7 Quick Takes about Things You Don't Want to Crush You, the Implications of the Word 'Never,' and Virtual Personal Assistants Who Would Get Fired If They Were Real

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

It feels good to be home. For our 15th anniversary, Phillip's mom came to stay with the kids so we could go on a trip to Québec City!

Thank you to all you fine folks of Facebook for helping us decide where (and where not) to go. For us, Québec City was the best of both worlds: enough to give us the taste of going to France but we got to drive there in a day and stay in our own time zone.

I promise details and copious amounts of photos next week, but for now let me just say we had a great time. Although seeing the locals with their children made me really miss the kids (which is ironic because they're up in my grill all the time at home.)

I think the kids missed me, too, even if my 2-year-old's response to us coming home after 6 days was to look up just long enough to say "this is a rock" and go back to digging in the yard. We get it, man. You're busy.

—2—

We saw lots of interesting things in Québec, but one of the oddest was these massive planters on the sidewalk. Seems overkill for geraniums, but my flowerbed is mostly crabgrass so what do I know?

For reference, I'm 5'6" and this thing could crush me like a bug. 

Maybe I'm biased since I saw this on our first day in the city, but it seemed to me like the French Canadians have a thing for oversized planters. I saw several of them.

Which was especially funny because I noticed that the "watch for falling rocks" signs along the highway actually looked a lot like "caution: giant flowerpots tipping over."

As you can see, gardening is very dangerous here.

Seriously, you don't want to get trapped under one of those humongous planters. You might have to cut off a limb to escape.

—3—

Also, we slept. A lot. We are so well-rested after 6 days away, it feels like it should be illegal.

Unable to believe how awake we are next to the wall around old Québec City.

After the first few nights, we realized we were sleeping on the opposite side of the bed we sleep on at home. It was weird that it was never a discussion, it just happened that way.

Then we figured out that after a billion years of getting up with kids (or being pregnant and waking up five times a night to pee,) I just automatically take the side nearest the door wherever we go.

—4—

Back at the ranch, the kids were having a great time themselves with Grandma. They went to the beach several times, had ice cream, watched movies, and the 2-year-old went a little crazy and ordered a Google home wi-fi router for $120. Let the good times roll.

—5—

We missed the kids' last few days of school due to our trip, and I do have to say I wasn't sad about skipping the early morning wake-ups. (Thanks, Grandma, for taking one for the team.)

On vacation it really hit me and I turned to Phillip, saying, "Oh my gosh, I will never have to wake the kids up at 5:45 again... until September!"

He argues that the sentence doesn't work out if I have to qualify 'never,' but the relief I feel just can't be expressed in a way that's grammatically correct. I stand by my earlier statement.

—6—

Has anyone seen the new documentary on Mister Rogers? I was never a huge Mister Rogers fan, but I do remember his show from my childhood and I appreciate as an adult what a revolutionary he was in kids' TV.

I was telling Phillip how Fred Rogers got the idea for Mister Rogers' Neighborhood when he looked around and got worried about the state of kid's programming; in fact he's quoted as saying, "I got into television because I hated it so."

"That's why I do pull-ups," Phillip said, smiling.

"Not really," I said, rolling my eyes. "He did it to benefit others."

"So do I."

We both laughed, but I thought the bicep flexing was unnecessary.

—7—

We've had an Amazon Echo Dot since last November, which Phillip thought was a great Black Friday deal but turned out to be an overpriced doorstop. Alexa can give us a daily news briefing and play Parry Gripp songs ad nauseum at my kids' request, but is rarely useful outside of that.

We tell her to set an alarm for 9 AM and she asks, "What time would you like me to set it for?" We ask her the hours for Famous Footwear or how old Steve Jobs was when he died, and she usually says "Hmm, I don't know that one." We ask her for the population of Chicago and she answers "I couldn't find any search results for [something that sounds vaguely like your search but not really]" or the even more unhelpful "Sorry, I didn't hear that."

I wanted to like Alexa. I think I gave her a chance, I really did. But the last straw came when we planted some grass on a bare spot in our yard and I asked, "Alexa, how long does it take grass seed to sprout?" She proceeded to tell me exactly how many miles I was from Sprout, Kentucky but since she didn't know my speed, she was unable to say when I would get there.

I don't need this kind of aggravation in my life.

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From a Family Therapy Session with the Runaway Bunny and His Mom

As the session begins, Timmy, a lanky adolescent albino rabbit slouches sullenly in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. Timmy's body language is extremely hostile to his mother rabbit, Donna, who sits in the chair beside him. She offers him a carrot from her purse, which he refuses without making eye contact.

Therapist: Last week we talked about using "I" statements to communicate with each other. How did that go?

Timmy: (shrugs)

Donna: I don't know what I'm doing wrong. He won't even talk to me.

Timmy: Why should I? She never listens.

Donna: Of course I do! I listen to you all the time!

Timmy: (rolls eyes)

Donna: I listen, but all you say is "I'll turn into a sailboat and sail away from you, I'll join a circus and fly away on a flying trapeze..." (dabs a Kleenex at her pink eyes) It's awful.

Therapist: Donna, let's try rephrasing that. Tell Timmy "I feel hurt when you..."

Donna: I feel hurt when all you do is think of bizarre ways to run away. Most of your plans don't even make sense. Rabbits can't just turn into sailboats and rocks and birds.

Therapist: That's a good point, Donna, but it sounds like the real issue here is that Timmy doesn't feel like he's being heard. Timmy, what do you want your mom to understand about you?

Timmy: (twitches his whiskers) Well, talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. If I say I'm going to run away, she one-ups me. It makes me want to hide in a cave and never come out—

Donna: If you hid in a cave, then I would become a spelunker and—

Therapist: (holds up a hand) Wait, Donna. Let's focus on how Timmy has just opened up to you. This is where you need to validate those feelings.

Donna: What?

Therapist: Thank Timmy for sharing and, in your own words, restate the things you heard him say.

Donna: Okay. (exhales deeply.) Timmy, I... I... I brought carrots! Let's have one. (starts rummaging in her purse)

Timmy: Mom, I'm not a little bunny anymore! You can't distract me with carrots every time I say something you don't want to hear. (wrinkles his pink nose in disgust) Besides, I'm not even an herbivore anymore. You know that.

Donna: (slams the carrot back in her purse) You're just saying that because all your friends are experimenting with omnivore lifestyles.

Timmy: Whatever. You can keep your dumb carrots.

Donna: Excuse me? Dumb carrots? I've been busting my fuzzy tail to put these "dumb carrots" on the table for you ever since your father's accident in Mr. MacGregor's vegetable garden!

Timmy: Oh, that's my fault, too? Well, SHUCKS!

Donna: Don't use that kind of language with me, Timmy. (turns to therapist) It's like I don't even know him anymore. He leaves the burrow under the tree stump whenever he feels like it, breaks curfew, skips school. His jackrabbit friends are complete juvenile delinquents—

Timmy: You don't even know them!

Donna: He came home last night with a tattoo. A TATTOO. We are respectable rabbits, I don't know what he was thinking!

Therapist: Let's talk about your tattoo, Timmy. Can you tell me about it?

Timmy: (smugly pulls down the collar of his shirt) It's a fish in a trout stream.

Donna: (in hysterics) That's right, a neck tattoo! Who gets a neck tattoo? HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO GET A JOB?!

Therapist: (ignoring Donna) Hmm, that must be very significant to you. Can you tell me more?

Timmy: You wouldn't get it.

Donna: (sighs heavily, making finger quotes in the air) It's because he wants to "become a fish in a trout stream so he can swim away from me." He's been threatening to do that ever since he was little.

Timmy: (muttering) The day I turn 18 I'm taking the first train out of this stupid one-stump town.

Donna: Then I will become the conductor and drive you back home.

Timmy: Then I will hop across the border and start a new life renting jet skis in Cozumel.

Donna: Then I'll become a dolphin and swim to where you are.

Timmy: (getting angry) Then I'll be a hermit in the woods living off the grid!

Donna: Then I'll—

Therapist: Hold on, do either of you notice a pattern here?

(both sit silently, crickets literally chirp)

Therapist: Well, it sounds like evening is coming on so let's talk about our assignments for next week. (giving a notebook to Timmy) Timmy, I want you to remember that how a person runs away isn't as important as why they run away. When you start making impractical schemes, try exploring those feelings in this notebook and bring them to our next session. (turns to Donna) Donna, I want you to work on validating Timmy's feelings. For instance, take Timmy's tattoo of the fish in the trout stream. You could—

Donna: I know, I'll get my own neck tattoo. It will be a fisherman!

Therapist: (chuckles uncomfortably)

Donna: What's so funny?

Timmy: (groans and slouches backward in his chair) Is there any way we can come sooner than next week?

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Screen-Free Road Trip Activities for Kids of Every Age

This post contains my affiliate link, meaning that I may receive a commission on whatever you buy through these links. But the price is the same to you, I promise.

When you're taking your kids on long car rides, you and I both know the easiest form of distraction is a cell phone or tablet. But in our many travels over the years, we've noticed that even though the kids beg for a movie or device, staring at them for too long in the car makes them grumpy and tired.

And honestly, between technical problems, low battery life, and the agony of waiting your turn (#firstworldproblems) I sometimes feel like handing out screens causes more problems than it solves.

Our solution is to become experts at finding other methods of car entertainment. Divided by age, here are some of our favorite unplugged road trip toys and activities.

Best Baby and Toddler Car Toys

Pop & Slide Shelly

10 months+

For years, this little turtle has been in our bag of "quiet toys" to take to church, and I have to say that for an adult I find it way too satisfying to push the colorful buttons down and slide them all around. I'm honestly not sure how to put the appeal into words, but for a low-key toy that doesn't make noise, flash lights, or even move much, it certainly fascinates the kids.

Skwish Rattle and Teether

newborn+

This is another one that you just can't not play with, I don't care who you are. Babies love to suck on the knobs at the ends and the ball easily stays in their hands even if they're not too good at grabbing things yet. Older kids like to squish the ball and watch it snap back into shape, or slide the colorful beads around. Another similar toy my babies have liked is the Oball, but this is my favorite.

Spin & Learn Color Flashlight

ages 1-3

To be perfectly honest I'm not sure my kids ever learned much by playing with this toy, but let's be honest: that's not why I bought it. The buttons and fun lights are fascinating to toddlers, and since they get yelled at every time they play with (and lose) the real flashlights in the house, they love this one. It's especially mesmerizing at night when the light really shines in the darkness. This can entertain a toddler for hours after sundown.

Best Road Trip Toys for Preschoolers

Color Wonder Markers and Accessories

ages 3+

Crayloa has a whole line of Color Wonder products with mess-free clear markers that only write on special Color Wonder paper. (As someone whose child has autographed various pieces of furniture, this is a life-changing product.) There are lots of different kinds of markers, coloring books, and blank drawing pads to choose from. FYI, there's also no-mess fingerpaint but I would not recommend that for the car (it's clear but still sticky.)

LCD Drawing Pads

ages 3+

This is an upgraded version of the Etch-A-Sketch or maybe the MagnaDoodle you're probably familiar with from your own childhood. While this may technically be a screen, I'm not counting it as one because it's not backlit and there's no passive watching going on with this toy. My kids can spend a long time drawing on this pad with the included stylus, pressing the button to erase, and drawing something new.

Reusable Sticker Books

ages 4+

Remember Colorforms? This is like that, but maybe better because the puffy shape of the reusable stickers is easier for chubby and/or uncoordinated fingers to get a hold of. The pages are sturdy and the books are spiral-bound so they lie flat easily. There are lots of different scenes so it takes a long time before a kid gets bored with this toy. Highly recommend.

Magnetic Dress Up Dolls

ages 3+

These have kept my kids plenty busy over the years. I like that the figures are girls instead of fully-developed women, and that their clothes are something you'd see in an elementary school instead of a night club. (Ahem, I'm looking at you, Barbie.) There are also specialty sets like princesses, mermaids, and firefighter/police. And if your kids aren't into dress up, they will probably love this human body set.

Best Travel Toys for Elementary-Age Kids

Usborne Doodle Books

ages 5+

What I love about the beautiful books in the Usborne Doodle series is that they're freeform enough to play with for a long time, but provide enough structure to keep kids from running out of ideas. On every page there's a partial drawing to complete (something really interesting like wacky robots, mazes built out of pipes, and so on) and even teenagers can get into this almost as much as their younger siblings.

Rubik's Twist

ages 8+

This is not like other Rubik's products, where unless your kid knows the solution they're just cubes of frustration. This is more like Rubik's Cube meets the tangram. It's a twisting puzzle (with traditional Rubik's colors) that can be bent, posed, and manipulated into hundreds of different shapes. Older kids will like trying to match the ones in the included challenge booklet, but mine mostly prefer to create their own or just experiment and see what happens.

Scratch Art

ages 6-15

My older kids love scratch art, especially my 14-year-old artist. It's basically drawing in reverse, so it works your brain as you try to create a picture using negative space (although you can make it as simple or complicated as you want.) The kit here is perfect for families: plenty of rainbow, gold, and silver paper plus 4 styluses so everybody can do it at the same time.


These offline travel toys are tested favorites of my kids on car trips. Phones and tablets are fine, but I prefer these because they get us all to our destination with a little less stress and restlessness.

Good luck on your next family road trip and don't forget to check out the rest of the list at Surviving a Road Trip with Kids!

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7 Quick Takes about Confusing Uses of Quotation Marks, Dubious 14th Century Medical Knowledge, and Flowers You've Probably Never Heard Of

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

A while ago I convinced Phillip to take singing lessons (odd choice for an engineer, but it's something he's interested in) and his first recital was last weekend.

He sounded nice and I think on the whole, the rest of our family did pretty well, too: only one person misbehaved so badly they lost refreshment privileges and only one peed their pants in the car on the way home.

Not too bad, if you ask me.

—2—

I bought a violin accessory for my daughter, and this was the packaging on the product when it arrived:

"You keep using quotation marks. I do not think they mean what you think they mean." -Inigo Montoya

I'm a little confused by the quotes. Are they saying that this a crappy product or is it, like, actually professional and comfortable? I really don't know what I'm spending my money on here.

I have a similar problem at my pediatrician's office, where there's a sign on the garbage can that says PLEASE DISPOSE OF YOUR TRASH HERE — BUT "NO DIAPERS." I don't think it's meant to be sarcastic, but I can't help imagining a guy reading the sign out loud with finger quotes, then finishing up with a conspiratorial wink.

Probably what they were going for when they wrote the sign.

—3—

Father's Day in our house this year was a pretty low-key affair, partially thanks to Amazon who let me down by not delivering my gift in a timely manner. I ordered some basketball shorts Phillip wanted, and at the time of this writing they're STILL not here (maybe I should say "still" not here?? I don't know, I'm so confused now.)

But at least the kids' gift worked out.

We ordered a mega-pack of nice TP and the kids made a tag for it that said: "Thanks for putting up with all our crap." It was shaped like a poop emoji, naturally.

—4—

One day I was trying to convince my 14-year to go for a run after school, but she kept saying it was too hot outside.

Whipping out my most eye-rolling parental wisdom speech, I told her "Yes, but it's good to sweat out all those toxins and impurities."

Giving me the side-eye, she replied "That sounds like a bunch of Medieval hogwash."

And while I do recognize that it sounds kind of like pseudo-science, I think it's actually true that sweating helps cleanse your body. It's not like I wanted to bleed her with leeches or anything.

—5—

Probably some of you are raising your eyebrows at the last take and saying "School? What's that? My kids haven't been in school since May." Well, to that I blow a big, fat raspberry in your general direction. We're still in school and no, I don't want to talk about it.

We're almost done, though. In fact, my daughter's class is having a Final Five Countdown and I really love the idea.

On the 5th to last day, they gave high fives out to five people. On the 4th to last, four smiles. On the 3rd to last, three compliments. On the 2nd, play with two new kids. And on the last day, write one happy to note to one person. I hope it's a thank-you note to me for dragging her out of bed every weekday morning for the last nine months.

—6—

All year, I've wanted to volunteer in my kindergartner's class as the Mystery Reader, but the available time slots were always at the same time as I drove carpool to my son's preschool. But her teacher offered to squeeze me in at a different time this week, so I brought in my favorite picture book, What! Cried Granny.

What are some kids' books you love? You know, the ones you never mind reading when they request them? The ones you possibly like even more than your children do? I might just write a blog post about it if I get a few more good recommendations.

—7—

Lately I've been keeping lists and making notes for myself on a little memo pad I found in the junk drawer, and although it's been handy my favorite part is randomly coming across pages of preschool art.

A collage of works from my 6-year-old's Botanical Series.

I really liked how familiar floral motifs like tulip and rose were followed by lesser-known specimens like the lollipop flower and of course, the extremely rare 'pokey flower.' I may try to grow those in my garden this year but first I need to look up our gardening hardiness zone to see if it'll work out.

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15 Things I've Learned in 15 Years of Marriage

Today, Phillip and I have been married for 15 years. I know we have a strong and close relationship, but when I'm asked to share The Secret to a Good Marriage, I never know quite what to say. We don't even go on date nights.

I'm still searching for a definitive nugget of wisdom that is definitely The Secret, but maybe it's a lot of little things, so allow me to share 15 things I've learned about marriage in the last 15 years.

1. Be optimistic about your future together. When we first got married I tended to catastrophize. We'd have an argument or go through a stressful season in school or work and I'd think Oh my gosh it's always going to be this way I can't live like this. But now I know that some days, months, or even years can be hard on a marriage, and you need to be confident things can get better and look forward eagerly to the time when they will.

2. Try to see their quirks as endearing instead of annoying. I'm a stressed-out perfectionist who wants everything done and done right 24/7, and instead of getting exasperated Phillip just pulls me to his chest and affectionately says "You're my crazy lady," and then both start laughing. Whereas it used to drive me bonkers when Phillip dropped everything right where he finished using it (I can often look around and work out CSI-style exactly what he was doing that day,) now I can honestly say it makes me smile because it's so Phillip. As time goes on I think we've both toned down our uniquely annoying habits, but we've also accepted each other's quirks and even come to love them.

3. Never say "calm down" when they're freaking out. If you ever feel the urge to tell your frustrated/panicked/flustered/upset spouse to "relax," please go stick your head in the dryer and turn it on. Alternatively, you can ask "How can I help?" then listen to their answer and do it.

4. Learn about the other's needs for sleep. I can function on very little sleep, and I didn't fully realize until I got married that not everyone could do this — or even wanted to. While I still don't get people who say they "like" to sleep, I make an effort to get us to bed in a timely manner, or at the very least, let Phillip sleep in the next morning.

5. Say thank you and be specific. You really can't thank a person too many times, so do it often and for everything. Not only for extra stuff, but for regular things they do every day. Aim for 5 thank-yous a day, big or small.

6. Build them up in the eyes of your children. When one parent talks up the other to the kids, everybody wins: the kids get a new reason to look up to their parent, they see a model of spouses showing admiration and respect for each other, and not least of all it makes me feel pretty good to hear Phillip telling the kids how lucky they are to have me as a mom.

7. Give them the benefit of the doubt. I tend to stretch myself too thin and give Phillip the short end of the stick, and I'm always astounded when I apologize for a late night or a broken promise to spend time together and Phillip somehow hasn't concluded that I'm a horrible person. He usually says something like, "It's okay. You're just stressed out." I am so lucky to have a husband who always assumes the best of me.

8. Sleep on it. For me, at least, sleep is my reset button. No matter how upset I am, things seem better in the morning.

9. Have a vision for your family. Our shared faith is pretty family-centered but even so, it's important to regularly talk beyond the day-to-day minutiae of calendaring and logistics to ask what can we do better as a couple/family? What habits do we need to stop or start? Where are we going? (A family motto is a good place to start, even if it didn't really work for us.)

10. Be physically affectionate. Without physical affection, a spouse is just a really congenial roommate. Hug, kiss, and hold hands when you're walking. Do it in front of the kids. They'll get used to it.

11. Pay attention to your sex life. Sex fuels emotional intimacy and emotional intimacy fuels sex, so if both are in a downward spiral then sex is a relatively straightforward way to get things back on the rails.

12. Never badmouth them to others. Publicly criticizing your spouse, both when they're present and especially when they're not, is so destructive. If you need to vent, write it down and throw it away. If you need to talk about the difficult parts of your marriage, do it with your spouse or a marriage counselor.

13. Remember that you are best friends. Phillip and I don't share a lot of common interests, but I think our marriage works because we're on the same team and most of all, we both like each other more than anyone else in the world.

14. Never intentionally hurt each other. We may be insensitive or thoughtless sometimes, but I don't think either of us has ever deliberately said or done something mean to the other. Well, there was one time I told Phillip if he left another dirty diaper sitting open on the dresser I was going to wrap it up and throw it in his work bag. He left a dirty diaper out and I'm sorry, but I'm a woman of my word. Other than that, though, never.

15. Greet each other cheerfully. How you say hello and goodbye to each other matters, including when you wake up and when you go to sleep. I think in psychology circles they call these 'transition times.' In practical terms, there really is a big difference between a spouse who's excited to see you when you come home and a spouse who doesn't look up when you walk in the door.

People say marriage is hard work, but I don't think I'd ever describe it that way. I'm not sure if Phillip and I are living The Secret unknowingly, or if maybe I just won the lottery by stumbling into a great marriage with the world's easiest man to get along with. Maybe it's a little bit of both.

Whatever the case, it's been working for us for the past 15 years.

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7 Quick Takes about My Favorite Things, Inappropriate Things You See at JC Penney, and Where All the Missing Socks Really Go

It's 7 Quick Takes Friday! How was your week?

—1—

I'm not the kind of person who's really into "stuff." I don't want very much, making it hard to buy gifts for me. But I acquired two new possessions this week that might be my favorite things ever.

The first is a late Mother's Day gift, because that's just how we roll in our house and can't nobody judge us:

My 14-year-old is an artist and made this mug for me, which is my all-time favorite mug and now I make ALL of my single-serve cookies and brownies in it. I just love how simple and sweet it is.

I swear she should open up an Etsy store to sell this stuff.

—2—

Also, my mat arrived! I mentioned it on the blog a few months ago, and my mom got it for my birthday, but it was on backorder. I had no idea when it would come and kind of forgot about it, but I'm so excited that it came!

The day it came, we had not only our 6 kids but also 11 of my teenager's friends over for a party so it couldn't have been more appropriate, timing-wise.

When parents arrived to pick up their kids I'm sure they assumed the mat was referring to all the party guests, but little do they know it's a party around here all the time.

Why, just yesterday there was someone playing butt-naked in the sandbox in the backyard and a party can't get much crazier that that.

—3—

Speaking of butt-naked (how's that for an intro?) I went to JC Penney this week and happened to catch a glimpse of this pantsless mannequin hiding shadily behind a promotional banner in the boys' section...

Hm. Seems legit. 

I don't know if the person in charge of the mannequins just went on break and forgot to come back to this one or what. But I can tell you that I must be super-mature because the longer I looked at it, the funnier it got.

And I know right now some of you are wondering, "Yes, but was it as funny from the back??"

When I grew up in the 80's, flashers at least covered up with trenchcoats.

The answer is yes. Yes, it was.

—4—

I also have a question about this "fashion accessory" hat I saw there. I dig the pattern and the colors, but for the life of me I am so confused by the pom-poms.

Is this a joke? Did someone break in with a glue gun on a dare and this is actually some bizarre form of vandalism? Please help me understand what's going on.

This mannequin is either totally insane or her 6-year-old made her a hat at camp.

My apologies if you've already bought this hat. I don't mean to insult you, I just don't get fashion. The junior's section is full of mom jeans with belt loops that go up to your sternum and things with gaudy plastic jewels (and now fuzzy pom-poms, I guess) glued haphazardly all over them.

From here, it's just a slippery slope to bric a brac trim making a comeback and quite frankly, I'm not sure the world can survive that a second time.

—5—

I was carrying my 2-year-old around in the kitchen when suddenly he was seized with love for me and exclaimed "Cah-doh!"

"You want to cuddle?" I asked, giving him a big hug. "Why yes, my sweet little man! Mommy loves you so! Let's cuddle!"

But then he started pushing me away and yelling, "No, cah-doh! CAH-DOH!"

I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, so I kept rubbing his back and asking, "What's the matter? Do you want to go cuddle on the couch? In the rocking chair?" until the light bulb finally went on.

He was asking for an avocado.

Turns out that we didn't even have avocados so both of us were a little grumpy for the next few minutes.

—6—

My 4-year-old was a little nervous and awfully quiet when he visited the dentist, but he sat in the chair like a pro, wore some sweet leopard print sunglasses, and chose birthday cake-flavored fluoride.

As the dentist started cleaning my son's teeth, he said he was seeing some build-up so I should make sure to help him brush and floss regularly. That's when my son, who had up to this moment been basically mute, proudly announced "I never floss!"

Which wasn't really necessary to say because a few seconds later the dentist pulled out a fingernail he found wedged between my son's teeth.

—7—

I'm thoroughly terrible at yardwork, mostly because I don't like it at all, but one way I've found to at least sort of keep up with it is to make it a family thing.

The kids set a timer for 30 minutes and we go outside to weed, sweep porches, pick up sticks, or whatever needs to be done. Everybody who works hard gets a popsicle at the end (I can tell you it only takes one time of goofing off and missing out on your popsicle privileges to make a kid into a really hard worker for the rest of the summer.)

This week we were weeding and found a ragged pair of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle socks that had obviously been victims of the elements since last summer. (Lucky me, my kids don't just leave their socks scattered inside the house, they do it all over our property, too!)

Our basket of unmatched socks on top of the washing machine is getting quite full and I've been wondering where they all go, and I guess the answer is "sprinkled among the tulips next to the garage."

At least there was a complete pair out there. Somehow that makes me feel better than just a single one going missing who knows where.

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5 Bath Time Rules for Kids You Can Completely Ignore

At our house, we have a lot of rules.

There are rules about chores and food and screen time. I'd consider myself a strict-ish parent, and I'm sure my kids would agree. But there is one area where our family seems to break almost all the rules, and that is bath time.

You see, I think many of the "rules" of bath time make absolutely no sense, and never have. And therefore we disregard just about all of them.

Rule #1: Bathe Your Kids Every Day

Setting aside the fact that if we gave daily baths to all 6 of our kids we'd have a water bill that rivals  the national debt and single-handedly be responsible for killing the whales, I just don't see the point. Little kids are spot-cleaned as necessary all day long, meaning that unless they're smelly or covered in actual dirt I won't bother filling up the bathtub.

That means until puberty at least, baths in our house work out to once or twice a week (more frequently in the summer when kids are outside getting truly filthy.) Maybe it's my aversion to cleaning schedules in general, but I don't believe in The Daily Bath just because.

Rule #2: Calming Baths as Part of the Bedtime Routine

For my kids, bath time = playtime. There's nothing even remotely calming about any activity they perform in the tub. I've seen three stooges who are more chill than my three youngest in the bath, who egg each other on until the whole thing resembles either a demonic possession or a stampede at Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Many times I've wondered as I sat in the bathroom supervising my kids' bath, completely drenched and cowering behind a towel, how in the world anyone has the mental fortitude to add the shenanigans of bath time to the already long and exhausting process that is getting kids to bed. I certainly don't.

Rule #3: Fun Tub Toys for Everyone!

Um, no. We used to have bath toys and a special bag suction cupped to the wall of the shower to theoretically let them drip-dry. In actuality, it was a glorified mesh mold factory that made me gag so hard I think I saw my own intestines once.

I'm one of the least germophobic people I know, but the thought of those grody toys climbing aboard the Toddler Hands Express and embarking on a non-stop trip to Mouthville was more than I could handle. I threw everything out and now their baths toys are limited to: bubble bath, colored bath drops, and whatever kitchen utensils I can put in the dishwasher afterward.

Rule #4: Baths are for Bathtubs

I know some parents are super-eager to get their kid in the real tub as soon as they can sit up but I ask you: WHY.

I never enjoyed kneeling on the tile floor and to be honest, it always felt like a gigantic waste of water to fill a tub for someone barely bigger than a hubbard squash. I figure if I wash my produce in the sink, I might as well put my babies and toddlers in there until they're no longer vegetable-sized.

Rule #5: Invest in Special Kid Everything

There are specialty baby washcloths, hooded towels, baby body wash, no-tears shampoo, kid bath visors, and foam faucet covers shaped like humpback whales. To which I say, huh?

I admit we once had some of those things from my first baby shower, back when we actually thought you needed half of Babies 'R Us to raise an infant, and sure, we use up the travel-sized bottle of Johnson's that comes home in the maternity ward swag bag. But for the most part we just use products from our shower and bathroom cupboards, and the kids seem to be surviving.

If you love giving your kids nightly baths or if you're a traveling rubber ducky salesman, that's totally fine! Your house, your rules.

But for those of you who secretly hate these bath time rules and follow them anyway because you think you're supposed to, I'm giving you permission right now to stop. You'll be in good company.

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