Monday, January 11, 2016

8 Awesome Side Effects to Having a Baby

Welcome to parenthood! As an initiation, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: not only is your baby going to be pretty cool, but you're also going to discover a bunch of awesome side effects to becoming a parent that have nothing to do with him.
8 Awesome Side Effects to Having a Baby -- Not only is your baby going to be pretty cool, you're also going to discover a bunch of awesome side effects to becoming a parent that have nothing to do with him.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

1. People no longer expect you to wear makeup, style your hair, bathe regularly, or wear real pants. Ditto for cleaning your house. (Unfortunately there's an expiration date on this.)

2. Taking a baby with you to the grocery store makes you look less insane when you talk to yourself.

3. You now have an excuse for everything:
  • "I'd love to stay but it's somebody's naptime." (You don't need to mention it's yours.)
  • "Uh-oh, I hear the baby crying so I'll have to call you back later."
  • "Sorry I'm late, the baby pooped and/or spit up all over me right as I was leaving!" (Actually, this one is probably true.)

4. People will give you as wide a berth as possible when you take public transit. No one wants to sit next to a crying baby at 30,000 feet. (Possibly you don't, either, but that's not a choice.)

5. Connect with your Ninja side. You can stealthily sneak in or out of a sleeping baby's room as if your life depended on it. You also gain the ability to do amazing things like catch vomit one-handed from across the room without letting go of your basket full of laundry.

6. Keep your mind sharp by closing your eyes and reciting from memory every word of The Very Hungry Caterpillar for the 467th time that day. Or work on your critical thinking as you selectively leave out as many words as you can while leaving an intact, coherent narrative. (You realize they can't speak English yet, so it's more for your own entertainment.)

7. Heightened sense of hearing. You can discern the sound of quarters being dropped into the toilet from the other side of the house, or wake up from a dead sleep because you hear little footsteps where they shouldn't be.

8. Perfect your poker face. "Ice cream trucks play songs to let people know when the ice cream is all gone." "Where did the last four cookies go? You know, I really have no idea." These lies are a normal part of your life now. Embrace them.

Being a parent is great for all the reasons you imagine, and then some. Just think, for the next several years you won't ever have to worry about finding a place to sit  when you enter a crowded room with a baby or two, people will literally leap over each other to give you their seat. Which is good, because for the next several years you'll always be late for everything.

See more unexpected perks at Things I Didn't Expect to Love about Motherhood.

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Anonymous said...

These are hysterical. I always love your posts!

Jenny said...

I've used all those excuses. Especially the phone call one because I hate talking on the phone and some people just won't shut up.

And I'm liking the ice cream truck lie. I'll be keeping that in mind.

normaleverydaylife said...

The ice cream truck lie is funny! It's amazing the things you learn to say and talk about with a straight face as a parent!

Jenny Evans said...

You're welcome. My daughter used to call the ice cream truck the song truck. "There goes the song truck!" she'd say, oblivious, and I'd answer "Yup."

Queen Mom Jen said...

Oh why does there have to be an expiration date on number 1, but it is true. Two years or maybe a decade or more later in my case, the whole makeup and hair thing still seems an impossibility.

PurpleSlob said...

Hair ? Makeup? People really do those things?? I gave them up 29 years ago, and have never looked back. But, I did start showering again.... recently.
Oh if ONLY I'd been quick enuff with the ice cream truck lie!! (Maybe I wouldn't be over 300 lbs now!)

Jenni said...

Haha these are all so awesome and so very true! I really love the ice cream truck one =) And it's so nice to have excuses for things - especially when I just want to hibernate because the weather is so awful!

Morgan @ Morgan Manages Mommyhood said...

Dying at number 2 - I went to the store alone for the first time since I've had my son and I kept talking to him, except he obviously wasn't there, hahah!

Elizabeth Meyers said...

Love this! As a mother of 8, I can totally identify. Been there, done that!