Tuesday, April 18, 2017

19 More Oddly Appropriate Careers Motherhood Has Prepared Me For

A mom is never "just a mom," and I'm not just talking about the obvious jobs we do like chef, taxi driver, and cheerleader.

No, the list of things I could do with my mothering expertise is as bizarre as it is long.

The list of things I could do with my mothering expertise is as bizarre as it is long.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}


Right now I'm happy to stick with the job title "mom," but if I decide to do some moonlighting on the side, I might be a:

Flight attendant. I'd be perfect for this, since what I already do all day long is fetch people drinks and give safety presentations that no one listens to.

911 dispatcher. Time has taught me that you can't get rattled every time your kids start hysterically screaming there's been a disaster. Just calmly ask "What's your emergency?" and try to get the details as best you can.

Event planner. Do you have any idea how many kids' theme parties I've put together in the last 12 years? Behind every laughing birthday boy or girl, there's this gal right here, working her butt off behind the scenes to make sure everyone has fun, plays nice, and doesn't lick all the cupcakes before we get to them.

Race car driver. My husband says I drive like a maniac, but if it means the difference between dropping the kids off at school on time or having to go into the office to sign a tardy slip, then so be it.

Dental hygienist. I've handled lost teeth, pulled out wiggly teeth, and by this point in my life, probably flossed other people's teeth more than I've flossed my own. I'll even smell your breath to check whether you've brushed before bed  good luck finding another dental hygienist who offers that kind of service.

Police officer. Even though my children get along really well, I won't lie: a sizable portion of my work day is sometimes devoted to intervening in domestic disturbances before things escalate to violence.

Cruise director. I was born for a job overseeing all activities and entertainment for all my passengers, always ready with a Plan B in case disaster strikes. Running around like a chicken with its head cut off to make sure everyone has a good time is the story of my life.

Wildlife control officer. Compared to coaxing an overtired, manic toddler into his crib every afternoon, trapping stray dogs and the occasional rabid raccoon doesn't seem like it would be that big of a deal.

Hostage negotiator. I'm basically an expert at defusing potentially dangerous situations by talking someone down from the ledge. And anyway, hostage negotiations are just a higher-stakes version of the back-and-forth I do every day with my kids on everything from screen time to cookies.



Personal trainer. To get an idea of my services, please visit during the hours of 3-5 PM when my children are doing homework. I will set goals with you, provide personalized instruction, and offer motivation (usually having to do with how long you're allowed to play Minecraft that day.)

Free sample lady at Costco. My kids may not think much of the finished meals I cook, but every night when I prepare dinner they're at my elbow asking for a piece of this or a bite of that. I should just set up a card table in the kitchen and serve everything on toothpicks instead.

Referee. No matter where I come down on a dispute between my kids, it's going to be an unpopular call with someone. But no amount of arguing, shouting, crying, or eye-rolling can faze me: I'm basically doing the job of an NFL referee, all I have to learn is the hand signals.

Travel agent. With three children in various sports, activities, and clubs, I'm an expert at getting you where you need to go when you need to get there. Sometimes an itinerary looks impossible on paper  like two kids with soccer practice on two different fields at the same time every Wednesday  but I can make it happen.

Paparazzi. I would be the best at ambushing celebrities with my camera as they're trying to go about their everyday lives. As evidence, I can present approximately 400 pictures of my baby lying on a blanket doing absolutely nothing of importance from every conceivable angle. All from this morning.

The list of things I could do with my mothering expertise is as bizarre as it is long.  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}

Bouncer. I metaphorically (and sometimes physically) stand at the door of my home to watch who's coming in, keep order, and make sure everyone's safe. And if you're behaving aggressively or disobeying the rules, I won't hesitate to kick you out on the sidewalk.

Chemist. Every time I clean out the refrigerator, I peer into Tupperware containers full of unidentifiable contents and wonder if I've created new forms of life. The experiments going on in my fridge are really quite impressive, whether or not they ever find their way into a peer-reviewed journal. 

Home stager. When I'm expecting company, the house becomes a clean and tidy bizarro-version of its former self. My small assistants begrudgingly help me do the work.

Radio DJ. I haven't listened to a single thing in the car that I've wanted to hear for the last 10 years. Feel free to put in your request for what song you want me to play next  everyone else does.

College professor. I consider myself one of the chiefest educators in my children's lives. Popular classroom lectures include "I am not your maid," "I'm going to count to 3," and "I brought you into this world and I can take you right back out."

As a mom, I've developed such a diverse set of skills I'm now prepared for practically any career on the face of the planet.

As long as that career lets me take a secret snack break locked in the bathroom when things get really stressful.

(If you loved this, you'll want to read the original list of 19 careers, too.)

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Unremarkable Files

7 comments:

  1. hahaha! I also figure I could be an "event planner" based on siblings' birthday parties alone. My Mom would have never made it as a travel agent though--her answer whenever any of us asked to do some afterschool activities or church program or whatever is, "Sure, if you can get there by yourself." Baby sis Sarah took ballet lessons for a year, but only because her friend's mom signed her up for it and took her. She had to stop last fall because the friend's classtime changed and her friend's mom couldn't take her to the saturday lesson anymore. I did theater in high school, and acting competitions, and walked to every practice and coaching session.

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    1. Apparently your mom is a much smarter woman than I am!

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  2. Serving dinner on toothpicks is freaking genius. My kids will eat all kinds of healthy crap if it comes in the form of a Costco sample.

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  3. I never thought of these career choices as something I'm getting qualified for, but it certainly seems as if we fit the bill for sure. Kids have a way of teaching us just as much as we teach them that's for sure.
    I love how you add humor into our daily lives!

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  4. Getting to go to the bathroom by myself and eat snacks without sharing was one of the major reasons I loved working when the kids were little 😂 But now if I ever decide to go back to work, I've got all these skills to add to my resume!

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  5. I'd like to add Crime Scene investigator to the list. I can, with frightening accuracy, reconstruct a scene and find the culprit. I am also very good at re-tracing steps and finding missing things.

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  6. Very true! I'm an expert at the paparazzi job.

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