Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Oh Yeah, I Forgot About That...

Every time I become a mother again, there's something I forget: a certain stage babies go through.

Oh Yeah, I Forgot About That -- a mother's meditations on the perpetual motion of a baby whose sole mission is to seek and destroy  {posted @ Unremarkable Files}


See that gray area? I always forget about the stage right there, in the middle.

I like to call this the "How are you still alive?!" stage. And it has arrived.

If you're my baby right now, you probably think it's a good idea to:
  • Book it for the stairs every time you're on the second story
  • Kick the fireplace grate until it falls over on you
  • Open the bathroom cabinet and dump Comet cleaner on your face
  • Suck on wood pellets from the pellet-burning stove
  • Attempt to eat a used band-aid you found in the pew at church

My cuddly infant has morphed into a fully mobile Tasmanian devil that never stops moving, touching, yanking, and grabbing.

He's made all of his sisters cry by pulling their hair.

We make people wearing earrings sign a waiver before they hold him.

At mealtimes, I count myself lucky if he only flicks, spits, or sneezes food on my face and not the rest of me, because the last thing I need is more laundry on my hands.

He has an uncanny talent for whacking the keyboard and sending half-composed emails to the principal of my daughter's school (who, ironically, I'm trying to convince that we have it all somewhat together.) 

I could write a novel the size of Les Miserables about the disgusting things he's put in his mouth (or tried to.) It doesn't matter how clean I keep the carpet, he'll find something.

This morning I was shocked to catch him entertaining himself for nearly 10 minutes (!) with a toy. A toy! And it was his own! It didn't have small pieces and it wasn't breakable or dangerous or toxic or anything! I almost didn't know what to do with myself.

Other than that little anomaly, though, it's been non-stop cord-chewing, paper-eating, library book-ripping fun around here. 

As I think about the things my son has broken, knocked over, eaten, or destroyed in the last 24 hours, I can't help but wonder about a certain night we went to dinner at another couple's house.

I noticed that there weren't any baby locks on the kitchen cabinets, and I remarked on how hard it must be to keep their one-year-old out of them. They looked at me in a serene way and told me that they just told their baby "no," and he stayed away from the cabinets. 

Either they were lying, or... well, they were obviously lying. 


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Unremarkable Files

24 comments:

  1. Haha what a brilliant post! I only have one boy who is 9 now so fully toilet trained, very responsible and independent. Some days I get broody about having another one but it's this 'stage' that scares the cr*p out of me! I don't know if I can go through it again. It doesn't last though does it? Things gets easier. I guess we should enjoy each part of the journey. Great to visit your blog, I'll stop by again. Tor xx

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    1. It's brief. You clean up the same thing about 3,000 times a day, but it's brief.

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  2. Haha! I completely forgot about that stage too. Oh yes... so much "fun".

    Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop.

    Wishing you a lovely evening.
    xoxo

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  3. What makes you survive those stages is you have to remind yourself 3,000 times a day that it's not permanent. They do grow up. Remember? Your other four have been there and moved on.

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  4. Oh yes, mom-zheimers. It's real and I have it with every child as well. P.S. Your friends were lying :)

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    1. Mom-zheimers! I can't believe I've been living with this disorder for so long and not knowing the name for it. Thank you!

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  5. My girl is in that stage...with a vengeance! She is so much different than her older sister. Her favorite spot right now? Sitting or standing on the kitchen table. Nice...

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    1. Maybe you could just get her to wear a helmet?

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  6. I'll never understand how babies that age can move so fast. It's like they are little indestructible speed machines.

    "We tell the baby no and the baby doesn't do it." Puh-lease. Hahahahaha!

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  7. Oh yes, all of them are obviously lying! A one year old can't produce a coherent sentence, but can understand the word no? Please point me to that baby's direction...Don't worry, you're not alone. My daughter's the same way--she loves cords and taking things out of my kitchen cupboards...oh joy!

    This was a great post! Love your humor, always!

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  8. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. In the ultimate irony, I was reviewing my comments this morning with said baby on my lap and he deleted this one. (I can't figure out how to recover it - sorry, Katie!)

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  9. Teheeee I can laugh because we're there at the moment too with my third. I'm sure the others were the same but my memory has very helpfully rose tinted those memories. And now I'm longing for this phase to end!!! The words 'spirited' and 'personality' get bandied around a lot with this one... polite description of 'oh my goodness your child is CRAZY'!!!!! Oh and those other people were totally lying weren't they?! (Please?!)x

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    1. It's like labor. After it's over, you're like, "That wasn't so bad" Of course, not remembering AT ALL that it totally was!!

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  10. I love this. Mostly in sympathy. I remember that stage very clearly and it is something that you would rather forget, but then you also get the most beautiful innocent smiles and chubby faces and little toes that you just want to eat. Enjoy it while you can.

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  11. I love that you had that reaction to the other couple! One of my colleagues at work who's daughter is now in her 20s told us that her daughter never had a tantrum when she was a toddler and I really scoffed at that! I thought it was complete mis-remembering but it gnawed away at me and I ended up researching it and writing a whole post on the phenomenon of 'the no-tantrum child' which is actually a thing apparently! (she said through gritted teeth!) Mm what a stage - I think my 2.5 year old is finally over the cord-chewing but now he's at the full melt-down because you didn't take his shoes off quickly enough. My angel. :-) Thanks for linking up again Jenny! #thetruthabout X

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  12. Hah, fun to read, my baby is in the exact same stage. I was just telling my husband that I could employ a someone for 12 hours a day to go around and vaccum and sweep and he would still find something inedible and possibly toxic and dangerous to put in his mouth. And yet when its meal time? Forget it! He'd prefer the dead spider he found under the couch.

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    1. When Kirby comes in to do their in-home vacuum demos, instead of using little white filters to show how much dirt it picked up they should just let a 10-month-old loose afterward and see how clean it really is!

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  13. I just read your blog for the first time and I hope you ladies out their don't think I'm telling a lie but my daughter who is now 38 I must add always listen when I said no when she was that age. Maybe it was because she was a only child, but I never had to use those cabinet door locks. But I loved reading it all the same .

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    1. My theory is that there's something different about your DNA structure that you passed on to your daughter. That's really the only thing I can think of.

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  14. Bahaha! I'm just about to re-enter that stage with my second (currently 7 months). Last week we were outside enjoying a blissful 40 degree day after months of freezing weather. I set my baby under a pine tree on a blanket so I could snap a quick picture. In no time he grabbed a pinecone and shoved it in his mouth. Ahh! Baby boy! You're not even crawling yet - how did you move that fast! Yup, I am so in trouble. Thanks for the chuckle! :)

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    1. I hope you got a picture of him with the pinecone hanging out of his mouth! That way you can remember what this age is actually like!

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  15. Oh my lanta! My grand is 2 and 1/2, and still in that stage! But sometimes morphs into Omie's little helper! But the shoes not off fast enuff? Yeah, it so happens!! Her mother on the other hand, was so calm and Stationary!! She didn't ever get into stuff! That's why I was lulled into having another one! Who was mobile from 6 months on- full on tornado!!! good thing she was second, there would have been NO second if she had been first!!

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