Monday, December 17, 2018

Things Kids Say Right Before They Get Hurt

When my toddler looked at me seriously from his seat at the kitchen table, said "I'm not going to fall," and then seconds later, fell off his chair, I realized something.

Kids give you clues to how and when they're going to get hurt, if you know how to read them.

Being the helpful parent I am, I've put together this handy guidebook for you: think of it as a sort of Spanish-English dictionary, but for injuries immediately following commonly-used childhood phrases.

You're welcome.

This funny parent guide will make you laugh today. Did you hear your toddler say “I do it myself!” or your older children say “Mom, look at me?” Then there’s a 95% chance your kid is about to hurt himself. #kids #parenting #parentinghumor #momlife #real #funny #unremarkablefiles

Look at me!


Look at me! /'lʊk æt mi/

You can expect the mildest type of injury here, such as a skinned knee or split lip. Easily treatable by kissing it better. If that doesn't work, trying displaying excessive amounts of concern and administering Band-aids (placebo) or icing invisible injuries with a bag of frozen French cut green beans (also placebo.)

Tip: Don't be fooled by excessive tears and the fact that your child is howling like a distressed Alaskan Malamute. She is fine.

Hey guys, watch this.


Hey guys, watch this. /heɪ ɡaɪz, wɑtʃ ðɪs/

Most commonly precedes a goose egg on the forehead, rugburn along the back or stomach, or a black eye. Other kids may be implicated in said accident but it will be hard to tell who, since they'll immediately scatter .2 seconds after the injury occurs.

I can do it myself.

I can do it myself. /aɪ kæn du ɪt maɪˈself/

The more emphatically this phrase is said, the more quickly and certainly injury will follow. Bumps to the head, tripping, accidental side splits on the hardwood floor, and falling after getting entangled in a pair of pants are common. Treatment is usually not necessary; your hardest job as a parent will be not laughing at the irony.

Don't worry, I do this all the time.


Don't worry, I do this all the time. /doʊnt ˈwʌri, aɪ du ðɪs ɔl ðə taɪm/

Just as with "I can do it myself," the more assured your child is that he's got this totally under control the more definitely there is going to be bodily harm. However, "Don't worry, I do this all the time" injuries are generally more serious in nature, often involving lacerations to the face, head, or hands.

Tip: If you hear your child say "Don't worry, I do this all the time," it's a good idea to go start up the car because a trip to urgent care is imminent. Hopefully the scar won't be too bad.

This is gonna be awesome!


This is gonna be awesome! /ðɪs ɪz ˈɡɔnə bi ˈɔsəm/

This one means an E.R. copay for sure, and is usually the result of an elaborate hare-brained scheme that you certainly would have put a stop to earlier had you known about it.

Depending on how you are in an emergency, you'll either hyperventilate while dialing 911 or swiftly put any severed body parts on ice and drive to the nearest emergency room. You'll be furious at your child's disturbing lack of judgement from anywhere from 6-12 weeks, but after that it will at least become a good story to tell at family reunions and holidays.

I saw a guy do this once on YouTube


I saw a guy do this once on YouTube. /aɪ sɔ ə ɡaɪ du ðɪs wʌns ɑn ju tub/

Unfortunately, this means a concussion and possible property damage. An emergency visit to the dentist may also be necessary. Following the injury, you'll most likely forbid your child to access WiFi until he turns 35.

Now, predicting your child's next injury isn't an exact science. It's more like reading tea leaves or interpreting a Mother's Day card from your preschooler. But I think you get the idea, and hopefully this guide helps. 

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Friday, December 14, 2018

7 Quick Takes about How You Know Your Mail Carrier Is Feeling Overwhelmed, a Not-So-Silent Night, and Delectable Desserts

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

1


My toddler's current book obsession is The Sweet Smell of Christmas, a cute little children's read about a cartoon bear family getting ready for Christmas. Creatively enough, the family members are named Father Bear, Mother Bear, and Little Bear (or sometimes just 'Bear' for short.)

My 10-year-old thinks it's weird, because calling the main character "Bear" is like naming the protagonist of a story "Human," but whatever.

That's why you don't read picture books with a 10-year-old. They think they know everything.

2


The funny thing about The Sweet Smell of Christmas is that it was originally published in 1970, so a few things are a little dated. On the last page Father Bear is shown smoking a pipe which you obviously don't see in kids' literature today, and the last time we read it my 4-year-old started asking questions.

"What's that in his mouth?"

"It's a pipe."

"What's that?"

"You put stuff in it and light it on fire and then breathe the smoke. But it's not good for you."

"Do you do that?"

"No, the Word of Wisdom [the code of health in our religion] says we shouldn't smoke. And I follow the Word of Wisdom. Do you?"

"No."

Well, this was news to me! He's four. "Why not?" I laughed.

"Sometimes in the driveway when it's cold I breathe smoke." He looked up at me anxiously. "Is that okay?"

What followed was a discussion about water vapor and condensation that went completely over his head and next time I think we'll just skip that page.

3


For some reason, my younger kids went through the Lego bin, collected the heads of all the Lego figures, and have been carrying them around in a basket.

I don't know why. Kids are weird.

I've seen them making a 2-3 foot long tower of Lego heads, and the other day I went to put on my shoe and recoiled in horror only to realize that the kids were keeping their heads in there.

Sometimes they just leave them on the kitchen counter, which is actually very creepy when you start looking at their facial expressions.

7 Quick Takes Friday is the funniest weekly recap where you can feel better about your domestic fails, mom fails, and just about every other kind of fail. This is real life. #7quicktakes #7qt #friday #unremarkablefiles #real #relatable #momlife
Why no, this doesn't remind me at all of a grotesque painting from the 15th century depicting the souls of the wretched in Purgatory, why do you ask? 

4


Phillip sang in a winter recital with our daughter accompanying him on violin, and then at the end there was a beautiful rendition of Silent Night with accompaniment from a string quartet.

It sounded so lovely, but my 2- and 4-year-olds had already sat through 90 minutes of music and it was an hour past their bedtime so they were going nuts.

To preserve the peace, I stood in the back and told them they could run around in the space outside the recital hall. No one would be able to hear them through the thick double doors, but there was also a window in the doors so I could keep an eye on them.

Let me tell you, it's a priceless experience listening to the world's most moving arrangement of Silent Night when you're simultaneously watching two slaphappy little kids careening around bouncing off the walls and each other like pinballs.

5


I looked out the window to see the mail carrier coming down our driveway with a package, so I met him at the door to get it.

This is what he handed me:

7 Quick Takes Friday is the funniest weekly recap where you can feel better about your domestic fails, mom fails, and just about every other kind of fail. This is real life. #7quicktakes #7qt #friday #unremarkablefiles #real #relatable #momlife

7 Quick Takes Friday is the funniest weekly recap where you can feel better about your domestic fails, mom fails, and just about every other kind of fail. This is real life. #7quicktakes #7qt #friday #unremarkablefiles #real #relatable #momlife

The best part was, he wasn't even mildly apologetic about it. He just handed it to me with a smile like, #sorrynotsorry.

Luckily the package was nothing breakable, but just in case you're thinking of priority mailing your grandmother's antique teacup collection you may want to wait until after December. It looks like the post office guys are a little stressed out right now.

6


We've been listening to Christmas music and my middle schooler had questions, specifically about the tradition of kissing under the mistletoe.

"That just doesn't make any sense!" she said. "It's completely random. You have to kiss someone if you walk under mistletoe? Why not, if you're with somebody and you see some poison ivy you have to slap them?"

Which, now that I think about it, is probably the most hilarious idea I've ever heard.

Also, there's a lot of poison ivy in New England, so I'm actually kind of scared to walk around with my daughter now.

7


When my 12-year-old and I got back from her violin lesson, the younger kids were running around screaming and the house was destroyed and covered in Nerf darts.

Usually Phillip supervises cleanup and has everyone halfway ready for bed by the time we get home, but he was a short work trip so I'd just left them in the care of the 10-year-old with instructions not to kill each other while I was gone.

It took a long time to get everyone in bed and once I did, I still had a Christmas letter to write and a 14-year-old to pick up whenever she got back in town from an indoor indoor track meet.

It had been a long day and looked like it was going to be a long night, so I decided to make myself a nice treat.

I found a decadent-looking "hot chocolate for one" recipe online, mixed everything up, popped it in the microwave, and burst out laughing when I opened it to behold the splendor of my creation:

7 Quick Takes Friday is the funniest weekly recap where you can feel better about your domestic fails, mom fails, and just about every other kind of fail. This is real life. #7quicktakes #7qt #friday #unremarkablefiles #real #relatable #momlife
There appears to have been a struggle.

Full disclosure: I poured that hot chocolate into a clean cup and drank it anyway and it was delicious.

Happy Friday, guys!

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Monday, December 10, 2018

Top 10 Best Parenting Posts of 2018

Wow, [insert generic statement about not being able to believe how time has flown and it's almost the end of the year already]!


Picked by yours truly using a super-scientific algorithm I concocted by looking at my blog stats and simply rating how much I liked writing each one, here are the top 10 parenting posts of 2018 on Unremarkable Files.

Which one is your favorite?


#1:
Your Attitudes about Basic Things, Before and After Having Kids

January 22, 2018


Before I had kids, I had several drawers full of beauty products and went to the hair salon 4 times a year. Ten years later, my son can't pick a blowdryer out of a lineup and I've had this scrunchie in my hair since my daughter was born.

#2:
The Teenager Registry for Parents During the 55th Trimester

October 22, 2018


Oh, how I loved writing this piece. Newborn registry guides get ALL the love on the Internet, so I wanted to write a piece for parents with kids turning 13 (also known in parenting circles as "the 55th trimester") to let them know what kinds of helpful gear they'll need to get through this.

#3:
From the Self-Help Section of My Toddler's Bookshelf

September 17, 2018


I made a shocking discovery when cleaning out my toddler's room one day: his secret stash of toddler self-help books. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised: they have to learn that "going boneless when they don't want to be picked up" trick from somewhere.

#4:
18 Ways You Know You've Had a Lot of Babies

August 8, 2018


Once you have 6 babies you start to notice that things are a little different than they used to be... can you relate?

#5:
An Open Letter to the Mom in Love You Forever


March 14, 2018


If you love this book and think it's a sweet children's story with absolutely 100% nothing creepy about it, then keep scrolling. But if you had a few concerns about the stalker mom in Love You Forever, you'll appreciate this.

#6:
It's the 21st Century and Girls Can Grow Up to Be Anything... Almost

September 10, 2018


A serious piece on gender equality and how it affects my daughters, especially how they view the role of "mom." Inspired by, of all things, watching an animated kids' movie about bunnies.

#7:
Toddler Reviews of a New Restaurant that Caters Exactly to Them

June 11, 2018


If toddler restaurants were a thing, they'd let you color on the tables, serve ketchup with everything, and the acoustics would be specially designed for banging silverware. Here's what the patrons have to say about it on Yelp.

#8:
6 Fall Knits That Look Great With Your Kid's Snot on the Shoulder

October 22, 2018


Moms need style guides, too, and in the fall/winter months we all want to know: what sweater is going to go with our kids' snot smeared on our shoulders??

#9:
The Perfectly Average Mom's Guide to Spring Cleaning

March 7, 2018


Pinterest cleaning schedules, move over. This is what it's really going to look like if you attempt spring cleaning your house when there are still small people living in it.

#10:
The Bare Minimum Is a Valid Option, Too

February 5, 2018



You don't have to go all out for every occasion. Sometimes mediocre is okay. Sometimes even the bare minimum is okay. And I'm not talking to only the people behind you: I'm talking to you, too.

As an early Christmas gift to me, consider sharing your favorite post on social media. (Those of you who finished Christmas shopping in September, feel free to silently revel in being a better person than everyone.)

When an article gets around on social media, it's how I know you like what I'm writing. And nothing, other than my kids removing their dirty underwear from their pants, would feel like a better way to end 2018.

Here are the 10 funniest and most heartfelt parenting posts of the year, covering everything from raising toddlers to raising teenagers. The sarcastic post about spring cleaning is so true and completely hilarious. #parenting #parentingarticles #parentinghumor #relatable #sotrue #funny #unremarkablefiles

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Friday, December 7, 2018

7 Quick Takes about Scented Domestic Failures, Good Questions about Birds, and Why It's Impossible to Raise Happy Children

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

1


This week, someone gave me a Christmas-scented simmer pot blend (a mixture of good-smelling stuff you put on the stove to make your house smell good,) and it proved to me I may be the least domestic person in all of New England.

I only knew what it was, first of all, because I'd received one a few years ago from somebody more put together than I am, and I had to Google it. At the time, Phillip and I were poking at the bag like monkeys going "What is this? Do you eat it?"

I think that first bag is still sitting in a cupboard somewhere, but I decided this time I'd be a wonderful homemaker and use it. Plus, there was some stinky laundry sitting in front of the washing machine I needed to cover up.

I got it going on the stove and things were smelling pretty good, until I took my toddler upstairs for a nap and accidentally fell asleep, burning the simmer pot ingredients to a crisp.

Welcome to the holiday fail edition of 7 Quick Takes! I guarantee this relatable weekly recap will make you feel like you're not the only one who can't get it together. Follow our big family and all the assorted chaos with 7 Quick Takes Friday! #7quicktakes #7qt #friday #thatslife #unremarkablefiles
Just call me Martha Stewart.

When my husband came home from work just a little while later he asked, "What's for dinner? It smells good and bad in here."

2


For our annual December family service project, we decided to print out a blank calendar and assign each day a different way we can be kind or helpful.

We are definitely failing.

On the first day, we were going to donate canned goods at the door of a Christmas concert, but we forgot to bring them. Luckily, it was at our church and the collection boxes were still there the next day, so we ran home after services to grab some canned beans (the kids chanting "beans, beans, the musical fruit" in the backseat the whole way.)

The second day we tried to make ginger cookies for Phillip to share at work, but the kids used a weird recipe they found online and ended up producing something that looked like poop emojis and tasted like toothpaste. We had to throw it out and try again the next day.

On the third day, we forgot to remind the kids in the morning: our daily goal was to say "thank you" at every opportunity. I reminded them when they came home from school in the afternoon, at which point my 12-year-old put on a ridiculous dur-dur-dur voice and said "THANKS for reminding me!" So there's that.

I should've known this would be even more disastrous than the advent devotional, but at least we're trying, right?

3



We're having a much better success rate, however, at Secret Sibling. Secret Sibling is the family "gift" exchange we started last year, and I love it so much.

Instead of each of the kids exchanging gifts for Christmas, they draw another sibling's name and sneakily do something nice for that person every day or December. Then on Christmas, they reveal in a clever way who's been making that sibling's bed on the sly and slipping treats in their lunch box.

One of the things I like best about being a mom is seeing the kids interact with each other, so I really love seeing them creep around doing nice things for each other all month.

4


Last year my 4-year-old went through an intense "why" phase. He asked 'why' about every conceivable thing, and it really wore me out.

I'd forgotten how difficult it really was, until he reminded me. We were driving and I braked for the person ahead of me, so he asked, "Why did you slow down?

"Because the person ahead of me slowed down."

"Why?"

"Because he was turning."

"Why?"

"Because... he wanted to go that way, I guess."

"Why?"

While I was trying to figure out how to answer that, he piped up again with another question: "Mom, why are birds real?"

So I guess we're not totally out of the woods yet.

5


I was browsing through my Pinterest feed when this article happened to catch my eye.

Welcome to the holiday fail edition of 7 Quick Takes! I guarantee this relatable weekly recap will make you feel like you're not the only one who can't get it together. Follow our big family and all the assorted chaos with 7 Quick Takes Friday! #7quicktakes #7qt #friday #thatslife #unremarkablefiles

Normally I don't worry too much about raising happier kids; I'm hoping that piece will just fall into place if I manage to make them into productive members of society who believe in God and know I love them. 

But for whatever reason, I clicked on the article to learn how I can raise a happier child, which took me to a error message saying "This page does not exist."

So just in case you were worried about being a fantastic fun parent, don't. Knowing that it's impossible takes off a lot of pressure, doesn't it?

6



For Phillip's birthday in November, I surprised him with tickets to see The Messiah performed at Symphony Hall.

As a bit of background, he's an acoustics engineer for building materials. We can't go to a public space without his eyes wandering upward to check out the ceilings, and he's specifically mentioned several times how he'd like to see the visit Symphony Hall for the acoustics someday, so I knew he'd love this. For the last month, I've jokingly referred to this trip as a pilgrimage.

The concert did not disappoint. It was beyond amazing. The kind of amazing that makes you forget where you are and what time it is or even that there is such a thing as time. If they'd finished the 2.5-hour concert and then offered to start over and do it again, I would have immediately stopped clapping and sat back down.

The kids next to me, though, didn't look so thrilled. They appeared to be around 7 and 9, and that's a long time to sit and listen. By the end, the girl was melting out of her chair and the boy appeared to be considering chewing off a limb in order to escape.

I dug through my purse hoping I'd have a pad of paper or something they could maybe draw on, but all I could find was Hot Wheels and Cheerios. Neither of which I thought would have entertained them for long.

7


We rarely have the luxury of lazy weekend mornings anymore, now that the kids are older and involved in a bajillion activities.

But on Saturday morning, my 12-year-old snapped a really sweet photo of me and my 2-year-old when he crawled in to bed to cuddle after waking up. At the time the picture was taken I thought, "Oh, what a beautiful candid shot of the love between a mother and her child."

After a few minutes, though, I realized I'd actually come to treasure it as "a beautiful candid shot of the moment before your toddler throws up all over your comforter." You know what they say about hindsight.

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Thursday, December 6, 2018

10 Children's Bedtime Stories That Won't Push You Over the Edge

Some links in this post are affiliate links, so if you use them to buy anything I will receive a small portion of the purchase price for referring you.

Few things make me want to cry more than when I'm exhausted at the end of a long day, the kids are running around screaming instead of brushing their teeth and going to sleep, and then somebody hands me a bedtime story as long as the Oxford English Dictionary.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like reading with my kids and will happily do it during the day.

But by the kids' bedtime, I'm DONE. It's late and this is taking forever and I know that there are still, in the words of the poet Robert Frost, miles to go before I sleep.

For the sake of my sanity, I need a children's bedtime story that is short, funny, and every bit as enjoyable for me as it is for the kids. Here are my top 10 favorite children's books, the ones so good I don't even skip words when I think I can get away with it:


What! Cried Granny, Kate Lum


I dare say this is my favorite children's book of all-time. In a ridiculously exaggerated twist on the classic stalling-before-bed routine of all kids everywhere, Patrick's spunky granny turns out to be able to do literally anything. The kids love it when I yell "whaaaaat?!?" in a funny voice as I read granny, and the pictures are great, too. I never get tired of reading this book, and I've read this one a lot


Some Dogs Do, Jez Alborough


Normally, I'm not a fan of rhyming kids' books. Most of them feel too contrived to me. But I love this book. The plot is sweet, and at the end when Sid finds out the secret I genuinely feel happy almost every time. Believing in yourself is the theme of this book, and I love that Sid's family are the ones who really have his back at the end of the day.


The Monster At the End of This Book


Shout out to your childhood! This book is every bit as good as you remember it from when you were little. The idea is simple: tell the kids that whatever they do, they should not turn the next page of this book, and maniacal giggling (and page-turning) will ensue. Listening to them in hysterics is honestly my favorite part of reading this book.


The New Potty, Gina and Mercer Mayer


I will gladly read anything in the Little Critter series, but I have a particular soft spot for The New Potty. Maybe it's just because that's the Mercer Mayer book we've owned longest, but I think it's the funniest one. Or maybe I can relate to the humor after potty training so many kids. Either way, this book is great.


The Composer Is Dead, Lemony Snicket


Until I stumbled across it in the library, I had no idea Lemony Snicket also wrote picture books. They are even more hilarious than A Series of Unfortunate Events. This farcical interrogation of all the instruments in the orchestra to solve the composer's murder will have you earnestly laughing, especially if you consider yourself a music buff. Bonus: it's even funnier on CD, which comes included in the book.


The Book with No Pictures, B.J. Novak


It's hard to tell whether I get more of a kick out of: this book's text or the kids' reactions. True to its title, this book has absolutely no pictures, but my 2-year-old and 4-year-old will sit through the entire thing and ask for it again (I'll say yes if it's not at bedtime.) You might remember B.J. Novak's name because he both wrote for and starred in The Office, so he's obviously hilarious.


Dragons Love Tacos, Adam Rubin


If you're looking for a cautionary tale with a moral you should probably look elsewhere, because this book is just plain fun. There's a lot for little eyes to look at in the cartoon illustrations, and the story is serious about a very silly subject: never feed dragons spicy salsa on their tacos. The author had me at "taco party."


Good for Nothing Button, by Charise Mericle Harper and Mo Willems


Your first-grader could read this out loud to you if you wanted, but unlike most easy readers that are so repetitive they make me want to remove my eyes with a melon-baller, I truly enjoy this one. You will see every one of your small child's infuriating, illogical, and lovable behaviors in these Mo Willems characters as they all clamor to push a button that does absolutely nothing.


Dog on a Frog, Kes and Claire Gray


Okay, I know what I said about rhyming books, but here is another exception to the rule. Dog on a Frog is almost Dr. Suess-like in how it plays with language (but it isn't as long as a Dr. Seuss book, making it a perfect bedtime read.) Not only will your kids love the goofy humor about nonsensical rules that have to rhyme, but so will you.


Where the Sidewalk Ends, Shel Silverstein


Sometimes instead of a full-length bedtime story, I'll ask the kids to choose 3 poems from this collection. (Even though it's quicker to read, the kids still feel like they got away with something.) The poems are for children and about children, each one more brilliant and funny than the last. Even the younger kids who don't "get" each poem still enjoy looking at the sketches on every page. We love Where the Sidewalk Ends and also the second book of poems A Light in the Attic.

Bedtime is the hardest part of the day for me and every other parent I know, but trust me, it's at least a little easier when your kid's bedtime story doesn't make you want to scream and jump out of the second-story window. The kids are probably doing a good enough job of that on their own.

Some children’s books make awful bedtime stories: they’re too long! Enjoy this list of 10 short bedtime stories for kids of any age that are also laugh out loud funny. I promise you’ll enjoy these picture books every bit as much as your kids do. #bedtimestories #funny #picturebooks #kidsbooks #bedtime #kids #unremarkablefiles

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Monday, December 3, 2018

10 Most Hilarious Parenting Memes of 2018

One of the most frivolous things I do is take my wry parenting observations and make them into funny parenting memes on social media.

Since life with kids gets stressful sometimes, I figure writing sarcastic memes (1) is better than running away to join the circus, (2) is probably a better use of my time that eating spoonfuls of Nutella from the jar when my kids aren't looking. Although to be clear, I do that, too.

Can you relate to my 10 most hilarious and most popular memes of 2018?

Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

10. It was an amazing 7 seconds.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

9. Yeah, that's kind of why I'm flipping out.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

8. Sometimes you love your husband so much you let him live, anyway.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

7. I'm not a fan of the cold, but every cloud has a silver lining.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

6. This is what "choosing your battles" looks like.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

5. It's the only time I feel calm, really.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

4. There's a reason experts say sleep deprivation is the equivalent of being legally drunk.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

3. Really hope nobody catches on to this hypocrisy anytime soon.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

2. I know it's hard. Keep moving or I'll slash your tires, Brenda.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

1. So glad I spent 6 months planning this. Thanks, guys.


Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles


And just because you've been such a great audience this year, here's a bonus veme for you!

Don't tell me this has never happened at your house, too.

Laugh your yoga pants at these funny memes about parenting and life with kids. Hilarious and relatable – no parent in the world can say they haven’t done Number 3. #parentinghumor #memes #kids #momlife #lol #funny #hilarious #unremarkablefiles

If you liked these memes don't forget to follow me on Facebook and Pinterest. Remember, you don't have to wait until the end-of-the-year roundup on the blog to see this stuff like the commoners. You're better than that.

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Friday, November 30, 2018

7 Quick Takes about Upping the Creepy Factor in Your Holiday Gift Exchange, Our New Pet Wolf, and Why I'm Renouncing My Citizenship as an Earthling

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

1


My fifth-grader's class is doing a Secret Santa gift exchange in December, except instead of a traditional gift they're supposed to give a box of stories, poems, and/or illustrations they've created.

Today they're drawing the name of a classmate, who they're instructed to observe until December 14th to get an idea of what they might like before starting on the project.

As my son explained this all to me, my 12-year-old walked by and said "So you're just supposed to stalk someone in your class for two weeks? Creepy."

I doubt their teacher was going for "Secret Stalker gift exchange," but that's kids for you.

2


Phillip was hunting all around the house for something the other day and paused in his searching to ask, "Have you seen my hooded sweatshirt?"

"The green one?" I said.

"Uh..." he looked at me with a quizzical face. "I don't have a green one."

Well, that was an odd thing to say. His forest green hoodie is his favorite one. It has warm, fuzzy forest green lining and he puts it on when he gets home practically every day.

As I was explaining this, Phillip looked at me like I was sprouting additional heads and informed me that the hoodie I'm talking about is 100% gray.

When he found it and slipped it on I took a picture. Due to the light it doesn't look as green in this picture as it does in actual life to my eyes, but it's still green-ish, right? Someone please tell me you see it, too.

7 Quick Takes is the Friday roundup of the weekly shenanigans of a big family. This week we’re getting a head start on Christmas fails and having funny arguments over the color of a sweatshirt – can you relate? #7quicktakes #7qt #unremarkablefiles #largefamilies #funny
Subject of the photo refused to look at the camera or stop making eggs because he thought this was a dumb argument to be taking to the Internet.

This isn't exactly a new topic, though, because we also can't agree on what color the house is. I say yellow and he says green. However, I'd like to point out I once asked a neutral third party who said "tan," proving that our house color is legitimately ambiguous.

3


As we were sitting down to lunch with a friend's preschooler who was over for the day, he told us all conversationally, "I don't have any pets."

Bolting upright in his chair, my 2-year-old yelled "I do!"

Seeing that for the last several years Phillip and I have held to a strict "no bringing things into the house that require Mom to clean up their poop except for babies" rule, I was curious about what pet he could be thinking of.

"What kind of pet do you have?" I asked him.

He pointed to his shirt, which displayed the outline of a wolf, and said, "I have a dog."

Phew. Well, as long as he's happy and there's no feces involved, then I'm okay with it.

4


Autocorrect has been driving me nuts lately. If I don't go back and edit my texts, I sound like a crazy person when I talk to people.

Not only does it insist on changing the names of my children and everyone else I know to random nouns (my friend Susan is just going to have to officially change her name to Sudan at this point,) but it also leaves the obvious typos like "someth8ng."

As if that would ever be something I actually meant to write. Get it together, autocorrect!

5


I was at the library browsing for some easy readers for my first grader, and as I ran my finger over the spines of the paperbacks I noticed that one of the titles was The Day My Butt Went Psycho.

At first I just shook my head and thought, "Come on, this 'using potty humor to trick boys into reading' thing is getting ridiculous." I never thought I'd be nostalgic for the good old wholesome days of Captain Underpants, but here we are.

Then I tried to envision our straitlaced children's librarian  or any librarian, for that matter — recommending it by name ("Oh, and by any chance have you read The Day My Butt Went Psycho? It's excellent.")

Then when I was sitting down to write this, I Googled it (because I like to sound like I know what I'm talking about) and found out it's actually worse than I thought.

The Day My Butt Went Psycho is merely the first volume in the bestselling trilogy that includes the critically acclaimed Zombie Butts from Uranus.

Speaking of Uranus, the next thing I did was made a desperate phone call to Elon Musk begging him to take me with him when he moves to Mars because I just can't with this planet anymore.

6


Those of you who've been following this blog know I've been having a hard time with the transition of being a mom of little kids to being a mom of big kids, especially since my oldest started high school this year.

I always knew they'd grow up but I never really thought about how I would feel as my role as a parent as I've known and loved it for a decade changed. And it really does change when you're taxiing around teens instead of giving baths to toddlers and watching Disney movies.

At first I thought I was having a midlife crisis, but I think I've identified the feeling now: grief.

But as grief tends to do, it's starting to get less painful. I'm starting to believe I could even like this strange new world in which I find myself.

My 14-year-old has a 6 AM scripture study class before school, and this was the first morning of the year it was cold enough overnight to leave frost on the windshield. As I grabbed the ice scraper she asked (knowing that I have Raynaud's, a condition where my hands don't tolerate the cold well,) "Want me to do it so your hands don't freeze?"

So I sat in the car while my daughter scraped my windshield for me at 6 AM, realizing that life is different and will continue to change as my kids grow up one by one, leave home, and start families of their own, but different isn't all bad. It's going to be okay.

7


There's a Christmas tree farm near us and even though a tiny bit of my cheapskate heart dies every time we drop $70 on a tree we're going to chuck in a month, we make a morning out of it and memories are made.

The kids love picking out and cutting down our own tree, and riding with it on the trailer back to the parking lot. And one day if we strike oil in the backyard, maybe we'll even buy the overpriced apple cider they sell at the end.

7 Quick Takes is the Friday roundup of the weekly shenanigans of a big family. This week we’re getting a head start on Christmas fails and having funny arguments over the color of a sweatshirt – can you relate? #7quicktakes #7qt #unremarkablefiles #largefamilies #funny

7 Quick Takes is the Friday roundup of the weekly shenanigans of a big family. This week we’re getting a head start on Christmas fails and having funny arguments over the color of a sweatshirt – can you relate? #7quicktakes #7qt #unremarkablefiles #largefamilies #funny

However, once we got the tree set up in our house we realized it's impossible to make it look straight because the trunk itself is slightly bowed. No matter how we position the thing it looks like we let our toddler put it up himself.

But with the trunk bent like it is, there's nothing we can do except situate the tree so the best side is facing toward the front and then privately laugh about how it looks like the leaning tower of Pisa from any other angle. Which seems like a really appropriate metaphor for our life in general.

So maybe the tree is just perfect, after all.

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