we go.

You're welcome.

*  *  *  *

Dear delightful youngster:

I'm your Tooth Fairy! I look forward to servicing you for the next 6-ish years.

In order to facilitate the creation of a memorable and magical childhood, I'd like to get on the same page about what we each bring to this working relationship.

Basic Terms and Conditions

First, this letter does not constitute an employer-employee relationship. I, the undersigned, remain an independent contractor.

As per our prior understanding, I will:
  1. Remove any baby teeth from beneath your pillow
  2. Replace the aforementioned teeth with money
  3. That is all
I will not leave glitter footprints, sugar-free lollipops, signed "I Lost a Tooth!" certificates, rhyming treasure hunt clues, stuffed animals, little toys from Oriental Trading Company, or photoshopped pictures of me hovering over your sleeping body.

I will, on occasion, leave behind a computer-generated note in tiny script font explaining why I forgot to come for the previous 1-3 nights. My apologies in advance.


I will not pay exorbitant sums of money like your friend Aidan at the bus stop says he gets. It's a tooth, not the Hope Diamond.

Should you be dissatisfied with the amount of money you find under your pillow in the morning, I'm sure your parents would be more than happy to allow you to earn more by doing extra chores.

Intellectual Property

Intellectual property law forbids your parents from divulging trade secrets, so please don't ask them.

If you have inquiries, please refer to the next section of this agreement.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

In the spirit of transparency and childlike wonder, I've compiled some frequently asked questions from kids like you about my job.

Q: What do you do with the teeth?

A: I certainly am NOT responsible for creepy jewelry made from baby teeth.

I hate to be too technical about this, but once they're no longer in your mouth your teeth are medical waste. I promise to dispose of them in a manner that is completely in accordance with all applicable state and federal laws.

Q: Do you know Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny?

A: Why would you even ask that? There is nothing similar about us, except that we are all 100% real and in no way a well-intentioned mass deception perpetrated by those you trust to tell the truth.

Q: Are you really just my mom and dad?

A: Preposterous. Why in the world would your parents want all of your baby teeth? (Note to self: Find out why kids' parents would want all their baby teeth.)


I realize that before you're done losing your last molar, you'll probably start to question the validity of my existence.

Please note that your compliance, whether genuine or fabricated, is essential to your continuance in the Tooth Fairy program. In layman's terms: if you want to keep getting free money for doing nothing, keep doubts to yourself.

Whatever you do, don't ruin it for your younger siblings.


Placing teeth under your pillow constitutes acceptance of the terms and conditions set forth in this agreement. 

I look forward to our new partnership, and don't forget to floss.


A Tooth Fairy Manifesto -- Looking for a written terms and conditions agreement from the Tooth Fairy for your child? Look no further, moms and dads.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

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Alicia @ Sweeping Up Joy said...

This is a hoot! Why do I feel guilty for the disposal of medical waste?

Katy said...

I think you missed your calling as the Tooth Fairy's lawyer!

AnneMarie said...

Hahaha! This is the best. On a more serious note, who came up with the Tooth Fairy anyways?? It seems to me like a ton of work to go through once one has multiple kids to keep track of. Since we're obviously years away from this, my husband and I haven't talked through it yet, but I kind of think it would be so convenient to just "forget" to tell our child (and any children we later have) about the Tooth Fairy :P

Anna said...

This is amazing.

Jenny Evans said...

I never have, and never will.

Jenny Evans said...

You think it's going to be all fun and games when your oldest loses their first tooth. You just don't have the foresight to realize that you'll be doing it times 20 for every kid!

Syncopated Mama said...

This is so funny! Our readers would love it over at our Friday Frivolity party this week, so I hope you have a chance to share it there! (www.syncopatedmama.com & goes live tonight at 9pm EST)

Sarah Jean said...

We forgot to take our son's second or third tooth from under the pillow. We came up with this ridiculous story about how since he had gone to bed later than usual, the tooth fairy didn't realize the tooth was there. She came while he was at school that day and left him some extra money for making him wait. He totally bought it.

jeremy@thirstydaddy said...

sounds perfectly reasonable

Jenny Evans said...

I think I will, thanks!

Jenny Evans said...

I think I will, thanks!

Audrey said...

I had to scroll down fast because my nosey 8 year old snuck up on me to see why I was laughing uncontrollably! Thanks for taking Lisa's suggestion and linking up with us on #FridayFrivolity.