Wednesday, May 11, 2016

I Blame Childbirth

I can't wait for you to meet Amanda from The Lady Okie, I really can't. She's guest posting today about the, um, "miraculous changes" we all go through after bearing a child. If you laugh so hard you pee your pants, don't blame either of us — especially if you've birthed babies. We all know whose fault that is.

I Blame Childbirth -- If you laugh so hard you pee your pants while reading this, don't blame me. Especially if you've birthed babies before. We all know whose fault that is.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

My husband and I never took a child birthing class. I know, the horror. I’m surprised they even admitted us to a delivery room, simpletons that we were.

I wanted to take one, but every time I thought about pushing a child through… there, I started crying. Not that there was anything unusual about that in my hormonal condition, but still.

By the time I finally got my act together enough to look into classes, there were only two Saturday sessions remaining before my due date, and we were going to be out of town both weekends. Fate had spoken. Instead, the hospital mailed me a packet of materials from the class, which I refused to open once they actually arrived because I cried every time I looked at the cover of the pamphlet.

My daughter is now eight months old, and I have given it enough time and space to look back on that blessed event and quite honestly tell you that it wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be. No, in fact it was much worse.

But after my daughter was placed in my arms, amazingly the pain started to fade just like they said, and I found myself thinking insane thoughts like, Surely it wasn’t as bad as I remember. I imagined that, right?

All I’m left with now is a beautiful baby and a few, ahem, personal side effects that no one likes to tell you. Since none of these happened to me before I pushed a baby out of me, I have no choice but to blame childbirth for the following:

1. Pain is Always at Zero Unless I’m Pushing Out a Baby

When I first arrived at the hospital, clutching my stomach and 38 weeks pregnant, they asked me to rate my pain on a scale of one to ten.

“Um… a four?”


Childbirth has ruined me on rating pain. If labor is a 10, then everything else ever until the end of time is a zero, maybe even going negative.

Labor really just belongs on its own scale of pain, and now I can no longer complain about any type of discomfort, however larger or small, or I feel like a huge wimp because remember that time I pushed out a baby? Take your sad little stubbed toe and sit down.

2. I Have No More Dignity

One thing that always embarrassed me about labor was the idea of a bunch of strangers standing at my bottom end while I had my legs spread eagle. Well, let me tell you: a baby isn’t the only thing that shoots out of you when you give birth. Along with that 7-pound gift from God comes your dignity forever and ever amen.

I had a doctor, three nurses, and a med student, and they could have brought the janitor in for all I know. And I didn’t care, then or now.

I breastfeed my daughter, and let me tell you: more people have seen my boobs in the last 8 months than have seen them in the last thirty years, and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

There’s just something about lying on your side on a hospital bed in the fetal position wearing a gown that doesn’t close in the back that makes you reevaluate your stance on modesty.

3. There Is No More Control… Down There

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve either peed or pooped my pants while doing everyday life things, I would have at least enough for a few Starbucks drinks. Venti size.

I’ve peed while laughing, while coughing, while going from sitting to standing (???). And let’s not forget about the times I pooped my pants while running. Yes, that’s "times," plural. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say I’m down a few pairs of underwear.

All I have to say is, I blame childbirth.

Best of luck to you, Jenny. Anyone brave enough to do this crazy childbirth thing more than once, let alone six times, needs some kind of medal. And, let’s be honest, probably a pair of Depends.

About the Author:
Amanda Bumgarner is a professional editor living in Oklahoma City with her husband and 9-month-old daughter. When she's not editing or changing dirty diapers, she is running or reading or correcting someone's bad grammar, possibly all at the same time. Kidding! Find her on her blog, Twitter, or Facebook.

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Michelle said...

Ha! This is all 100% true. I was shocked at how quickly I lost my sense of modesty and dignity.

Katy said...

Nice to meet you Amanda! This is so funny. A bonus of childbirth? Now that I'm an old lady, whenever I go to the doctor, I could care less who has a look at me or how naked I am. Modesty is gone forever.

AnneMarie said...

Hahaha! Since I'll be giving birth to my first in about a month, I am loving this post :) I've heard about the pain-scale thing, and it beats me why the hospital admitting process includes that question.

Rach said...

HA! I'll keep all of this in mind for later. ;)

AiringMyLaundry said...

So true! I so lost my dignity.

We didn't bother with a child birth class either.

The Lady Okie said...

That is a very nice bonus indeed that no one tells you!

The Lady Okie said...

I don't know why they ask! Clearly I had no reference for a good answer. Maybe for the next baby?

The Lady Okie said...

Glad I'm not alone! The baby still came out just fine even without the class.

Jenny Evans said...

Good riddance, I say!

Queen Mom Jen said...

Hi Amanda! You are one funny lady. I hear you, child birth changes you. Now you have all the rest of the fun changes that children bring to look forward to. Nothing like motherhood :)

Ali said...

The pain rating is so true! Especially with my running injuries. "Well, it hurts, but it's not that bad...I can still run on it." Honestly? I have no idea what an appropriate level of pain is anymore. Anything less than having a baby is a cake walk!

PurpleSlob said...

Amanda, I think I just peed myself a little! Darn you, I was laughing too hard!
Yup, I don't even take pain pills anymore, unless I'm near death.
After childbirth, we should all be sainted!!
You are funny, funnier, funniest, but not more than Jenny. (Always have to respect the hostess!)

Julie @ Just the Joy's said...

Hahah! This is hilarious! Great post Amanda. Amen to the loss of decency! Congrats to Jenny on having 6 amazing babies! Definitely deserving of an award! ;)

Sydney said...

Hahah, this straight up made me laugh. I am childless myself but as a midwife I see people on your end of things all the time and it's refreshing to see someone who has a sense of humour about it (and also a good reminder to make sure people know they can cry about their fears in my office!!) Kegels kegels kegels!

Unknown said...

Believe me, I dragged my poor hubby to classes and you didn't miss anything! You pretty much mentioned everything a mom needs to know right in this post. Maybe the only things I would add are the burning desires to eat chocolate and cry. :) I'm going to hop over to your blog now!

Jenny Evans said...

Phillip and I took a class before our first and I can't remember a single piece of useful information from it. I do remember being freaked out by a filmed childbirth they showed us, though!

Jenny Evans said...

I will be accepting chocolate and gift cards to The Cheesecake Factory in lieu of a trophy.

Jenny Evans said...


Jenny Evans said...

The best is when they ask you to rate your pain the following day or two later. Like, on a regular scale or on a labor scale? Because they're different.

Paige @ Reasons to Come Home said...

What have I gotten myself into??? Haha! By the way, we took the childbirth class just a few weeks ago and the only thing I remember was in one of the videos of a real birth, a girl took a picture of her placenta. Why? To always remember it by? I was super confused by that!

Jenny Evans said...

Maybe she was live Instagramming her labor?

kaustin said...

Me too. I had talked to friends/co-workers who had gone through the classes and each of them said that they only learned one thing each that had been helpful so I just asked them what they learned and I got through fine.