Wednesday, September 28, 2016

19 Things All Moms Know

Motherhood is inevitably followed by a lot of other things: messy buns, a purse filled with Cheerio dust, a permanent sleep deficit that will last longer than the national debt for starters.

But it also comes with a very specific set of knowledge.

Mothers everywhere can relate to this funny list, filled with all the things moms know for sure... like exactly how many minutes until the kids' bedtime.  #momlife #funny #relatable #parenting #lifewithkids #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

If you're a mother, you know...
  1. The location of every restroom in every store you have ever visited.
  2. That pee is sterile.
  3. What pennies being dropped into the upstairs toilet sounds like.
  4. That it's possible to love someone with all your heart and still call them by the wrong name 60% of the time.
  5. Never to make eye contact with a small child while rocking them to sleep. Ever.
  6. That getting ready for a spontaneous afternoon out takes the same amount of time as packing up for a move to France.
  7. Exactly how many minutes are left until naptime.
  8. And bedtime.
  9. That the price of doing jumping jacks is changing into a new pair of underwear.
  10. That the car carts at the grocery store are a hernia just waiting to happen.
  11. Just how disturbing most fairy tales and nursery rhymes actually are.
  12. The whereabouts of at least 8 single socks scattered around the house.
  13. That kids can actually will themselves to throw up if you try to make them eat against their wishes.
  14. What your preschooler's face looks like exactly 5 seconds before pooping her pants.
  15. How to nap while covering both your face and your groin at the same time.
  16. The names and backstories of way too many animated talking animals.
  17. That child ears are tuned to the frequency of a candy bar being unwrapped.
  18. How to "read" a 14-minute picture book out loud in 4 minutes, 37 seconds.
  19. That the roads in hell will be paved with clear Legos.
While we're on the subject of things all moms know, I probably don't have to tell you that your kids have broken something and/or made a giant mess while you've been reading this. 

Because you already knew that, didn't you?

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The Lady Okie said...

Fairy tales and nursery rhymes are SO disturbing! The other night I was singing "rock-a-bye baby" to R and HELLO THAT SONG IS SCARY. The baby in the cradle falls out of a tree in a storm???? What. Maybe I'm missing something.

Katie @ Live Half Full said...

Too funny! I now know the best way to get poop out of pretty much anything. :)

Jenny Evans said...

I laugh the hardest when I read sanitized versions of nursery rhymes, like one where Mother Hubbard "kissed them all gently and put them to bed" instead of "whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed!"

PurpleSlob said...

JEnny, this is funny because it's so TRUE!!
I never thought about nursery rhymes, or that lullaby much until my daughter forbid me to read/sing them to her baby. I was like "what??"
Then I really listened to it, and YEAH!! SCARY!!

Alicia @ Sweeping Up Joy said...

This is why your entry on my list of favorite blogs is

Unremarkable Files
My blog’s hilarious, blonde, Mormon cousin

You get me, Jenny. Thanks for sharing. :)

Queen Mom Jen said...

Haha! Number 9 runs hand in hand with what happens when you jump on the trampoline.... Just saying :)

Janine Huldie said...

Omg, yes to all of the above, especially the Legos and hell!! :)

Crystal Green from Sharing Life's Moments said...

I love how you can paint parenting as some big laughable part of our daily lives. Yet, when in reality of dealing with many of the above moments they truly weren't that funny. However, when you make me look back on them they are. I find myself laughing at many of the things that use to drive me nuts now thanks to you! So, know you're making a positive difference somewhere. :)

Jenny Evans said...

I'm so glad to hear you say that! So many times during parenting you can either laugh or cry, and laughing is more fun. It's one of the things I love about blogging: no matter how bad it is, at least I know I can write a funny post about it.

Jenny Evans said...

That is too funny, I didn't know that until now! I'm glad my blog has a cousin like your blog.

Estefania - The Spanish Mom said...

I laughed so hard while reading this post that I almost woke up the baby!
Number 6 and number 9 are definitely my favorite!

By the way, I found you through the #SHINEBlogHop linky and I hope that your post is featured because it's definitely one of the best I've read!

Have a terrific weekend!

Crystal said...

Is pee really sterile? That's good to know!