Tuesday, April 7, 2015

The Procrastinator's Guide to Death and Taxes

Two things in life are inevitable: death and taxes. And we don't have our taxes done.

The April 15th deadline looms.

We used to be tax overachievers who finished filing our taxes by, like, the second week of February.

Don't hate us.

That was back when we had fewer kids and more time. It was also when we were a dirt poor grad school student family, so the refund waiting at the other end might've had something to do with our enthusiasm.

Now it's a completely different story. We've become the stragglers, the masters of procrastination when it comes to filing our taxes.

I think this is naturally what happens when life becomes so hectic you feel genuinely proud of yourself for remembering to apply deodorant more often than not.

The Procrastinor's Guide to Death and Taxes -- Do you file your taxes at the last possible minute every year? Here are some tips on how to procrastinate doing your taxes from a scatterbrained mother of 5.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

If any of you haven't yet reached that magical place in your lives, allow me to share a few of my favorite strategies for procrastinating e-filing your taxes:

  1. Start out by telling yourself you have plenty of time. P-l-e-n-t-y of time.
  2. As W-2s and interest statements from your bank start to roll in, tuck them in a safe place. Promptly forget where that safe place is.
  3. Okay, so now it really is April 14th so you'd better find them and get cracking. 
  4. Sit down to your computer and internally debate whether you need something to drink while you file your taxes. No, a snack. No, both. No  just a glass of water.
  5. Get back up to fix yourself some nachos. You made the wrong call about not needing a snack.
  6. Stare blankly at your keyboard, then check Facebook. Look up old boyfriends to see who's gone bald.
  7. Re-watch old Jimmy Kimmel skits on YouTube. 
  8. Gah, what are you doing? Open up your tax software and get started.
  9. Ask spouse for his social security number and end up arguing about which one of you is putting the forks and spoons in the dishwasher upside-down.
  10. Check to see if anyone has emailed you since you started filing your taxes.
  11. Realize your inbox is a total mess and tackle organizing it right now.
  12. Tidy up your computer work area. 
  13. Round up your children and clip all their toenails.
  14. Pin some motivational quotes on Pinterest before you get back to work.
  15. Visit a news site, but skip the important headlines and only read articles like "25 Crazy Facts About Your Favorite '80s Cartoons."
  16. Okay, taxes.You're filing taxes. Consider Tweeting that you are filing your taxes.
  17. Vow to get right back to work after you Google the lyrics to "Smells Like Teen Spirit." You've never understood a single word of that song and it's been bugging you since 1991.
I think you get the picture.

But like it or not, it has to be done because the only certainties in life are death and taxes. And laundry. If only I could file an extension for the "Mom, I don't have any clean underwear!" deadline.

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Unremarkable Files


mothers shadow said...

Oh, Jenny, I love it! You have a terrific sense of humor and make the mundane and the dreaded almost bearable. Keep it up! Thanks for linking up at the WW Blog Hop and featuring you on my FB page! Carrie, A Mother's Shadow

Unknown said...

This is so perfect! I'm ashamed to admit that this accurately describes many aspects of my life . . . homework, cleaning out the refrigerator, washing the car . . . maybe I need to start breaking my procrastination habit. haha But then there's those nachos, and what can I say? They call to me. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face. :)


Anonymous said...

This is hilarious!!

Unknown said...

Ha! I need to skip almost everything on your list and just get them done!

Brandyn Blaze said...

This cracked me up! Although we are tax overachievers and did them as soon as the W2s arrived, I can totally relate. I tend to procrastinate on all the important things, using most of the steps above!


Jenny Evans said...

Don't worry, you still have p-l-e-n-t-y of time...

Jenny Evans said...

Feel free to leave your ideas in the comments, I'll probably need them for next year.

Unknown said...

Ha! Too funny (and timely)... I just forced myself to finish our taxes today. Whew!

Loved this.

Thanks for sharing!

Queen Mom Jen said...

At the end of March we went ahead and filed for an extension, because we knew there was NO way it was going to happen for us by the 15th! Ultimate tax stragglers are we!

mumturnedmom said...

Love it, we still don't really 'get' US taxes...they are a lot simpler in the UK, it just all seems overly complicated here, but maybe that's just us... we do have an accountant, although so far it seems to have been wrong in some way every year :) I believe we have already filed for an extension! (PS. This would be perfect for this week's Prompt 'Procrastination' if you fancy joining in on Friday...)

Anonymous said...

This is always me when I have a deadline! Doing gazillion of other things than give that thing that I need to finish my attention. #sharewithme 

Jenny Evans said...

Thanks for letting me know, I'll be there!

Jenny Evans said...

Look on the bright side: you were obviously on top of your game to file for an extension several weeks in advance! I call that a success story.

About JollyJilly said...

This did make me smile in fact I think I will pin it to my office wall lol

Jenny Evans said...

These tips are pretty versatile, so I'm sure you could use them for a variety of work situations. Happy procrastinating.

Maddy@writingbubble said...

This really made me smile! Excellent techniques for all manner of situations especially anything as dull as taxes! #theprompt

Let's Talk Mommy said...

hahaha this made me chuckle and I think it's my parents to a T! lol Thank you so much for linking up to Share With Me. Have a great weekend. #sharewithme

Unknown said...

This was such a hilarious read.

Thanks for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

Wishing you a lovely weekend.

Think Positive and SMILE! said...

Ha ha!!! That was hilarious! I read it to my husband, and he was laughing right along with me. : ) He said that he liked how well it was written. He said that he could totally follow along with your thought pattern. : ) Thanks for sharing those humorous suggestions for us! We got our taxes done last month. : ) I hope you're able to get your taxes done by Tuesday night, the 14th, so that you can have ALL day on Wednesday, to relish in the fact that you got your taxes done before the due date!

Tubbs said...

We have different tax filing deadlines in the UK, but I do exactly the same! It is my worst job! Plus, the stress of when you do hit submit, of worrying if you've filled the return in correctly! #sharewithme

mumturnedmom said...

Thank you so much for sharing with #ThePrompt :)

Jenny Evans said...

So we finally did it. Aaaaaand realized just after we submitted that we forgot to check the box saying we had health insurance. So unless we want to pay a fine (we don't,) we already are looking forward to filing an amended return. Time for Round Two!

PurpleSlob said...

Hoo boy! Here it is April 4, 1916, and we haven'r done our taxes....
But, I still have p-l-e-n-t-y of time, right?? It's over a week away, after all!!