Wednesday, February 24, 2021

My Birth Plan Is to Have a Hollywood Labor

As the mother of 6, I know my way around a maternity ward. But can you believe I've never written a formal birth plan?

Since even the easiest labor includes moments that feel like being disemboweled by a grizzly, I really like the idea of being able to custom design my birth experience. 

So I've put a lot of thought into it, and I've decided that next time I'd like a Hollywood labor. You know, the kind you see depicted in movies and TV. 

Please see the rough draft of my birth plan below; I welcome your feedback!

—    —    —      


I want a labor with a clear, unmistakable beginning like the ones on TV. I never see those women pacing the hallways timing contractions or Googling "labor vs. gas" late at night. They just know.

The onset of Hollywood labor is usually your water breaking in a public place (well-timed for comedic value,) and that sounds fantastic. Much better than how it happens in real life, which is waking up in a puddle that's slightly ambiguous and arguing with your partner at 2 AM over whether the sheets smell like amniotic fluid or pee.

Once in labor, I want things to get moving quickly. Pregnant women on TV go right from first contraction to crowning in the backseat of a speeding taxicab, which looks intense but it's probably still better than laboring at 4 cm for twelve hours with nothing to eat but ice chips.


The pushing phase of labor should consist of precisely one emphatic push. Two would be okay, but that's getting excessive by Hollywood standards. At any rate, if it could feel less neverending than a presidential election cycle, that would be great.

A word about my appearance during delivery. I realize this isn't a beauty pageant, but I'd like to request:
  • Absence of random birth fluids everywhere
  • Light mist of perspiration across my brow instead of sweat plastering hair to my forehead so hard I look like a drowning Chihuahua
  • Gown that stays modestly in place over my knees the entire time, instead of ending up bunched around my shoulders giving an eyeful to every nurse, resident, and janitor who happens to wander into the room
On a purely aesthetic note, I want to have a Hollywood doctor come in to deliver the baby wearing a neat white coat. The ones I get in real life are always suited up with a rain poncho and plexiglass face shield like they've got front-row tickets to a show at Sea World. Which maybe this kind of is.


Preferably, the baby should come out looking just like a Hollywood newborn. S/he should be a healthy pink color and bear a strong resemblance to a cherubic 2-month old. The baby should not look:
  • Purple
  • Wrinkly
  • Bloody
  • Cone headed
  • Puffy-faced
  • Like Gollum covered in Mod Podge
Immediately after my Hollywood birth I'll be swathed in the radiant glow of a Friends character, rather than too exhausted to sit up and looking like I've been run over by a dump truck. 

The delivery should end with the birth of the baby; it definitely should not be followed by afterbirth, stitches, or a uterine "massage" from the most sadistic nurse in the maternity ward that feels like being pounded into schnitzel.


Lastly, I'd like to request to "bounce back" like they do after birth on TV. Ideally, I'd leave the hospital looking like a well-rested fitness influencer on Instagram, rather than waddling out in a maxi pad the size of a twin mattress looking almost as pregnant as when I went in.


I'm not completely finished editing my birth plan, but I'm pretty sure I'm on the right track. After all, out of all the movie and TV women I've seen have babies, not a single one of them has accidentally defecated on the delivery room table. Here's to Hollywood!

Click to Share:
Unremarkable Files


Colleen said...

Oh my gosh, this is gold! Haha!

Angela Caswell said...

Great plan!

Ann-Marie Ulczynski said...

You forgot about when you are about to push, but you sneeze instead, and the baby is born.

Jenny Evans said...

Ann-Marie: After you have a certain number of deliveries, it certainly does happen that way! When my friend had her 4th the doctor just told her to cough and there the baby was.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, Jenny, this may be your funniest piece yet. I laughed SO. HARD. (And I really needed it today, so thank you!!!)